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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 10/08/2021 19:05

@LilBristow

It wasn’t just for baby, it was to help prepare the other kids, I’m not sure if they’re even aware I’m pregnant or if they are that birth I’d very soon
These are cousins? So why do you need to "prepare" them for the baby arriving? Of course you would prepare a sibling but these are not siblings. They probably won't even be that bothered.
viques · 10/08/2021 19:05

It’s very odd OP, sorry. I think you would have been better off inviting people round for tea and cake in the garden and taken the opportunity to take some photos, though what you would do with them is another matter. Unfortunately your nearest and dearest have decided, not unreasonably given the wording, that you were being a bit precious and have among themselves discussed the matter and chosen not to indulge you.

They will have already told their children about your imminent arrival, and children being children they are probably less interested than if you were getting kittens or a puppy. I am afraid that is how it is, babies are lovely, but not nearly as fascinating to other people as their parents think they are. Take this as read and your parenting journey will be smoother and less hurtful.

saveyourbreath · 10/08/2021 19:06

Nah OP. It’s weird.

Everyone will think it’s nice you’re having an at but honestly no one is that invested in someone’s else baby, least of all kids.

therocinante · 10/08/2021 19:07

Honestly, I don't think (most) people are being mean - they're just pointing out that even a bog-standard baby shower/gender reveal party is pretty controversial and a lot of people think they're nonsense or unlucky as it is.

Throw in some genuinely weird "give random cousins a photo album of the day they made cards for a baby they apparently had no idea about before that day" and ... well, people are allowed to think that's odd, self-indulgent etc. It's not the norm.

If this were my friends and me, I'd have been told straight I was being precious and have got "Ooh, look at you handing out memorabilia albums for your firstborn Grin" - with love. OP's family have done effectively the same, and haven't done this particularly cruelly, they're just a bit baffled as it's a bit odd.

It doesn't mean OP shouldn't have a party with their family, just that their expectations and framing of it were a bit weird.

SeasonFinale · 10/08/2021 19:07

Reveal the name to us and we will be able to say whether you should advance reveal the name or whether that will lead to laughing too. In my experience just tell them the name after birth as a fait accompli.

MakeMineALarge1 · 10/08/2021 19:07

When will people realise that no one really gives a &&&& about reveal parties, baby showers etc, you've had sex, got pregnant and now you're having a baby,
You're not the first and you won't be the last!
Crack on with it.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 10/08/2021 19:08

Let me get this straight...

You want to hold a party for relatives to prepare children, who aren't yours, for the arrival of a baby they're distantly related to? Hmm

Sorry I'm with your relatives here. I think you need something to concentrate on other than the fact, like millions of others the world over, you're having a baby.

Think this idea can go in the pile with baby showers and gender reveals except worse!

SecretKeeper1 · 10/08/2021 19:10

Those are the questions I wanted them to ask as I was hoping it could double up as a sex/name reveal thing but clearly nobody cares and I’m being a dickhead so I’ll just leave it

You’re not a dickhead, but if you’d pitched it more “how about a little get together at mine so I can spoil the kids before I have a baby hanging off my boobs” might have gone down better.

venusandmars · 10/08/2021 19:10

I think their questions might be about 'how the baby got in there...'

MiddleClassProblem · 10/08/2021 19:11

Those are the questions I wanted them to ask as I was hoping it could double up as a sex/name reveal thing but clearly nobody cares and I’m being a dickhead so I’ll just leave it

So you want them to ask these questions rather than you saying “we’re going to tell you the name/sex”. This sounds like a very needy way to get the info across. I think the trouble is it does sound like you feel your baby is the most important baby and should be to everyone else. It might not be what you intend but on the receiving end of everything you have described it comes across like you want to do a party and vague celebrate the baby but are expecting them to coax the info out.

HaveringWavering · 10/08/2021 19:12

My love, one tip. If you are already feeling a bit bruised by family being mean about your idea, posting about it on AIBU is guaranteed to flush out even more people who want to be mean to you. It's a bit masochistic!

It's lovely that you are excited and that you clearly have such a close family. Step away from Mumsnet and very best of luck with the new baby Flowers.

Goldbar · 10/08/2021 19:13

OK... so let's break this down a bit.

A party is a lovely idea.

