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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
Muchasgracias · 12/08/2021 11:11

I think you need to spell it out to him that he has anger issues and that he needs to address these or your relationship can’t continue. They don’t sound majorly bad, but they are destructive and mean and will cause long term problems if they go unchecked.

It doesn’t matter that he’s amazing 95% of the time. What’s really Important is that when you encounter bumps early on, that you work through those and find better ways to resolve your disagreements. You will always argue, but can you really see yourself with someone in 20/30 years time who is STILL pulling off this shit when he gets cross or annoyed. He sounds immature and now is his chance to grow up a bit.

FinallyHere · 12/08/2021 11:11

just when he gets angry

Oh please. Please don't tie yourself in marriage to someone who , well, does what you describe.

It's easy for people to be nice and fun etc when everything is going well. It's when things are going badly, as they do from time to time, that you see what people are made of.

You have picked someone who, when he is angry, deliberately says the things he knows will hurt you most. And doesn't even take responsibility for doing that afterwards.

Why do you both seem to think that getting married is somehow in his gift? Why are you giving him this power to hurt you?

If you want a marriage of equals, start with a relationship where you both get to decide whether you want to be married. You don't find a partner who finds out what you want and uses your desire to keep you in line.

Please consider your own position here. How about saying well I did this g you were a decent person but having seen how you are prepared to hurt me on purpose when you are angry, I've decided against marrying you.

Got this far snd then read the rest of the thread. I'm very sorry, but it's just not true He’s actions all come from a good place. How can deliberately hurting you come from a good place ?

Honestly, imagine a daughter, a sister of a friend saying telling you that. Well, even anyone saying 'this person deliberately hurts me but he doesn't mean it badly'

What would you think ?

JovialNickname · 12/08/2021 11:11

I voted YABU because I think you are being unreasonable to fall for such obvious manipulation. He really has you where he wants you! You should be glad he hasn't proposed, if a tiny minor squabble means he chucks in the idea of being married to you. Play him at his own game - pretend you're seriously reconsidering the idea and rethinking him. Make him worry that you might get away meaning he has to up his game. Don't beg and cry every time he dangles the carrot of an engagement ring in front of you!

Hopeisnotastrategy · 12/08/2021 11:13

This is a very fast moving thread OP. That's because everyone posting has taken time out of potentially very busy days to try and stop you making a huge mistake here, one you will regret for ever. There are far too many threads on MN from desperately unhappy women married to abusive men. We don't want you to be one of those unhappy women in the future. We want you to be one that got away.

THAT comes from a good place. His actions don't. 💐

RaspberryRoyale88 · 12/08/2021 11:13

Your DP sounds like my ex.
He would play that card all the time.
This isn’t the behaviour of a good man. He’s telling you he’s a prick. Listen to him.

JovialNickname · 12/08/2021 11:14

Oh and this won't stop, if/when you are married he'll be telling you he wishes he hadn't married you and wants a divorce every time you disagree about anything. And that will hurt way more.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/08/2021 11:14

You should be very happy that you're not tied to this manipulative, controlling spiteful prick.

What's next? Actually marry him then he'll use the threat of not having children as a way to control you?

Please see this for what it is. This is toxic. He is toxic. Cut yourself loose now while you can.

Velvian · 12/08/2021 11:17

He is a manipulative shit and a future faker. How can you trust anything that comes out of his mouth?

thelionqwueen · 12/08/2021 11:18

He can shove that carrot he’s dangling in front of you up his @rse. What year is this anyway - 1821? He is not doing you a favour by marrying you, like it very much sounds like he thinks.

SamVimes6 · 12/08/2021 11:22

I hope you’re still reading these replies @Mymindsgoneawol over 250 replies and not 1 saying anything but dump him and run… please take note.

Seeingadistance · 12/08/2021 11:22

You shouldn’t want to marry him - he’s a manipulative, sadistic arsehole.

Ditch him. You deserve someone who loves and respects you, not this prick.

coconutpie · 12/08/2021 11:23

He really is NOT the most amazing man.

