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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘We didn’t bring you up to have a cleaner’

309 replies

Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit · 10/08/2021 15:00

What does this mean?

I have two amazing cleaning ladies who come for 4 hours every fortnight. They do what I call ‘The big clean’ the whole house, dusting, bathroom, windows, kitchen, hoover, mop, oven, fridge etc. In between this time I do the loos, kitchen everyday and hoover & mop a couple of times (stone tile floors)
I HATE cleaning, I have a toddler and work part time, I cook lots and don’t mind it, but cleaning isn’t my thing.
I’d rather pay money for cleaners and forgo a new outfit or a meal out, that’s how much I dislike it 🤣it’s impossible to do it with Dd around, plus I’d rather spend time with her than breaking my back cleaning.
Today, my mum said ‘We didn’t bring you up to have a cleaner’ she then began to list how she’d do the bathrooms one day, the downstairs the next etc etc..fine, but I don’t want to spend every day cleaning. She also said how she had 3 kids, not 1 🙄
I said how I’d rather spend some money on cleaners so we can enjoy our weekends in the sun (live abroad) and relax, rather than buying myself loads of new clothes or getting my eyebrows done etc (things she and my sister spend a fair amount on)
AIBU to have cleaners?!

OP posts:
Katefoster · 10/08/2021 16:59

YANBU. Me and my husband work full time and our amazing cleaner comes once every 2 weeks but we'd love her to come more but she can't. I'm pregnant and am giving up work but still keeping the cleaner, she keeps me sane!

Kernowfornia · 10/08/2021 17:00

@FangsForTheMemory

She's envious. You should have heard my mother when I got an answering machine.
What message did she leave you ?
waterproofed · 10/08/2021 17:05

DH’s parents are the same. Entirely unable to accept he makes his own decisions as an adult and they don’t have to align with their values. Especially when it comes to sweating the small stuff - they’d have a go at him for mowing the lawn the wrong way. Quite why they think their way of life is the only way to live I will never understand. However, in all seriousness, I don’t even think it’s to do with their sense of superiority or always knowing best - more with uncontrollable anxiety.

He dislikes seeing them and I can’t blame him. @Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit no wonder you moved abroad.

GrealishHairband · 10/08/2021 17:09

My mum raised her eyebrow when it came up in conversation that I had a cleaner for my modest 4 bed semi.

‘You pay someone to do your cleaning? Really?’

‘Yes mother, DH and I work hard and can’t be arsed to spend our days off de- shitpitting the place every weekend after the kids have done their worst when we can afford a nice lady to come in and make it look and smell fabulous, it’s a win-win’.

My sister also has a cleaner but my mum could understand that as her house is so big and she has a toddler (also doesn’t work like but still. Big house) Hmm

thepeopleversuswork · 10/08/2021 17:09

Your mum would be happier having you down on your hands and knees scrubbing all the time than having you spend money you can afford to have a clean home so you can spend the valuable time with your child?

And you are listening to this internal misogyny why?

Cavagirl · 10/08/2021 17:10

@Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit
Would I be right in thinking she thinks you're having notions?
You can't be having notions now.

Musmerian · 10/08/2021 17:11

@Helendee

I’m not a feminist other than believing in equality for all and I struggle to understand how those who are don’t mind employing another woman to do their cleaning. Surely who want more for your sisters than them cleaning up mess?
Firstly, you are a feminist- that’s the definition right there ‘equality for all.’ Secondly, it’s not anti - feminist to employ a cleaner. It’s a job like many others and people get paid for it.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2021 17:13

I was pregnant last year with my third. I had another terrible pregnancy while working (childminder), I was so ill and in so much pain I could hardly bend over. I was desperate to get a cleaner to take some of the pressure off (I do 100%of the house work etc in here. Dp just creates mess for me, doesn't help). We could have easily afforded it at the time, but anytime I mentioned it to my partens, in laws, dp, I was met with "don't be so ridiculous, you're not getting a cleaner", "don't be silly, you dont need a cleaner" or the best one, just a shake of the head and a roll of their eyes.
It's seems to be something that only people who earn over a certain amount of money, and have a certain size of house are allowed to have, and because we are very working class and live in a small house, I was obviously ridiculous for even thinking of it, although I didn't see any of them offering to help.
I'm still thinking of getting a cleaner when I go back to work and we have a bit more money, but I know all the neighbours will talk about me. They do it to a woman down the road who gets a cleaner. No one can understand why she needs a cleaner and gardener because, and I quote "she doesn't doesn't have any kids" 🙄. To be honest I don't really give a fuck anymore, they can talk.

Jent13c · 10/08/2021 17:14

@Helendee female here happy to clean up peoples muck....I'm a nurse!

When I lived abroad we had a cleaner and I loved her more than my own family. She was the hardest working person I have ever met. Why should women not use their skills?

I met a cousins wife who had been brought up abroad and she could not understand the Scottish mindset of doing everything yourself so she had a cleaner, sent her laundry out and had maintenence for every minor thing. She saw it as her responsibility as a higher earner to support the economy by paying for these services.

Coming home to a tidy house that has just had a deep clean is the best feeling ever.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2021 17:26

I’m not a feminist other than believing in equality for all and I struggle to understand how those who are don’t mind employing another woman to do their cleaning. Surely who want more for your sisters than them cleaning up mess?