The whole photos and albums thing is a bit odd... I'm not sure I would want an album for a cousin/second cousin of my child cluttering my house. But nice to keep a few photos for your baby.

You're being a bit pfb and assuming that what is super-exciting for you (your first baby) is also super-exciting for the rest of the family (not the case).

Your family are very rude (at least aunts).

How do you save face and rescue the situation? Have the party, call it a baby shower and invite a different crowd (your mum/siblings/friends). Trim the guest list and uninvite grandma/aunts/ associated children. Have a fun, boozy (not for you unfortunately!) child-unfriendly get-together in the garden without the party-poopers.

dottypencilcase · 10/08/2021 19:13

I think it's a lovely idea. Don't be put off. Ring all the people you want there yourself. If they don't come, their loss. Those that'll come will be the people that matter.

Moon22 · 10/08/2021 19:14

I would have gone if I was invited! . It's only a bit of fun and after 2 years of minimal get togethers,
why not? Sounds nicer than the God awful baby showers and gender reveals we are now subjected to!

Fiddliestofsticks · 10/08/2021 19:15

For goodness sake. You didnt want to actually come out and say, "I want a party to reveal the sex and the name we have chosen" because I guess you thought that would make you look a bit self indulgent, so you decided to frame it as a party for all of their children to ask all these questions that you believe they just have about a pregnancy which really, other kids just dont care about. You've tried to make it sounds like it's about their kids. It isnt. It was always about you wanting a party about you and your baby.

That's fine. Plenty people do it. You should have just told them that's what you were doing.

Were you really expecting kids to sit and make cards and banners for your baby, and indulgently ask you all sorts if questions so you could reveal these things under the pretense of just preparing them... while your family all stood around smiling at you?

Greenmarmalade · 10/08/2021 19:16

Yes they’re being mean.

I’m not surprised you’re hurt- that’s a horrible response to a thoughtful idea.

AngryWhompingWillow · 10/08/2021 19:16

@LilBristow

YANBU, what a bunch of miserable feckers! Sad I am shocked that the YABU 'vote' is so high! I don't think YABU at all!

Congratulations on your new baby btw! Flowers

annacondom · 10/08/2021 19:16

Ah, so the questions you expect are about the sex/name? It could possibly be a bad idea to reveal the name beforehand. You could tell us! Just announce it once the baby arrives and they can't tell you what a bad idea it is and try to suggest their own favourites.
Enjoy your party with your family and take some nice photos.

dworky · 10/08/2021 19:18

I don't think children need preparing for babies unless they are in their immediate family.

Xtraincome · 10/08/2021 19:22

It's so lovely OP as this is your first child. But, holding festivities for an unborn child OR throwing a party to give children a chance to make cards for a baby is very much about your excitement around extending your family. Other people do not have that same level of interest other than baby's dad and your mother.

You are clearly extremely thoughtful and I think everyone could have been more tactful in their responses. Just enjoy the garden party and laugh off the baby prep party idea a bit. You went in with excellent intentions but the idea was just a bit odd I feel.

wishingitwasfriday · 10/08/2021 19:23

@LilBristow

It wasn’t just for baby, it was to help prepare the other kids, I’m not sure if they’re even aware I’m pregnant or if they are that birth I’d very soon
You are thinking too much about this. They won't care. Once the baby is here they will probably like to meet him but kids really don't care about having a photo album of a party for a baby that isn't born yet. It'll gather dust before being thrown away. If you want a baby shower then just call it that and have one with your friends.
Original poster
LilBristow · 10/08/2021 19:24

I’m having this baby alone, I suppose I just wanted to share the excitement with someone.

OP posts:
tinglymint · 10/08/2021 19:26

The idea of a family get together before the baby is born is lovely. Your initial reasoning behind it though are quite odd so I'm not suprised your auntie and grandma were confused. Should've just told them you'd like a family party before the baby arrives as you won't have time to do it again for a while.

Hopeisallineed · 10/08/2021 19:26

I think they are being mean but if you want real meanness then posting on here will do the trick.

Lovemusic33 · 10/08/2021 19:26

@LilBristow

I’m having this baby alone, I suppose I just wanted to share the excitement with someone.
Ignore the really harsh comments but take on board that it maybe better to arrange a family garden party rather than a baby party, or call it a baby shower as it seems to be a thing now (wasn’t when I was pregnant). Maybe arrange a baby part once the baby is here?