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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Choosing vanilla options, AIBU

167 replies

TulipTuloo · 10/08/2021 19:17

Twice in the last two days I've asked my family (DH, three early teenage children) to choose me a menu option as I was unable to choose for myself (either I was driving/parking or outside holding bags). First instance : ice cream shop with EVERY. FLAVOUR. UNDER. THE. SUN and then some. Lotus, biscoffi, bounty flavour, key lime pie, ferroro rocher, honeycomb, were some of the ones I commented on from the menu I could see. They came out with bog standard chocolate (could have bought chocolate ice cream in the spar shop). Then again this evening, Italian restaurant takeaway. They had various pizzas, some seafood risotto things, guess what? They came home with a tomato and mozzarella dish for me: which was LITERALLY 6 slices of a tomato and four slices of mozzarella. I was obviously dismayed and DH said "yes, yours was the cheapest now I come to think about it", yeah because its clearly a side dish?!? AIBU to be annoyed that they repeatedly choose the most vanilla options possible?! I have no eating disorders or allergies or anything stopping me from trying new things. My personality is reasonably out there, but this is so typical of what they choose for me (don't ask about birthday presents please, because that's even worse).

OP posts:

coastalimpact · 10/08/2021 21:08

I think YABU because I don't understand why you wouldn't say something eg if I was waiting outside the ice cream shop I'd have mentioned a few flavours I liked or asked them to come out and tell me what was available. And I'd have asked them to text me from the takeaway or looked up the menu online. I think they were unreasonable in choosing boring things for you, but if they're always like that then you need to be more outspoken about what you want.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 10/08/2021 21:09

You need to say “get me something cool” or “get me a an interesting surprise flavour” or something like that. That’s what I do.. or if I want like tomato and mozzarella or a chocolate ice cream I ask for “something classic”

idontlikealdi · 10/08/2021 21:14

Why on earth wouldn't you chose what you want!?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 10/08/2021 21:19

I would have made (D)H swap and eat the tomato and mozzarella thing himself as that sounds dire. If he thought it was a good choice, he could enjoy it instead of me and I'd have a proper meal, ta very much. Maybe a few rounds of that would get him to put more thought into his choices for you. I agree that it's just not thinking about you and your likes and dislikes. He must know them, you have teenage kids!

On the birthday present thing, I would start making Amazon wish lists or similar and saying they can surprise you by picking from that, but NOT to go off list under any circumstances.

LovePoppy · 10/08/2021 21:23

I’m now wondering if your family was trying to out passive aggressive you.

tigger1001 · 10/08/2021 21:23

@dryasaboner

I thought this was going to be about something far more interesting....

I have to say I did wonder when I saw the title 😂🙈

Then had to laugh when not only were they talking about vanilla food choices one of these "vanilla" choices was chocolate ice cream 🙈

samyeagar · 10/08/2021 21:29

While I can somewhat understand where some posters are coming from with this possibly being more about her husband not really knowing her...

The flip side to that is, while yes, I know my wife very well, know what she likes and dislikes, I don't have any way of knowing what she is in the mood for at that particular moment unless she tells me. She loves lemon, she loves chocolate, she loves key lime, she loves raspberry, but at any given time, she is almost certain to look at at least one of those flavours and say no, that just doesn't sound good right now.

Iwantahippopotamusforchristmas · 10/08/2021 21:30

Read to find they kept giving you vanilla stuff. They didn’t. Open your mouth. Or text or something and say what you want, you know.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 10/08/2021 21:39

I'd be very disappointed.

My ex would have ordered the same pizza as he was having because that's easiest but that would be fine with me because I'm very flexible and would take any pineapple off if he picked a Hawaiian. He'd also do the same with the ice cream but he's the type to choose vanilla where as I wouldn't.

My teens would be able to guess my pizza and ice cream orders. Even my dozy 14yo would remember what kind of ice cream he saw me eat last time we were in a restaurant.

I don't understand why you didn't ask for the same as your h or say something in the right ballpark like "something I've probably never tried before" or "something sorbet like" Why didn't you ask for Bueno or Bounty if that floats your boat?

MargaretThursday · 10/08/2021 21:39

@samyeagar

While I can somewhat understand where some posters are coming from with this possibly being more about her husband not really knowing her...

I agree with this.

When we go out for a meal as a family I can tell you by looking at the menu what my family will probably choose.
Dh-steak pie
Dd1-all day breakfast
dd2-ham, egg and chips
Ds-burger

Those would be the safe options. That's what I would choose if I had to order for them.
BUT we always ask for the menu, and sometimes there will be something else that one person wants. We went out at the weekend and dd1 had fish and chips for example.

