Page 16 | So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

Beautifulbutterfly22 · 2021-08-12T15:14:01+00:00

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements [sad]

Ukholidaysaregreat · 16/08/2021 11:01

I think your son and DIL are being awful. Also you have to consider fairness between your adult children. If you look after their child for 4 days it is not fair on the other DGC who presumably have to pay for child care too. Your DIL and son sound very grabby. I think you have done the right thing to stand up to them but they won't like it. Btw I also think that you sound like a very nice Grandparent running sleepovers and taking everyone swimming. Some people don't appreciate what they have. P.s. if DILs mother has such a good job at the bank why can't she fund a day of childcare?

Original poster

Beautifulbutterfly22 · 16/08/2021 11:28

Thank you for all your kind words and support xx I will have to be quick as on my break...my husband went round last night and raised holy hell with the pair of them as I was so upset yesterday ☹ He told them that I would NOT be changing my working hours to watch any of our grandchildren,and when I retire in a few years time I still would not watching grandchildren full time!. Daughter- in-law apologized to him (no text etc sent to me) and said they are really worried about bills/mortgage/2 x car payments etc. My son text me saying sorry for stressing me out and he is phoning me tonight. Hopefully all is well after this.

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 16/08/2021 11:36

Good news.

Now stick to your guns.

She'll continue to lay on the guilt "we're so worried about bills" and you might start to waver, offering days, and before you know it you'll be doing x days a week by stealth.

Stand firm OP.

Any decent person would be so grateful for all you do already.

QueenBee52 · 16/08/2021 11:42

Glad your DH put them straight ... appalling manner in which you have treated ..

They have over stretched themselves... they need to compromise 🌸

MoveHouse · 16/08/2021 11:46

@Beautifulbutterfly22

Thank you for all your kind words and support xx I will have to be quick as on my break...my husband went round last night and raised holy hell with the pair of them as I was so upset yesterday ☹ He told them that I would NOT be changing my working hours to watch any of our grandchildren,and when I retire in a few years time I still would not watching grandchildren full time!. Daughter- in-law apologized to him (no text etc sent to me) and said they are really worried about bills/mortgage/2 x car payments etc. My son text me saying sorry for stressing me out and he is phoning me tonight. Hopefully all is well after this.

I’m glad your DH had your back.

An apology from them directly to you is required.

I’m always flabbergasted when people don’t realise that having DC impact your earnings, and not necessarily stuff for them, but childcare and loss of earnings etc. It isn’t your problem that they have money issues, as adults, they need to work that out.

You sound such a lovely mum.

Femme99 · 16/08/2021 11:52

So they had a child, hoping someone was going to take on childcare for them?
Bloody hell, entitled much! They will have to pay for childcare like we all do, yes it’s expensive but it’s something you consider before having children.

judgejudyrocks · 16/08/2021 12:03

One of THE most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN, and that's saying something! In the nicest way possible (because I am 100% on your side), you really need to toughen up. They are cheeky little shits and I would totally blank them until they apologise. I'm 51. I have grown children, but no grandkids yet. But if I did, even at 51, I wouldn't commit to regular child care during the week. It's like having a job - you wouldn't be able to travel without getting "time off". Occasional babysitting yes, a regular number of days a week? No. I'm gobsmacked that they expected you to work nights and then do a full day of childcare! When would your downtime be? They are a horrible pair who do not have your best interests at heart. I'm glad your DH gave them a bollocking!

AhNowTed · 16/08/2021 12:20

@judgejudyrocks

Similarly, I'm 56, no grandkids yet.

I love my children dearly, but having worked for 40 years I will not be a full time (unpaid!) childminder.

I mentioned to my DH once that maybe we'd offer 1 day a week. "Absolutely not!"

He wants to enjoy his retirement, have the freedom to do as he pleases, when he pleases, and he's absolutely right.

Jesus we could be dead in a few years before we've had the chance to enjoy it.

anonforamo · 16/08/2021 12:51

They are being cruel @Beautifulbutterfly22 and it won't stop there. If they use this grandchild as a weapon to punish you, they will do this over other things too - when you won't help with their mortgage or when you won't buy a new car.

You need to say no for you, but also for this grandchild. It sounds like your other dc support you. Lean on them. Maybe one of them can talk to your son alone (without DIL present) and just let him know it isn't on.

This will only end in huge tears down the road if you pander to them. I've seen several friends parents go through it with one of their adult dc and the more they did the worse it got.

You've done nothing wrong. It's healthy to have boundaries and you have a lot of other responsibilities - your work, your Mum, your other dc and grandchildren. No one should monopolise your time when they have other options.

If you really wanted to, maybe do a day a week if you aren't working that day. But I'd be very hesitant to compromise here as I don't think they have any boundaries. Also, your son should be treating you better.

anonforamo · 16/08/2021 12:52

So glad to read the update @Beautifulbutterfly22 - glad your DH raised heck with them. They needed and deserved that.

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 13:48

@Beautifulbutterfly22

Thank you for all your kind words and support xx I will have to be quick as on my break...my husband went round last night and raised holy hell with the pair of them as I was so upset yesterday ☹ He told them that I would NOT be changing my working hours to watch any of our grandchildren,and when I retire in a few years time I still would not watching grandchildren full time!. Daughter- in-law apologized to him (no text etc sent to me) and said they are really worried about bills/mortgage/2 x car payments etc. My son text me saying sorry for stressing me out and he is phoning me tonight. Hopefully all is well after this.

