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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
LoverOfLight · 12/08/2021 10:47

@Drinkingallthewine really well said. Off to hug my amazing man as you're totally right and it's made me appreciate him all the more.

OP, I really think you could benefit from some help leaving this relationship. Abusive men, especially pre marriage and pre kids, are still in the trying to win you over phase. Of course he is going to be nice sometimes, but that doesn't mean he possesses the qualities pointed out above. In fact, really these are just decent human being standards here as well.

Gassylady · 12/08/2021 10:47

Not read the whole thread but I think I’ll get away with it on this occasion! He doesn’t sound like a nice man at all. Even if he does propose I bet he will then pull the same trick with actually agreeing a date to marry.
Have a look and you’ll see loads of threads on here with this scenario playing out.
It’s time to LTB I would say once you are married it can be a lot more difficult to untangle things

fuckoffImcounting · 12/08/2021 10:48

Mate. He is a cruel manipulative little turd. He is training you to obey him, and if you did marry he would hold having a baby over your head to control you. Then it would be - he will leave you if you don't behave. You will become a shell of the woman you are now, wringing your hands, pleading and crying every time he threatens to go. This could be for the rest of your precious life. Leave him my lovely, find yourself someone worthy of you.

Rheia1983 · 12/08/2021 10:49

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

@Mymindsgoneawol

To me, it sounds as if you're in denial about your partner. His actions are cruel. Have you asked yourself why you are willing to accept being treated cruelly? Don't you deserve better?

fuzzymoomin · 12/08/2021 10:50

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

This is an emotionally abusive relationship, your words here are classic of an abused partner. "It doesn't happen all the time / Usually he's an amazing man / He just gets angry / He thinks I should know he doesn't mean it / He comes from a good place / He just wants me to be happy" How long before him saying something in anger escalates to him lashing out in anger? Don't think it can't happen because he's nice most of the time. Life is never perfect, marriage is hard work and needs commitment from both. Is it really more important to him to create the perfect proposal than to make you happy? What happens if you get the perfect proposal that he wants, then he starts calling off the wedding because something is not perfect in the plans. What happens if you are pregnant and something is not perfect along the way? Can he change? Would he go to see a counsellor about his anger issues? Think long and hard about whether this is the life you want.
Drippymoon · 12/08/2021 10:51

I was engaged to someone many years ago and every time we argued he’d say ‘take the ring off, I don’t love you’. So I’d take it off. Then when he’d put his dummy back in, he’d ask me to put it back on again. This cycle repeated itself several times until one day, when he told me to take it off, I snapped... I took it off, for a hammer and smashed the shit out of it. Handed him back the carcas and said ‘so you can’t use this as a weapon against me anymore’. His face was priceless(unlike the novelty Argos ring he’d given me!) I packed my bags and left the prick!
Side note... if the ring had been worth more than £50 I wouldn’t have done this, I’d have walked out THEN sold it and bought myself something pretty!

SamVimes6 · 12/08/2021 10:51

Sorry to tell you op, but your dp is not the “most amazing man” he’s an arsehole who thinks you must show gratitude to him when he eventually ‘blesses’ you with his surname!

I’d be tempted to reply to him “I was going to marry you, but I’m not bothering now I’ve seen what a complete c@nt you are” and I’d leave, but you will not do that and he knows it so he’s going to make you work for his ‘affection’. Sorry but life is way too short to spend any amount of time with this bottom feeder. You’ll realise this in about 20 years.

tara66 · 12/08/2021 10:53

it's like he may or may not do you the favour of proposing. No need on his part it seems to propose because of his overwhelming love for you! He's playing cruel mind games.

TheAverageUser · 12/08/2021 10:53

This is something my ex would do, it's a method of control. Unless you behave well and don't make me angry then it'll be alright but if I'm angry then I'll punish you. It's gross and also it pushes responsibility away from him. He needs to control his anger, he's not a toddler.

GlitterBiscuits · 12/08/2021 10:54

If you want to get married ...ask him!!

SamVimes6 · 12/08/2021 10:54

Might I add, I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, married for nearly 8. We so rarely argue that I can’t even remember the last time a cross word was said. Most of the time we laugh. I still consider us to be on honeymoon.

Your relationship doesn’t sound healthy at all.

GlitterBiscuits · 12/08/2021 10:55

Although he sounds like a twat

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 12/08/2021 10:55

He's using the carrot of the proposal to hurt you. His actions do not 'come from a good place'.

YABU, but only because you actually want a proposal from a man who treats you like this. Ditch this loser already!

Also - some advice someone gave me a long time ago, which I have found to be true.... Don't judge people by how they treat you on their good days. Judge them by how they treat you on their bad days.

Pipsquiggle · 12/08/2021 10:56

@eyeslikebutterflies

My husband used to say really mean, cruel things to me during an argument. Then would say later that he didn't mean it, he only said it because in the heat of the moment he wanted to upset me.