But unless she had said beforehand I wouldn't know that she fancied fish and chips that day, and I'd be pretty put out if she looked at the all day breakfast she normally gets and said "that's a bit boring".

tigger1001 · 10/08/2021 21:43

@samyeagar

While I can somewhat understand where some posters are coming from with this possibly being more about her husband not really knowing her...

Totally agree with this!

My partner knows me well but was surprised by my ice cream order last week as thought there were other things I would have preferred and on another day he would have been right. But last week it was cherry and passion fruit sorbet. Delicious it was too! But I very much doubt that would have been what I got if he had went into the shop alone.

xksismybestletter · 10/08/2021 21:50

If you care you need to choose.

Dh doesn't really care and he is always at least ok, if not happy with what I choose him in that situation.

I know I am a hard taskmaster, I like to see the whole menu and choose something. He might and would get it wrong. If I really can't go in or CBA I would say a preference - like caramel, but I would accept what I got with thanks (happened yesterday actually and I got a white magnum.)

But I don't make a fight about it. If they always get you the wrong thing why did you let that situation arise - not once but twice??

atlastifoundit · 10/08/2021 21:50

As a family we are often scattered about for meals and occasionally one of us will go to the shop and buy a selection of ready meals so they can be eaten whenever one of us arrives home.

Every single time. Every time DH or DD will get me either some tomato and cheese pasta thing, or butter chicken. Every time. I don't like either, but somehow both of them are convinced that I do.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHaands · 10/08/2021 21:59

Oh. I thought this was about sex

therocinante · 10/08/2021 22:06

YABU a bit OP, sorry! DH knows what I like pretty well, I'd trust him to choose a 'safe' option for me every time - which the chocolate ice cream is a good example of, I think - but not necessarily what I was craving if you get me?

I give direction - "Get me something fruity", "Can I please have something seafoody?". If I don't, he goes for my safe options (depending on where he is: margarita pizza, chicken fried rice, pad thai, Fanta Fruit Twist, a Double Decker or beef Hula Hoops. I'm a woman of simple tastes).

spongedod · 10/08/2021 22:12

Do you enjoy playing the martyr?

Wonderbox · 10/08/2021 22:12

@ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHaands

Oh. I thought this was about sex

I thought so initially too. I was imagining the OP doing some form of OLD where you staved off potential later shocks by saying upfront on some kind of tick box that you liked missionary and a bit of polite spanking, but not extreme bondage, water sports and dressing up as an octopus.

Dangermouse80 · 10/08/2021 22:13

Choose yourself otherwise they go with the safe option!!! It is not difficult to make your own choice the options would be pretty standard!!

HaveringWavering · 10/08/2021 22:15

YANBU. If my husband gave me free rein to choose for him I would think very hard about what he would love/find interesting because I know his tastes and love showing how much I love him through food. This was not a stranger choosing for you, it was your nearest and dearest. YANBU at all to be disappointed in their lack of thought and effort.

Lcachu · 10/08/2021 22:19

@RainbowZebraWarrior Right?! There are actual real life struggles happening to people.

My sister is currently in and out of hospital having chemotherapy for her terminal cancer and juggling going into work for her full-time job whilst coming home and then looking after 3 children...all whilst Covid lingers in the background.

And this OP is complaining about chocolate ice-cream. CHOCOLATE SODDING ICE-CREAM? Can we get a grip on reality please? This is the kind of thing that would upset my 5 year old nephew.

This OP must be a troll. This is not a real problem that needs MN's advice!

StrawberryPuff · 10/08/2021 22:34

I thought this was going to be about sex/

BeefSupreme · 10/08/2021 22:36

I haven’t been on MN in months. I’d almost forgotten that some people have really weird life problems

blueshoes · 10/08/2021 22:37

This would upset me, first world problem or not.

Sorry for your difficulties rainbow and Lcachu. You have the option the hide this thread.

Birminghambloke · 10/08/2021 22:54

Why didn’t you say “Oh I like the sound of the Nutella or Key Lime please.” Or, “I’ll pop in and choose mine after you.”
I’m very selective about what I eat (fussy!) and will make sure the person ordering knows my desired item with its omissions.
People aren’t mind readers.

If you’re wishing or hoping for people to ‘know’ you more, communicate more. All of my family give gift clues or lists with links. I’ll happily have a similar surprise, but they have a clear idea of what I like.

Kanaloa · 10/08/2021 22:55

But why would anyone need to ‘guess’ your food order? It’s perplexing to me, if my family are having a takeaway we say ‘I want a burger’ or ‘I want a veggie pizza.’ I don’t look at my DH over the top of the newspaper and say ‘what do I want? GUESS’ and then complain when I don’t get what I want. That would be daft. You get what you want by saying what you want.

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