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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
enoughforme · 11/08/2021 09:43

I disagree with posters saying it's unsupportive to say it's a silly idea, the OP posted for opinions and has to take it from all sides.

Also, it is very weird - I don't even personally get the logic of baby showers. We all know many complications can arise in pregnancy and birth so why celebrate something not here yet?

Lavender24 · 11/08/2021 09:45

I think the whole "preparing the kids for baby thing" is possibly a bit OTT but I think your family have been quite insensitive and made a bit of a big deal about what is basically just a garden party for their kids. I'd be hesitant to plan anything else for your family in future if this is how they behave. Maybe go for a nice meal with your adult friends instead? Congrats on your pregnancy btw Smile

Biancadelrioisback · 11/08/2021 10:04

We're a 'party family'. Any excuse for a gathering really. But what would put me off here would be someone else answering questions about babies to my kid. He's only 4 and if he asks in a normal situation, most people just so a very basic baby-is-in-mummys-tummy type answers and leave the trickier questions for us to deal with. You don't necessarily know how parents are teaching their kids about this sort of stuff. Are they using euphemisms? Being factual? Using proper terminology? How much detail have they gone into?
So if I thought a family member was inviting my kid round for a discussion around babies or to educate them about birth (?) I'd be wary as fuck.
If I thought a family member just wanted a bit of a 'do' before baby came and there would be some games for the kids, I'd be there in a flash.
But my son doesn't need preparing for someone else's child.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 11/08/2021 10:31

I think that the idea might have been better received by some people even if not your family.You and your mother are most invested in this baby so are the most excited about the birth. I think once you realised others weren't so keen on your idea then you should have thought more about trying to push it in that format.

It's not really for the children - they don't need to have a party focussed on your baby to be. If you'd had a plain garden party then the excitement would have been there anyway.

It would be nice if we were able to just have a party to openly celebrate anything we are excited about yet some topics don't go down so easily or are a bit tasteless. I once went to a 'my daughter's started her period' party. The mum was very excited about her daughter now being a woman yet her daughter certainly wasn't.

Bluntness100 · 11/08/2021 10:33

Honestly some people are making assumptions and painting the op as some sad lonely figure with an unsupportive family.

No one knows if she has other kids, why she’s going it alone, this maybe one of many parties after a gender reveal, baby shower, and many other events to celebrate her pregnancy and they are all getting a bit fed up of it. Without context it’s hard to judge.

BadLad · 11/08/2021 10:36

@Bluntness100

Honestly some people are making assumptions and painting the op as some sad lonely figure with an unsupportive family.

No one knows if she has other kids, why she’s going it alone, this maybe one of many parties after a gender reveal, baby shower, and many other events to celebrate her pregnancy and they are all getting a bit fed up of it. Without context it’s hard to judge.

Those of us who read the first sentence of the first post know if she has any other kids.

We am due my first baby in a few weeks.

Frazzledmummy123 · 11/08/2021 10:37

@50ShadesOfCatholic

So in a nutshell we have a heavily pregnant young woman who wants to share her excitement about her impending arrival with the people she is closest too.

She arranged it. And they laugh at her and scorn her.

So she comes in here to share her disappointment - and great swathes of posters trio over themselves in the scramble to heap more scorn upon her.

Baby? Who cares?!
Single mother? So what!?
Wanting to share your joy? Piss off!!

And then we have threads wondering why an ever increasing number of people feel lonely, anxious, unhappy and unsupported.

100% agree!

I have never seen such bitchiness in the one thread. Some going against the op have been fine, honest replies are what this part of mumsnet is for, however some have been downright nasty and totally uncalled for.

sunglassesonthetable · 11/08/2021 10:40

No one knows if she has other kids, why she’s going it alone, this maybe one of many parties after a gender reveal, baby shower, and many other events to celebrate her pregnancy and they are all getting a bit fed up of it. Without context it’s hard to judge.*

what hard to judge whether to be unkind?

OP doesn't have to be "a sad lonely figure" for posters not to be judgmental arses.

sunglassesonthetable · 11/08/2021 10:41

No one knows if she has other kids, why she’s going it alone, this maybe one of many parties after a gender reveal, baby shower, and many other events to celebrate her pregnancy and they are all getting a bit fed up of it. Without context it’s hard to judge.*

what hard to judge whether to be unkind?

OP doesn't have to be "a sad lonely figure" for posters not to be judgmental arses.

Looubylou · 11/08/2021 10:42

Sorry OP, but this is self indulgent. You made me laugh too. However, I would probably have gone along with it, and not openly scoffed, if it were one of my nieces. Why don't you just say, as adults aren't keen on a baby party, if the kids would like to be dropped off, you'd like to entertain them for the day, while you still have time? No baby fuss, just fun aunty/party time. I'm sure your mum would help.

liveforsummer · 11/08/2021 10:46

No one knows if she has other kids

Well in the opening line she says she's due her first baby so we kind of have to take it as fact she doesn't have other kids.

