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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to count DDs savings in the emergency savings fund

256 replies

Gettingmoretoast · 12/08/2021 13:37

We have an account for DD where money from her grandparents has gone into. As she is only 1, although it's in her name, we have full access to it. It's a separate account though with entirely her money and we don't touch it. I'm celebrating 'loosely' as after years of being in debt, we're not only debt free (apart from mortgage), but actually have some savings. I returned to work after mat leave 'full time' in February but used annual leave to complete a phased return until a few weeks ago and I was able to save on the nursery days we didn't need but obviously now we will be paying full time childcare and the bill will increase so I can still save, but a much lesser amount each month.
I'm very open with my sister and we've been supporting each other through our debt - savings journeys so I excitedly told her that after my pay day this month I will have officially reached my emergency savings goal so I can then focus what little savings I can now make for gradual upgrades to the house that I've been desperate to do but have ignored to focus on savings. I told her what the emergency savings was and she said she didn't think that was quite enough and I explained that if we had to, as a very last resort, we would have access to DDs savings too. She then told me that it was wrong to count her money towards my emergency savings goal because it was essentially stealing from her which I really don't agree with.
To be clear, we have sinking funds for birthdays, Christmas, annual expenses such as insurance, MOT, expected car repairs etc. So our savings are for genuine emergencies only and we would need to exhaust our own savings (which are literally 3 times larger than DDs) before we'd touch hers so we are talking some really significant emergency having happened here before we dip into them. Also, we're now paying nearly £900 a month in DDs childcare bill; we'll be able to save a lot more once we no longer have that to pay for and it is our intention to top both our emergency savings up as well as DDs savings up when we no longer have that to pay anyway so if we absolutely had to borrow the money from her, I'm certain we could repay it long before she turns 18 and will be getting it anyway. Is it really so wrong to say that in a genuine emergency I might borrow some of my daughter's money?

OP posts:
conxray · 12/08/2021 18:09

I don't think I'm in the right place

It's not all of Mumsnet which is like this.
You posted in AIBU.
A lot of the time posters get their ass handed to them on a plate. I would say the majority of AIBU OP's don't think they are being unreasonable. When they are told they are but don't want to accept this, the whole thing rapidly turns into a bunfight.
Pages and pages of people saying that the OP is unreasonable and giving reasoned arguments why this is a case but no, the OP doesn't accept this, accuses the whole of MUmsnet of being some kind of witches' coven and then flounces off.

That's not to say there aren't some really mean posters on AIBU who really want to stick the boot in because they are.

You would have been better off posting in the money section if you wanted a reasonable discussion with others about this.

MurielSpriggs · 12/08/2021 18:20

You would have been better off posting in the money section if you wanted a reasonable discussion with others about this.

I'm not sure that would go any differently! From a purely "money" point of view there's not a shred of doubt that the money belongs to the child. The point of AIBU in that sort of situation is that sometimes people say: OK, maybe technically you're in the wrong, but from a "reasonableness" point of view you're ok. In this case the OP is wrong in both senses!

Original poster
Gettingmoretoast · 12/08/2021 18:27

@conxray
You would have been better off posting in the money section if you wanted a reasonable discussion with others about this.

Yeah.... Probably. But that also kind of proved my point doesn't it. On one hand you want to say that it's the OP who has the issue because all it is is people give their 'reasoned' arguments.... But then perhaps if I wanted a 'reasonable' discussion I should have gone to a different page. So clearly AIBU is not a place to have a reasonable discussion then is it?! So I am indeed in the wrong place.

I assure you, I'm not flouncing off upset. I'm just bored of this now. I've heard enough of the reasonable posts with no new ones coming through but still plenty of people who want to take joy in telling someone how inferior they are because they make decisions that are different to them. And that's not just aimed at me as the OP; there are others on this thread who both would and have had to borrow savings from their DC and they don't deserve to be called thieves either by people who only want to view things from their point of view. And as soon as you do try to discuss from your point of view people will just accuse you of not liking how the thread has gone and make no further points to actually continue a discussion, just point out that they are clearly right, you're clearly wrong and you disagreeing is just you not liking being told that, as though it's fact and not just one opinion versus another!! 😂 Honestly, I've been a lurker long enough on Mumsnet, don't know why I thought it'd be possible to get people to engage any differently.

