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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:

Ghosttile · 12/08/2021 10:00

It’s such a childish reaction. It’s like a spoilt 6 year old saying, “You can’t come to my birthday party!” when they don’t get their own way. If you’re going to be together in the long term, you need to be able to disagree with each other and deal with all the issues that come with two people living together without him lashing out at you.

Wishimaywishimight · 12/08/2021 10:00

He's teaching you how to behave 'perfectly' so that he can plan the 'perfect' proposal. None of this is possible.

A truly amazing man, one who loves you as you are, imperfections and all, one who wants to spend his life with you and wants marriage too, will just get on with planning a life and a wedding together.

An amazing man will not threaten to take away something that he knows is important to you. He will not say unkind and cruel things with the get-out that "I didn't mean them". He will want you to feel happy and secure and loved.

OP, someday this man may consider you to be trained enough that he will go ahead with a marriage but you will have to be brought into line every now and again so be prepared for this treatment to surface from time to time. It is not a life I would want to live.

TeaAndStrumpets · 12/08/2021 10:00

@SnakesAndRubies

It's so incredibly sad how often it is clear on here that some people genuinely do not know what a good person is or what a healthy relationship is.

Good people don't behave anything like this. Not even close to it. Behaviour like this never 'comes from a good place'.

Children grow up in this environment, use it as the template for their own relationships and the whole thing starts over and over.

Spot on. It's so depressing.

AnAnonymousCheerleader · 12/08/2021 10:01

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

Amazing men don't emotionally abuse their partners in anger. No matter how seldom.

He's dangling marriage above you to stop you leaving him because he knows it's important to you. I've seen thread after thread on here where several years down the line the man is still saying he wants it to be perfect.

Its a really shit thing him saying that in rows to put you in your pace. He's not an amazing man at all and you deserve better. Men like him tend to get worse when children come and they can't be the centre of attention anymore too.

Mischance · 12/08/2021 10:02

Well you have two possibilities:

all assuming you actually want to marry him (why would you I wonder?) then you propose to him; if he says no then off you hop.

hop off anyway because he is a manipulative git.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2021 10:02

Ffs.

He’s not amazing. He is training you. Don’t rock the boat, don’t annoy me, everything is perfect if you keep me happy.

He’s an arsehole.

I hope you realise before you have children and get the fuck away from him.

user16395699 · 12/08/2021 10:03

Of course it doesn’t happen all the time. He only needs to do it when you step out of line ( in his opinion).

Exactly. And it clearly works.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/08/2021 10:05

He has found your weak spot and goes straight for it. When you do get married there will be another weak spot...we all have them
On Maternity leave: l m not giving you any of my money
Trouble between you: l am leaving
And on it goes
He has a horrible trait there of getting you to tow the line.
You need to take control. Take things into your own hands. Pull the plug and show him you are not intimidated by his angry threats. Then if he really wants this relationship to work let him get counselling and learn how a proper relationship works. Don't cry when he threatens no proposal. It's not easy but just say...you're right..l am not staying in this relationship and leave. Call his bluff so he sees he is not the king who decides everything and you his little slave running behind him. Change the dynamic and take your own power.

Saharafordessert · 12/08/2021 10:06

This man is not amazing or anywhere close to it.
Stop trying to convince yourself OP.
You can do a million times better than this and it’s very obvious that only one of you wants to get married.

3scape · 12/08/2021 10:06

Why are you giving him all the control anyway? If it's not up to both of you to get married then it's not a marriage, you're just waiting for him to insist you sign half of your assets over to him. What is in this for you? He doesn't sound very worthwhile.

TatianaBis · 12/08/2021 10:08

OP you need to wise up.

NowEvenBetter · 12/08/2021 10:09

Yet another woman bleating that her tedious, ten-a-penny angry boyfriend is ‘amazing’. No he is not. Any thoughts on the many replies to your post, OP?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2021 10:09

What “good place”?

The delusion is strong in this one.

If things were really good you wouldn’t be posting.

You have choices. Stop being so passive. Life is short. It’s your choice to spend yours being messed around by this idiot.

Aprilx · 12/08/2021 10:10

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

You are seriously deluding yourself.

He is not an amazing man. It takes a special kind of nasty to say what he has said, not once but thee times. Even once, in my opinion, is once too much. It is controlling and manipulative and a mean type of manipulative at that. My arse he said it because he wants something to be special for you, he wants the exact opposite. He treats you with contempt.

