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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 11/08/2021 11:31

That's what she said. That was her motivation.

Chocolate you're just gushing with empathy.

sunglassesonthetable · 11/08/2021 11:34

@sunglassesonthetable Well I did read through the entire thread before I posted and I noticed you seem rather, er, over-zealous and over-invested in defending the OP, and very prolifically so.

Like I said, you've seen right through me. @ChocolateTelegram.

sunglassesonthetable · 11/08/2021 11:34

😁🙄

AppleJane · 11/08/2021 11:34

[quote ChocolateTelegram]@sunglassesonthetable Well I did read through the entire thread before I posted and I noticed you seem rather, er, over-zealous and over-invested in defending the OP, and very prolifically so.[/quote]

A number of us are because we are disgusted by your behaviour and the behaviour of others aimed at a heavily pregnant single woman. Some of us remember what that's like. Sick of all this 'self indulgent' nonsense. Why can't someone have some joy fgs?

OaxacaChihuahua · 11/08/2021 11:36

Find it so weird when people are like ‘oh no, I won’t do anything until the baby is safely here, just in case’.

Do these people realise they’re basically saying ‘have you considered that your baby might still die?’ Are they completely oblivious to how absolutely awful a thing that is to say or imply to an expecting woman?!

And do they honestly think that if (god forbid) something did happen to the baby, it would be any comfort at all to the grieving mother that she hadn’t had a party while pregnant? Like she’s going to think ‘well thank fuck I didn’t have a garden party or I’d really be sad now’.

Honestly people are thoughtless beyond belief sometimes.

ChocolateTelegram · 11/08/2021 11:38

@AppleJane Really, how is not being gullible and stating that she is after (by her own admission) Instagram/Influencer type photos with other people as props 'bad behaviour'? I would suggest that using relatives and children as props is bad behaviour.

Lumpwoody · 11/08/2021 11:39

@OaxacaChihuahua

Find it so weird when people are like ‘oh no, I won’t do anything until the baby is safely here, just in case’.

Do these people realise they’re basically saying ‘have you considered that your baby might still die?’ Are they completely oblivious to how absolutely awful a thing that is to say or imply to an expecting woman?!

And do they honestly think that if (god forbid) something did happen to the baby, it would be any comfort at all to the grieving mother that she hadn’t had a party while pregnant? Like she’s going to think ‘well thank fuck I didn’t have a garden party or I’d really be sad now’.

Honestly people are thoughtless beyond belief sometimes.

For me, I had a late loss and when I read the op I was thinking how awful it would’ve been for me to know that other family members had photo albums of a “welcome baby” day when my baby wasn’t here.

It wasn’t about the party as such (although I do think having a party to prepare other children in the wider family is a bit odd.) but that there would be a memento of that day somewhere that someone else had when my baby didn’t make it.

OaxacaChihuahua · 11/08/2021 11:42

[quote ChocolateTelegram]@AppleJane Really, how is not being gullible and stating that she is after (by her own admission) Instagram/Influencer type photos with other people as props 'bad behaviour'? I would suggest that using relatives and children as props is bad behaviour.[/quote]
You’ve completely invented this Instagram / influencer angle you keep pushing. OP doesn’t mention social media anywhere, or give any indication she wants to post photos online. She only mentioned making photo books for the family. I’ve never posted even one photo of my baby on social media but I’ve made photo books for family members (who, contrary to mumsnet ethos, are actually interested in my baby).

You have a bee in your bonnet over something you’ve fabricated yourself. You don’t need to be this agitated over something that isn’t real. Just take a deep breath and let it go.

motherofassholes · 11/08/2021 11:43

I can see why you're hurt. Call it a baby shower and invite everyone, and do exactly the same things.
"Baby shower, for adults and children".
Your family sound mean.

I think the way you worded it is just confusing. Which is fine. Nobody is perfect. The confusing bit for me is that the kids likely won't have any questions at all. What is there to ask? There's a baby coming, that's great! The only thing they will really ask is when, and you can't tell them that because you don't know. They probably don't care about the rest and will find out when the time comes.