Tbh I am not sure how all can be well. Why has dil apologised to your husband?

If your son was apologising on behalf of both of them, I would understand it her not contacting anyone. But her apology to only him seems really snidy. He isn't the one they tried to take advantage of and Bully.

You know exactly what she thinks of you. And her son is letting her treat you that way. That's really not ok. I am all for people standing by their spouse. But not when they are being vile. Her not texting you is to stick the boot in.

I would be asking your son why, they haven't asked her mother for help with childcare bills, why they only backed down after his father got involved, why your husband got an apology from her. I would also be asking them, why can't they just do what ever they planned to do when they had the baby. What's changed? Did they need 2 cars on finance?

I would want to make peace, but not gloss over all the other stuff. Because that sort of stuff will rear its head again and again. Them treating you badly, then treating your husband with respect.

I do hope you husband apologised for trying to get you to do more for them.

Blossomtoes · 16/08/2021 13:57

Very pleased your husband stood up for you @Beautifulbutterfly22. I completely agree that your dil owes you a very big apology. It appears that some drastic changes are needed to their budget. It beats me why people don’t work out the financial ramifications before they have children.

user1471457751 · 16/08/2021 14:09

Your son and his wife are disgusting. Trying to emotionally manipulate you and using their child as a weapon in order to get what they want. Sounds like they always had this planned and are pissed off you haven't been bullied into their scheme.

SofaSpuds · 16/08/2021 14:30

I'm glad your DH had your back, and told them that their actions were completely unacceptable.
Do not give in when you retire!! They should have figured out how they were going to afford everything BEFORE they had the child.

Donotgogentle · 16/08/2021 14:37

Well done for standing your ground op

Terhou · 16/08/2021 15:08

Daughter- in-law apologized to him (no text etc sent to me) and said they are really worried about bills/mortgage/2 x car payments etc

There are better remedies for that than trying to bully a parent to give up work to provide free child care, particularly with threats about not being allowed to see their grandchild. How about not having two cars, for instance, or having cars that are cheaper to run? How about asking the parent with the high-flying job for help?

diddl · 16/08/2021 16:03

They are worried about bills?

What a pathetic "excuse".

Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 16:10

@Beautifulbutterfly22

Thank you for all your kind words and support xx I will have to be quick as on my break...my husband went round last night and raised holy hell with the pair of them as I was so upset yesterday ☹ He told them that I would NOT be changing my working hours to watch any of our grandchildren,and when I retire in a few years time I still would not watching grandchildren full time!. Daughter- in-law apologized to him (no text etc sent to me) and said they are really worried about bills/mortgage/2 x car payments etc. My son text me saying sorry for stressing me out and he is phoning me tonight. Hopefully all is well after this.

Sorry for ‘Stressing you out’?! Talk about missing the point-that makes it sound like you were irrationally stressed, rather than the fact that they were being really horrible!

I also can’t believe your husband bollocked them and told them how upset you were but that she hasn’t apologised to you!

Notaroadrunner · 16/08/2021 16:10

How well they listened to your Dh and apologised but when you tried to say no they treated you like shit. They thought they could manipulate and guilt you into saying yes. Make sure you tell your Ds how disappointed you are in him, thinking that they could do such a thing to you, yet when Dh says no they bow down to him. I'd still be fucking fuming with the pair of them.

Notaroadrunner · 16/08/2021 16:12

Oh, and all their talk about worrying about bills is probably a tactic to get you and Dh to give them money. So be sure to tell them the bank of mum and dad is firmly shut!

Tistheseason17 · 16/08/2021 16:14

Their financial commitments should not be made based on what free childcare they would like.
They are adults and need to be responsible for their decisions.

Ihatesw · 16/08/2021 16:31

When are you due to see them next OP? If they have the gall bladders to show their faces!

LoislovesStewie · 16/08/2021 16:34

They need to be the adults that they are, sit down together to work out their finances. They need to see where they can save money and budget, just like the rest of us do. In other words, cut their cloth according to what they have. Please don't let them bully you by them saying they are worried about bills, there are lots of things they could do to cut expenditure, but not by causing you upheaval, stress and emotional pain.

Undisclosedlocation · 16/08/2021 16:51

Well that’s a good update OP, although I don’t think they are fully accepting their appalling behaviour. DIL says sorry under duress to the wrong person and in the same breath excuses it due to finances. Son texts but makes you sound culpable for being ‘stressed’

The cheeky gits sound like they are on phase 2 of operation granny manipulation to me.

Bottom line is like every other adult, they will have to cut their cloth to their budget. If they can’t afford their current bills and expenses, they will have to cut back. Be honest OP, have they spent every moment from her (unplanned if they knew they couldn’t afford it) pregnancy to now scrimping and saving knowing they would have a huge problem? Job losses or some other large financial unforeseen circumstance that has landed them in the sh*t?

Or just greedy chancers who expect you to pay with your loss of income and time for their chosen lifestyle?

grapewine · 16/08/2021 17:06

Daughter- in-law apologized to him (no text etc sent to me) and said they are really worried about bills/mortgage/2 x car payments etc

Then they scale down. Do they need two cars, etc. She is a piece of work and should be apologising to you.