To feel like 'reaching out' to people doesn't actually work

[JanuaryBones]

I'm in a right pickle, a mess of mum guilt, stress, frustration and tiredness. Trying to hold down a full time job with a school age child and one in nursery in a pandemic. Every month I feel I've got my childcare sorted another shitstorm comes along with isolation, school closures and now working from home being taken away (with two weeks notice.) There's not as many holiday clubs and the ones I've found are either far away, ludicrously expensive or 9-3. For all my employer talks about flexibility, it means nothing.
I've managed to book two weeks off in the school holidays and dp managed to get one (small business). The other three weeks it's just me running them around to relatives, holiday clubs and then back again. It's now quarter to eight and I've not ate anything bar two digestives, the kids are still awake, my colleagues are barely speaking to me due to my leaving early and starting late and I have no one to talk to about it.
My friends either have jobs and no kids, very part time jobs, very flexible jobs or nursery aged children. I don't feel anyone truly gets it. If I reach out to say I'm really struggling I get an 'oh dear' or no response at all. I just dread waking up tomorrow and doing it all again. I feel retchingly guilty that my dc does nothing in the summer except sit in an elderly relative living room or get driven to holiday clubs.

I understand completely.

I have a 7yo, a vey demanding full time job and a husband who also works full time and doesn't drive so can't help with any of the ferrying.

I have found that the only way I can cope with school holidays is to accept it's going to cost a fortune (£45 a day) and book a good solid holiday club. It means we have to save up throughout the year and sacrifice other things to cover the cost but it's been so worth it.

Trying to juggle family, friends, shared care always goes wrong somewhere or comes with so many obstacles it just adds stress and frustration.

This summer, I took week 1 off to spend with DD then 4 days a week she has gone to the outdoor pursuits centre 15 minutes drive away where she's spent every day kayaking, abseiling, climbing, doing bush crafts, archery, fencing..... she gets home happy, full of stories and absolutely shattered each day and is ready for sleep by 7.30pm.

Friday she spends at home while DH and I WFH, we have activities set up for her to do, make sure we hang out at break and lunch times which we stagger so she has less time entertaining herself and we are available for chat in between and she just rests up and takes it easy.

I then have the final week of the holidays off and we have activities booked and will go and get the new school shoes, haircuts and other last minute things sorted.

If there is any way at all to cover the costs I really cannot advocate enough for signing up to a good holiday club, even if it's just a few days a week.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo thank you so much for your reply, it's good to know someone understand. I have signed her up for a holiday club but it's £30 a day, 10-3 and really far away. She's ADD too and a lot of the activity clubs she just wouldn't be able to focus on. I hate not being able to WFH and having to do be present in the office all the time when I could do so much more at home and have more flexibility to find a local holiday club. At present I'm really struggling with the whole mental load, dp doesn't really get it. DC2 starting school in September so the whole thing seems endless and employers seem to run out of patience already.

I know it isn't the point but why do you think.others work part time , are in flexible jobs or don't work? They don't need to get the choices you made, they've made their own. I worked 2 days , then 2.5 then 3 then 4 then back to full time depending on ages and stages. Not saying it isn't hard ,choices aren't limited and child care costs but I am unsure what you want others to get really.

@Sleepingdogs12 it's not about blaming others for the choices I've made, it's just it would be nice to speak to someone who works full time and has small children as I don't know anyone who 'gets it.' Not that it's harder, just different challenges, childcare (needing more of it) is just one!

God I feel you! It’s a nightmare. I think when my 2 youngest are at school (I.e. not in nursery in summer) we will have to get an au pair or something but appreciate that’s not always an option.

Can I ask why your DH isn’t doing one of the runs? E.g. dropping off so you start early and work, say, 7-3 and he do 10-6 or something?

My work is quite good with flexibility and I can WFH but I’d still struggle with what you’re doing right now.

If I reach out to say I'm really struggling I get an 'oh dear' or no response at all

I don’t mean to sound unkind, but what response were you expecting? That they’ll offer to look after your kids?

I think it sounds more like no one you've reached out to has practical advice, so they're just trying to show some empathy for the clearly difficult position you're in.

*If I reach out to say I'm really struggling I get an 'oh dear' or no response at all

I don’t mean to sound unkind, but what response were you expecting? That they’ll offer to look after your kids?*

Yes- it would be nice if people offered to help if they are able to

Absolutely - Ive always worked full time as a single mum and zero support, and just generally felt like there was no give.
Most holiday clubs unfeasible due to timings or no car. Annual leave out the question as I ended up having a childminder and had to take holidays at the same time as her. No family. Reluctant to accept help because I felt guilty for not being able to reciprocate. Work wouldn't even let me log in from home to catch up so I had to finish everything in the office. The list goes on!
Everything just seems to mesh together and it felt like I was the only one making compromises and everything was late, rushed, or done poorly.
Sorry OP no answer but I understand. My best option was just to pay more unfortunately, which did ended up very tight.

Mine are grown now but tbh if you had “reached out” to me (sorry, hate that phrase) I’m afraid I would have immediately worried that you were about to sound me out for possible childcare. My own were enough so I would very quickly try to change the subject.

