To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

[ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

I have 3 (well nrs 2 & 3 are twins) I love it and would have more - yes the cost of childcare is horrendous and life is busy and doesn't stop but I wouldn't have it any other way. We are in a 3rd bed but if we have another child we ll definitely have to move but can't until we are clear of childcare costs

No one says that you have to pay for university - I'll be encouraging mine to look at apprenticeships and sponsored through university or same goes for a house deposit money 🤷‍♀️

I'm currently part time 3 days a week but have every intention to switch to 4 days when the youngest goes to nursery school at 3 ish. Current joint income is around 50k which would rise to 60k if I make that change (without any other increases etc and not accounting for other costs going up)

No one is saying don't do it. Three is wonderful in so many ways.

But you need to be realistic about the costs.

Basically can you afford it.

Aargh. What a horrible decision, not even taking into account the possibility we could ttc and fail. Meant to be discussing with DH tonight and I felt so positive but now I think it's not an option financially.

We didn't have time to think about having a third, as he appeared unexpectedly. My three are now 20, 22 and 24. Oldest is a girl and then two boys. They have always got on extremely well. I didn't go back to work until the youngest started school. We had camping holidays after inheriting a large tent and an ancient camping stove, which is still going strong. DH and I had to forgo some of our own personal interests to ensure we were on hand to deliver two boys to different parts of town to play football on a Saturday morning, securing a lift for one as we only had one car, whilst deciding who got to read the Saturday papers in the warmth of the ballet studio and who got to stand in the cold by the football pitch. We've produced a vegetarian, a vegan and a keen meat eater, so that brings with it challenges, and compromises, in the kitchen. Meals out are expensive, activities are costly, but were well-chosen. DH and I between us have been a chair of governors, treasurer and secretary of various PTAs and scout groups, taxi service to our and our friends' children and more. My children like each other enough that they didn't balk at all three of them being at the same university - though doing different courses. They've even all three of them played on the same mixed gender sport team at uni. Fortunately, we were forewarned about university costs, so had savings set aside for that. Now in their 20s, they are immensely supportive of each other, and prior to lockdown were more than happy to come on holiday with us - which DH was immensely proud of until I pointed out that he was paying for the holiday and their beers and why wouldn't they want to come along! I'm offsetting my third against four friends who have chosen not to have children.

No matter what situation you are in you will adapt. If you choose to have a 3rd you will be absolutely fine and adapt to your new lifestyle

I remember bringing DC3 home from the hospital. It was amazing, I was calm, confident and loved the dynamic between my boys and their baby sister. That was 14 years ago.

I wouldn't change a thing for me, but it's been quite a journey -

DS1 ASD - diagnosed age 19, DS2 epilepsy diag. age 4, DD, shortly to be diagnosed ASD age 14.

Each child is amazing, complex, exhausting. They may not be a happy, tight little trio - we didn't get that - not for a lack of trying.

Cost - we chose private schooling, cost a fortune.

Sharing - works well when they are young. When they get older they NEED their own space.

Impact on your life & marriage. Expect a reasonably relentless slog during school years. 3 x sport, clubs, friends, friends parents. Add any sort of accelerated programme into the mix and your weekends are doomed. We once went THREE years without a term time weekend off. The mental load can be overwhelming.

Despite all of this I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Yes I can see that now. I really do appreciate all of your input. I think that's why I asked for honest advice because otherwise I just think about the logistics of buggies etc which is clearly a non issue compared to keeping the house going!

I think that you just need to be really honest about the finances. Can you scrimp nd do it. No do you want to

DH and I are both eldest of three, and wistfully used to imagine our own three child family back in the early 2000s when we were young and naive and carefree.

