To feel like 'reaching out' to people doesn't actually work

[JanuaryBones]

I'm in a right pickle, a mess of mum guilt, stress, frustration and tiredness. Trying to hold down a full time job with a school age child and one in nursery in a pandemic. Every month I feel I've got my childcare sorted another shitstorm comes along with isolation, school closures and now working from home being taken away (with two weeks notice.) There's not as many holiday clubs and the ones I've found are either far away, ludicrously expensive or 9-3. For all my employer talks about flexibility, it means nothing.
I've managed to book two weeks off in the school holidays and dp managed to get one (small business). The other three weeks it's just me running them around to relatives, holiday clubs and then back again. It's now quarter to eight and I've not ate anything bar two digestives, the kids are still awake, my colleagues are barely speaking to me due to my leaving early and starting late and I have no one to talk to about it.
My friends either have jobs and no kids, very part time jobs, very flexible jobs or nursery aged children. I don't feel anyone truly gets it. If I reach out to say I'm really struggling I get an 'oh dear' or no response at all. I just dread waking up tomorrow and doing it all again. I feel retchingly guilty that my dc does nothing in the summer except sit in an elderly relative living room or get driven to holiday clubs.

Is this really a problem because of the pandemic or poor family planning/organisation? There are two of you, you need to come up with a long term workable plan with contingency for sickness/teacher strikes/snow days etc and for school holidays. It has been very difficult yes but you need to prepare for the future - COVID isn't the only reason you may struggle with childcare. I would have more sympathy if you were a single parent but between the two of you, you should be able to muster up a plan. You are both equally responsible, not just you.

People can be very encouraging when it comes to having children, but nobody wants to help you look after them. It's very hard op. It will get better as they get older.

Sorry to ask the obvious but can you not drop your hours and work part time? You’ll not have as much childcare fees and be a lot less stressed and therefore a better more mentally present mother.

That sounds stressful. Can you

• go part time for a few years?
• work 4 long days and get a day off in the week?
• ask DP to take an extra week off?
• ask DP to do the drop off or the pick up each day of holiday club?
• ask to work term time only?
• hire a nanny?

I know you just wanted to get some support so may not want ideas. We have the opposite - both teachers and primary school never did breakfast club & we both need to be in work for 8ish ready for meetings and tutor time etc. So while we had no problems in school hols the 39 weeks a year of school term were really stressful for us. I used to wake up stressed. I did go part time just to juggle everything & had little money for a long time. I agree the mental load is hard work,

That's why most end up working part time, taking a large pay cut or moving jobs completely.

I think it's an awful marketing ploy to sell that you can 'have it all' I'm sorry, you can't. SOMETHING has to give. You're choosing to work full time - that's the reality you're choosing. I actually feel sorry for your kids - what do they get out of all of this?

Personally, I cut my cloth accordingly and downsized massively in order to take a large pay cut and only work evenings. My husbands works days. I barely see my husband except for at weekends but I do see my kids. It won't be forever but it works and the kids come first. In the holidays, I am 100% there each day. Sure, we don't have holidays and no one has new clothes, But you can get so much now second hand for next to nothing it's totally doable - IF you wanted to.

Otherwise, it's work full time and have exactly the situation you describe - unless you have parents on hand to do childcare for free.

What about your partner stopping work to be a stay at home parent for a while? Might make more sense if his earning power is limited.

@MrsBumm

I wish the work and school world were better aligned. It makes me furious how much great time and energy, from people at the absolute sweet spot in their careers, is frittered away on the shitty mental load of school holidays. With the tiniest effort could think immediately of about 4 different simple solutions which, implemented nationally, would improve the wellbeing of children and parents and boost the economy as people could be so much more productive. It's all such bollocks the way it's done now.

1 millions times this. My kids have an 8 week summer holiday, it just feels so unnecessary, when they could have smaller breaks through the year instead.

The problem is any time you mention this you’re met with a raft of unthought out opposition based on school not being childcare and putting children first, but the school calendar is structured around children needing to be off school to help with their families bring in the harvest so this is just bullshit.

Unfortunately I have found when you are having the hardest time, there will be the least amount of understanding given by people around you. Sending you a hug.

@TatianaBis

I can’t believe your workplace only gave 2 weeks notice that WFH was ending. What do they expect you to do about childcare?

She was supposed to be WFH, not doing childcare.

Could you put a case to your employer to request home-working on the grounds of your child having disabilities that require extra care?

It's your manager you should be reaching out to...AND your DP.

It must be really hard, OP.

1. Is it the long summer holiday that causes the problems mainly or is it year round? If it's the holiday, 3 weeks of childcare/clubs etc...and 3 weeks of being with parents is a good balance.

1. Are you doing your job due to it being a vocation/ professional passion or money or mixture of both? Try to work out your why. That might help you to decide if you could change jobs/ cut hours while children are young.

1. Do you think your children are content? Are you a good role model for them?

1. Do you make the most of holiday/ time off (so-called quality time)? I for one think i am a better parent in lots of ways when i work than when i didn't.

Don't know if that helps but hopefully it might a bit.

Agree OP. I'm a LP and despite friends being child free or having kids but partners, family nearby etc they've rarely responded when i've cried out for help even when i've offered payment :(. Sad really because in the end you just stop asking. Tough. I guess you kinda realise who your real friends are in these situations.

