So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

Don't give in on this OP, please.
Short term it might keep the peace, but long term it will only make problems between your children.

Well done for pulling your DH up. Just be very careful about even offering one day, they will want to dictate which day and no doubt will try to chop and change for their own convenience and to hell with what suits you.

You know they will object to you going on holiday (or even being ill), because how will they cope without the free childcare.

The saying is very true you know: “give them an inch and they will take a mile”. Heed it carefully.

To be honest I wouldn't even offer them the one day.
They will take the piss.
If you want/need to do something else on that day you'll be stuck. What about if you want to go on holiday etc.

If you meet up with them and say you will do one day they will start pushing to get you to do 2 days, then 3.

Why are some people such utter CF!?

I started off angry at the DS and DIL. Now I'm fuming at the DH. People offering others up to do favours really are my pet hate

Oh OP just say no and keep saying no. I do two or three days childcare for dd each week. Dgs is two and into everything and I am exhausted by it. There is no way I could manage more than I do now and if I'm honest it really takes the shine off of having a grandchild when you are part time childcare. They will need you soon enough so their sulking will come to nothing. I'd be having a word with your ds about having so little regard for you as his mother and tell him you expect better if he chooses to visit you in future.

Oh well done @Beautifulbutterfly22 - 1 day from each grandparent would sort out the problem, that’s your fair share

Stay strong OP.

An older friend does 4 days a week full childcare for her 2 young grandchildren. The stress and exhaustion is etched on her face and I feel so bad for her. How the kids parents can continue to do this to them is beyond me. Don't do it, it'll massively take its toll - trust me.

I would gladly do one day a week as I have told them but this is not enough as they can't afford the other 3 days in full time childcare

A bit off the point but why can’t they afford it? You said your DIL has a good job at the bank. Even if a big chunk of her and your son’s wages go towards childcare, I don’t believe they can’t afford it. How do they think other people manage who don’t have family close?

I think you should offer to do a day but definitely refuse the rest. I suspect they can afford childcare, but just resent spending the money when good old Granny will do it for free. Unbelievably entitled!

I do think you should get your other children to speak to your son though. He shouldn’t be letting her dictate what’s going to happen and be demanding you give up your job.

You could raise diddl's excellent point above - if your DIL's mother is in such a high powered well paid job, surely she could help them by funding some childcare......

@dottymac.. your poor friend.. I could run after my own kids when I was so much younger but as you get older you do get worn out...

I really feel for you. My mum and dad used to do 1 day a week for me but I would never have asked for 4 days. Did they not think about the cost of childcare before the baby arrived?
Stick to your offer of one day.

Imagine turning the tables on them and saying 'you have to give up your job to look after me now. It's alright, you'll manage. If you don't do it I will never ever see you again."

You just wouldn't. You know it's out of order and unfair and you can't dictate someone else's life like that. To try emotional blackmail is even WORSE.

The sheer fact that your DIL doesn't like it when her own son says he had a good time with grandma would also make me say no too. That shows her opinion of you... I wouldn't bend over backwards to someone cruel enough to openly use me like that!

I don't know what nursery costs where you are, but round here, 5 years ago when my DC went to nursery, it was approx. £5k per day per year. So you would be saving them £5k a year (plus costing yourself in reduced salary and pension). That is a enormous gift to give one child. £20k would be ridiculous!

I'd not offer even 1 day - what if you are ill or want to accept an invite elsewhere or go on a break. You are pinning yourself down and no good will come if it.
I can't believe somebody wants to turn you into a childminder when you work full time and are a career too! I'd not bow to this demanding gargoyle of a D in L and getbpraying my son grew a spine!

get praying

I know it sound awful but I think you have accept you aren't going to see this grandchild much.

People like this are never happy no matter how much you give. Do these 4 days and before you know it they'll only want their child with you and no other grandchildren about. Or they will suddenly insist on extra hours so they can go out etc when they know you were planning to see your other grandchildren. Entitled people are never satisfied.

They might threaten to cut you off if you don't give in to their demands, but I really doubt that they will. If they don't want to pay for childcare then they won't want to pay for babysitting either. Even if you are not as useful to them as they want you to be, you are still useful to them and they will take whatever help they can get from you, which in turn means that you will still see your grandchild.

Try not to explain too much, that just gives an opening for your DIL to tell you why you're wrong. Just go with something bland like "that won't be possible" and "one day a week is what is manageable".

A bit off the point but why can’t they afford it? You said your DIL has a good job at the bank

No they haven't but her mum has a job high up in a bank and can't get time off work ever!

Not the DIL

What would get annoying though is if you did the 4 days and suddenly they can afford expensive holidays or a new car or hair treatments and you’re left with the donkey work and no reward?

Why not just offer to hand over your entire salary? Because that’s what they’re asking!

I had to give up work when I had twins because we couldn’t cover the childcare costs. You do what you need to do.

I feel for you. Don’t let them bully you.

Stop feeling guilty OP, they are being unreasonable. Contact might reduce for a while, but something tells me you are already very useful to them and they won't want to lose current support. Have they asked maternal grandparents? I don't believe agreeing would "keep the peace" - it would likely cause tensions in the wider family. 💐

I see so many stressed exhausted grandparents at playgroups. It's just not fair for anyone to ask anyone who isn't a professional to do that, never mind how many times it falls apart. Why aren't the parents planning better? This is ridiculous behaviour!

You've raised your children. You've done your bit. You are a loving and involved grand-mother, but they are being very rude and unreasonable expecting you to give up your job and your free time. You are being generous thinking of dropping one day at work as it is.
Please stand firm, it's not your problem that her mother can't get time off, so don't be guilt-tripped either.

my daughter in law is very vocal in the relationship and my son just follows what she says 😥 She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house

So she's a hypocrite too. Doesn't like him having a good time but still wants you to have him for four days?? Hell, no.

Even offering them one day a week is opening a can of worms. They'll try to push it to two, then their other childcare will let them down one day so they expect you to phone your work and say you won't be in that day, and...etc.

Tell them you'll continue to offer the same level of childcare you currently do. You'll be sad if it means you don't see as much of DGC but don't give in to blackmail - they'll hold the threat over you forevermore if you give in.