To feel jealous of people with neurotypical children?

[littlesm]

I'm not usually a bitter or jealous person but as my children are growing up I look at families with just neurotypical children (families I know well not just assuming) and can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is it just me?

Yes, independence, freedom and speech are gifts that I feel guilty to have when my son has been cruelly denied all three.

My DS19 is severely autistic. It breaks my heart every time I see photos of friends' children of the same age going to proms, graduating from school, having fun with friends etc. My DS will never be able to live an independent life, he's non verbal and has the mental age of a 3-year-old who enjoys watching Bob the builder and Winnie the Pooh. He has no friends, he'll never have a family/partner of his own, and my biggest fear of all, when we're old and incapacitated and not able to take care of him any longer, he'll be taken to the institution where nobody would love him.
I have to tell myself off sternly that I wouldn't want the other people having the same issues with their chidren, but I do feel bitter, and so so sad for him.

YANBU. I have one who is NT, with her own challenges, and one autistic. They both have challenges, but they are different. I'm so worn down by the daily grind of it, and I do get jealous of those with NT children. I never imagined a life where I was having to shower my teen dd, or wipe her after the toilet, or have to hold her hand if we're out. It's mentally exhausting and I feel like crying a lot of the time

Yes, my 22 year old still shakes a rattle and has the mind of a baby. Heartbreaking doesn't even cover it.

@habibibibi my son hated medication when he tried it for two years (Ritalin for ADD) as he completely lost his appetite and felt suppressed, but he now gets frustrated with himself that he cannot remember things and follow instructions that go above one task at a time.

It's tough isn't it, if the difference could just disappear life would be easier!

YABU. In matters over which one has some control, envy can be helpful. For example, the envy of another's erudition might increase one's educational motivation. However, in matters outside of one's control, envy is absurd.

I'm sure that if you replaced your statement with one commonly applicable to non-disabled kids, you'd get significant push-back here. However, in this instance, you'll find support for your ableist perspective, since most posters share it.

Yes I feel it. I think my son is the best thing in the world but I hate how hard it is.
I hate spending my time sorting out appointments, fighting for support, arguing about the EHCP, finding childcare that works for him, endless reports, everything being restricted.
I know no one has a perfect time, but I wish I could spend my energy enjoying him instead of all the stuff that comes with it.

Not just you. I have two boys with ASD and it feels all consuming at times. DS1 is 22 but not capable of independent living or work beyond a bit of volunteering. He needs help managing money and officialdom and getting to appointments. He needs his meals shopped for and cooked, washing done etc. It is who he is and I love him to bits but I'd far rather he be NT and at uni or in a job, living with friends, travelling (outside covid), dating etc. His brother likewise, when I see others his age becoming so much more grown up and he still needs help in the toilet. And the nativity where he refused his costume and just sat in his seat rocking while the others were on stage singing and enjoying themselves. That was heartbreaking actually and people's staring and judgy reactions didn't exactly help. It is so so hard sometimes and wishing things could be different does not make you anti disabled people or a bad parent.

@Junipersky

I have an adult son who can't speak, a 12 year old who is undergoing ASD assessments and a little one with Down's Syndrome. People often ask me which experience has been harder, but I can't answer that as they are all so different. I have good days and bad days. At the moment I am really struggling with the fact I will never have a conversation with my 22 year old, even though I've never known any different. I love him as he is, but I miss him so much!!

Do you ever have dreams where, he talks? My eleven year old has severe autism and learning disabilities and is non verbal, i sometimes dream hes talking to me.

It’s not at all ablist to feel sorry for those who we love when they can’t do things that are so taken for granted by many. It’s not ablist to feel sad when you have to watch your child suffer because of their disabilities.

That would be like saying adults who struggle to come to terms with their disabilities are Ablist.

@PetuniaEvershot

I was really overcome by your worries of being older and your son being taken somewhere where nobody will love him. Please know there are wonderful carers and people out there who care for their clients, although I appreciate nobody can love your boy like you can.