Balonzette · 11/08/2021 10:46

If you'd have just said about the fun day for kids in the family then it would have been fine. But making it all about your unborn baby is very pfb and sure to cause a lot of eye rolls. Like preparing the other children for meeting the baby as if it's going to be a life changing event for them, and having them all make cards and a photoshoot for your baby... It's a cute idea in theory but in reality it's just way OTT? If my sister suggested this I'd be a bit Hmm too. I'd have LOVED the fun day in the garden with paddling pool etc but everything else, no. I'd be thinking "What's my child going to do with a photo album of themselves posing with 'Welcome Baby' signs for their new cousin? Won't it seem odd that only one cousin was made cards for, and had this huge party and photoshoot and attention made? What if my DC start asking if they can see the cards they were made before they were born, or their pre-birth welcome photoshoot? Why does my child need an occasion for them to ask questions about the new baby? They're kids, they're not especially interested, it might be awkward..." Etc. You know? It's just a bit of an odd thing to do for one baby in the family and also very unnecessary.

Balonzette · 11/08/2021 10:49

I don't mean to be cruel, in theory it is a lovely idea, and we are a guilty of having been pfb! I totally remember that feeling and probably did OTT things myself! Doesn't stop me eye rolling when other people do it though. Don't take it personally.

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2021 10:52

Tbh this is incredibly cringeworthy.

And while I can understand your upset at the family essentially knocking back the idea, it’s far better that they do that than attend a party and talk behind your back before and afterwards about how cringeworthy it was. Because people will talk, at least they’ve been open about what they think.

I’m guessing that it’s because you’re a single parent that you want there to be some kind of recognition which you can look back at with the baby, because if someone is in a couple then the pregnancy is different as “mummy and daddy went out and bought x/y” etc but if you’re going it alone then the baby won’t have that.

Also a first baby is something special to the parent, and when you’re on your own you don’t have someone to share that with in the same way as if you were in a couple.

That’s not a dig at you being a single parent, but the dynamic is different, and if you’re in the centre of that dynamic then you’re more likely to feel it.

But unfortunately babies aren’t really that interesting to most people beyond saying how lovely it is that someone is pregnant.

TheOrigRights · 11/08/2021 10:59

I wonder if some of you lot would be so bloody horrible in RL.

ChocolateTelegram · 11/08/2021 11:07

Does anyone think sunglassesonthetable is the OP?

rainbowstardrops · 11/08/2021 11:13

Oh OP, the thought of the party primarily for the other children in the family obviously comes from a good place but it was maybe a bit OTT to suggest the children make welcome cards etc. I imagine the older members of your family might consider this to be tempting fate before the baby is even here.
Just stating it was a family gathering before you're really busy with the baby would have been lovely.
You're baby is clearly the centre of your universe and you just wanted to share it. I get it. It was just a bit OTT.
Good luck with your baby Thanks

ChocolateTelegram · 11/08/2021 11:15

As for me I see right through the OP. She clearly wanted Instagram/Influencer type staged photos and wanted to use other people's children as props.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 11/08/2021 11:22

@ChocolateTelegram

As for me I see right through the OP. She clearly wanted Instagram/Influencer type staged photos and wanted to use other people's children as props.
@ChocolateTelegram oh give it a rest, your comments are very mean spirited and just plain bitchy.
AngryWhompingWillow · 11/08/2021 11:23

@LilBristow Urgh the nasty comments are continuing. Pay no attention. Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2021 11:23

@ChocolateTelegram

As for me I see right through the OP. She clearly wanted Instagram/Influencer type staged photos and wanted to use other people's children as props.
So many people have made this judgemental assumption, when OP has clearly said that she is motivated by feeling lonely, a very common and understandable emotion. Tbh, I see right through people who assume the only reason anyone could ever want to do something nice is to take staged photos for SM.
sunglassesonthetable · 11/08/2021 11:29

Does anyone think sunglassesonthetable is the OP?

😀😀😉 oooh choccy you've seen right through me too

ChocolateTelegram · 11/08/2021 11:29

@50ShadesOfCatholic Oh do give over. The OP even says when she changed it to a garden party she just wanted 'nice photos'.

That's what she said. That was her motivation.

AppleJane · 11/08/2021 11:30

@ChocolateTelegram

Does anyone think sunglassesonthetable is the OP?

No. Clearly a decent human being. Not like your last comment saying 'I see right through the OP'. You should be ashamed of yourselves. MN has become a cesspit of despicable people.

ChocolateTelegram · 11/08/2021 11:30

@sunglassesonthetable Well I did read through the entire thread before I posted and I noticed you seem rather, er, over-zealous and over-invested in defending the OP, and very prolifically so.