What a ridiculous bloody thing to say. I used to be a cleaner, then I stopped and became a childminder so I was at home with my children. I quite liked being a cleaner, I got time to myself, and found it hard work, but quite therapeutic actually. I could probably make more money being a full time cleaner than I do being a childminder.
You clearly look down on people that do "menial" jobs that's why you have that opinion.

WetBench · 10/08/2021 17:27

YANBU your lovely mum clearly sees it as your gender defined role. How dare you not spend your time and money cleaning for your husband and getting your self doled up and changed before he steps through the door after you’ve had your eyebrows done.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/08/2021 17:30

@WetBench

YANBU your lovely mum clearly sees it as your gender defined role. How dare you not spend your time and money cleaning for your husband and getting your self doled up and changed before he steps through the door after you’ve had your eyebrows done.
ha! yes! the boomer attitude!
HeronLanyon · 10/08/2021 17:35

Or maybe she stupidly feels unspoken critique of her way of bringing no you up whether she had a choice or not she may feel regretful she didn’t have more time for you. It’s likely to be complex (unless she has always been judgmental and needlessly unpleasant) and I certainly wouldn’t fall out or feel badly about it. Different generations will always struggle a bit to accept changes and regrets wtc.

Carnivorous20 · 10/08/2021 17:41

A lot of my mothers generation, even those who worked and had children haven’t actually got any understanding of what it’s like to be a full time working mum trying to juggle a career and kids.

The working environment is a cut throat competitive place and everything is so child centric these days and we are more aware of the dangers for kids…we can’t just shut them outside in the cold on their own for naps in the pram while we get the floor sparking in preparation for hubby coming home, or send them to the park unattended for hours like they used to.

A lot of us also don’t have family two doors down to help out with childcare like they did.

Having a cleaner is no longer a luxury it’s a necessity for a lot of people.

ladyflower23 · 10/08/2021 17:42

I've just got a cleaner for the first time. I want a clean house, I hate cleaning, don't have the time or ability to do it to the standard I would like so am now paying someone else to do it. My mum, who is the biggest martyr going, is very disappointed in me. I know she will be gossiping about me to my cleanerless siblings but I don't care. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off. Also felt judgement from MIL when I told her but she isn't rude enough so show her judgement openly like my DM does! Anyway YANBU. Spend YOUR money and time how you like 👍

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 10/08/2021 17:42

@Helendee

My last word on the subject is I doubt that many women began life with the desire to end up cleaning others people’s muck up. I would like to know how many middle class women work as cleaners.
So it's actually not a feminist issue, but a class issue, to you?
godmum56 · 10/08/2021 17:44

@HPFA

There's this weird idea also that cleaning is an inherently awful job. I've done it and it really isn't, so long as you pay a proper wage and treat your cleaners with respect.

There are many jobs with comparable pay that are far worse - I'd sooner clean than do cold-calling or be treated like a robot by some Amazon style outfit.

when I had cleaners, I treated them with down on my knees gratutude.
Cuddlemuffin · 10/08/2021 17:45

Your money so spend it onn whatever you like... you've earnt it! I would just respond with. 'I LOVE having a cleaner!' and leave it at that. You don't need to justify it to her lovely x

Helendee · 10/08/2021 17:46

@me4real
Exactly my point, you cleaned because of lack of choices, the same as I.
Would you have chosen it if your life had been different?

itsgettingwierd · 10/08/2021 17:46

@Helendee

I’m not a feminist other than believing in equality for all and I struggle to understand how those who are don’t mind employing another woman to do their cleaning. Surely who want more for your sisters than them cleaning up mess?
What?!

These cleaners happen to be woman. She could have employed male cleaners if they'd applied.

She is providing employment for 2 people who likely are working around their own families lives PT just like the OP.

They are just as entitled to employ someone as their cleaner as much as the OP is!

LavenderAskew · 10/08/2021 17:46

You should say to her "yes, I know you didn't bring me up tp have a cleaner, that's why I have two."

I'd love to have a cleaner - and because of feminism and all that, I promise not to pay one that was traffic into the cleaning business and one how does it of his or her own freewill.

LavenderAskew · 10/08/2021 17:47

*trafficked not traffic

MzHz · 10/08/2021 17:47

@Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit

I feel as though she sees it as sort of lazy, but I cook every meal from scratch (enjoy doing it) we grew up in oven dinners mainly, and that’s fine, her effort was put more into that, mine is more our nutrition 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s also a pride thing too I think? She said she could ‘Never’ do it as she’d be cleaning around the house first..which I also get, but I’ve gone beyond that, the cleaners are excellent, get paid well for where we are and I love them! 🤣

There’s your answer @Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit

“Mum, you chose to spend time cleaning and we ate oven ready meals. I spend my time cooking for my family and outsource the cleaning to accommodate that. That’s what works for us, and we’re happy with it. I don’t comment on your expenditure, so I’m not sure why you comment on mine”

TatianaBis · 10/08/2021 17:49

It think it may be a bit of a class thing - there seems to be a working class pride that you keep your own house clean and don’t pay someone else to do it for you.

Whereas I’m middle class and have no pride in cleaning my own house and no qualms about paying someone to do it for me.

saraclara · 10/08/2021 17:49

YANBU your lovely mum clearly sees it as your gender defined role. How dare you not spend your time and money cleaning for your husband and getting your self doled up and changed before he steps through the door after you’ve had your eyebrows done.

ha! yes! the boomer attitude!

**

WTAF, @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba? That's absolutely ridiculous, inaccurate and ageist. Get a grip of yourself.