To feel jealous of people with neurotypical children?

[littlesm]

I'm not usually a bitter or jealous person but as my children are growing up I look at families with just neurotypical children (families I know well not just assuming) and can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is it just me?

My daughter has a mobility issue that doesn’t have a big impact on her now she’s taking A levels but had a big impact on her when she started school, she was definitely marginalised because of it and I alternated between grieving and (to be honest) white hot fury and resentment. I think you have to go through that stage because your child isn’t having the life you imagined and to an extent you can’t fix it.

We dealt with it as a family by shrugging and saying it is what it is plus some very politically incorrect humour (including her). I know that may not be possible in all circumstances but it was the way through for us.
She has taken a totally different path but she is so awesome and determined. I’m so proud of her.

[quote NotPersephone]@EmotionalSupportBear that meme is grossly offensive. Please do not “trot it out” to any SN parents unless you are very sure of your ground.

My autistic DS is a smearer. He hits, punches, kicks, bites and spits on me. His autism has ruined every little bit of my life and yet the relentless guilt that is motherhood means I keep clearing up the shit, literally and metaphorically. He punches people and then laughs.

A child like that is fucking hard to love, much harder than a NT kid, and I fail on many occasions. If that makes me a bigot, fine. Imo it’s better than being a sanctimonious arse like the person who wrote that meme.[/quote]
Jesus, this broke my heart. I am so sorry that this is your life at the moment. Do you have any help?

I’ve been envious from time to time of families with NT kids, seeing them go off on bike rides, seeing their kids invited to teenager parties, seeing how easily they manage social interactions. Seeing some become grandparents. I love my DS2, who is now 21, very much but the stress of everything having to be planned to the nth degree and every holiday or trip out having to suit him, having to battle with the LA and the constant worry about the future helped my marriage break down.

I absolutely hate ‘Welcome to Holland’ and the shock and hurt when I tell otherwise well meaning people that it’s not helpful can be awkward.

I have a very close group of 5 other mums with DC with very varying degrees of disability, but all now in their 20s. It helps us all to see that none of us have it easy, and that there are different challenges depending on their severity and different amounts of support available. We don’t play ‘disability top trumps’ with each other and are truly supportive. I hope that the OP and others on this thread can find similar friendships.

@NotPersephone. We have some similar experiences, I believe. I bought a spare showerhead for those mornings when the shower unit has been used as a bidet (and not rinsed). Spray the unit and hose with disinfectant. Leave that to do its work whilst I go for my morning juice. Return, spray and rinse thoroughly. If whatever was left is also on the showerhead, I change the showerhead, and leave the other in a bucket of soapy/disinfectant-strong water, until one of us (hubs or me) can face cleaning it. The spare showerhead means there's always a clean one.

I haven't seen said meme, so will no doubt now find it whilst reading other posts.

@EmotionalSupportBear: i'd like, just once, to say 'we're going out' and everyone just come with, without having to navigate through a hostage situation.

That resonates. When people say, "I wouldn't put up with that/wouldn't allow that", I wonder what they'd do, precisely. A strapping teen cannot be airlifted out of their bed and out of the house in the same way that a little toddler might be. When the autistic person is likely to lash out and cause damage to the building, or th eperson trying to support them, the options are limited.

I think the person with autism thing came about so the person isn’t being defined by their disability or condition. So like you’re no longer supposed to say ‘mentally ill person’ but ‘the person with the mental illness’ as it prioritises the person over the condition.

Doesn’t actually help much in terms of school support, funding for clubs and childcare, help with how to care for an autistic child etc. And realistically if you know the person well enough to talk about their condition (like you’re their doctor or their teacher or something) you probably don’t need to call them the person with autism. Just David or Hannah will probably do.

Language shapes attitudes and perceptions. We don’t say “person with autism”, because that makes autism sound like a disease. We say “autistic person” because it is a neutral descriptor. Talking about autism as if it is a disease leads people to treat autistic people as if we have a disease.