He is nasty and spiteful and will never propose to you. You deserve better.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2021 11:23

I voted YABU because

  1. You're 2 grown adults, if you want to get married there's no need for him to 'propose'. This is your actual life, not a pantomime.
  1. He's a manipulative arse hole.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/08/2021 11:24

He's NOT amazing, OP, he's a manipulative man who is calling you to 'heel'.

If you do marry him, you will be on the back foot forever. Nice men don't do this. I don't doubt you're reeling from his twattishness - and also from the responses here telling you that you're right, this isn't ok so I can't see you making a knee-jerk decision to leave him but really, how much is enough here? How low will you allow him to take you?

If you were my friend, my daughter, I'd really urge you to think about where you want to be and how much 'will you marry me?' actually matters at all, coming from a twat.

Sorry. Brew

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2021 11:25

And please don't tell me you have the house and the kids already because if that's the case, he's unlikely to ever propose with his attitude.

Spudina · 12/08/2021 11:25

In 20 years my DH has never anything so nasty. It’s not the behaviour of a good man. You deserve better. X

Greenmarmalade · 12/08/2021 11:28

Marriage isn’t a prize!

He’d be a shit husband.

I imagine if you split with him he’ll suddenly get down on one knee…

TellingBone · 12/08/2021 11:29

'But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.'

His words were designed to hit you where it hurts most then, weren't they?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone capable of hurting you like that?

bigvig · 12/08/2021 11:29

It sounds to me like he is training you to accept being treated like shit - and its working.

ClaryFairchild · 12/08/2021 11:33

So if he does 'propose' to you (which so bollocks quite frankly, why can't you just both agree to get married?! It's the marriage that should be special, not some ridiculous proposal) - picture a lifetime ahead of you with someone who will lash out at you when he is hurt and /or upset and use whatever is most special to you, or something that makes you very vulnerable, and will cause you extreme pain and anguish, to what?

Win the argument?

Cause you pain?

Bring you down so that you're beneath him??!

Whatever pathetic reason he had to do this to you, the longer you are together the more vulnerable you will be to him and the more hurtful he can and will be. Is this really the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

DarlingFell · 12/08/2021 11:45

I'm more concerned about why you seem so keen on marrying a manipulative pig Confused

Greystray · 12/08/2021 11:46

He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

So if you were to say that he was shit in bed, it shouldn't matter to him as long as you were angry at the time?

Why is it okay for him to say things that emotionally damage you. What is his goal there? My guess is that you have too much confidence or intelligence for him, or you intimidate him in some way, so he is deliberately trying to knock chunks out of your self-esteem. If he doesn't do this with anyone else in his life it's not just how he is. And that he can deliberately set out to hurt you, and you still refer to him as "amazing" suggests that he's meeting his goal.

I seem to say this a lot, but consider whether you really do want to attach yourself to this man legally. A mature man would not act this way.

Kisskiss · 12/08/2021 11:46

He sounds like his EQ is very low.. id he unable to control his emotions when he gets angry? You need to stand up for yourself and tell him it’s unacceptable to say things like that, even if he is angry/his hair is on fire / he’s having a bad day..
if he doesn’t want to recognise that he has a huge problem then it will never change.. is this the sort of rekationship u want?

Ps: he must really think he’s sone special prize.. to be using the proposal as a threat 🤣 what a loser

Greystray · 12/08/2021 11:50

Would you even be able to enjoy a proposal from this man, or would you be constantly waiting for him to decide you've annoyed him and take the ring back?

MotherofTerriers · 12/08/2021 11:50

He's manipulating you and he's doing this because it works.

You can either leave him (I would) or stop it working
So he says he wouldn't propose, you reply with you wouldn't accept because you wouldn't want to be married to someone who speaks to you like this. Every time. Don't let him see you upset, give it back to him with both barrels. After all, he should know you don't mean it, shouldn't he?
But I'd leave - less hassle. He won't stop. He'll threaten divorce, removal of funds, to take your kids away - its all about control and keeping you in line, life's too short for this