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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
toocold54 · 12/08/2021 10:25

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

I voted YABU as you seem to argue a lot and it’s not normal to argue and say hurtful things.
When we lose control of our emotions like heated arguments is when the truth comes out. If he’s told you 3 times now that he doesn’t want to marry you then he obviously doesn’t want to marry you.

Iwonder08 · 12/08/2021 10:25

OK, and why do you want to marry such a cruel manipulative person who also minimises his actions?

FortniteBoysMum · 12/08/2021 10:26

Sounds like he has no intention of marrying you. His keeping you hanging on by saying this to male you think it's coming if you behave as a form of control. Well its not because he will create an argument when needed so he can avoid having to propose.

RuthTopp · 12/08/2021 10:27

Think of yourself as a donkey , he is dangling the proposal in front of you like a carrot on a stick . It keeps you going , but you'll never quite reach that carrot.
If you want to stay with him , fine . But next time he says it , say thank fuck for that, I feel the same.

Fizzbangwallop · 12/08/2021 10:29

@Mymindsgoneawol it doesn’t matter if he’s ‘amazing’ most of the time. He should NEVER be saying such nasty things to you.

If someone made you a cup of tea and said it contained 1% of shit but the rest was ok, would you drink it?

stopringingme · 12/08/2021 10:29

He has really got you where he wants you - do not stay in this relationship, a proposal is not something to be dangled in front of you and used as a punishment .

He is acting like a petulant child - does he stamp his foot as well when he doesn't get his own way ?

If you accept this it will just get worse and worse and he knows you will back down and his behaviour will be unbearable, and you will be so worn down by it you will not feel human.

He is certainly not amazing, I would say he is the opposite.

Please do not tie yourself to him, you will one day really regret it, get out now while you do not have any real ties.

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 12/08/2021 10:29

So if he does eventually propose what’s he going to throw at you next? Refuse to marry you? Cancel the wedding when you argue?

AveryGoodlay · 12/08/2021 10:30

I've seen friends with partners who dangle marriage in front of them. Not a single one ended up married or engaged. Sorry to be blunt but if he wanted to marry you he wouldn't do this. Maybe he wants marriage but I fear he doesn't want it with you.

anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 12/08/2021 10:30

RUN. And when you think you've run far enough, run some more.

I can't add anything to the already brilliant advice you've been given.

Take the advice. Listen to these people. Because if you don't then in 3/5/10/20 years you're still going to be posting about this "amazing" man

carwashy · 12/08/2021 10:33

Nothing is ever perfect. But he's got you working hard trying to make things 'perfect'. He's not doing you a favour by proposing op.

He's not amazing btw. You have a low bar if you think this guy is.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/08/2021 10:33

Don’t waste any more time on this man. Life isn’t perfect. He’s controlling. It will only escalate if you add kids into mix.
That saying if someone tells you are listen definitely applies here.

MuddyStiletto · 12/08/2021 10:35

In what way is he amazing ? Can you tell us ?
Not being goady , I'm curious

eyeslikebutterflies · 12/08/2021 10:35

My husband used to say really mean, cruel things to me during an argument. Then would say later that he didn't mean it, he only said it because in the heat of the moment he wanted to upset me.

I told him: You choose to do it. You do it specifically to be spiteful. So yes, you do mean it. I never say spiteful things during an argument, so if I can control myself, so can you. Do it again and we're over.

He stopped doing it. 20 years on we have a good relationship. We still argue now and again, btw, but we focus on the thing that's annoyed us, rather than setting out to hurt each other.

Your DP knows what he's doing. He is doing it deliberately. You need to create a boundary and be prepared to see it through. Being cruel to you in this way is not healthy and not OK. You don't have to put up with such spectacular, passive aggressive cruelty.

LoverOfLight · 12/08/2021 10:36

He’s actions all come from a good place

Are you sure though.

To be fair, I can kind of see how this could be slightly true if he is upset, but again, it's incredibly immature, like scarily so. It's what my 5 year old does when she's in a tantrum and says stuff like "I was going to make you a lovely picture but I WON'T now mummy". Because in the moment you are having a disagreement.

I'd be super worried about and also, I know we are all different, but I would find this emotionally immaturity and lack of understanding about how people and relationships work a huge turn off.

He needs to grow up, you need to a bit too and make up your mind as to whether this petty "Oh I won't do this nice thing now because we're fighting so it's all spoiled and things aren't perfect" attitude is acceptable to you or if it's something more insidious, which is still perfectly plausible too IMO.

A man who can show commitment and have the emotional maturity to support you is what makes a good and attractive partner to me. You really do not want someone so immature and fickle that they are willing to apparently throw all notion of commitment out the window when you're having a tiff.

