To feel like 'reaching out' to people doesn't actually work

[JanuaryBones]

I'm in a right pickle, a mess of mum guilt, stress, frustration and tiredness. Trying to hold down a full time job with a school age child and one in nursery in a pandemic. Every month I feel I've got my childcare sorted another shitstorm comes along with isolation, school closures and now working from home being taken away (with two weeks notice.) There's not as many holiday clubs and the ones I've found are either far away, ludicrously expensive or 9-3. For all my employer talks about flexibility, it means nothing.
I've managed to book two weeks off in the school holidays and dp managed to get one (small business). The other three weeks it's just me running them around to relatives, holiday clubs and then back again. It's now quarter to eight and I've not ate anything bar two digestives, the kids are still awake, my colleagues are barely speaking to me due to my leaving early and starting late and I have no one to talk to about it.
My friends either have jobs and no kids, very part time jobs, very flexible jobs or nursery aged children. I don't feel anyone truly gets it. If I reach out to say I'm really struggling I get an 'oh dear' or no response at all. I just dread waking up tomorrow and doing it all again. I feel retchingly guilty that my dc does nothing in the summer except sit in an elderly relative living room or get driven to holiday clubs.

You say you have some help from elderly relatives. If they are capable of looking after your children indoors, could they manage to take them out? Could you suggest, organise or even pay for suitable outings and activities? It might give your children more interesting experiences and make it more enjoyable for the relatives as well. School holidays take a lot of planning! I remember it well! I am sorry that you have been dumped on by the wholly inadequate notice of your employer's "back to the office" dictat. In the circumstances, I might well be looking for a more flexible job with a more enlightened employer. Don't take the guilt yourself. This isn't all on you!

You've got 3 weeks off between you?? That's not doing nothing or sitting in an elderly relatives sitting room!

You're clearly overwhelmed. I get it. I'm in same position- I'm working alternate weeks over the hols which basically means squeezing 2 weeks work into 1, then having a week off. And repeat.

The working weeks are a haze of holiday clubs and logistics. I'm telling myself variety is good for them.

The whole WFH/homeschool thing has sent many of us to the edge of sanity. You need to consider if this is a short term problem which will be solved / not reoccur or a long term lifestyle choice in which case you need to find a way to manage your own standards and experience

I don't know why you're apologising for your language skills, I never would have guessed English wasn't your first language until you said! If you were going to go part time would your first language be one there is any opportunity for translating or tutoring work on the side? It can be quite well paying and can choose your hours.

Agree with others the only person who can fix this is your manager. Don't go in expecting her to make suggestions, have a meeting and ask for what you want, whether that's term time working, applying for working from home, more flexibility, whatever. If you make a formal request employer's have to at least consider it. Do you have a union? If you make it clear its a choice between them being accommodating or you leaving completely you might have a chance.
Have you worked out how much you would actually lose after tax, any tax credits etc if you went down to 3 or 4 days a week to make it a bit easier?

If not consider looking for another job that is more flexible. If your youngest dc is in nursery you've got at least another 7 years of this so you can't carry on!

Have you room for an au pair? Could you get a university student, maybe one studying nursing or education, to have her for you?

There must be lots of redundancies as a result of Covid so maybe you could find another mum and pay her well so you would have less running around.

Whoops, didn't read the thread and already been suggested.

Is there any leeway for a discussion around dropping a day during the summer holiday, granted you'd lose some salary but a possible compromise.

On a practical level DP does the same and also takes driving lessons.

Maybe look at temporary childcare from nannies. However you've said that you don't want childcare.
So what do you want?
Most employers work all year round.
Are you just wanting to work for 38 weeks a year, and 6 hours a day?
That's not how most employers operate.

Maybe some large National corporations can work that way but a hairdresser, butcher, estate agent etc... can't have employees working according to school hours /term time.

I was struggling last summer and took two weeks unpaid parental leave in addition to 2 weeks annual leave.

You have a statutory right to take unpaid parental leave - up to 4 weeks a year, maximum of 18 weeks per child by their 18th birthday.

Employer can’t refuse the leave itself but can refuse the specific dates you ask for. This might help.

I would also say holiday clubs are not necessarily a bad thing for your dc. Both of mine have developed their social skills by going to them.

@HotPenguin I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there

@Sleepingdogs12

I know it isn't the point but why do you think.others work part time , are in flexible jobs or don't work? They don't need to get the choices you made, they've made their own. I worked 2 days , then 2.5 then 3 then 4 then back to full time depending on ages and stages. Not saying it isn't hard ,choices aren't limited and child care costs but I am unsure what you want others to get really.

I agree to an extent as I chose to work part time hours, something that my colleagues I can tell are resentful of but I feel I have to work harder to prove myself and get less money. However, I think it's unfair to say this on the OP's thread when she was looking for support and being able to work part time in itself is lucky! Trying to understand how hard it is for the OP would be a kinder thing to do.

I completely understand your struggles. Although I must say £30 for a holiday club is much cheaper than you can find in our area.
For most people I know the costs of holiday care were part of the decision making process about whether to go back FT or PT. Many have chosen to work PT precisely because it wouldn't be worth their while after holiday and after school clubs.
Do you have child care vouchers? We've found it useful to save these up throughout the year to pay for holiday clubs.