What you want is to celebrate your baby. And that's fine! Have a baby shower- a totally normal party to have before baby is born. Do everything you said you would. Your family sound bitter. Things change. Life doesn't always work like that. It's totally fine to celebrate your baby. Tell them that. Be breezy. You don't need to be defensive because you're not in the wrong. Just stay breezy and chilled and enjoy your day.

Saying that because it's so easy with families like this to be drawn into conflict and stress. You do you

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/08/2021 11:44

No wonder the OP hasn't been back. The bullying on this thread is really distasteful.

She was proposing hosting a party for her family's children, not sacrificing them on a black altar.

Some PPs on this thread should be ashamed of themselves. But I can guarantee they won't be: too damned pleased with themselves that they've managed to put an excited (and probably hormonal) first time mum well and truly down.

It's a disgusting display and I'm surprised @MNHQ have let it stand.

OaxacaChihuahua · 11/08/2021 11:47

For me, I had a late loss and when I read the op I was thinking how awful it would’ve been for me to know that other family members had photo albums of a “welcome baby” day when my baby wasn’t here.

It wasn’t about the party as such (although I do think having a party to prepare other children in the wider family is a bit odd.) but that there would be a memento of that day somewhere that someone else had when my baby didn’t make it.

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

I think it’s absolutely fine for you to make that decision for yourself. You get to set your own boundaries for your own pregnancy. My criticism is of people who quash celebrations other women want to have for their pregnancies with this ominous suggestion that the baby could still die. I find it breathtakingly insensitive.

My sister had to have a late TFMR and she treasures the mementoes she has of that baby (a crocheted blanket, her scan photos and a onesie) because they’re tangible reminders that she existed and was loved. It’s absolutely fine for any woman not to want anything like that when dealing with loss, but for others having these things can be comforting. It’s for the pregnant woman herself to decide what is right for her, and OP has clearly made her decision in this respect.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/08/2021 11:48

how is not being gullible and stating that she is after (by her own admission) Instagram/Influencer type photos with other people as props 'bad behaviour'? I would suggest that using relatives and children as props is bad behaviour.

It really bloody isn't. It's completely harmless. That's if it were even the case, and social media was not even mentioned in the OP's posts.

Bullying a pregnant woman isn't a good look. Lay off.

Lumpwoody · 11/08/2021 11:48

My mementoes are fine. It’s the thought of others having photo books of some happy flappy welcome the baby thing. Makes me feel really uncomfortable.

motherofassholes · 11/08/2021 11:49

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

No wonder the OP hasn't been back. The bullying on this thread is really distasteful.

She was proposing hosting a party for her family's children, not sacrificing them on a black altar.

Some PPs on this thread should be ashamed of themselves. But I can guarantee they won't be: too damned pleased with themselves that they've managed to put an excited (and probably hormonal) first time mum well and truly down.

It's a disgusting display and I'm surprised @MNHQ have let it stand.

This with bells on. It's vile the way people speak behind an anonymous username. This is somebody about to become a mother. Wanting to do something well intentioned and sweet with her family.

Yes the kids won't have questions and that's up to parents to answer. But she hasn't had her child yet and these things often don't occur to you until you're actually parenting.

Give the girl a break and let her enjoy her baby.

ChocolateTelegram · 11/08/2021 11:53

@OaxacaChihuahua Many people before me stated the OP was after instagram photos, simply because their own wording makes this quite obvious. I am not the first to call it out, and I won't be the last. It's simply stating the obvious.

'bee in your bonnet over something you’ve fabricated yourself. You don’t need to be this agitated over something that isn’t real. "

I'm very calm. You and the defenders are the ones who sound very agitated. I'm simply stating the truth.Read the OP's own posts. She makes it more than obvious it's about the photo ops for her. She basically says this herself when she says she 'just' wants nice photos.

sunglassesonthetable · 11/08/2021 11:54

I would suggest that using relatives and children as props is bad behaviour.

