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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 10/08/2021 20:15

The party idea is a bit twee, but I think your family are being really unkind, especially now you've said you'd like to just have a family garden party instead and they're STILL banging on about a baby party.

I agree with the PP who said save the money and take yourself on a lovely little mini-break. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

a1poshpaws · 10/08/2021 20:16

I think whether anyone had done it before was entirely their choice. It clearly meant a lot to you, and it would have hurt nobody to indulge you on this. So yes, I think they were both mean and insensitive.

But just let it go, try not to brood on it - when your baby's born you won't care a jot about the lot of them anyway, you'll be so in love with him!

If you have a partner, go and have a huge cuddle with him, and mentally tell your relatives to jog on. Flowers

CutePanda · 10/08/2021 20:16

@LilBristow

It wasn’t just for baby, it was to help prepare the other kids, I’m not sure if they’re even aware I’m pregnant or if they are that birth I’d very soon
Unless it’s your own DC why do other people’s DC need to “prepare” for a baby? Very odd. Aside from that, this just sounds like a child-friendly “baby shower.” Very American, but not too unusual nowadays.
Adrianneanneanne · 10/08/2021 20:19

By all means host a family gathering, but other members of your family aren't as invested as you think they are. It's exciting to you, your partner and grandparents but the rest don't need to be 'prepared'.

I do think it's a bit cringey when parents centre things around their (unborn) baby. Just have a nice garden party and leave it at that.

doingadisservice · 10/08/2021 20:21

Are you giving birth to the messiah? Why on earth would other children need to be prepared for your baby?!

It's such a odd, self important reason to have a party.

Okay f you want a party pre birth because you doubt your ability to cope with hosting after the baby then say so.

Hekatestorch · 10/08/2021 20:21

My BIL/SIL were the first parents in the world. They had a strop at various times because more than one of us tried to gently explain that due date wasn't an absolute date, it was an estimate. Apparently that was because the rest of the world didn't know their dates as well as they did

I had a relative who was absolutely convinced they would know the date their baby would be born from their booking in appointment.

She was definitely have a c section and the date would be set at the first midwife appointment. They didn't want to listen to anyone kindly telling them that's not how it worked. So I just left it. Seemed the kinder thing to do.

They weren't even expecting at this point, They found out in their own time and I avoided an argument. There was no section either

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 10/08/2021 20:22

Certainly in my parents generation, both born in the 30s, it was considered extremely bad luck having something like a baby shower before the baby is actually born . I tend to agree.

Hufflepuff21 · 10/08/2021 20:23

Sorry OP. I think if you had told people it was a baby shower they might have responded differently. It's not my thing, but it's a nice idea and I wouldn't have reacted like your family. I think they're rude.

Theresdietcokeinasda · 10/08/2021 20:25

To me this feels like op has photos in mind she wants to create. Maybe seen on social media. And she tried to get her family roped in as props to recreate this.

Would be interesting to know how close the family usually are.

AmperoBlue · 10/08/2021 20:26

@Lcachu

I had a baby shower for exactly the reason AllTheSingleLadiess gave.

My babies dad walked out very early doors and the emotional support my friends and family gave me was immense.
The baby shower was important for me to celebrate having a baby even though it’s own father didn’t want it and spoiled much of the joy.
My baby is a fantastically lovely teen now who has never given me a moments worry. I’m still grateful for all those women who helped me find my way through to keeping my pregnancy despite it not being the “sensible” choice as my ex put it.
A bit of wine and a few games and the chance to say thank you to them.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2021 20:27

@Mushypeasandchipstogo

Certainly in my parents generation, both born in the 30s, it was considered extremely bad luck having something like a baby shower before the baby is actually born . I tend to agree.
I can see why the grandma was confused with that in mind, though I think it's more ingrained than rational. But there was no need to relatives to make digs about it being unfair on their kids.
Waspsarearseholes · 10/08/2021 20:29

[quote BeardyButton]@LolaSmiles I said “some of the people who don’t enjoy pissing....”.

