To feel like 'reaching out' to people doesn't actually work

[JanuaryBones]

I'm in a right pickle, a mess of mum guilt, stress, frustration and tiredness. Trying to hold down a full time job with a school age child and one in nursery in a pandemic. Every month I feel I've got my childcare sorted another shitstorm comes along with isolation, school closures and now working from home being taken away (with two weeks notice.) There's not as many holiday clubs and the ones I've found are either far away, ludicrously expensive or 9-3. For all my employer talks about flexibility, it means nothing.
I've managed to book two weeks off in the school holidays and dp managed to get one (small business). The other three weeks it's just me running them around to relatives, holiday clubs and then back again. It's now quarter to eight and I've not ate anything bar two digestives, the kids are still awake, my colleagues are barely speaking to me due to my leaving early and starting late and I have no one to talk to about it.
My friends either have jobs and no kids, very part time jobs, very flexible jobs or nursery aged children. I don't feel anyone truly gets it. If I reach out to say I'm really struggling I get an 'oh dear' or no response at all. I just dread waking up tomorrow and doing it all again. I feel retchingly guilty that my dc does nothing in the summer except sit in an elderly relative living room or get driven to holiday clubs.

The long summer ‘holiday’ is always tricky even with two parents working FT and sharing the weekday parenting, and the thought of what it SHOULD be like for DC on ‘holidays’ with a parent around on many weekdays can make it harder.

We had one week annual leave off together for years, so that one of us could cover more weeks. Didn’t do our relationship any favours!

@OhTheTastyNuts

Having two FT working parents is a choice. When DH and I were working out what had to 'give' to make things manageable/bearable we considered:

Who earned the most (me)
Whose job could be flexible location wise (his)
Who was most ambitious (him)
Etc, etc and came to a decision about what would work best for us.

Neither of us particularly wanted to give up our careers, but we had a child with some additional needs and something needed to change.

I know loads of families where the mum works FT and the dad does flexible PT work/is a SAHP. And vice versa. They take a financial (and often a life satisfaction/wellbeing) hit so that family life runs more smoothly.

It's not EASY to give up a career you've worked hard at to go PT or be a SAHP. It's a different choice, with different stressors.

It is a choice for some. For others it is necessary in order to survive financially.

This summer has been problematic for childcare I agree. The holiday clubs here are full (restricted numbers), not running at all or (the one my daughter goes to) running restricted hours 9-3. Luckily H and I both have desk jobs and are still WFH. My boss wanted me back in the office from 21 July but I said no, I will be back in September. I am sufficiently senior enough to have that kind of influence though and i do appreciate most people aren't. Hopefully this will be the last summer of its kind.

That aside, don't feel bad about holiday clubs. You and your partner ARE taking time off with the children so you are really only talking about 3 weeks or so. When your kids are at school/after school club you aren't spending time with them. No one expects you to feel bad about that. You can't clone yourself. If you work full time you won't be able to see/look after your children in work hours. That is the same for women and men both. You do have the benefit of career you are good at and enjoy, a full time wage, staying on the career ladder, paying into a pension - your children also benefit from those things.

Both my children (one now a teen) loved holiday club. My mum was self employed medical professional and my sister and I used to spend a lot of our holidays stuck upstairs while she WFH downstairs or sitting in her car outside her patients houses while she did visits. She prided herself on never "dumping" her children in paid childcare. However we were so bored I could have poked my eyes out. We would have been overjoyed to go to holiday club!

if you really hate working in the school holidays then you need to think about a career that is term time only. But I agree with the PPs who have homed in on whether the real issue is your DP being useless: not bearing the mental load; not doing his share domestically; not being able to drive (how on earth does he manage to be a flooring specialist without a van???) He needs to step up.

Don't feel guilty though, it is pointless. It is like dragging a big sack of rubbish around with you when you could just put it down and walk away from it. Decide what you want to change (or not) and how it needs to happen.

@Heliachi

Well, after all, the workplace is meant to be concerned with work not one's domestic issues.

So the myth goes.