Language shapes attitudes and perceptions. We don’t say “person with autism”, because that makes autism sound like a disease. We say “autistic person” because it is a neutral descriptor. Talking about autism as if it is a disease leads people to treat autistic people as if we have a disease.

@mutationseagull That’s interesting, as I would actually have interpreted it the opposite way. If you say “autistic person” it sounds like you’re defining that person by their autism. Whereas “person with autism” sounds like they’re a person first and foremost, who also happens to have autism.

Sadly, we also met some horrid people who work with SEN children. Our DS was abused on the school transport a few years ago by the transport assistant. She was later banned from working with vulnerable people, due to the nasty, utterly vile things she said to our DS (I put a recording stick for a day in his bag and got proof). The way he regressed after travelling to school with that person, I will never forgive her for what she did.

That is dreadful, your poor DS

With all due respect, if you need to modify your language to remind yourself that an autistic person is a person, that’s a you problem. It goes without saying that an autistic person is a person. Animals and inanimate objects cannot be autistic.

When you describe someone as a tall person (or any other adjective), does that define them? No. You wouldn’t say “person with tall”. It isn’t a disease, or an accessory that can be removed. Same goes for autistic or any number of other adjectives/descriptors. None of them define us in their totality. However autism does define my neurotype and there is nothing wrong with that because autism is not inherently inferior or negative.

@NotPersephone:

Doodlebug71 that all makes total sense, but I’ve also seen an autistic person argue just as convincingly the other way, ie I am not “autistic”, it doesn’t define me, it’s something I “have” etc.

It's not something anyone has. It's what people are. We are autistic.

The amount of scrapping over semantics amongst grown women on these supposed advocacy sites is laughable. It’s also incredibly counter-productive.

Oh bollocks. It's not semantics. Language and words are powerful. We don't call homosexuals "people with homosexuality". They're homosexuals. Autistics are autistics. We're not "people with autism". We are autistic. We cannot change this. There is no cure. It's not a disease. We are born this way, and it does not change. Our needs may change (unlikely), but we will never be NT. We will always be ND.

@lllllllllll

Language shapes attitudes and perceptions. We don’t say “person with autism”, because that makes autism sound like a disease. We say “autistic person” because it is a neutral descriptor. Talking about autism as if it is a disease leads people to treat autistic people as if we have a disease.

@mutationseagull That’s interesting, as I would actually have interpreted it the opposite way. If you say “autistic person” it sounds like you’re defining that person by their autism. Whereas “person with autism” sounds like they’re a person first and foremost, who also happens to have autism.

Try "person with homosexuality". Go on. Doesn't work, does it? Try that with a homosexual person. "You're a person with homosexuality". Good luck with that.

@toolazytothinkofausername

I wish there was a town just for people with Autism. We'd have a boarding school for children, and the children in the secondary school could walk around freely at the weekend to mix with the rest of the adult autism population.

We'd need 1 clothing shop, where the clothes would have no tags and the socks would be seamless.

There would never be any loud noises, like fireworks or ridiculously loud party music.

All our belongings would have our names on them, so if something was lost it could be returned to the person immediately.

There is a town in Canada, Channel-Port aux Basques in Newfoundland.It is the most autism friendly place in Canada and I’ve watched a documentary or video about it on YouTube I think. It looks absolutely wonderful!

I haven't read the thread, sorry, but I'm autistic with autistic children and feel like this a lot. They are both very hard work and I do envy people with easy, cheerful, amiable children. I spend my life firefighting and it's exhausting.

DS has ADHD. I often think how much easier life would be for us all if he didn't have it. It just feels so unfair.

I wonder what it must be like to have children who listen and follow an instruction first time. Children who go to bed at a reasonable time and actually go to sleep. I think that maybe if he didn't have ADHD I'd be brave enough to take both children for a day out on my own rather than only going with another adult to help. I wonder if I'd have a better job, currently I'm very limited as he's too old for childcare but can't be trusted to get himself to school alone/ let himself in after school. I know OH and I would be less stressed- it really hasn't been good for our relationship.

