To feel jealous of people with neurotypical children?

[littlesm]

I'm not usually a bitter or jealous person but as my children are growing up I look at families with just neurotypical children (families I know well not just assuming) and can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is it just me?

Four pages in, and YAstillNBU! I hate that f**ing Holland piece, and the special parents thing, AND the 'God doesn't give you anything you can't handle", AND someone once said to me, "oh, but I bet you wouldn't change him for the world." I would change him in a heartbeat - not all of him, granted, but oh, to lift the veil that prevents him from understanding the world.

Yanbu. I love my dc but I sometimes wish they were able to do things they can't.

I often wish that what they enjoy doing wasn't socially unacceptable/3 times the price/only available on Sunday afternoons (eg my 15 year-old loves softplay and my 7 year old loves the sensory equipment that they often have in the under 2's section)

I always wish that the system wasn't so awful and it wasn't so hard to get dla/pip/ehcp/physio etc.

Not unreasonable. Some days it just hurts when the difference is so obvious. Dc will never drive, graduate, live independently...... I won't have those milestones to Mark

I'm literally feeling this right now. Moaning on a group chat about something my teen has done today and I just wanted some "oh mate that's shit" type comments but instead I'm getting loads of advice from people with NT children who don't understand I can't use normal parenting strategies

YANBU

I find those poems like 'Welcome to Holland' so patronising. Ffs, the flowers aren't different - My child will likely never be out of nappies at this point and doesn't understand a simple sentence of 'Look over there!' Or 'Get the shoes'

Infuriating to have people suggest I'm #blessed

Yes, I would change my lovely son if I could. Because his severely complex autism makes him profoundly disabled.

YANBU OP!!

YANBU. This thread has me sobbing for my little boy.

I'm an autistic single mum of an autistic 17 year old ds & while I love him to the end of the earth I wish that we were both neurotypical because of the struggles we have both suffered.

Totally with the other posters about Nativity plays - I cried through ds's year 1 one as he was so unresponsive and didn't join in, while the other kids enjoyed performing so much. Luckily year 2 was recorded and he was a bit better (because no applause). Then I thought we were done but now he is repeating the school year due to his delays so we get a second year 2 one this winter 😬He has asd and dyspraxia/language disorder and can't read and write much yet, I worry all the time about his future if he doesn't catch up.

No, it’s not just you OP. I’ve had the wobbles through nativity plays and many little life landmarks. I would love my DS to have friends and be in a mainstream class, just doing normal stuff. I once had a cry because I was talking to DH about how much I loved the Natural History museum as a kid and how we should take DS, and then realising that a day trip to London would be impossible and he would probably hate it anyway because his interests are so narrow.

There’s also the dread about the future. I don’t think my DS will ever be able to hold down a job and I’m scared shitless about him ending up in a home when I’m gone. I’d give anything for him to just be able to do the basic adult things as he gets older.

That Holland poem is so infuriating as well. If I got on a plane to Italy and ended up in Holland I’d be writing a strongly worded email to Booking.com and would expect a free hotel stay while they organised a complimentary flight to Italy.

Not saying I want to send my child back, just find it a stupid metaphor. She might as well have written ‘stop moaning about your child’s disability, just act happy.’

YANBU however I don't feel like this about my own DC. I have autism myself so maybe that's why? It's not a death sentence at the end of the day... it's just a different way of life. Look up welcome to Holland. It's very true.

@pineapplecat21

YANBU however I don't feel like this about my own DC. I have autism myself so maybe that's why? It's not a death sentence at the end of the day... it's just a different way of life. Look up welcome to Holland. It's very true.

Well it might be for you, but my child is non verbal, will never be independent, its very much a disability for him

Welcome to Holland is not very true. It may as well be entitled "suck it up, buttercup" and is the literary equivalent of a half-hearted pat on the head. It shuts down any conversation about the difficulties many carers face (and I view this thread as being primarily about the carers rather than the people they care for) because they should just make the best of it and gaze peacefully at some fucking tulips or ride a windmill or something.

Caring is hard. Having a disabled child is hard. There are joyful moments and a lot of love mixed in with it all but it is perfectly okay to hold your hands up and say "fuck, this shit is HARD" and to have other people tell you that they see you, they understand, and that they're going through it too and you're not alone.

I'd rather listen to those people than read an insipid story about Holland.

Why is it when parents of NT children start a thread about the hard parts of parenting, the downs, or the WTF!? moments they will have umpteen people chiming in, commiserating, sharing funny stories of their own, and back slapping all around but when parents of disabled children do it we get shut down because we're supposed to be saintly martyrs who never put our own thoughts and feelings first?