Of one thing I am sure, he is not going to marry you.

Gliblet · 12/08/2021 10:10

Putting this as nicely and gently as I can, I think what you might be seeing is the version of him you'd like to be in a relationship with, not the person you're actually thinking of committing to. I'd be very surprised if there aren't other behaviours going on that push you towards taking the blame for things that aren't your fault but it's likely that this is the one that upsets you the most, so it's the one you're reacting to the most.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true

He doesn't want to take responsibility for the things he says when he's angry, he'd rather make it sound like it's your fault for believing what he says. At best, this is emotionally dysfunctional - he's never learned to deal with his own anger and expects others to do it for him. At worst, it's actively manipulative and emotionally abusive - he's conditioning you to accept responsibility for things that you can't control. It sets you up to be the 'bad guy' in these situations.

You're obviously very invested in the idea of marriage and he knows he can use that to make you panic if you seem to be pushing back and asking him to improve the way he behaves.

He needs to take responsibility for his thoughts and actions. If he can't, what kind of partner, husband, parent, carer, companion is he going to be?

KatherineJaneway · 12/08/2021 10:11

He really is the most amazing man.

He really isn't. It is incredibly immature not to mention hurtful to say the things he does. Controlling as well.

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2021 10:13

He’s not amazing, OP, you are absolutely kidding yourself. He’s manipulating you and deliberately saying something to really upset you, he knows this is your big desire. He’s going to hold this over you forever. I think you’re wasting your time, frankly.

Hadalifeonce · 12/08/2021 10:15

You are being very unreasonable to actually want a life with this mail obnoxious person.
Get out while you can and find a decent human being who doesn't a) think it's OK to insult you, 'because they don't mean it'
And b) doesn't string you along with 'I was going to, and now I'm not'

These are mind games you don't need.

lastcall · 12/08/2021 10:16

His actions do not all come from a good place.

He's using the one thing that means everything to you at the moment (marriage) to hurt you, deliberately, when things aren't going his way in an argument.

He's an awful person to do that to someone he professes to love.
It's emotionally abusive.

Zhampagne · 12/08/2021 10:16

AIBU threads are rarely unanimous, OP. I'm sure this is difficult to hear but he's not amazing. He's cruelly using the thing that he knows you want to control you.

Please make plans to leave, and take additional measures to make sure that you don't become pregnant in the meantime.

SuperSange · 12/08/2021 10:17

He's not amazing, he's using your wanting to be married as a stick to beat you with. Amazing people don't do that.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 12/08/2021 10:19

I really hope you're reading these posts @Mymindsgoneawol and taking them onboard. It's probably come as quite a shock that people have reacted so strongly but a lot of them are from experience. You're obviously upset enough to post on here so I think deep down you know it's not a good, healthy relationship. It will take a lot of strength to end it but it will be worth it in the end. You'll find someone who doesn't say the most hurtful thing they can think of during an argument or at any other time. Find someone who truly loves you and doesn't play with your emotions.

Ijsbear · 12/08/2021 10:20

that's the behaviour of a 5yo not a mature man.

I'm really sorry, mymind because it's clear how much you absolutely love him. But this behaviour is cruel and he must know it's cruel, and he's not taking your distress seriously.

If you stay with him (and I wouldn't, I made my own marriage mistake but I did know not to stay with someone who comes out with this devastating crap) ... then you will either spend your life being hurt every time you have an argument, you will learn not to disagree with him or you will learn to ignore what he says. None of those are good options.

The biggest problem here is that it's the third time he's done this. Not once, you got hurt and he learned from it and stopped. He's done it over and over again.

"when a man tells you what they are, believe them".

Theimpossiblegirl · 12/08/2021 10:21

@stillcrazyafterall

So you come on for advice, then ignore it, and make excuses. Well don't come bleating to MN in 5 years when you're virtually a single parent with an arse for a DH and be surprised at the 'we told you'.

Of course the op can come back. What a horrible thing to say. It's easy to give advice from a keyboard, this is her life. She's only just realising something is wrong and isn't ready to accept it yet He sounds like a manipulative, controlling arse. I hope you see the light soon. Don't get cut off from friends and family, you'll need them.

QueeniesCroft · 12/08/2021 10:23

@C8H10N4O2

Better men are available.

I feel like this is the perfect answer to so many threads on MN!

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