OP, I get it. I was going to leave teaching before I found out I was pregnant. I have stayed in teaching because trying to sort out holiday care just seemed insurmountable once DC was out of nursery. I have a DP who isn’t in education so gets much less holiday than me so I felt it all fell to me. We have no family nearby who can help so I stayed in teaching. (I don’t hate my job but really would like a more “regular Job”).

I know quite a few teachers who feel trapped in teaching because of childcare issues. I have no idea how many people afford holiday and wrap around care.

Firstly, you can't run around all day on two digestives - stop and eat something or you'll run yourself into the ground.

I agree with others - the setup/expectation in the UK is crap really. I have one preschooler, a flexible job, a DH with a flexible(ish) job, two cars and money to throw at things and it's still difficult. If you don't want to/can't downshift your work to make it more flexible, the only other option for future holidays is to start looking early for clubs etc - both of you - or some other holiday cover/care.

But yes, it's shit. Truly shit. I want to spend time with my daughter and make memories (bleurgh) but doing that while keeping one eye on the phone/email etc isn't easy really.

She was supposed to be WFH, not doing childcare.

No shit, but childcare arrangements have to change nonetheless and 2 weeks is v short notice.

@WimpoleHat

I agree with *@MrsSkylerWhite*. This is going to sound a bit harsh, but these people who don’t work/work part time generally do so in order to be able to have time with their own kids during the school holidays. And they/their families take a financial hit in order to do that.

This is crass, but basically it’s like this. You work to have money for your family - and this flip side is that you have less time. They don’t work and therefore have more time, but less money. Would you be willing, for example, to take unpaid leave to babysit for a friend? No - and they wouldn’t be reasonable to ask you to. Would you give them some of your wages if they were hard up? I’d assume not (again, bar a genuine emergency). So it’s not reasonable either to assume that you’re entitled to someone’s time just because they don’t work.

This

just another one saying i feel your pain. similar situation juggling my FT job and holiday club for dd, mixed in with days of annual leave and her chilling at home while i WFH. i dread summer tbh, it's stressful as hell and i get very depressed because my family and friends tend to go away and we never do this time of year (its a busy time for our jobs). the guilt is awful, i get that, but you're doing your best by your dc it sounds like. please be kind to yourself.

I just dread waking up tomorrow and doing it all again. I feel retchingly guilty that my dc does nothing in the summer except sit in an elderly relative living room or get driven to holiday clubs.

Have you said this to your DP and he still “doesn’t get it”? From what you’ve written, he needs to step up to save your health and sanity.

For example, so what if some random woman doesn’t drive? What matters is making your family function better without such an uneven load landing on you. If your DP learning to drive helps that and it surely will, then he needs to get on with it.

OP, please don't listen to the poster who "feels sorry for your children".

You and your dp have half the holidays off with them. That is much more than many families will get.
The rest of the time they're in clubs or with relatives. And that's absolutely fine. They are not wandering the streets, abandoned.

It's really difficult.
And more so for you than many - perfect storm of demanding job, inflexible employer, lack of choice in holiday clubs, non-driving husband with inflexible work.

If you do want suggestions to help for next year

• don't beat yourself up about it. You are doing fine and your kids will be fine
• ok so your husband can't drive, but what can he do so this mental load isn't yours alone? Has he looked into local holiday clubs he could walk/cycle/bus kids to? Can he work compressed hours for a few weeks to get an extra day here or there with them? Can he take over all the house stuff?
• summer au pair or nanny if you have the space? Or a local teen school leaver or student - can they come to the house and do wrap around for the clubs?
• can you wfh for part of the week in holiday time? Or compress your hours?

Is that what motherhood is? Feeling that everything that you thought you were good at is being slowly eroded by circumstance?

In answer to this question, for many women yes. Yes, it is.

You have a DP who won’t help, a child with extra needs, no local help. You want to excel at work, excel at home.

Until, as was said above, the world of work and family align, this will be how many people with unhelpful DPs feel. I don’t imagine anything will change much while your DC are young.

Something is going to have to give in your life, only you can decide.

The main reason I went part time when mine were little was so the holidays were easier to handle
It's very unfortunate that you have had to go back into the office at this particular time
I think some employers were worried about staff trying to work and look after children on the school holidays,which I suppose makes sense from their prospective
Mine went to holiday club for part of the holidays when older
But I got support from my parents,in-laws and my sisters

Imagine a world where the government actually acknowledged that this was a problem and set up state run , adequate, holiday and wraparound childcare provision for an affordable price. It probably wouldn’t be that difficult to do, even. If they gave a shit.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, OP.

I think your DH does need to do a bit more - appreciate it’s difficult with a business to run but nothing is ideal at the moment. Equally, holiday clubs and helpful relatives are a perfectly reasonable way to spend the summer. You’re doing your best.

Tbh, I’m pretty hacked off reading the number of comments suggesting you drop your hours or leave work on this thread. While it may seem a simple solution, there are lots of mums who would dearly love to work less but are the high earners in their families. If I worked less we couldn’t afford to pay the bills. (I earn double what my husband does). I think there’s a presumption that the family can in a pinch manage without mum’s wage, but that really isn’t true for everyone.

I never really know what “reaching out to people” actually means. Does it just mean contacting someone?