I told him: You choose to do it. You do it specifically to be spiteful. So yes, you do mean it. I never say spiteful things during an argument, so if I can control myself, so can you. Do it again and we're over.

He stopped doing it. 20 years on we have a good relationship. We still argue now and again, btw, but we focus on the thing that's annoyed us, rather than setting out to hurt each other.

Your DP knows what he's doing. He is doing it deliberately. You need to create a boundary and be prepared to see it through. Being cruel to you in this way is not healthy and not OK. You don't have to put up with such spectacular, passive aggressive cruelty.

This is how adults listen, grow and evolve as a partnership.

Arguing / disagreeing well is a skill you have to learn and both take onboard.

DH & I are still a work in progress but so much better than how we were in our early days

DeliaOwens · 12/08/2021 10:57

That is emotional abuse. You do r need to put up with that. Can you imagine living with that behaviour for the rest of your life? It would be utterly exhausting and soul destroying.

I would reply "suit yourself" and get on with my day. Then, I would make plans to leave, divide asserts, ensure my income didn't go to joint account etc.

You are worth more than this!

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 12/08/2021 11:00

Oh OP Sad

I really hope you find the courage to take on board all this excellent (and overwhelmingly in agreement) advice. Put yourself first. Get out of this toxic relationship. Good luck Flowers

SillyLittleBiscuit · 12/08/2021 11:00

Hopefully you'll realise you deserve better sooner rather than later.

queenMab99 · 12/08/2021 11:02

This is so bad, it is funny. I have been aware in the relationships I have had, that partners are often not as careful as I am about saying hurtful things when arguing, but no one would have got away with saying this to me.
It is so revealing about how he regards the relationship, does he really think he is the prize that you are so desperate to win? I would laugh in his face and tell him to piss off!

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2021 11:03

I ‘ruined’ my proposal because I knew it was coming and sent a few ring suggestions. DH said ‘for goodness sake! I’m having it made specially!’

We laughed, he picked it up the next week, handed it to me outside my office, I plonked it on and we were engaged.

Balonzette · 12/08/2021 11:03

OP, your reply is SO sad. His actions do NOT come from a good place. It's really heartbreaking that you actually think that they are because it basically shows that he has acheived breaking you down, getting you under control, punishing you. It doesn't matter if you think he is nice most of the time. The behaviour you have described is NOT nice. It's really worrying. Do you think abusers are abusive 24/7? No, of course not. They're REALLY nice a lot of the time, otherwise it would be a lot easier for their partners/victims to leave. The fact that he does it mostly in anger is not a defence, it's normal.

I don't know the man, but punishing your partner/controlling them/trying to train them like a dog is NOT the behaviour of a good person. He could be a literal saint the rest of the time, it doesn't matter. The fact that he does this is a huge red flag. If you excuse this now and make excuses for him then you'll be putting up with this - accepting blame and punishment and basically being bullied - for the rest of your life.

He won't marry you while the threat of NOT marrying you can be used to control and punish you like this. And if he ever does, he'll find something else to use as a threat. It could get really nasty.

Please don't ignore or excuse this massive red flag!

CarolinaWeeper · 12/08/2021 11:04

Anyone who deliberately says hurtful things in anger and then turns around and blames YOU for not taking them as a joke isn't an amazing partner and never will be.

This. I'm sorry OP but if you think that someone who does this even rarely is amazing then I'm afraid you don't know what an amazing partner is. People don't speak this way to one another in normal, happy relationships. Ever.

GCAcademic · 12/08/2021 11:06

@eyeslikebutterflies

My husband used to say really mean, cruel things to me during an argument. Then would say later that he didn't mean it, he only said it because in the heat of the moment he wanted to upset me.

I told him: You choose to do it. You do it specifically to be spiteful. So yes, you do mean it. I never say spiteful things during an argument, so if I can control myself, so can you. Do it again and we're over.

He stopped doing it. 20 years on we have a good relationship. We still argue now and again, btw, but we focus on the thing that's annoyed us, rather than setting out to hurt each other.

Your DP knows what he's doing. He is doing it deliberately. You need to create a boundary and be prepared to see it through. Being cruel to you in this way is not healthy and not OK. You don't have to put up with such spectacular, passive aggressive cruelty.

This poster is spot on. Please read this carefully, OP. If your DP cannot reflect upon and control his spiteful responses when you point them out, then this is not a relationship you want to be in.
Loubiemoo · 12/08/2021 11:07

It’s emotional abuse. Leave him.

FetchezLaVache · 12/08/2021 11:08

@Drippymoon, that was brilliant!!

OP - can you explain why you think that his actions come from a good place? How can they, when he withdraws the possibility of something he knows you want for no other reason than to get one over on you during a row?

nanbread · 12/08/2021 11:09

No one should say that. It's nasty, controlling, manipulative, and juvenile. Pathetic. LTB