Fuck that shit. I'm a person before I'm a carer and my feelings matter too. Just because I feel the occasional pang for what might have been doesn't mean I don't accept and love them for who they actually are rather than who they might have been. A carer admitting they have struggles is not the same as them saying they hate disabled people.

YANBU at all!

I have one DC who is NT and my youngest who has ASD. They are 5 and a half but only have the language abilities of a 2-year-old, we still have lots of screaming and meltdowns and they can be violent at times. I love them to pieces and they are a gorgeous human being but if I could take away some of the ASD aspects I absolutely would.

I see other families with a youngest the same age and they are really enjoying the ‘coming out of the toddler stage’ bit and that new stage of family life with lovely holidays and days out.

Thankfully my child is nowhere near as severe as many other ASD children I see on parenting groups, although his language is delayed it’s developing and he has good self care skills eg using the toilet independently, getting dressed/undressed himself and so on. I had no idea ASD can mean nonverbal children, older kids in nappies etc until my own child was diagnosed and I joined groups. It’s so hard for so many.

OP, I can’t believe anyone would say YABU. What you feel is so normal.

You know, I think “Welcome to Holland” is such a mess because either the author got it wrong or people misunderstand it; I don’t know which. Beginning of poem, author says you planned to go on “a fabulous vacation trip” to Italy, but the plane lands in Holland. And she says, “And there you must stay.” Since she goes on to mention learning a new language, I assume the author gets it, but the very-not-twee point isn’t made as clear in the poem as it should be: some people get to go on a nice trip to Italy and some people end up trapped in Holland and can never, ever go home again. Their life is gone. Every hope and dream and relationship and even career attached to where they lived before Holland is either over or will have to be radically altered. I always assumed that’s why the author said the pain would never go away, because you didn’t get the wrong trip; she says “people come and go from Italy,” but you’re in Holland forever, cut off from your entire life before. Perhaps the author thought making that much clearer (besides the ways she did) was too dark. I suppose the too-twee part is only mentioning the tulips and not what I’ve just said.

YANBU

I wish my child was able to leave the house. I can’t see any windmills inside these 4 walls.

I'm not jealous of their children, I much prefer my own, but I am jealous of the fact that they don't have to be hyper vigilant and in crisis management mode 24/7.

OP you are not UR.
Bear in mind that many of the autistic adults who will turn on you and tell you that your are vile person are self diagnosed after doing a questionnaire online.
I will probably get flamed for this but in my experience its true.
I once had a woman berating me for something I said about my son. It wasn't insulting at all. When I asked her what she, a well off, white female graduate with a well paid job, self described 'super high functioning', had in common with my black autistic son with LDs who lives in the inner city, she shut her yap.

What ever anyone says, you are not alone.

For anyone who likes essays but would like something not Holland-related try Welcome to Beirut or Holland-schmolland (just ignore the dodgy bit at the end where she talks about the causes). They're still patronising but much less so.

I get it, somewhat. My child is neurotypical but both my dad and brother (and nephews) have autism. Mums dead. I sometimes wish for more neurotypical family members too. Although I acknowledge that raising neurodiverse children is a lot more difficult than the position I'm in. I just sometimes have a pang of jealousy when I hear how other peoples family respond to news like pregnancy, marriage or baby being born.

YANBU. I have two differently ND children and while they are not the most challenging I know, bloody hell my most of my friends with NT children have no fucking idea.

Yes I'm sure they have their struggles too but it's not the same. They are not stressing over their child perhaps struggling with living independently as an adult, or having zero friends, or not being able to grasp basic school learning, or spending days upon days trying to navigate complexities of SEN assessments, support, legalities etc etc etc.

We have the usual struggles ON TOP OF all this.

"In a different world perhaps it would always be a gift but with the way our society and world functions , it is definitely a hindrance on some occasions."

This sums it up very well. I love my kids and think they're brilliant, but the world is not set up for them, and that causes more problems than anything else.

The thing that's helped me most is having friends with ND children as well. They get it.

@toolazytothinkofausername

I wish there was a town just for people with Autism. We'd have a boarding school for children, and the children in the secondary school could walk around freely at the weekend to mix with the rest of the adult autism population.

We'd need 1 clothing shop, where the clothes would have no tags and the socks would be seamless.

There would never be any loud noises, like fireworks or ridiculously loud party music.

All our belongings would have our names on them, so if something was lost it could be returned to the person immediately.

I would hate this, and so would my DS, why wouldn't I want my child under the same roof as me at night?