OP posts:
conxray · 12/08/2021 18:30

Yeah.... Probably. But that also kind of proved my point doesn't it. On one hand you want to say that it's the OP who has the issue because all it is is people give their 'reasoned' arguments.... But then perhaps if I wanted a 'reasonable' discussion I should have gone to a different page. So clearly AIBU is not a place to have a reasonable discussion then is it?! So I am indeed in the wrong place.

That was exactly my point. Buy you implied Mumsnet was the wrong place. It isn't. There are loads of boards which are really helpful and supportive.
You are in the wrong place on AIBU. But you are not in the wrong place on Mumsnet.

ChloeCrocodile · 12/08/2021 18:36

OP, I think this is one of those things where different people have different definition of “emergency”. Of course you would be right to use DDs money if the alternative is homelessness, inadequate food or no heating in winter etc. The fact that so many posters don’t seem to grasp what a real emergency is (ie one of these) simply demonstrates that many people on MN are far more financially secure that the average UK citizen. I just do not believe that any reasonable person would leave their child without proper food rather than use the DC’s money.

Well done on reaching debt free status and hitting your savings goals.

topwings · 12/08/2021 18:36

YANBU.

To use a term that MN loves, all our money is "family money". Nobody has separate accounts; money is used for the good of the whole family as and when it is needed.

Wolframhart · 12/08/2021 18:44

@topwings

YANBU.

To use a term that MN loves, all our money is "family money". Nobody has separate accounts; money is used for the good of the whole family as and when it is needed.

So older children or teens aren’t taught to save? What about an older teen who wants to start saving to move out?
HalzTangz · 12/08/2021 19:02

It's your daughter's money not yours, you shouldn't count or rely on it

Sadiecow · 12/08/2021 19:04

If you couldn't put food on the table, or put a roof over your child's head, then of course you utilise it.

JustMarriedBecca · 12/08/2021 19:09

My parents borrowed from me once or twice. We agreed they would pay me interest. To be honest, was a good lesson that if you borrow money, you pay interest so don't get in a situation where you have to.
I'd borrow my kids money if I had to but would be honest with the grandparents who gave it.

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2021 19:16

Physiologically, if you think of it as yours you will treat it as yours.

spongedod · 12/08/2021 19:16

@topwings

YANBU.

To use a term that MN loves, all our money is "family money". Nobody has separate accounts; money is used for the good of the whole family as and when it is needed.

Goodness even in MN terms 'family money' doesn't usually count the kids savings. It's generally used to describe the money between the adults.

Crowtooyo · 12/08/2021 19:29

I have a niece who I love beyond words. I give her money occasionally for savings. That money is for her future and not for my brother's emergency fund. I am close with my brother and if he had an emergency and needed money, I'd rather him come to me and ask for financial help in the way of giving / borrowing depending on the amount.

DelphiniumTea · 12/08/2021 19:30

OP, I think this is one of those things where different people have different definition of “emergency”. Of course you would be right to use DDs money if the alternative is homelessness, inadequate food or no heating in winter etc. The fact that so many posters don’t seem to grasp what a real emergency is (ie one of these) simply demonstrates that many people on MN are far more financially secure that the average UK citizen

This. I've had to borrow from my child's savings in what I considered an emergency situation. Baby and a toddler, living rurally, and washing machine packed up. Nobody to ask if I could use their machine. No car to get anywhere anyway. No money to buy a new one. No means to get a loan. £250 of my dd's saving bought a new one. Paid it back in full within the year. I think a vast majority of MN think of savings as being in the tens of thousands. For some of us it's nowhere near that.

reluctantbrit · 12/08/2021 19:33

We have two accounts for DD. One is where the grandparents pay money into and she knows about it (she is 14) and it was always clear that she gets the funds when she is 18. That is hers and in no way would I touch it.

The other one is money put away by us for further education/head start in adult life. This one I would without any doubt use if there is an emergency, especially if it would affect her as well.

She knows we do have money set aside if she wants to go to college/uni but has no idea of the size of the pot or what we pay monthly into it.

nosyupnorth · 12/08/2021 19:49

I'm going to go against the grain here and yanbu at all.

Your DD is 1. She can't make financial decisions. As her parent it is your place and responsibility to make them for her, which may mean spending that money to meet her needs.

If it's a real emergency like house repairs or rent payment, it is in your DDs interest to have that money spent on the emergency rather than end up in unsafe living conditions, and therefore totally reasonable to use it on her behalf that way.

