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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
lastcall · 10/08/2021 20:59

Prepare other people's children for the arrival of your baby? Really?

Sorry, you are being odd.

Flittingaboutagain · 10/08/2021 21:00

Hi OP

I really recommend Peanut the mums app for making some connections with local women who are interested in forming friendships. You can just try to connect with first time mums to be. You sound understandably lonely and I wish one of your family had thrown you a baby shower!

FindYourPorpoise · 10/08/2021 21:01

I think they sound a little mean but I do understand their reaction.

The truth is that this baby is exciting and life changing for you but not to anyone else. That's the way it is with most babies.

Older generations also tend to not acknowledge pregnancy too much out of superstition or because they think it will make a loss much worse for the mother to deal with.

If you're worried that the kids won't be prepared, don't. My friend just had her second on her own and my DS just accepted that she has a baby now. He was interested for a minute then got on with his day.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 10/08/2021 21:06

Awww they do sound mean. Even if I did think the idea was a bit Hmm I would still come and I'm sure the kids would enjoy themselves. It's not something I would do but I dont understand the close family members (on MN especially) who are not interested, couldn't care less, dont want to do a nice afternoon with a mum to be, especially in your case knowing you're on your own.

I think where you went wrong is saying it's for the children to ask questions etc that does come across a bit precious but you obviously wanted to include everyone, so I couldn't be mad at that.

Anyway OP. Celebrate your pregnancy the way you like, it's a lovely thing. Just eye roll the family members that are all "well I didn't even tell anyone I was pregnant and just gave birth on my lunch break, cos who cares!!!" Use it as a mardy arse radar.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 10/08/2021 21:07

@LilBristow

I’m having this baby alone, I suppose I just wanted to share the excitement with someone.
I have thought about this thread and realised that you simply don't know what kids are really like hence the very Instagrammy ideas of special cards etc Some kids like crafts but others only do it at school because they have to plus the same goes for photos etc You don't mention how old the kids are but if they are like my teens they will grit their teeth if you take any of them and die of embarrassment if they go on your social media.

Did you answer what you think the kids might ask? If they ask about how the baby got there then that's an answer for their parents 😉 or are you concerned about questions about the father which is something that their parents should explain so you don't have to.

Happy36 · 10/08/2021 21:10

YABU. No one cares about your baby as much as you do. I think your extended family is trying to make this clear before you start spamming them weekly photos of a frankly uninteresting newborn doing nothing.

Children in the family will be the least bothered of all and probably bemused as to why they're making cards and banners for your bump.

It's also weird to have a party before the baby's born.

SamiReed1 · 10/08/2021 21:18

Agree with your family, it sounds batshit to me, and very self-absorbed. Really, the kids aren't going to give a shit about the baby except to say hello to it, ask for a hold, and then get bored with it. They won't have any questions. They won't care. They're kids. Kids don't give a stuff about babies. You sound like Precious First Born mum on steroids. You sound like what you are doing (having a baby) is so unusual that kids will be amazed at it or traumatised and need to ask questions. In the nicest way possible please get over yourself. Truly, kids are the last people who give a shit or have any questions. They don't care. They just don't.

SamiReed1 · 10/08/2021 21:20

You don't seem to have a clue about kids at all, almost like you haven't been in the company of kids before so don't know what they like or care about. I hope your baby changes you and brings you much more down to earth.

SamiReed1 · 10/08/2021 21:23

@LilBristow

It wasn’t just for baby, it was to help prepare the other kids, I’m not sure if they’re even aware I’m pregnant or if they are that birth I’d very soon
What do they need to be 'prepared' for? Armageddon? You said this is your first child, so who are these other 'kids'? What are they to you, and why would they give a stuff one way or the other? What are you going to 'prepare' them for? I doubt they will be living or spending much time with your baby anyway, and nor will they want to; kids tend to complain about noisy smelly babies if they're not their siblings, they'd rather be far away from the noise, the fuss and the smell and go bike riding or something. There is nothing to prepare other people's kids for.
SamiReed1 · 10/08/2021 21:25

@LilBristow

I’ve already tried to drop the baby connection but they won’t let it drop now. I’ve actually said I’ve had a rethink on the cards etc but everytime I mention the “garden party” on Friday they keep asking why I’m having a party for baby, even though I’ve said I’m not now, it’s just a garden party for summer and so I can get some nice photos!
I think because they know very that no matter what you call it, the real reason for the get together is the baby. No matter how much you try to change the meaning. They just don't want to go to the get together. Full stop.

