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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to count DDs savings in the emergency savings fund

256 replies

Gettingmoretoast · 12/08/2021 13:37

We have an account for DD where money from her grandparents has gone into. As she is only 1, although it's in her name, we have full access to it. It's a separate account though with entirely her money and we don't touch it. I'm celebrating 'loosely' as after years of being in debt, we're not only debt free (apart from mortgage), but actually have some savings. I returned to work after mat leave 'full time' in February but used annual leave to complete a phased return until a few weeks ago and I was able to save on the nursery days we didn't need but obviously now we will be paying full time childcare and the bill will increase so I can still save, but a much lesser amount each month.
I'm very open with my sister and we've been supporting each other through our debt - savings journeys so I excitedly told her that after my pay day this month I will have officially reached my emergency savings goal so I can then focus what little savings I can now make for gradual upgrades to the house that I've been desperate to do but have ignored to focus on savings. I told her what the emergency savings was and she said she didn't think that was quite enough and I explained that if we had to, as a very last resort, we would have access to DDs savings too. She then told me that it was wrong to count her money towards my emergency savings goal because it was essentially stealing from her which I really don't agree with.
To be clear, we have sinking funds for birthdays, Christmas, annual expenses such as insurance, MOT, expected car repairs etc. So our savings are for genuine emergencies only and we would need to exhaust our own savings (which are literally 3 times larger than DDs) before we'd touch hers so we are talking some really significant emergency having happened here before we dip into them. Also, we're now paying nearly £900 a month in DDs childcare bill; we'll be able to save a lot more once we no longer have that to pay for and it is our intention to top both our emergency savings up as well as DDs savings up when we no longer have that to pay anyway so if we absolutely had to borrow the money from her, I'm certain we could repay it long before she turns 18 and will be getting it anyway. Is it really so wrong to say that in a genuine emergency I might borrow some of my daughter's money?

OP posts:
TeanupFlutter · 12/08/2021 15:55

Your sister is right, it's not your money. Other people have given her that money and it's not yours to take. If you feel you may be tempted to dip into it when times are tight I would ask the grandparent to open an account for her and transfer it all there so that you don't have access.and then it's never in your mindset that it could be used in emergencies.

Soberanne · 12/08/2021 15:58

I cannot believe that people are suggesting that someone facing a crisis, getS into debt and take out loans with interest leading possibly to lead to further money issues rather than using money that is in a childs saving account. I really trully wish my life Had been as blessed as some of the posters on here.

Original poster
Gettingmoretoast · 12/08/2021 15:58

@godmum56
I think it would be more honest to say. "If we got really totally stuck I would take the money and use it and consider it part of the family resource and tell her GP's that" which would still be wrong but more honest to them and to yourself....and yes I think you should take out a formal loan in preference to taking her money BECASUSE IT IS NOT YOURS

How is this different to what I've said? Did I ever say I wouldn't speak to my parents about it? Do you know if I have already? My parents know the money is in an account I can access. If they didn't trust me to keep it safe for her they wouldn't have given it to me for safe keeping in the first place and kept it aside for her. And FYI, if and when I have grandchildren and I was lucky enough to give my daughter a sum of money for them to safeguard for 18 years I absolutely would not be upset if she borrowed from it in the space of those 18 years providing it was for a genuine emergency. I am assuming every single one of you who would not be okay with touching a penny of DCs money no matter how destitute you are would feel the same way when the time came for you to be grandparents?

OP posts:
BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 12/08/2021 16:00

Take it if you need it, she’s one for goodness sake. Ignore the people on here saying otherwise.

Soberanne · 12/08/2021 16:01

@TeanupFlutter the OP never once said she would dip into it, shes using it as a last resort back up plan if her own income and savings dry up for whatever reasons.

Soberanne · 12/08/2021 16:05

People on here are actually saying that a family struggling due to financial hardship should get into debt and potentially end up in a worst situation rather than borrow some money already available with no interest and no risk. Seriously .

godmum56 · 12/08/2021 16:05

[quote Gettingmoretoast]@godmum56
I think it would be more honest to say. "If we got really totally stuck I would take the money and use it and consider it part of the family resource and tell her GP's that" which would still be wrong but more honest to them and to yourself....and yes I think you should take out a formal loan in preference to taking her money BECASUSE IT IS NOT YOURS

How is this different to what I've said? Did I ever say I wouldn't speak to my parents about it? Do you know if I have already? My parents know the money is in an account I can access. If they didn't trust me to keep it safe for her they wouldn't have given it to me for safe keeping in the first place and kept it aside for her. And FYI, if and when I have grandchildren and I was lucky enough to give my daughter a sum of money for them to safeguard for 18 years I absolutely would not be upset if she borrowed from it in the space of those 18 years providing it was for a genuine emergency. I am assuming every single one of you who would not be okay with touching a penny of DCs money no matter how destitute you are would feel the same way when the time came for you to be grandparents?[/quote]
well we know you wouldn't be upset if you were the GP's because you think its ok......its the 'borrow it and pay it back thing that is the hook"

and if you ask for opinions on here then there is no point getting umpty when folk don't agree with you

urbanbuddha · 12/08/2021 16:06

It's your daughter's money.
If her grandparents wanted to give you money they would have done so.
If at some point in the future your daughter wants music lessons or a school trip that you can't afford then you could consider taking some money.
It's not part of your emergency fund though.