I’m so sorry if that sounds harsh but at the time mine still needed holiday care, I was a SAHM and the number of people who assumed I could absorb theirs on top of my own without a thought was astonishing.

Ah OP, I understand to some level, I've been struggling lately as I run my own business but luckily my ex can take time off to cover the holidays as I was panicking at the £30 x 2 it would have cost to put my kids in holiday clubs and if the kids had to be at home he would WFH here. But my house is absolutely trashed and washing is piled high. He has really pulled his weight through this.

My best friend is in a very very similar situation to you and she has just started counselling because she was on the verge of a break down ( I think it had already started tbh)

She has a Dh problem and I think you have too. She can't focus on how shit he is because she has to focus on the kids and work. She is also the main bread winner and all the monetary responsibilities fall on her so she can't give work up. But his cards are marked and he will be out soon when she gathers her strength.

Don't feel guilty about the kids, your doing your absolute best to get through this. The pressure on women has been horrendous. The kids will be fine and safe and there will be other school holidays. I spent all my summers at my grannies house as a child, it never did me any harm.

With regards to work have you had a proper sit down meeting with your boss and told them how you are feeling and if there is anything that could help? Forget your work colleagues, you are spinning plates at the moment and they are irrelevant

@Greenmarmalade

*If I reach out to say I'm really struggling I get an 'oh dear' or no response at all

I don’t mean to sound unkind, but what response were you expecting? That they’ll offer to look after your kids?*

Yes- it would be nice if people offered to help if they are able to

Do you think people choose to be childless just so they can look after other people’s children.

Have you not got a nice local teen who babysits for you? DD2 often takes out her charges to parks/playgrounds/picnics etc. or spends time supervising them in their own homes so parents can work.
I do feel for you - horrid when you feel pulled in many directions.

I feel you Op, it’s so stressful. Your colleagues sound quite mean though, could you move jobs? Perhaps to a bigger organisation which could absorb the flexibility a bit better? Aka as long as the work was done?

Yep.

2 FT jobs here.

One 5 year old and one 18 month old whose entire life has been covid.

One set of grandparents 2 hours away. Another set - let’s see - 2 continents away.

The summer holidays and half terms needs microscopic planning and money and annual leave to manage for the 5 year old. Thank fuck the baby is in nursery and that’s that - they don’t close bar a few days a year.

So totally get it. But wouldn’t do it differently.

I wish the work and school world were better aligned. It makes me furious how much great time and energy, from people at the absolute sweet spot in their careers, is frittered away on the shitty mental load of school holidays. With the tiniest effort could think immediately of about 4 different simple solutions which, implemented nationally, would improve the wellbeing of children and parents and boost the economy as people could be so much more productive. It's all such bollocks the way it's done now.

I agree with @MrsSkylerWhite. This is going to sound a bit harsh, but these people who don’t work/work part time generally do so in order to be able to have time with their own kids during the school holidays. And they/their families take a financial hit in order to do that.

This is crass, but basically it’s like this. You work to have money for your family - and this flip side is that you have less time. They don’t work and therefore have more time, but less money. Would you be willing, for example, to take unpaid leave to babysit for a friend? No - and they wouldn’t be reasonable to ask you to. Would you give them some of your wages if they were hard up? I’d assume not (again, bar a genuine emergency). So it’s not reasonable either to assume that you’re entitled to someone’s time just because they don’t work.

Sorry but I think i would be a bit non commital as well.

It sounds like you want to contact them so they will offer child care. What are you going to offer them?

I got stung a few times by parents like that; I looked after their child for free for several days and they never reciprocated with even half a day playdate.

I agree with those asking what response you want — we both work FT and juggle childcare (and over longer holidays than the UK), but everyone i know is in the same boat.

I absolutely don't want childcare. I want to spend time with my own children in the holidays. I'm stung by my job which is a caseload of clients, if I'm not there, no one takes over my caseload. We're talking about vulnerable adults. So if I'm not there, they have no support. It's that feeling of being torn between wishing I could be at home and then spending every hour at home worrying about my caseload when I'm not there.

Extreme solution perhaps but maybe you should move to somewhere that has lots of holiday club provision. There's lots where I live for whole working day hours, but yes it's not cheap (although cheaper than nursery) although I still use childcare vouchers. Or you could ask about unpaid leave?

Crossposted there

Have a chat with your manager, if nothing come of it, maybe start having a look for a more flexible job

I'm also not really sure what you want people to do or say? Everyone else is probably in the same boat.

I've done my time working part time evenings around DHs hours when childcare for two preschoolers cost more than my full time wage. My DH has turned down numerous job offers with more money in the last few months (HGV driver) because his current working hours are better for childcare. We've had our years hemorrhaging money to send the kids to the childminder for the entire summer holidays. DH and I have worked full time and home schooled two kids over the recent school closures. I doubt we are in anyway unique.

In which case you need to seriously consider what your priority is and if you decide your job just isn’t working for you maybe consider retraining for a role that better suits your family’s needs.

You clearly can’t be with your clients and your children when they both need you and the guilt is doing you no good whatsoever.