@Doodlebug71
Surely it should be up to the person themselves how they choose to describe themselves? Or up to their family if they're not in a position to make that choice independently?
No, we don't tend to say a person with homosexuality. We do say 'John has dyslexia' as well as 'John's dyslexic'. Ditto dyspraxia. And I can't think of any other way to describe someone with ADHD apart from saying 'Mary has ADHD', for example. So person-first language is far from unusual when describing neurodiversity and I think it should be a personal choice. There's no need to shout others down.

Oh I just knew this thread would go this way.

Today 20:01 mutationseagull

Language shapes attitudes and perceptions. We don’t say “person with autism”, because that makes autism sound like a disease. We say “autistic person” because it is a neutral descriptor. Talking about autism as if it is a disease leads people to treat autistic people as if we have a disease.

YOU say ‘autistic person’. Not ‘we’. You don’t speak for all people with autism / autistic people. You don’t have the monopoly on how I can describe myself. I have autism.

mutationseagull
Also, I can guarantee that your children can sense your resentment and lack of acceptance for a fundamental part of them

What a cunty thing to say. You can’t guarantee any such thing. You don’t know whether the OP’s child has any such understanding. Perhaps instead the child has a deep sense of how much their parent loves them, hates to see them suffer and advocates tirelessly for them?

This is exactly why I don’t join groups for autistic people or seek support there. I have asd as does my son and you seem to be speaking for us, which you can’t, and for the OP’s child, who you don’t have the faintest idea about.

I asked my 15 year old who has autism whether he prefers to be called a person with autism or autistic. He said he would prefer it if people spent less time talking about the least offensive way of talking about autistic people and more time actually helping them. I think he has a point.

Autism affects everyone differently. Parenting a child with autism is very different to having a non caring relationship with someone with autism. Filling out dla forms, ehcp etc is so hard and I feel like I'm always fighting at least 3 battles at any time. Some people think when I moan about it this means I hate autistic people which couldn't be further from the truth.

@elliejjtiny your child has it so right. And would love their advice/opinion to let me and everyone know what they like!

YANBU
I love my autistic son, he really is an incredible person to know, but it has been exhausting getting the support he needs, all the nights without sleep, not being able to do many things that others take for granted. There is a huge list.

You aren’t alone. My son is now an adult but I feel the same. Especially family holidays. We’ve never had one, never will. It makes me sad.

Yanbu these school holidays has really hit home how lonely and isolated dd 9 is. Not one play date reciprocated despite me having numerous ones at our house! She used to have lots of FaceTime calls with her best friend but that has stopped, I think the friend has grown apart from my dd sadly. She really struggles with friendships and communication. I'm a single mum with limited family around and I'm terrified who would love and care for her if god forbid I wasn't around.

@elliejjtiny

I asked my 15 year old who has autism whether he prefers to be called a person with autism or autistic. He said he would prefer it if people spent less time talking about the least offensive way of talking about autistic people and more time actually helping them. I think he has a point.

Autism affects everyone differently. Parenting a child with autism is very different to having a non caring relationship with someone with autism. Filling out dla forms, ehcp etc is so hard and I feel like I'm always fighting at least 3 battles at any time. Some people think when I moan about it this means I hate autistic people which couldn't be further from the truth.

Aint that the truth My son has no concept that he is Autistic, has Autism etc, his main interests are water and spinning to music and blu tac, exactly what does he have in common with very articulate, high functioning people who think they can speak for him "as autism is autism"?

@x2boys exactly. I also have a 7 year old who is supposedly high functioning but has no understanding of what autism is or that he has it. He doesn't really have friends although he seems to enjoy the company of non verbal people. He likes spinning to music as well. He has very little in common with my articulate 15 year old. Then there are all the people who have autism with learning difficulties whose needs are completely different to either of my sons. Personally I think it was a bad idea to get rid of the term aspergers syndrome. I don't think it did anyone any favours.