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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
BillyIsMyBunny · 10/08/2021 17:17

Having a party and getting the family together is a nice idea but I wouldn’t make it about the baby. Making ‘welcome baby’ cards or taking photos with babies/ teddies sounds over the top; what if something goes wrong? I don’t think it is sensible to have the children start celebrating and making cards before baby has even arrived safely.

I’m also assuming the other children in the family will be cousins of your baby so I don’t really know how much ‘preparing’ they need in advance. Honestly, how many questions do you really think they’ll have, presumably you’re not the first person to have a baby any of them have encountered!? I think it’s best to wait until the baby has arrived and you know all is well before you start trying to build bonds between your baby and his/ her cousins.

Honestly, save the card making, banners, photos, teddies and memory books until after the baby is born; it will be far more meaningful to the children and to your own DC when s/he looks back and is in the actual photos.

PatchworkElmer · 10/08/2021 17:18

The party is a nice idea, but I’m not sure why you need to prepare the other children?

Choice4567 · 10/08/2021 17:18

What questions would the children have that their own parents wouldn’t be able to answer? I don’t think they’ll want to do the ‘garden party’ now as if it was me I’d assume you were covering with that and then when I arrived it would actually be all about the baby

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 10/08/2021 17:18

@OaxacaChihuahua

Also I forgot that on mumsnet it’s normal to pretend that LITERALLY NO-ONE has even a passing interest in your UTTERLY TEDIOUS BABY and that if you’re stupid enough to think that a close family member might care even a tiny bit about this monumentally boring event you deserve ridicule and loathing.
Yup.
TheGumption · 10/08/2021 17:19

Kindly, the kids probably don't care unless they're super into babies. They don't need to be prepared unless an impending baby is a sibling. My kids would be confused by a "baby party" with no baby but they'd probably come along for the food....

LolaSmiles · 10/08/2021 17:19

So It's sunny, you want to have a little fun party for the family kiddos - you're excited about the baby - Making cards etc. And let's face it the kids will have a blast whatever it's for, even though they might not have a clue what's going on.

I don't think the replies had been the same if the OP was:
I'd really like to spend some time with my family before baby arrives so have invited them all to a garden get together.

What the OP has proposed isn't for the existing family children. It's for her and an unborn baby, and the family children were being expected to take part in celebration photos for someone who hasn't been born yet, write cards to a baby that hasn't been born etc. That's what people are objecting to.

MyDogIsCool · 10/08/2021 17:20

The only question my nephew had was "when you have my baby cousin, if it's a girl, can you call it Richard" then we carried on playing football... think that answers the questions from kids thing GrinGrin
Lovely idea to have a family gathering though, especially after the last 12-18 months Smile

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/08/2021 17:21

I try to not be 'woo-woo' about things, but the one thing I can't do is celebrate a baby before it's here safely. Even if it isn't mine, it feels so very, very wrong and if something happened, I'd feel guilty for participating despite knowing logically that it had absolutely nothing to do with the outcome.

My ExMIL and mother both seemed to understand this implicitly without being told. It was the ExSIL who had to be wound in, which she apparently was on several occasions without my knowledge. I don't know the full details as I separated from the ex before SIL got married, but I do know that for whatever reason (and I really hope it wasn't experience), she didn't do it at any point for her subsequent children.

People don't want to say the reasons for their reluctance. But there's a good chance it's for similar reasons.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 10/08/2021 17:21

Was hoping to hear more about why the children need preparing for the baby's arrival? If it's your first, surely it's a done deal and none of the kids are jealous, threatened etc ?

gwenneh · 10/08/2021 17:22

...the family children were being expected to take part in celebration photos for someone who hasn't been born yet, write cards to a baby that hasn't been born etc.

Having cards and photos from the other DC in the family is a lovely thing -- IF they have done it spontaneously on their own.

Not when corralled into doing it at a garden party.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2021 17:23

Your Grandma sounds like she was tactfully trying to say baby’s not safely here yet without spelling it out to upset you. Auntie again sounds like a made up excuse to spare your feelings. They may have had a stillbirth or known friends who did.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 10/08/2021 17:23

Your extended family are rude by telling you what they really think but until recently it was considered bad luck (in England) to celebrate the baby until they were born. I have teens and Baby Showers were only seen on US TV shows when they were babies.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2021 17:24

@LolaSmiles

What the OP has proposed isn't for the existing family children. It's for her and an unborn baby, and the family children were being expected to take part in celebration photos for someone who hasn't been born yet, write cards to a baby that hasn't been born etc. That's what people are objecting to.

Oh give over the kids will do the crafts for about 30 seconds and then be in the pool and messing around. We all know that.

Lumpwoody · 10/08/2021 17:25

I had a late loss and the thought that there might have been welcome baby cards and that other people might have had had photo albums to welcome my baby that didn’t make it makes me feel really Uncomfortable.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 10/08/2021 17:26

I'm also under the impression that Baby Showers are about the women in the mum to be's life supporting and celebrating her rather than the baby specifically.

Imnewhere1991 · 10/08/2021 17:26

Why not just invite them over for the day just because?

A party for s baby that isn't here yet, unless it's a baby shower (did you have one?)is odd and I'm not being mean, but I'd rather wait until baby is here safe and sound before having a party.

TheWitchCirce · 10/08/2021 17:27

I also think the original idea was really odd. What kind of questions were you expecting the other children to have? Unfortunately I fear that the lovely garden party (which is a great idea) will always be seen through the lens of the original bizarre concept.
I think you will look back on this and blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

beigebrownblue · 10/08/2021 17:27

I wouldn't. I really really wouldn't. You don't know how the birth is going to go so i would just focus on that.

Plenty of opportunity afterwards when you are ready.
if it is your first you have no idea how you are going to feel.
It's a major life change.

Lovemusic33 · 10/08/2021 17:27

Why do other kids need to be prepared? They are probably not that bothered that they are getting a new cousin/niece/nephew?

Why not just call it a baby shower? Or a family bbq?

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2021 17:28

Also I forgot that on mumsnet it’s normal to pretend that LITERALLY NO-ONE has even a passing interest in your UTTERLY TEDIOUS BABY and that if you’re stupid enough to think that a close family member might care even a tiny bit about this monumentally boring event you deserve ridicule and loathing.

Yep

Imnewhere1991 · 10/08/2021 17:29

Also , just to warn you, people will ALWAYS express an opinion when baby is here...about everything from feeding to working/SAHM. And thst will include strangers too. They're the worst.

Rexthesnail · 10/08/2021 17:30

Team laughing Auntie here! It's a pretty ridiculous idea. It just seems like you want a loaf of attention so you're throwing a "give me attention party"

FrownedUpon · 10/08/2021 17:30

You’re being weird. Why does anyone need preparing for the arrival of your baby. I’m not surprised they’re not keen. Just wait for the baby to safely come.

54321nought · 10/08/2021 17:31

I would not attend an event described like this, even if it had since been rebranded, and I would not want my children to either.

I am not superstitious, but no way would I celebrate the arrival of a baby prematurely. I don't believe it would be "tempting fate" but it would certainly feel like that.

Not to mention the confusion it would cause all the cousins if something did go wrong.

Other children have no interest or questions in your baby. The will be assuming that it will grow and arrive safely. If it doesn't, they will absorb that information and cope. But if they have already celebrated it and welcomed it, that is just going to be super weird and confusing for them, and have long term impacts.

I think just drop the idea altogether.

Invite the other children to meet the baby when the baby is actually here

BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 10/08/2021 17:31

It’s different that’s for sure and I seriously doubt if the other kids will ask any questions but if go ahead and invite people yourself.

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