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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 12/08/2021 09:48

He’s not amazing. He’s a nasty, silly little boy. His behaviour is controlling and manipulative and as others rightly say if he does ever actually propose marriage the nexus of control will just move to the next “goal” (having kids or whatever).

More importantly you will never be in control of your destiny if you persist in seeing this man - or another man - as setting the agenda.

A proposal of marriage is not his to give. It’s a mutual decision which is every bit about you as much as him.

Almost every day there’s a thread on here from a woman being strung along by some no-mark man dangling a “proposal” like a performance bonus. It’s such bullshit. Take back control of your life. Stop allowing him to manipulate you into doing what he wants and stop waiting around for him to decide your future.

BTW marriage to this man would be a terrible idea.

NameChange2PostThis · 12/08/2021 09:49

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

@Mymindsgoneawol

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time
Of course it doesn’t happen all the time. He only needs to do it when you step out of line ( in his opinion).

He really is the most amazing man.
He’s amazingly manipulative.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time.
I bet you a million pounds he never gets this angry with anyone else, especially someone who might give him consequences - like his boss, his work colleagues, his dad, his best friend, or actually any man.

He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.
Unless you are Derren Brown he is BVU to expect you to be a mind reader. But of course he doesn’t. You are supposed to accept that he can say and do whatever he wants. And he doesn’t have to say sorry. He doesn’t care how you feel about it.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special. He wants to make it special for me.
He is saying he means he just wants to propose when you behave perfectly for him so now won’t because you don’t do everything he says yet. He wants to make sure he has total control of you and can easily manipulate you.

He’s actions all come from a good place
His actions come from a selfish, abusive, nasty place.

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.
I’m sorry. Flowers
But actually take the Freedom Programme and think about whether you want to live like this any longer.

Disneycharacter · 12/08/2021 09:49

There is something seriously wrong with the psyche of someone who wants to hurt and wound you when you argue.

Arguing should be about the issue in question, not whether you are good enough for him to marry.

It's manipulative and cruel. Listen to people OP. This behaviour underlies all his behaviours. With time it will come more to the surface. You have been warned.

borntobequiet · 12/08/2021 09:50

YABU to think this man is worth marrying, or even staying with for a day longer.

angstinabaggyjumper · 12/08/2021 09:50

“He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.”
But they are true, he hasn't proposed.

TheSharpertheJuice · 12/08/2021 09:50

Why don’t you propose…

… a permanent separation.

I’ve been with a guy who was ‘only nasty when he was angry so clearly didn’t mean it’… it’s taken me years to rebuild my self esteem and actually have a proper adult relationship where there isn’t a metaphorical carrot being dangled to ensure my good behaviour.

CrazyNeighbour · 12/08/2021 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheddarTheDog · 12/08/2021 09:53

Saying things in anger whether they’re true or not doesn’t negate the impact of those words.

Once you are engaged, it would then be i was going to marry you or I was going to set a wedding date but now I’m not. If you finally get married it will then be threats of divorce.

Something is wrong here. You can try counselling but ultimately, and I know from experience, this will not get any better.

He might well not mean it but he still said it.

gannett · 12/08/2021 09:53

You shouldn't be upset that he didn't propose to you, you should be relieved. That's called dodging a bullet.

You've only been together three years but are already in a repeated pattern of arguments where he gets angry and says things to hurt you.

That's not normal. A relationship where you have repeated and frequent arguments is not a healthy one. A relationship with someone who defaults to trying to hurt you is not a healthy one. "He's not like this all the time" is a horribly low bar - you should almost never have to deal with a partner like that.

(I say almost because even the best relationships will feature ugly arguments - but ONLY as anomalies, one-offs, extremely rare occurrences that both parties are remorseful about.)

BobLemon · 12/08/2021 09:53

LTB

Katela18 · 12/08/2021 09:53

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

Ahhhh like others i'm sorry to break this to you but he is NOT amazing. He is trying to control / blackmail you into behaving how he wants you to and you are buying in to it.

NOONE should be proposed to as a reward.

"He wants to make it special for me" this is rubbish - I can't even explain how controlling this is. He is essentially punishing you for things that have happened in the past but turning it around so that you think he is doing it because he cares and loves you so much.

