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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
Turnitoffandon · 10/08/2021 17:31

Hmmm. A gathering is a nice idea. Christmas parties happen before Christmas day, after all. But I think not having the lovely little bundle there (congratulations, btw!) as ocular proof and something tangible to hold /play with / fuss over / feel aligned to as a relative means that I agree this might be perceived as a bit odd. Also, you're the mum who holds the baby within her so you have a internal and external connection with everyone, baby included. To everyone else, I would imagine it's sort of not about the baby unless the baby is there - I suppose I'm back to ocular proof again.
But then baby showers are a thing.
How busy is our wider family, OP? Certainly mine would have to move things around or give up precious solitary time or battle inner anti-social demons to attend something like this, so I probably wouldn't expect that of them, even after the birth, but then your family might be much more up-for-any-party, in which case i feel for you Flowers

GoWalkabout · 10/08/2021 17:31

Be as excited and proud as you like about your new arrival, sounds like family will rain on your parade but you can choose the sunny side of the street. There's a beautiful load of hormones going on for you as you get ready and if you are anything like me they will lead you to go to the moon and back for your little one. Its healthy, its normal and you will look back fondly on this time. Do prepare yourself for the challenges ahead, you won't be able to control everything but you will be ok and you will get through. Take care

FictionalCharacter · 10/08/2021 17:32

They were tactless, but it’s a really odd idea, sorry. “Welcome baby” cards and banners are for when the baby has arrived.

sloutside · 10/08/2021 17:32

Preparing the other children and letting them ask questions is really weird.
The baby is going to be their cousin or whatever - why do they need to ask questions and be prepared?? It would be different if they were siblings living in the same house as the new baby.

The whole idea is a bit OTT and bonkers to be honest.

thelionqwueen · 10/08/2021 17:32

This is so odd. Confused Making albums and cards. Why would they want albums? And they don’t need ’preparing’, you’re having a baby not giving birth to Jesus Christ Superstar.

melmos · 10/08/2021 17:34

OP I think it's a really sweet idea!

blameitonthecaffeine · 10/08/2021 17:34

How unkind of them. It doesn't matter whether it's unusual or not, it's clearly well intentioned and a nice thing for the children from their excited auntie. This is your family; they should be kind and certainly shouldn't laugh at you. I think this is a much nicer, more generous idea than a baby shower.

SeaWitchly · 10/08/2021 17:35

Are you always a bit 'me me me' OP? This smacks of PFB behaviour tbh. Why on earth do the kids in the family need preparation to meet your baby? Will he/she be a member of the royal family?

sabbii · 10/08/2021 17:35

why could you not just call it a kids garden party - there is no need in life to over-complicate things. the way you worded just came across as weird

floatingon · 10/08/2021 17:35

I would find it a little bit odd

Jobsharenightmare · 10/08/2021 17:36

Baby showers are usually thrown for the pregnant lady and a way to make her feel special and enjoy the last few weeks before becoming a mum for the first time. I wouldn't expect to go to something that is for the baby - crafting and photos etc, hosted by the mum to be. Wouldn't have been rude about it though.

Could it be someone is actually hosting one for you OP and they don't want to ruin the surprise?

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2021 17:36

. This is your family; they should be kind and certainly shouldn't laugh at you. I think this is a much nicer, more generous idea than a baby shower.

Totally.

Leave the unkindness to this thread.

LIZS · 10/08/2021 17:37

Why do the kids need "preparing" ? Have they not already got siblings/cousins?

EishetChayil · 10/08/2021 17:38

That does sound a bit much

MzHz · 10/08/2021 17:38

@LilBristow

It wasn’t just for baby, it was to help prepare the other kids, I’m not sure if they’re even aware I’m pregnant or if they are that birth I’d very soon
Other people’s kids won’t care about someone else having a baby

With kindness, you’re being a tad ridiculous

LibbyL92 · 10/08/2021 17:38

I’ll be honest, I don’t even agree with baby showers. So I have to side with your family on this one.

Wait until baby is here and then have the party.

thelionqwueen · 10/08/2021 17:39

it’s just a garden party for summer and so I can get some nice photos!

It is still all about you though. So that YOU can get some nice photos.

Rexthesnail · 10/08/2021 17:39

*load

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2021 17:39

Are you always a bit 'me me me' OP?

😁😁😁 seriously @SeaWitchly ? Does your smile ever reach your eyes?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 10/08/2021 17:40

At a push I think that the only questions that you might be asked is the name of the baby and if it's a unisex name then whether it's a boy or girl.
Enjoy the family party (which is a fab idea) but don't do the whole teddy, craft and photo thing. If you're lucky you might receive some crafts after baby is born from the kids who enjoy that sort of thing but the padding pool and water guns will probably appeal more on the day.

MzHz · 10/08/2021 17:40

I know older generations have superstitions not to even give gifts to parents whose baby hasn’t arrived yet

LolaSmiles · 10/08/2021 17:40

Oh give over the kids will do the crafts for about 30 seconds and then be in the pool and messing around. We all know that.
Do we though. It sounds awfully like the intent of the event was them making cards, the kids being props for photos, holding various banners, being prepared for baby's arrival. I can understand why family members might think those things would be pushed.

There's absolutely no need to have a staged event and pretending it's for the benefit of other children in the family. There's something slightly performative and staged about the whole thing.

A family get together before the baby because it's nice to see family would be lovely. People would talk about the impending arrival and it would be good fun for everyone. No need for all the props.

Rexthesnail · 10/08/2021 17:40

@thelionqwueen

This is so odd. Confused Making albums and cards. Why would they want albums? And they don’t need ’preparing’, you’re having a baby not giving birth to Jesus Christ Superstar.
Grin brilliant had me laughing
CustardyCreams · 10/08/2021 17:40

I feel sorry for you as you just wanted to do something nice. It’s not like you asked them all to dance naked at midnight and recite weird Druidic blessings. Just a party with a them, ffs.

I think it is that contrived middle-class nonchalance, or sour grapes where they can’t possibly allow someone else to be excited about a big event in their life.

You know what, if your post had started “so in the past, I’ve had lots of losses and struggled to conceive…” or the post started “my first partner died and thought I’d never ever become a mum….” Then you’d probably have got everyone saying how amazing it is that you have a rainbow baby and how tiresome and mean of your family not to rejoice with you.

I’m sorry people are being so negative, and wish you a lovely birth. Hope the miserable sods in your family bother to be nice once the baby arrives.

Lcachu · 10/08/2021 17:41

@AllTheSingleLadiess

I'm also under the impression that Baby Showers are about the women in the mum to be's life supporting and celebrating her rather than the baby specifically.
Are they?

To me they always seemed to be about taking pretty pictures for Instagram. Receiving presents, getting attention and playing pointless children's party games.

I'm in my 30's and pregnant and I wouldn't dream of having a baby shower. I haven't enjoyed one single one. They are a very narcissistic concept IMO.

I don't understand why people would need a party to know who their support group are. I know who my siblings, mother and close friends are...