But of course work is done by people and people do not exist in a vacuum, they have families and friends and lives. To deny any connection between the two is to be disingenuous at best.

What history tells us is that no issue is taken seriously until it affects men. So too will be the case with managing the work-family balance. When a high proportion of men have their work affected by family, we can expect to see society acknowledge family as more than a disruption to money making.

[quote JanuaryBones]@50ShadesOfCatholic I agree with you. It's really strange that it happens in my organisation as 70% of the staff are women, head of ops is a woman, clinical lead is a woman, nearly all female managers. Yet with childcare issues they are (generally) crap. Maybe it's because we're not 'qualified' or because we're lower paid, I don't know. Maybe it's because they have to be seen as tough, like their male counterparts, I'm not sure! They're even crap with stuff like the menopause and pregnancy, female issues which you would assume they had some knowledge of.[/quote]
See, what I think happens with a lot of women who are in senior positions is that they have achieved it by pretending they don't have children - so having a lot of support at home to do all the pickups/emergencies - so they think everyone else should do the same and lack understanding that not everyone's lives are like that.

I have been very lucky that one of my senior managers has children, has no support at home and is absolutely upfront about it and wouldn't think twice about leaving a meeting at 4 to pick her DC up - it certainly changes the environment/culture

@50ShadesOfCatholic

So very well said. It's always trotted out here about planning for every eventuality and how it's never an employers job to be understanding or flexible.

If we lived by all of that to it's word no one would have children.

Totally agree the big problem here is a sexist society that sees children as a woman's job and a woman's problem.

[quote Zaragirl84]@50ShadesOfCatholic

So very well said. It's always trotted out here about planning for every eventuality and how it's never an employers job to be understanding or flexible.

If we lived by all of that to it's word no one would have children.

Totally agree the big problem here is a sexist society that sees children as a woman's job and a woman's problem.[/quote]
I suspect a lot of people feel great envy at the prospect of women being treated well as so many have not. An almost, "well I suffered so you can too" sort of attitude.

It would be so great of we could all pull together for the greater good.

What history tells us is that no issue is taken seriously until it affects men. So too will be the case with managing the work-family balance. When a high proportion of men have their work affected by family, we can expect to see society acknowledge family as more than a disruption to money making

@50ShadesOfCatholic I agree, and have said this for many years. The model of "DH with his big important job, and DW with part time / SAHM" is unhelpful to equality. In future, I expect that it'll become increasingly common for both partners to work similar hours. At that point, I expect that men will seek flexible hours, reduced hours over holiday periods etc, and it'll happen

I think your partner needs to step up. What solutions is he looking into or offering?

It's all very well him taking a week off but what if you weren't around? What would he do then? He can't just blithely take a week and expect you to sort the rest.

With regard to your colleagues, it sounds difficult but I dont think people get it unless they have kids. I used to judge my colleagues terribly before I had mine!!

Mother Pukka is running a campaign on the school holidays issue. I'm married to a teacher but he's in a different/neighbouring LEA so holidays don't align, very helpful
Next year I'm looking at taking three weeks of unpaid parental leave for pre-school settling in as they don't start it until about 11 sep and then it's two hours a day for two weeks so I can't even leave her in private nursery provision until then. The system isn't working

I wish this wasn't my experience but in the four hetero relationships I know where the woman works ft and the man is the sahp, it has all gone horribly wrong with either the couple eventually splitting, or the woman being driven to exhaustion because the man didn't pull his weight, and she ended up doing everything in the evenings and weekends. This was eight years ago though so things may have changed.

I do have gay friends of both sexes who have managed to make equal parenting & housework /equal woh work well for them though.

I get it OP. We both work FT and live overseas from our respective countries, so all family is abroad.

Holiday club is the only option for reception-age DS, but even that, in addition to the crèche for DS2, is closed for 3 weeks in mid-summer, so they are difficult to juggle.

What helps is that DH and I fully share the load. In fact, he does the drop-offs and pick-ups as the kids are more cooperative for him and he’s often out for work anyway.