@NotPersephone

No, you are not being unreasonable in the least. I can understand why you feel that way, though. If I listened to some of the absolute guff spouted by so-called autistic advocates, I’d feel the same - is it “disablist”of me not to clean every shit-smeared wall and take every call from the parent of a child DS has twatted, while singing the praises of ND children like Julie fucking Andrews up a mountain? Apparently so.

I find it so bizarre that the parents of neurodiverse children are suddenly supposed to become superhuman or they're ableist. I have an acquaintance who was diagnosed as autistic as an adult and her social media is 90% posts about being kind, how it's ok to feel overwhelmed/disappointed/etc, how we should all own our feelings and not feel ashamed. And then the other 10% is absolutely savage attacks on neurotypical parents who dare to express the slightest hint that they find life with a non-verbal, or violent, or severely physically disabled child hard.

YADNBU

My nephew has autism and is non verbal. My sister is beyond exhausted after 9 years. She loves him so much, and does so much for him, but it's not ableist to say you wish yours didn't have it.

My sister says she always hears things like "oh autism is a superpower" and she understands the meaning behind it, but she doesn't think much of it when he headbutts her in frustration or tries to smear his own faeces around his face. He can can write mathematical equations and is obsessed with space, but has never said mum or love you.

It's natural to feel those things, I hope you are able to take some time for yourself

Not just you. In another life my DC would be collecting exam results this week. Not important to me particularly but just a hard reminder of the difference and difficulties.

@Thenose I don't understand your post. You said if the OP's post was rewritten it would get a negative reaction, but if it is rewritten it's a different scenario?

Also how do you know the parents here are neurotypical?

@Junipersky

I have an adult son who can't speak, a 12 year old who is undergoing ASD assessments and a little one with Down's Syndrome. People often ask me which experience has been harder, but I can't answer that as they are all so different. I have good days and bad days. At the moment I am really struggling with the fact I will never have a conversation with my 22 year old, even though I've never known any different. I love him as he is, but I miss him so much!!

This post really moved me. I have nothing useful to say but I didn't want to just scroll by.

Ugh I had forgotten about ‘autism is a superpower.’ It seems to have fallen out of fashion now but a few years ago I was on a Facebook group where one mum constantly posted these types of things. As the mother of a reception aged autistic child who was still in nappies at the time and had just started to be verbal, I didn’t appreciate it.

Add to that ‘well at least YOUR child is high functioning.’ High functioning compared to what? Not compared to neurotypical children.

[quote Enough4me]@habibibibi my son hated medication when he tried it for two years (Ritalin for ADD) as he completely lost his appetite and felt suppressed, but he now gets frustrated with himself that he cannot remember things and follow instructions that go above one task at a time.

It's tough isn't it, if the difference could just disappear life would be easier![/quote]
Actually for us the worry is she likes it too much. History of eating disorders and the concerta or ritalin makes it VERY easy for her not to eat. So we have to balance it.

Yanbu
I have a ds with autism among other issues and children who are neurotypical. The nt kids are a breeze in comparison and though i worry about all my kids the worry about ds with ASD is a whole new level as well as managing all his obsessions and particular ways.
When he was little it was relentless and exhausting now he’s an adult it’s the long term planning.
I am jealous of people with NT kids and also those who have supportive families. My mum is awful and doesn’t bother with me or the children. Dh parents are dead but never bothered
It’s really unfair of me but I sometimes really resent hearing people complain about their kids because of my situation

No, it's not just you. But even NT children can have issues you can't see - eating disorders, MH problems, behavioural issues.

It’s “only special parents get given special children” and other similar bullshit that really gets to me. Especially as it adds to this idea we should just be super humans who get on with everything without a care in the world!

@Snowdrop30 yes of course other families have their own challenges. It doesn't make the challenges of parenting a ND child any easier, and it doesn't belittle what others may also be going through

I know - I have a ND child. It just helps me get things in perspective some days

This is something I'm finding really tough re my 6 year old at the moment. When I see my DC in 20 years time I see very different futures with them. I don't think about life with grown up children, I think about life with grown up children and one still dependent.

DD got called weird by a group in the park yesterday. She has zero concept but as a mum it broke my heart. It's just lots of things where she is obviously so different.

She is amazing but it definitely pangs at times