Jubilate · 12/08/2021 16:09

I think if the shit hits the fan, your child's savings v being homeless is an obvious choice.

Aprilinspringtimeshower · 12/08/2021 16:10

If the account is in her name as in a child’s bank account and you are just managing for her, technically you are legally stealing from her if you use it. It’s her money- nothing to do with you . You are merely managing it. Even in an emergency- if you do it once, it’ll get easier to do it again, and again unto l you forget it’s even her money. Just don’t. Ever

Youseethethingis · 12/08/2021 16:11

So the child has music lessons to look forward to in a few years. That'll make up for now living in a bedsit.

GrrRightBackAtYou · 12/08/2021 16:12

There was a thread recently where the dad (op’s ex) had spent the teens money from their account, heartbreaking the child had basically lost all the money given for Christmas/ birthdays.

If you don’t have the money in the first place, how can you say you will be able to pay it back?

Better to pretend the money doesn’t exist rather than count it as your emergency fund.

phishy · 12/08/2021 16:13

I know you have good good intentions to pay it back, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So many threads where OPs have posted about their parents keeping their childhood savings, and I think those parents probably started with the same mentality of yours OP but then at some point thought ‘meh’.

Crabsy · 12/08/2021 16:17

Reading some of the responses on here makes it evident how middle class mumsnet is. Who on earth would think it’s sensible or acceptable for a 1/2/3 year old child to have hundreds or even thousands of pounds sat in a bank account waiting for them to turn 18 while the parents take out a loan/credit card/queue up to the food bank to put dinner on the table and turn the heating on. Because god forbid little Sophie might not have enough saved for a house deposit in 15 years’ time or enough cash so that she didn’t have to take on a part time job at uni or had to get the bus rather than buy a car.

Lockheart · 12/08/2021 16:18

@Aprilinspringtimeshower

If the account is in her name as in a child’s bank account and you are just managing for her, technically you are legally stealing from her if you use it. It’s her money- nothing to do with you . You are merely managing it. Even in an emergency- if you do it once, it’ll get easier to do it again, and again unto l you forget it’s even her money. Just don’t. Ever
No, the definition of theft in the UK is dishonestly appropriating with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it.

OP has the intention to repay, therefore it is not stealing in English and Welsh law.

Crabsy · 12/08/2021 16:18

@Youseethethingis exactly. Music lessons for crying out loud.

godmum56 · 12/08/2021 16:19

@Jubilate

I think if the shit hits the fan, your child's savings v being homeless is an obvious choice.
but then take the money and use it and don't do the "oh we'd pay it back" thing.
godmum56 · 12/08/2021 16:20

@phishy

I know you have good good intentions to pay it back, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So many threads where OPs have posted about their parents keeping their childhood savings, and I think those parents probably started with the same mentality of yours OP but then at some point thought ‘meh’.

^^ absolutely this
Crabsy · 12/08/2021 16:20

@godmum56 what’s wrong with then trying to repay it if you possibly can?

mumto2teenagers · 12/08/2021 16:26

I don't think you should count your DD's money in the emergency fund and in an emergency you should take out a loan over using the money in DD's account.

Having said that I think there are situations where as a last resort it would be reasonable to borrow some money and then pay it back. If we were unable to pay our mortgage or take out a loan and our option was repossession or borrowing some money out of DD's account I would borrow the money. If we had no money for food and the option was DD not eating that day or borrowing money from the account I would borrow the money.

Snoozer11 · 12/08/2021 16:26

Of course it's not your money.

The reason this is a problem is that it's almost premeditated. That you've already suggested you can rely on it at some point even if things are fine now.

It would be different if your lives were suddenly turned upside down, and you would be on the streets if you didn't dip into it. But it would have to be an absolute last resort for survival. Not for help in sprucing up your house.

That you've already mentioned dipping into it doesn't bode well and your sister can see that.

godmum56 · 12/08/2021 16:27

[quote Crabsy]@godmum56 what’s wrong with then trying to repay it if you possibly can?[/quote]
because that is not what the OP said which is that they WOULD repay and the basis on which they took it would be that they WOULD repay.

Samafe · 12/08/2021 16:37

@Snoozer11

Of course it's not your money.

The reason this is a problem is that it's almost premeditated. That you've already suggested you can rely on it at some point even if things are fine now.

It would be different if your lives were suddenly turned upside down, and you would be on the streets if you didn't dip into it. But it would have to be an absolute last resort for survival. Not for help in sprucing up your house.

That you've already mentioned dipping into it doesn't bode well and your sister can see that.

Absolutely agree
mrsm43s · 12/08/2021 16:37

I'd only count my own money as my savings.

Just because you legally have the means to access it on your daughter's behalf, does not mean that you own it, or have the right to use it for yourself, regardless of how desperate the situation.

Of course I would borrow money from the bank if I had a financial emergency, rather than helping myself to someone else's money.

Peanutsandchilli · 12/08/2021 16:41

It isn't your money. It's hers. I'd put it in a junior ISA or similar where nobody can touch it until she's 18. You're being incredibly unreasonable.