I work more remotely with business trips overseas 1-2 times per month, so I make prepare dinner most days for when DH returns with them.

Read your updates. DP does nothing and you seem to just accept that. He’s the lower earning half and yet it’s you on call for the kids and running around 100%.
Why were you asking to leave 4.30 on the day if your childcare is booked in advance? Emergency yes but otherwise surely you know week of 9th you need to work 8-4 and have it agreed well in advance.
If you are in a meeting then DP is on call for that day and deals with any issues. He’s their parent too.

Of course employers have a responsibility to be flexible and understanding but not all are, which is why a lot of choose/stay with employers who do offer flexibility/understanding/reduced hour, even if the jobs aren't the most interesting or well paid.

OP your OH needs to do far more here. If you weren’t around, what would he do then?

@LaPufalina

Mother Pukka is running a campaign on the school holidays issue. I'm married to a teacher but he's in a different/neighbouring LEA so holidays don't align, very helpful Next year I'm looking at taking three weeks of unpaid parental leave for pre-school settling in as they don't start it until about 11 sep and then it's two hours a day for two weeks so I can't even leave her in private nursery provision until then. The system isn't working

I'm married to a teacher but he's in a different/neighbouring LEA so holidays don't align, very helpful hmm

@LaPufalina that's unfortunate for you, but it's often suggested that, for the majority, it would be preferable if local authorities had different school term dates, to avoid everyone trying to go on holiday at the same time

I have 3 now ages 7-11, but all 2yr apart
Some summer months childcare has cost me £2,800

What works:

• it costs a lot. Suck it up. Worth it for career progression etc. Ie 4yr ago I earns £60k, now on £90k. Part of the cost of working and spread it mentally across the year
• used to start saving up in spring eg so has £2/3k ready

Thing they work

• au pairs
• paying part time friends eg x2 x3hr slots with one child who is friends with theirs, £10ph to take our with theirs. Awkward to ask but most people want money. But make it formal and book in advance
• extend cleaners hours to play with younger kids or read books or practice handwriting etc. Most jump at it as easier and extra money
• churches / youth places often run part time sessions. Pay someone to take and collect if you have to
• advertise for 3-6pm house help. We have one at present who plays with 7y old, does kitchen light housework makes meals, does cooking and slushy making etc

Appreciate all of this involves money but it all requires planning and all works. I've done this since 2010 and as I've said career has gone very well. If you're in your career long term and want to progress, just takes planning and cash

Also don't necessarily tell people - if they have done v PT etc have different priorities no need to justify yourself - men don't. Kids also love meeting others. Doing new things, esp if sociable type (all of mine are chatty and love sports). So no one has ever moaned really.

I really feel for you, it is so hard to cover the whole summer holidays.

BUT your guilt is SO misplaced, honestly. Your DD has 3 whole weeks of being with her parents in the summer holidays and two of those sound like they'll be focused on doing fun things etc.

My mum worked term-time only when myself and my sister were young, and aside from the actual family holiday which was 2 weeks of it when my dad was also off, we did nothing! Even though my mum was home with us every day.

We just mainly entertained ourselves at home, watched videos, did puzzles, played in the garden, rode our bikes, sometimes went to the park. Saw our grandparents once a week usually.

I completely sympathise with you and how hard you're finding it as I know I would too, but please don't feel like your daughter is missing out on anything. You are doing great already.

what does reaching out mean? contacting, begging, venting, asking??

@trappistkepler

what does reaching out mean? contacting, begging, venting, asking??

Reaching out means getting in touch with someone when you need some kind of support or information.

@JanuaryBones

I absolutely don't want childcare. I want to spend time with my own children in the holidays. I'm stung by my job which is a caseload of clients, if I'm not there, no one takes over my caseload. We're talking about vulnerable adults. So if I'm not there, they have no support. It's that feeling of being torn between wishing I could be at home and then spending every hour at home worrying about my caseload when I'm not there.

Can you say a little more about this?

What is the nature of your worries about your caseload when you’re at home? Is it truly every hour that you worry about it?

Still unclear where OPs partner is in all of this.