To feel jealous of people with neurotypical children?

[littlesm]

I'm not usually a bitter or jealous person but as my children are growing up I look at families with just neurotypical children (families I know well not just assuming) and can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is it just me?

My eldest isn't NT, but holds a managerial position, it does impact on other areas beside from work, though. My youngest isn't NT, it's limited her options, but she's working. She would struggle to live independently. But both with support could have residency of their children. For those with children who won't do those things, I understand your POV.
When my youngest was diagnosed with moderate LD's I was devastated. I didn't know what it would mean.
My youngest has been the least trouble during the teenage years. She's calm, literal, doesn't like drama, doesn't gossip and gets on well in work because of her autistic traits. My eldest's energy levels and not needing to sleep, because of her ADHD has been an asset in adulthood. But I babysit a little non verbal autistic boy, who is wonderful, but again his life will be limited by his autism, but then so are many people's lives for various reasons.
I've had a rough ride with my middle NT DD and so do many others. There's no guarantee.

Not just you. A sadness that suffuses every day.

No, not just you 💐

Yanbu. My eldest is easy. Bog standard adorable Kevin the teenager type (at worst).
Youngest is festering in her room over summer and I've found out she's been removing blades from pencil sharpeners for heaven knows what. I'm torn between wanting to spend every moment with her to keep her safe and always wanting a break.

I think if anyone thinks YABU then they need to walk a while in your shoes.

My autistic DS is a delight and a joy to parent. He has difficulties but his sunny, joyful outlook make them not insurmountable. I feel privileged to have him as my child and wouldn't swap him for the world.

Now my (now adult) DD on the other hand ...

Yanbu, I'm neurodiverse and my life would be a whole lot easier if I was neurotypical. In a different world perhaps it would always be a gift but with the way our society and world functions , it is definitely a hindrance on some occasions.

@reader108

I know exactly what you mean. Have you read Welcome to Holland it’s a poem very well written. You need to celebrate the little steps.

I used to love "Welcome to Holland" until I had children who weren't NT. Then I recognised it for the patronising trot that it is.

I love the characters of my children, but the struggles that come with their conditions are hard to deal with.

It’s friendships, and other parents who judge my child for the ND things that she does. Try understanding, not judging.

I don't feel jealousy - I love DD2 (in the middle of the ASD diagnosis process but she already has a language disorder and dyspraxia) to bits, and she really has the most terrific personality going - I just feel anger when parents encourage their kids to exclude her and that the world isn't quite made with a DD2 shaped space in it... but she'll bulldoze her own hole regardless.

I know when we get the ASD confirmed it'll hit me badly for a short period - but I'm prepared for that as it's happened with every report we've had written over the years.

YANBU. I have DS1 with ADHD, anxiety and physical health conditions, DS2 with HF ASD and (probably NT) DD.
I am envious of those families who seem to negotiate life with no issues, but I know things aren't always what they seem.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.

I have 3 DC. My eldest is neuro diverse. Of my other two children, one is a typical kid - he has his moments. Most days in fact! But the other has been a dream since they were born. So easy going. Never had a tantrum. Just goes with the flow. If I had three like that, life would a doddle!

Parenting a neuro diverse kid is tough going. It’s like living with a bully you can’t escape. I often think that if my DH treated me like this I’d LTB. She’s awful to her siblings too, so I worry about the effect on them. And of course, it’s heartbreaking watching her go through life being so misunderstood.

I love her with all my heart and just want her to be happy. When I see how easy some of her peers have it it makes me sad for her and the life she might have had. Oh good days I wouldn’t change her, even if I could.

Yanbu.

@CakeandGo

Not unreasonable. My child is NT but has a health condition. Most days I look at other parents and feel jealous. Jealous that they (appear) to have no cares in the world. Sometimes even angry that this happened to my child and they’ll have to live with this condition their whole life. I even feel sorrow at the life they’ll never have.

I think all of these feelings are ok. I’m part of some support groups and it’s a good tool for me to see others whose lives are the same and how they cope.

This. We don’t have autism but a health condition for one of our children and some days I’m jealous / angry / sad that our family has to deal with all of this while others can have a spontaneous and care free life.

I bloody hate Welcome To Holland. No offence to anyone who does find it helpful but personally I found it to be twee and patronising. No one gets the child they dreamt of, no one at all, because that's just how it is so everyone ends up in Holland regardless however having a disabled child bumps it to a whole new level. You don't get to Holland. You don't even get to go the airport a lot of the time because its not designed for families like yours. Holland is very often a distant dream and, frankly, can fuck right off.

YANBU

I adore my boys. But they’re hard work and I worry constantly about the future for them.

My Ds has ARFID and will probably turn out to have ASD down the line, as do I.
I hate dealing with his difficulties. You can't take a break from feeding your child - the responsibility weighs on me heavily.

It doesn't matter if your ND child is lovely, or is a joy to be in your life. Wanting something different for them, and for you, is normal.

When every waking moment is about them, their struggles, your struggles, the fight for accessing services, countless appointments, assessments, judgements, juggling yours and other children's needs, work, life, money etc etc no one. None of this makes them any less lovable, likeable or wanted. It just means life is tough for you all on a daily basis.

Sure for some people its easier, they might have more money, more support, fewer issues, fewer disabilities just like for some people life is harder. But, for the most part, we are conditioned to say the right things. 'Yes thanks we are fine', 'oh no I can manage', 'don't worry, I don't mind'......

When we get pregnant we think of all the things our children will do. And they never include not be able to walk, talk, communicate, join in, have friends, live alone, go to university, go to the bathroom without a meltdown, panic because their red coat is in the wash and the million other things that people with a ND child face on a daily basis.

You are allowed to express sadness about what might have been, anger at the lack of resources, tears from sheer exhaustion. None of this means anything in terms of your child. It just means you are knackered and in need of a break. You are allowed to feel jealous about how bloody lucky others are that they can just get up in the morning and decide what to do, or that they can leave the house and be spontaneous.

You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel or think some of these things some of the time. You are amazing.

Of course yanbu. I sometimes feel jealous of my own kids for my little boy! It’s not because I don’t love him and who he is, I feel sad because things that are easy for others will be difficult for him. It’s hard. When I see my other 3 kids joining clubs, making friends easily, achieving all their learning goals, everything like that it’s hard.

I had an emotional moment the other day realising that dd5 is basically at the same level as ds who is nearly 8 now because his writing and reading is quite behind. It’s upsetting knowing your child will struggle when others seem to have it easier.

No, I wouldn't swap dd for the world but I do get sad and sometimes angry that life is harder for her than it is for her peers.

both my teenagers are Autistic.
I would not change them for the world. but I'd change the World for them. It's a long hard road, being neurodiverse in an NT world.

YANBU. I know I would really struggle.

Definitely not unreasonable, I feel the same. Just finished arranging his taxi transport to school.

It's swings and roundabouts, (high functioning) asd is harder at some points of life than others, my autistic dd was actually easier at 15-18 than my neurotypical dd who was dating men, going to parties to all hours etc. Now as adults dd1 still lives with me and needs support whereas dd2 has flown the nest