LoverOfLight · 12/08/2021 10:37

support you even when you are having an argument* that should say

Tempusfudgeit · 12/08/2021 10:38

OP follow the logic here - he says nasty things that you 'know are not true'. Therefore he is doing it because he wants to hurt you. Why would you chose to be with a man who wants to hurt you?

Sylvvie · 12/08/2021 10:39

He's not "really the most amazing man". Amazing men don't pull this shit in anger then excuse it away instead of manning up, owning what he did and apologising.

You clearly won't leave this arsehole OP but YANBU to be upset. YABU by putting up with it and excusing his shit.

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 12/08/2021 10:39

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

Oh god. Why ask here then.

Op:my partner says hurtful things and now says he won't propose until things are 'perfect' (code for...must behave at all times like robot partner and never disappoint him or it'll be no propsey again).
Mumsnet: sounds controlling and perhaps think about whether you want to be with him.
Op: how can you say this...he truly is amazing...a prince among men.

Op he's trying to train you like a little doggy.
Don't fall for it.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 12/08/2021 10:39

He's an arse! My daughter was with a guy who used to do this for 6 years. He was wearing her down and making her so unhappy.
In the end, she walked away. A year later, she met a lovely bloke who doesn't pull shit like this. They are now very happily married with an 18 month old baby

LoverOfLight · 12/08/2021 10:41

I'd actually like to take that last post back.

Rereading your OP, it's pretty clear he is being deliberately cruel to you "in the heat of the moment" and then emotionally manipulating you into disregarding anything he has said or done, because now you're the one making it "not perfect" by being upset. It's very manipulative and I can see why you could buy into it as on the surface he's blaming himself, but what he's really doing is saying you need to stop being upset by his actions or else you are the one making things "not perfect", and if you would only let it go and stop being upset, things would be perfect again and just maybe he could bring himself to marry you..

This is the beginning of a pattern. Don't let him tie you down.

DeclineandFall · 12/08/2021 10:44

I agree with others who say if it's not a proposal it will be something else- threatening to cancel the wedding, threatening not to have kids and on and on.
If you are absolutely set on him it is possible you can try and change the narrative. You need to take back the control of your relationship that you have given him. The dynamic needs to change- tell him you can see what he is doing and that he needs to change or you're off. Next time he says it tell him- well I don't want to get married to a manipulative arsehole like you. People fall into bad habits especially if they work. There is a slight possibility that he can have a long hard look at himself and sort himself out. If not, get out.

Drinkingallthewine · 12/08/2021 10:44

No. You do not get to use the words "amazing man" for this horrible specimen.

Some of us are with or related to genuinely amazing men. They bear no resemblance to the man you've described. Amazing men are respectful and kind - both to your face and behind your back.

Amazing men would never use something massively hurtful in a argument to 'win'.

Amazing men do not dangle something you'd love to have over your head as a punishment for not falling into line.

Amazing men value and treasure their partners and if they see a future with her, they put a ring on it because they see her worth and what she adds to his life.

Amazing men are kind - even in an argument - and in a disagreement remain respectful towards you while trying to sort out the issue.

Amazing men are nothing like the manipulative asshole you've described.

But you don't have to believe us. Here's how you get your proposal: Dump him. He'll be in a jewellers getting a shitty ring before the weekend. Then it can sit in a drawer for another couple of years to bash you over the head with in subsequent arguments. Then when you make a move to to leave, he'll set a date. You might have a few false starts or threats of postponements but you'll get there eventually.

Be careful what you wish for.

FetchezLaVache · 12/08/2021 10:44

OP, you say he expects you to know that the things he says in anger aren't true, but there must be a grain of truth to them, mustn't there, otherwise why would they be hurtful? I mean, if he says "and you've got horrible knees!!" you'd know it was bollocks, but if he goes for something he knows you're actually sensitive about, then it is completely, utterly deliberate and designed to be as hurtful as possible. HE MEANS TO HURT YOU. He is using his intimate knowledge of you to hurt you as much as he can. Then, when it's over, he passes it off as the heat of the moment. Bullshit.

Even if you're OK with that, he has said that he is now never going to propose, because you have taken that off the table with your non-compliant behaviour. So, if he's serious about never proposing, you need to split up so you can find someone who will commit to you.

Don't throw away your most fertile years on a carrot-dangler.

Atalune · 12/08/2021 10:44

So he says the horrible things and you should just know that he doesn’t mean it!!??

bigbaggyeyes · 12/08/2021 10:46

He’s actions all come from a good place

No they don't... you don't take something that a person really wants and use it to hurt them. That does not come from 'a good place'

What he really means is 'if you don't agree with me, or my point of view, I won't give you what you want' - that's called trying to control the person