DelphiniumTea · 12/08/2021 19:56

I think a vast majority of MN think of savings as being in the tens of thousands. For some of us it's nowhere near that

To enlarge on this, I have a friend who is quite wealthy from a business she inherited from her parents. Her dd and mine were close friends growing up. They're both grown up now and married. Her daughter bought a house on marriage, using her savings as a deposit.
My friend was surprised that my dd didn't use her savings as a deposit too. Her take on it is that my dd is bad at saving. That's really not true.
Dd saved all the money she was given as gifts throughout her life, just like hers.

It's simply that her daughter's cash birthday gifts were in the hundreds, occasionally thousands, and my dd got a fiver or a tenner so it never amounted to enough for a house deposit. She seems not to understand that. "Oh, Delphy's daughter is rubbish with money, she has hardly any savings at all" It really annoys me because it's not true, and it's not fair. She's a pretty good saver, just doesn't have much to work with.

We eventually were able to help her substantially with her house deposit, when dh retired. She does not it the slightest hold it against us that we once borrowed her life savings to buy a £250 washing machine. Which we paid back.

FortniteBoysMum · 12/08/2021 19:58

Personally I would never touch what is in my child's account. When my grandad passed away they each received a sum of money. At the time I was paying off debts so asked my mum to manage the accounts as I had only just got to grips with budgeting properly. It was her who gave them the money from inheritance received. My neices received the same which my brother controls. When I later asked her to transfer it to their other accounts that I controlled she said she will get round to it. We had agreed from the start the only time I would ever touch it was if the kids had an expensive school trip they really wanted to go on and it was out of my budget. Well a trip came up(high school do a weeks skiing in Austria here) the cost was £900 and needed a third upfront quickly. Turned out my mum had used all their money and was going to put it back but could not afford too. Now it leaves me in two minds. Angry because it was their money she gifted it to them and I asked her to look after it whilst I got to grips with finances but also like I cannot say a thing as she gave them it. However my nieces still got that sum of money yet my children had it taken from them. If it belongs to your child do not touch it unless your certain you can return it.

AfternoonToffee · 12/08/2021 20:00

@ChloeCrocodile

OP, I think this is one of those things where different people have different definition of “emergency”. Of course you would be right to use DDs money if the alternative is homelessness, inadequate food or no heating in winter etc. The fact that so many posters don’t seem to grasp what a real emergency is (ie one of these) simply demonstrates that many people on MN are far more financially secure that the average UK citizen. I just do not believe that any reasonable person would leave their child without proper food rather than use the DC’s money.

Well done on reaching debt free status and hitting your savings goals.

Yes, this. This is the boiler goes and then a week later the only car needs expensive work type situation.

YANBU

Hyppogriff · 12/08/2021 20:05

It is absolutely not your money. yABVU. You can’t touch it.

DelphiniumTea · 12/08/2021 20:10

Well a trip came up(high school do a weeks skiing in Austria here) the cost was £900 and needed a third upfront quickly. Turned out my mum had used all their money and was going to put it back but could not afford too

Well that's outrageous and not at all what I would argue as being reasonable. She's broken your trust, and theirs. What had she used the money on, I wonder?

DelphiniumTea · 12/08/2021 20:14

This is the boiler goes and then a week later the only car needs expensive work type situation

Yup, this happened to us. Do you know a new boiler can cost 5k?
And whilst on holiday a knackered clutch from driving up and down in the Highlands another £1500? That was the savings blown to smithereens.

daisydaisy7 · 12/08/2021 20:15

If it came down to having to use it for mortgage payments or some emergency work on the house, then yes I would use it rather than having my home repossessed. I'd just make sure the money went back in as a priority. Grandparents wouldn't need to know

JustLyra · 12/08/2021 20:17

The fact that so many posters don’t seem to grasp what a real emergency is (ie one of these) simply demonstrates that many people on MN are far more financially secure that the average UK citizen

I think the fact that so many on MN were unaware that children’s savings beyond a certain point count as family savings when it comes to benefit entitlements says a lot about the financial security of many on here.

DelphiniumTea · 12/08/2021 20:17

If it came down to having to use it for mortgage payments or some emergency work on the house, then yes I would use it rather than having my home repossessed. I'd just make sure the money went back in as a priority. Grandparents wouldn't need to know

I agree, and so would anybody who isn't minted.