Just drop the whole get together all together. Probably not a good idea with you this close to birth anyway, not to mention risk of infection, etc.

Winterflower84 · 10/08/2021 21:27

Don't want to hurt you but honestly, why would you hold such a party? Don't make everyone be super fascinated about your baby, it's quite a lot of pressure. Why would these kids care to ask questions about a baby who hasn't even been born yet?

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 10/08/2021 21:28

Why don’t the kids know you’re pregnant? Have you not seen them?

Summerfun54321 · 10/08/2021 21:29

Good luck for the arrival of your new baby Flowers. A bit shit for your family to not make you feel supported if you’re doing it alone. Definitely a mums group like NCT or meeting new mums through the Peenut or Mush app are a way to go to meet others on the same wavelength and get some genuine support. Also older generations and others are often superstitious and just wait to celebrate when baby is here and safe and well.

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2021 21:30

OP just have a family get together, forget the banners and stuff. Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!

maddy68 · 10/08/2021 21:31

Sorry , it sounds incredibly naff and also a 'look at me, you must be dying to meet my baby "

SamiReed1 · 10/08/2021 21:31

Those are the questions I wanted them to ask as I was hoping it could double up as a sex/name reveal thing

Why not reveal it after the birth? Like most couples do.

I’m having this baby alone, I suppose I just wanted to share the excitement with someone.

That's understandable in a way, but really, it's like weddings. In reality, no one else gives a shit except the bride/groom, or the pregnant mother. A baby's a baby. They're cute but noisy and smelly. No one really cares. It's great for you, but the whole topic bores others to tears if it's not your wedding/baby. You're having a baby, that's all. It's no big deal. It's just everyday life.

GoWalkabout · 10/08/2021 21:34

If you are still reading OP, good luck, and it IS a big deal, a huge deal, and will be for your family too xxx

Itiswhatitis21 · 10/08/2021 21:34

I haven't read all the thread becuase reading your original post really made me cringe.
I'm on your families side

GoWalkabout · 10/08/2021 21:35

And never post on AIBU but there's other boards on here that are not like this!

Arrowheart · 10/08/2021 21:36

You sound self absorbed OP. Having a baby is exciting but not as exciting for other people as you think. And having a party so other children can ask questions and be prepared is the most ludicrous thing I've heard today. As if any children at a party will be bothered about asking questions about a baby that isn't here yet. All they'll be bothered about is the food.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2021 21:38

Just when you think you've seen all the joy suckers . Four posts putting a first time single mother in her place. Big claps for you.
@SamiReed1

@LilBristow I hope it goes well. I hope you do get to share the excitement and joy you feel. You're clearly a caring person who enjoys the company of your family. I think you'll be a lovely Mum.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2021 21:41

You're having a baby, that's all. It's no big deal. It's just everyday life.

I can't read this thread any more.

Nah having a baby is a massive fucking deal to a mother. Have a SCRAP of empathy ffs.

Plumtree391 · 10/08/2021 21:42

@SamiReed1

Those are the questions I wanted them to ask as I was hoping it could double up as a sex/name reveal thing

Why not reveal it after the birth? Like most couples do.

I’m having this baby alone, I suppose I just wanted to share the excitement with someone.

That's understandable in a way, but really, it's like weddings. In reality, no one else gives a shit except the bride/groom, or the pregnant mother. A baby's a baby. They're cute but noisy and smelly. No one really cares. It's great for you, but the whole topic bores others to tears if it's not your wedding/baby. You're having a baby, that's all. It's no big deal. It's just everyday life.

That's right. Apart from prospective grandparents, it's not important. People have babies every day. It wouldn't be all that interesting for other children either though they would probably enjoy the party in the garden (if there was no heavy rain).
sunglassesonthetable · 10/08/2021 21:43

Jesus @SamiReed1 give it a rest.

Fcuk38 · 10/08/2021 21:44

This is hilarious tbh. It’s like
Your putting your kid in a pedestal by thinking the other kids will have questions about it. News flash your not the first to have a child and likely they won’t care until it’s actually here and even then the novelty will wear off pretty quick. What do you think they are going to ask? I’m intrigued?