So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

I am also more disappointed in my son for not standing up to his wife also my oh for leaving it all up to me! Its just so worrying! I always try and help all my grown up kids (with money and time) as I love them. I feel that I am being the bad guy in all of this (my other 2 grown up kids as on my side)...

And also if it’s so easy to give up a job for childcare why isn’t one of them doing it?!

I would absolutely say do not give up a job you love to provide childcare in the way they ask. Once they are entitled to free nursery hours you may find that you are no longer needed to provide the childcare and no longer have a job to return to.
We look after our youngest grandson for 3 days per week but during term time only and we are pleased when the holidays come for as much as we love him he does wear us out. I have to say that our DIL is very appreciative of the help.

You aren't obliged to do any child care for anyone. You do what suits you!

They don't value you.

It should be you cooling the relationship, so that they realise what a loss it would be.

Entitled CFers will push the boundaries ever more...

On another note why do they feel they are more entitled to free childcare from you than your other adult children. Perhaps DIL could ask some of her family members to pitch in

You already do far too much - sleepovers every weekend? A bank account for every grandchild? That's so generous of you.

Your son and DIL are taking the piss. You can't be blackmailed into this. How dare they decide that you don't need to work! Have you talked to your son on his own? Could his siblings have a word with him?

YANBU at all. My mum helps me a lot with after school and holiday childcare for which I am very grateful (she offers) but there is absolutely no way I would ask her to do 4 full days a week. And if she said what she was doing was too much I would respect that

If she has a job 'high up' in a bank then I assume she can afford childcare just fine. Don't give in to their demands.

This must be really painful and upsetting for you op .

The answer cannot be to let yourself be bullied into quitting work. All you can do is stand your ground and deal with the fallout as bravely and calmly as possible.

I can't believe they want you to give up your income and haven't even offered you anything money wise! Cheeky fuckers. Please do not give in to their demands OP, I know it's hard and it's the grandchildren who will suffer but remember it's not you doing this...it's them

[quote Beautifulbutterfly22]@SofaSpuds... My other grown up children are saying to me don't do it! But I am so worried that they will cut back on the time my grand child spends with me my daughter in law is very vocal in the relationship and my son just follows what she says 😥 She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house . I love having him but 4 x per week is too much for me [/quote]
Your daughter in law is a bully. You need to give a firm no, but ske it clear that you will still love visits and treats etc with all your grandchildren.
If you give in to this demand she will use her child to get her own way till adulthood.
You sound like a lovely, caring mum and grandmother, don't let them ruin it for you x

You are ABSOLUTELY entitled to say no. I am 28, my children are 8 and 6. My parents do not have a schedule for the kids, they see them as and when. Maybe once/twice a month for a visit I make to them, they sleep over maybe 3/4 times a year.

I had always been told they are my children and my responsibility. I was always at my grandparents on a weekend and I was desperate for my children to have the same bond with their grandparents. Unfortunately this isn't the case and I'm past caring.

You do a lot for your grandchildren already, I'm amazed. I can't believe you've also set up bank accounts each. Do not let your son and daughter in law think they are entitled to 4 days a week!

Please please do not give up your job that you enjoy to offer them 4 days of childcare which is of course unreasonable. I think they're trying to blackmail you into giving in by pulling back on visits which is atrocious.

Who gives a flying fuck if the mother has a high up role in a bank. Both the children's parents should have thought of this before having a child. Your son should pick up the childcare if her role is so important. If that's not possible then they need to pay for childcare. If their thoughts were that they'll get you to do all the childcare then I'm sorry but they are a couple entitled idiots!

Stand up for yourself here please, they're completely taking advantage of your good nature.

They are being outrageous. It is not for them to say you should give up a job which you love.

Stand your ground. They are attempting to manipulate you by cutting back on visits - they want you to feel you must agree to 4 days a week or you won't see your grandson which is horribly manipulative.

And tell your DH you need his support over this

They can look into tax free childcare to cut costs.
You’re family not a servant.
My mom looks after my son 1 day a week and I pay her for it. Not much but still something. He’s in nursery every other day.

They are being selfish and the emotional blackmail is horrid

All together now
"That won't work for me"

Absolutely say no - the brass neck of people. You can't worry about the emotional blackmail. If it's not this one, it will be another scenario and so forth. I wouldn't dream of asking my mum that. I would hope that your other children would also step in your behalf to call out their unreasonable behaviour towards you.

So they want you to give up your paid employment and work for them for free. You will lose your income and your NI contributions which WILL affect your state pension.

Perhaps your DH might like to provide the free daycare.

Wow your DIL is an entitled piece of work isn't she?

Shame on your DS for going along with this.

Also shame on your DH for not backing you up.

Perhaps a meeting with the four of you where you firmly say 'no' to this demand and your DH firmly agrees with you?

@Beautifulbutterfly22 - This is so awful and more awful that you feel you can’t be honest with your son and DIL and tell them you don’t want to do it. Why is your son even allowing his wife to treat his mother like this? This is really appalling, they want you to give up your income and pension because they don’t want to make any sacrifices themselves, who chose to have a child in the first place. Let them pay childcare like we all have to do. Don’t give in, time to set some boundaries and start being honest. You owe them nothing!

You sound like a lovely lady. Absolutely do not do this. You are entitled to your own life and have absolutely no commitment to help out at all. The fact you have offered to do one day a week is more than generous. I

They should have thought about childcare arrangements before committing to having a child. It is absolutely not your problem.

As PP have said, the mumsnet classic' 'That doesn't work for me' would be my go to here.

Good luck

Perhaps your DH might like to provide the free daycare.

No one ever expects this of grandfathers, do they? Only grandmothers, and we all know why. Because women's value lies simply in what they can do for other people. They're not entitled to have a life of their own.

No they haven't but her mum has a job high up in a bank and can't get time off work ever! and me being a lowly shop worker, my job matters lesssad her mum had never babysat but she is thought of much more than me!

You are learning the lesson here that being nice doesn't make people respect you (or like you). You have to show that you respect yourself first before others will respect you. As you're experiencing, if you don't expect others to respect you then certain types of people will take this as a cue to walk all over you.

This is why it is recommended to say "no" at work sometimes - if you ALWAYS say yes then people don't appreciate you, they just pile more and more on top of you with no gratitude.

Clearly DIL's mother is "allowed" (and able) to say no. You need to say no more often. Trying to keep everybody happy NEVER WORKS. So stop prioritising "keeping the peace" and start prioritising healthy family relationships with mutual respect between the adults.

"Ryan, it is extremely unreasonable of you to ask me to give up my job to do practically full time childcare for you. I have two other children, five other grandchildren, a mother who needs me and a life of my own. I do not exist to be at your beck and call. It's one day a week or none. And I'll thank you not to treat me like your personal slave in future. Please pass the biscuits."

@StopGo

So they want you to give up your paid employment and work for them for free. You will lose your income and your NI contributions which WILL affect your state pension.

Perhaps your DH might like to provide the free daycare.

This is really important!

Are they/your dh going to pay your NI contributions til 67/8?