My comment was very **simple to understand, if you had bothered to read it!!!![/quote]
It actually wasn't very simple. Punctuation is key here.

twilightcafe · 10/08/2021 20:31

I feel so mean voting YABU as it's your first baby but ... YABU!

ViceLikeBlip · 10/08/2021 20:35

@LilBristow

I’m having this baby alone, I suppose I just wanted to share the excitement with someone.
Just tell them this. It's all got weird and complicated because you've tried not be "needy" about, and you've tried to make it about the other kids etc. But I think everyone would have understood if you'd just said to your mum "I'm really excited this baby's nearly here, but I'm feeling a bit lonely and sad as well. Can we maybe organise a bit of a family gathering, not because I want presents but just to cheer me up a bit?" then I'm sure everyone would have understood a bit better.

I'm sorry you're so sad. Being pregnant is a really complicated time xx

LovePoppy · 10/08/2021 20:36

@LilBristow

It wasn’t just for baby, it was to help prepare the other kids, I’m not sure if they’re even aware I’m pregnant or if they are that birth I’d very soon
I think your party sounds lovely….but I’m very confused on how the other children need to be prepared? The baby won’t live with them
Myla2 · 10/08/2021 20:36

I just feel like you worded it wrong to your family op. But now they wont let you live it down. I'd scrap the whole thing if I was you and maybe give it some time to simmer down. Once people have forgotten just ask them if they want to come over for a gathering or family picnic. Do it that way.

Alot of these comments may come across mean or that they are piling but in all honesty the idea of needing a party so that children can ask your questions around you pregnancy is a very strange concept and even you must see that! However there is no harm in wanting to get everyone together and to celebrate your baby

Myla2 · 10/08/2021 20:38

Congrats on the pregnancy op.

8dpwoah · 10/08/2021 20:42

OP is it fair to say this is a bit of a reaction to having to sort out your own baby shower (which is unusual)/sex reveal/what have you? It's a shame nobody in the family appears to have thought to organise one for you BUT it could be that they didn't think you'd want one? My family know my thoughts on these things so have steered well clear and I think it's increasingly common for people to be less keen on baby showers and such.

That said the way they've been with you since you invited them to your (admittedly, a bit weird) event makes me think they aren't massively considerate anyway. Cancel the party and have a spa day or a posh lunch out or something for yourself, you'll enjoy that more!

Prettypennies · 10/08/2021 20:42

I think it’s a really sweet idea, it’s a nice opportunity to get family together, I don’t understand why people are grumbling. Good luck OP!

luckylavender · 10/08/2021 20:44

@LilBristow - it sounds very odd. And really the children's parents can 'prepare' them in the way they see fit. It's not your job.

billy1966 · 10/08/2021 20:51

I think your family might have been a bit kinder as you are having the baby alone.

You sound like a lovely young women.
Best of luck, Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2021 20:51

You can’t really share your pregnancy with the children.

Are you feeling lonely? Is your family supportive? I was just wondering if this is what has motivated you.

Frazzledmummy123 · 10/08/2021 20:52

I don't know why people think this is a crazy idea, it is really just a baby shower under another name but without the gifts, and nobody thinks there is anything wrong with them except the older generation as they have only became a thing in the last decade or so.

Older generations like grandmothers, and some younger ones too etc, can't understand celebrating a baby before they are born, and some see it as a jinx. This could explain your grandmother's and aunts reactions. They shouldn't be so rude about it though. You were only trying to do something nice.

I would just continue to organise the party and let people call it what they like. If people don't want to come they don't have to.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 10/08/2021 20:53

@LilBristow sorry just saw you don't have a DP - I didn't mean to be insensitive about suggesting you go away with him instead.
I hope it goes well. If anyone is rude on the day id be inclined to say to them in good Mumsnet style 'did you mean to be so rude?'
GrinGrin

TheWayTheLightFalls · 10/08/2021 20:54

It sounds like you're generally (and understandably) feeling lonely and unsupported OP. The party's neither here nor there - see if you can find one or two members of your family to provide a bit of support and excitement/anticipation in the run up to your little one's arrival Flowers.