Can you formally request flexible working and remote working part of the week? So maybe you can write up notes or do paperwork from home but be in the office during part of the day. Surely there's admin to do around these vulnerable clients. Join a union and get support if your requests are denied.

@CoastalWave

That's why most end up working part time, taking a large pay cut or moving jobs completely.

I think it's an awful marketing ploy to sell that you can 'have it all' I'm sorry, you can't. SOMETHING has to give. You're choosing to work full time - that's the reality you're choosing. I actually feel sorry for your kids - what do they get out of all of this?

Personally, I cut my cloth accordingly and downsized massively in order to take a large pay cut and only work evenings. My husbands works days. I barely see my husband except for at weekends but I do see my kids. It won't be forever but it works and the kids come first. In the holidays, I am 100% there each day. Sure, we don't have holidays and no one has new clothes, But you can get so much now second hand for next to nothing it's totally doable - IF you wanted to.

Otherwise, it's work full time and have exactly the situation you describe - unless you have parents on hand to do childcare for free.

Think this is massively unfair. It's not as easy as this for many people.

I think you’re only solution really is to find a more flexible job. You don’t need me to tell you that the school holidays are LONG, and they will be for a number of years.
It’s like this for many, but it doesn’t make it ok. It’s the government’s fault for not valuing ‘childcare’ in any way, economically or otherwise. But sadly that is how it is, and you have to make your personal circumstances work for you.
It sounds like you cannot go on like this. But only you and your family can find something that works for you

@Sleepingdogs12

I know it isn't the point but why do you think.others work part time , are in flexible jobs or don't work? They don't need to get the choices you made, they've made their own. I worked 2 days , then 2.5 then 3 then 4 then back to full time depending on ages and stages. Not saying it isn't hard ,choices aren't limited and child care costs but I am unsure what you want others to get really.

This. I do part time flexible work not because I can 'afford it' like some ppl like to say, but because 3 young kids = to many childcare curve balls. My hourly wages also wouldn't even match childcare so it would earn me no money to work more and pay for more childcare. But....this flexibility means I sacrifice hugely. We live in a tiny too small house, we don't go on foreign holidays etc. It is also bloody hard to struggle for money but I can usually manage childcare if something crops up as it inevitably does. Ya if DH earned loads and I could still do this job that would be lovely but right now I've chosen to have less so as not to have to do what you're doing right now. As women and families we are fucked in a society that pretty much demands two incomes to have a house.

Op I should add
If my post was in a negative tone I apologise. I get annoyed at all the situations we are in xx hugs. You have choices and power here.
Practical ideas
Make budget:what does working fulltime cost you: Childcare, fuel, lunches, clothing, sanity.

Pros and cons
Priorities and family values
Rough 5 Yr plan

Consider the above and whether your current situation gets you to your family values and where you want to be.

Consider if extra € really is extra, and if its worth the stress overall.

What job do you do? Have you ever thought of looking for something more family friendly;? There are employers out there that are willing to employ working parents & allow them flexibility to care for their children.

Agreed. You also need to look at childcare as an annual cost, a bit like heating bills, and budget across the year to allow for the 13 weeks of holiday. That took some serious maths initially, but once you start to do that it takes the £ shock out of the summer.

PP have made excellent points about Flexible working requests and unpaid Parental leave. Does your DP get any kind of tax relief as a SE person - pursue all avenues.

Might not help this summer, but get you in better shape for next.

Finally, kids don't remember being in Granny's living room as boring. They remember that day you went to the seaside at 8pm after work for chips and ice cream.

I hear you OP, school hols are a nightmare.
But don't feel guilty you're doing your best

Is there any teenagers on school holidays old enough to be responsible and want to earn some cash.
Even two days for park visits.
Your friends could be more helpful too, it takes a village sometimes, remember it when they've a second at different stages.

Someone mentioned this above but a teenage ‘mother’s help’ a few hours a week can be hugely helpful in term time and then ask them for extra hours during half term and holidays. Just to give you a break to do a hobby (or hide in your room) early evening during the school term, and then they can take on extra responsibility when school is out.

Could your partner do all the arranging of childcare - since he can’t drive? Your contribution would be the pick ups and drop offs bit - but he would need to research and book holiday clubs/childminder. That seems a fairer split. Perhaps a less intense job for a few years may be helpful?

I sympathise-it sounds hard.

I’m not quite sure what you mean about ‘reaching out’ though?

You say you don’t want people to help with childcare, ok-fine. Then you say you just want to speak to people with small children who work full time, but say you don’t know anyone like that so who exactly are you reaching out to?

If you want to hear from people in the same situation to get tips/sympathy/advice, maybe start a thread asking, ‘is anyone else out there who works full time with school children-how do you cope in the summer holidays?’ then at least you are ‘reaching out’ to the people you want to?!

You don't want childcare but you want to work?

You are frazzled because DP is doing nothing. It’s also unfair on your employer if you are the one always coming late and leaving early. Usually you’d split it so dad drop off mum pick up etc. He gets to carry on at work as normal while you find childcare, drive around.
Sit down with calendar divide holidays. He has his weeks to source childcare for and get them to and from It (public transport/taxi) You could get on with work on his weeks to make up time for your weeks.