A barrel being scraped here.

ChocolateTelegram · 11/08/2021 11:56

Yes suggesting it isn't about relatives and children as photo props when it is very clearly said it's about the nice photos is a "barrel being scraped". Hmm

AppleJane · 11/08/2021 12:00

I went through a pregnancy alone. Not having someone else there to cuddle and touch the bump and be excited too and share the joy..... it's hard. Give the OP consideration and let it go @ChocolateTelegram

sunglassesonthetable · 11/08/2021 12:02

I'm very calm. You and the defenders are the ones who sound very agitated.

Big up you with your 'very calm' Choc. 😁

Tbh I do feel quite strongly that there has been a thoughtless and HARSH pile on to someone, rightly excited and full of good spirit, who has suggested a little kids tea party ffs.

You read some these posts and it's vile.

But you've "seen through OP" haven't you Choc.

Well done you. 🙄

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2021 12:03

@ChocolateTelegram

Yes suggesting it isn't about relatives and children as photo props when it is very clearly said it's about the nice photos is a "barrel being scraped". Hmm
OP said she wanted photos to make an album, not to put them online. Those are very different things. She may just be a very visual person, there's no reason that means she is unworthy of empathy.
Kanaloa · 11/08/2021 12:14

She’s not using them as props, she’s inviting them to a party! They’re not going to be trussed up like Prince George standing perfectly still for photo shoots, they would be making crafts. It’s hardly being booted down the coal mine, sticking and gluing to make a card for your cousin.

And honestly I go to all sorts of family events I’m not that invested in. Do I really care if my nephew gets to be a mouse in his ballet recital? Not really but I love him so I go and watch. Then his parents come to my daughter’s dance show. My pils look at my holiday photos, even when there’s loads of them. I look at endless photos of their new garden setup.

If you aren’t interested in your family and will scorn them for wanting any small bit of attention/being slightly self indulgent then you might as well not have them and only be interested in yourself.

OaxacaChihuahua · 11/08/2021 12:18

[quote ChocolateTelegram]@OaxacaChihuahua Many people before me stated the OP was after instagram photos, simply because their own wording makes this quite obvious. I am not the first to call it out, and I won't be the last. It's simply stating the obvious.

'bee in your bonnet over something you’ve fabricated yourself. You don’t need to be this agitated over something that isn’t real. "

I'm very calm. You and the defenders are the ones who sound very agitated. I'm simply stating the truth.Read the OP's own posts. She makes it more than obvious it's about the photo ops for her. She basically says this herself when she says she 'just' wants nice photos.[/quote]
So just point me to where exactly she suggests she wants photos for Instagram? Where is this ‘obvious’ wording?

People have been taking family photos for a lot longer than Instagram has existed. The victorians were doing it. Why do you assume so confidently that this is about being an influencer? As far as I can tell you’ve only latched on to this non-existent wrong-doing because it’s a stick you can use to beat the OP with.

OaxacaChihuahua · 11/08/2021 12:21

@Lumpwoody

My mementoes are fine. It’s the thought of others having photo books of some happy flappy welcome the baby thing. Makes me feel really uncomfortable.
And that’s absolutely fine for you to decide for yourself, of course! If someone was trying to pressure you into having a party I would defend your right not to participate just as much as I am defending the OP’s right to have a party.
Kanaloa · 11/08/2021 12:22

Even if she did want photos for Instagram, that isn’t a crime. Lots of people post pictures on there of their various parties or events. I think it adds to the pressure people already feel but it isn’t inherently wrong.

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2021 12:30

@Kanaloa

Even if she did want photos for Instagram, that isn’t a crime. Lots of people post pictures on there of their various parties or events. I think it adds to the pressure people already feel but it isn’t inherently wrong.
In my opinion it can be quite wrapped up with loneliness in this day and age. It's not automatically a cause for scorn, though some seem to delight in doing so.