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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

317 replies

SVlover · 11/08/2021 22:33

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

OP posts:
Original poster
SVlover · 12/08/2021 07:14

Thanks x

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 12/08/2021 07:14

And then swiftly move in to what she will be doing next year.

sadperson16 · 12/08/2021 07:20

I wish more parents told their daughters they were lovely.

Don't buy into this nonsense.

CovidCorvid · 12/08/2021 07:21

I agree. I hate the sharing of precise grades on Facebook. Not very classy at all.

My in laws still don’t know what Dd got for her A levels. When they asked how she did (repeatedly) I just said she’d done really well and we were proud of her. Which was true. Her actual grades are private and nobody’s business.

stepupandbecounted · 12/08/2021 07:22

'We are out celebrating with dd today, I hope you are having a great day and love and congratulations to your dd/dc'

Text messages only and celebrate with your dd, her life and well being are far more important than her actual grade results. I would celebrate with her regardless of the results and let her know how proud you are.

Do not meet up with them!!! Your dd comes first, and she does not need to hear about other children's collection of 9s or whatever as it will dent her own achievements. Make plans to celebrate as a family without the others, and resist the pressure. Texts only. It is one day - and tomorrow everyone will be onto the next thing.....what A levels they are doing....

Support dd by celebrating together without others I say.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/08/2021 07:24

@CovidCorvid a friend of mine posted a photo of her DC’s exam results slip on FB last year. I know she was proud of her, but that just didn’t seem right to me!

Lysianthus · 12/08/2021 07:24

Thinking of you this morning OP. As others have put it beautifully, don’t get drawn in to what is essentially none of anyone’s business but your daughter’s. And if push comes to shove, you could channel Gavin Williamson, and say you’ve forgotten.
You could show her this thread? It’s so lovely and supportive and might help? Good luck 💐

pilates · 12/08/2021 07:27

Op, my DD did ok with her GCSES not anything really outstanding, but when she went to college she blossomed and really came into her own. She has now finished her second year at University with a 2:1 and is flying. What I am saying is not everyone develops at the same pace. Good luck to your DD.

SheWhoRemains · 12/08/2021 07:27

I don't have any advice because mine are primary aged, but you sound lovely. You're obviously her biggest cheerleader and it's wonderful that she has you. The fact that you're trying to thank everyone on here individually for their responses speaks volumes to your character and I'm sure that reflects in your daughter as well.

HalzTangz · 12/08/2021 07:28

Just say sorry we prefer to keep some details to ourselves.
Or tell a white lie and make a number/grade up

igelkott2021 · 12/08/2021 07:30

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

Her grades are her private information for her to share if she wants. But I can tell you I am so proud of her and how she has done.

And repeat.

This.

And say you are going out as a (nuclear) family to celebrate.

ThisAintNoPartyThisAintNoDisco · 12/08/2021 07:31

‘ Her actual grades are private and nobody’s business’

I COMPLETELY agree very well said ! Far too much expectation to share every detail for dissection from everyone these days.

My parents and in-laws can be similar but they get our family press release and no more than that. Some things are private.

Years ago we said dd had had a nice end of year report and mil she said she looked forward to reading it. Er I don’t think so 😄

OP you sound a lovely mum and your dd is doing great. That’s more important than anything and everything else put together xx

HalzTangz · 12/08/2021 07:32

My honest response to this is....

Does your family know she had a overdose attempt. If they do I would text everyone before hand and say whatever the results are today, my daughter's getting stressed (as all teenagers do) and we don't wat to add to that stress with everyone hounding her for her grades. We would love to come celebrate but please do not ask for grades, if she eats to share them she will tell you. If you can't respect this we will celebrate alone. Wish all your children the best of luck and congratulations for reaching this milestone.

Then engage no further other other than to say respect my and my daughter's wishes

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/08/2021 07:36

@tolerable

my dad gave my big sis £50 per "A" result.(they all were) the truth is,i was probably never really made aware of this until i heard her dispute that he handed me the same (per result,not all A).he told her,mind your business,it wasnt ever an incentive, i "treated"you both for trying your best. Thats how it works
Aww, I'm in love with your dad! Brought a tear to my eye, remembering my own father, who, decades ago, when I was panicking about my final degree exams, just said: "As long as you're happy, that's all that matters." It really helped me and calmed me down. I hope we've done the same with our child - always told her we were proud of her and supported her whatever her results, as we knew she'd done her best.
Nobeautysleep · 12/08/2021 07:36

“Thanks for asking after my daughter, we’re so proud of her and today we’ll be having family celebrations. Well done to your daughters too!”

People can be so rude. I hope you have a great day today and sure your daughter has achieved well - she sounds like she’s done amazing to get through the last few years, which is the most important thing!

PostMenWithACat · 12/08/2021 07:39

Life starts when you leave school; it doesn't end when you leave and there are many years ahead to make an impact. Also if you are in Ireland, chances are your dd is pretty well educated regardless of the qualifications.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/08/2021 07:40

Sorry, meant to wish you and your daughter all good things today, @SVlover. Agree with everyone else, you're doing a great job supporting your daughter and putting her first. And to be fair to all these teens, these two pandemic years have been awful for them and they've all done well to get to this point, whatever their grades!

peridito · 12/08/2021 07:45

Not read whole thread but you do indeed sound lovely ,no wonder your daughter is as well .

Personality SO much more important than grades and is what will get her through life .(personal experience = great at exams ,degree etc ,not so great at the things that matter ,enjoying life ,relationships ,raising children )

KatieB55 · 12/08/2021 07:46

Switch your phone off, pack a picnic & go out for the day!
Look after your daughter and enjoy the time she is at home before she flies the nest.

Grimbelina · 12/08/2021 07:47

If asked directly for grades I think is go with a wide smile and "why on earth would you need to know that? She's brilliant, and we're proud of her". And don't forget that just because someone asks a question doesn't mean you need to answer it.

Absolutely love this and good to be reminded to push back to the person asking.

Also, as someone who got top grades, top university etc. etc. it really was at the expense of mental and consequently health in my case (and in many of my contemporaries however 'shiny' things look on the surface). It really wasn't worth it and not the way I am bringing up my own DC (I hope!). Your daughter has done very well to recover from her overdose and do any exams at all. I am glad you can celebrate her for who she is.

reprehensibleme · 12/08/2021 07:48

'She did brilliantly - we're really proud of her. Oops, sorry, can't remember exact grades for each subject but they were all great'

EspressoDoubleShot · 12/08/2021 07:50

You tell people she’s a lovely Lassie and you’re super proud of her
Let her chose a reward she likes from Amazon and tell her she’s a star
Over competitive parents are right pain. Of course you don’t need to reveal % to them

robotcollision · 12/08/2021 07:53

I'd keep it generic: Well done to everyone for working so hard. You all deserve a rest and a party now.

And if they are all blathering on about specific grades, take your daughter aside and say: Right now this might seem so important. By this time next year, no one will care. It's just a stage in life. You did fine. And you are already on to the next stage.

Arrowheart · 12/08/2021 07:54

You sound like an amazing mum and your child is very fortunate to have you. I don't understand parents who love the judgement on results day. All the smug ones seem to come out from under their rocks and try to compile their own league tables for their child's cohort and seem to get very active on social media. It's as if they have sat the exams on behalf of their kids.

I know I will be proud of mine regardless.

gmailconfusion2 · 12/08/2021 07:54

My mother always used to say 'she tried her hardest and that's all we asked'

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