So much to pick apart here but please see the light, this man is not amazing. There is a man out there how will propose because he wants to spend his life with you and there will be no conditions attached.

zazasabore · 12/08/2021 09:54

Blimey if you'd fall for his 'excuse' you'd fall for anything.

CakeandGo · 12/08/2021 09:55

He’s actions all come from a good place
No they don’t.
“Amazing” men don't behave like this, even “in anger”.
Run and don’t look back.

Pipsquiggle · 12/08/2021 09:56

Look we have all said things we didn't mean in anger - I've done it. I am aware of it. It has been pointed out to me (although I already knew it if we are being honest) and I am improving on it. I am much better than i was say 5 years ago.

HOWEVER - what I have never done is use something so important and integral to our future relationship as a throwaway bargaining chip / comment - it's a dick move.

It's also slightly worrying that he has done this a few times and doesn't have the emotional intelligence to acknowledge that even if it hasn't bothered him, it deeply affects you and he really shouldn't do it.

I am not suggesting you split up or anything but he should really take on board your feelings and not use something as monumental as a proposal when having minor arguments - it's adolescent

SnakesAndRubies · 12/08/2021 09:56

It's so incredibly sad how often it is clear on here that some people genuinely do not know what a good person is or what a healthy relationship is.

Good people don't behave anything like this. Not even close to it. Behaviour like this never 'comes from a good place'.

Children grow up in this environment, use it as the template for their own relationships and the whole thing starts over and over.

user16395699 · 12/08/2021 09:56

If this is what you class as amazing then you need to raise your bar. Quickly.

YANBU to be upset, but YABVU to make excuses for manipulative, controlling behaviour and choosing helplessness over action.

Hanab · 12/08/2021 09:57

He is manipulative .. hanging that thread of hope of marriage then using it to attack you .. he is not keeper

GladAllOver · 12/08/2021 09:57

Sometimes I wonder what century we are in when marriage can only happen after a woman has patiently waited for a man to propose.

But in this case he has done you a favour. Get out now.

RantyAunty · 12/08/2021 09:58

Make a list of all the rotten things he's said and done to you since you've been together.
Read it over a dozen times or so.

He's not nice.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/08/2021 09:58

He emotionally abuses you and then when you complain about it he gaslights you into believing he didn’t mean it as it’s “only when he’s angry and he’s amazing really”.

If he ever does propose, you do realise that in the build up to the wedding his default will be that he wants to call it off. Once you’re married his default will be that he wants a divorce or that he won’t have children with you as it’s not perfect. Once you have children, then it will be custody after divorce. All of this is to CONTROL you so that you do what he wants you to do and stop arguing back.

If you accept this and stay, your life will be a fucking misery. Get out now. He is NOT AMAZING AND NEVER WILL BE-HE IS AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE GASLIGHTING ARSEHOLE.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2021 09:58

He’s just dangling this proposal over you and then taking it away. He probably has no intention of proposing and you certainly shouldn’t say yes if he does. He’s just manipulating you. He’s not brilliant. Ltb ASAP

Jerima · 12/08/2021 09:59

@Mymindsgoneawol nastiness NEVER comes from a good place

user16395699 · 12/08/2021 09:59

@SnakesAndRubies

It's so incredibly sad how often it is clear on here that some people genuinely do not know what a good person is or what a healthy relationship is.

Good people don't behave anything like this. Not even close to it. Behaviour like this never 'comes from a good place'.

Children grow up in this environment, use it as the template for their own relationships and the whole thing starts over and over.

It makes me very sad too.

Especially when posters are insistent that they are going to inflict this on their children and anyone daring not to condone that shall be called names so the poster doesn't have to feel guilty about failing their children.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/08/2021 09:59

@CakeandGo

He’s actions all come from a good place No they don’t. “Amazing” men don't behave like this, even “in anger”. Run and don’t look back.
This. Manipulation and misogyny never “come from a good place”.

What did you learn about relationships growing up OP?

Because this isn’t how they should be.

I strongly recommend you dump him and then spend as long as possible on your own.

HollowTalk · 12/08/2021 10:00

Leave him.
He'll then propose (and cry - watch out for that one)
Say no, he's not good enough for you to marry - and mean it, too. Don't go back.