Our reality is that we have two DC, both boys, 6 and 11, and we don't want any more. Financially we are just about getting back to normal after I took mat leave with the second, mainly due to balancing part time hours and childcare fees, but a large part was down to me not moving up pay grades as i would have if I hadn't been off on mat leave and then part time for a few years. A third would mean going back to the start of all that, and though we could just about do it money-wise (we've done it before!), neither of us could justify putting our existing two through that more precarious financial position just because we wanted another baby. I don't want us to be stretched to the limit, because all the love in the world doesn't keep a roof over our heads if finances go tits up for any reason, and covid has definitely hit that home for so many families.

I had a very hard first pregnancy with DS1, and a totally fraught but physically healthy one with DS2. I'm healthy, reasonably fit, and luckily don't have any lasting injuries from either birth, but there are no guarantees and I'd rather not put my body through something as physically tricky as pregnancy again.

My two get on beautifully, not a brag but honestly I'm so lucky because I grew up in a household of sibling rivalry and competing for attention, and I'd absolutely hate to recreate that dynamic by having a third and screwing things up. In my opinion, DC's relationship wouldn't improve by having a small baby chucked into the mix, and with that knowledge I wouldn't do it.

And finally, perhaps most importantly, neither DH nor I could possibly justify making another brand new human being in the current global climate situation. Two is enough. I have neither the right nor need for three children when the planet is literally on fire.

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't have a third, because you never know what the future holds and I'd always be secretly worried about money and space, but obviously only you and your DH can make the final decision. It's not without its pangs of 'what if?', and we met a lovely new mum with an eight week old the other day in a running shop and both just went a bit misty-eyed at how teeny and small her daughter was, but that's fleeting. There's also a wonderful sense of happiness that we're done having babies and can get on with this next chapter of our lives together.

I have 5, but i found the transition from 2 to 3 very hard, for many of the reasons listed by pps. It didn't help that she was a difficult baby, i love all of my dc of course, but hand on heart, i would say don't do it.

I'm 49 and had both DS in my 20s. I really wanted a third child but couldn't afford it. I've just got off a phone call with my mum (completely different subjects but talking about things we want but can't afford) and she said she had desperately wanted a third, she had hoped for a boy, but it was impossible for her and my DF to afford. She's in her late 70s now and I had no idea she has that regret. Of course there will always be regrets in life but we can only do what we can.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

not everyone has to or wants to go to Uni.

DS1 easily could've done it but he didn't know what subjects to do (did A levels in 2019) so decided to take a gap year, get a temp job and travel.
he carried on with his music lessons, gym, started taking driving lessons.
he saved up enough to go to Australia last Jan for 5 weeks (we did chip in with plane ticket).
he got back 2 weeks before 1st lockdown and already knew he'd rather get an apprenticeship then bother with Uni.
because of so much uncertainty he had to wait until Dec for his job offer to actually materialise but he finally started in Jan, is doing something likes & good at (made permanent in April) and has a great salary.

He's just turned 20.
There are a lot of opportunities to do higher education later, nothing stops him to do it at some point.

But he's not gonna have 40 or 50k debt in a few years time, if all goes well he may have saved up that much or more by then!

DS2 is far too lazy to go to Uni (he's in college)

DS3 has just done his GSCEs and is expected top grades that could easily land him in Oxbridge, but he already isn't sure if he wants to go to Uni or not.

Going to Uni is just not the same as it was 20 or 30 years ago and who knows what it will be like in 20 years. Or if it's even something your kids will be interested in doing.

Yeah I guess now I'm worried that my kids will miss out on holidays or other activities because of having a third. And I don't want to tell them they CANT go to university if they want to. What if I don't have the money?

I'm absolutely floored by how many have said don't do it. I genuinely didn't expect it to be so strongly in one direction

I know people have hinted here but what's the reality of living costs with three (minus university and holidays)

I feel the older mine get, the more attention they need. Or maybe it’s just a different type of attention but I definitely couldn’t give them what they need if there was a third. Also, their interests are becoming distinct which means different clubs etc. Oh and the cost of those!

When I had children my mum was close to retirement and she was so looking forward to spending that time with her GCs. She died after a short unexpected illness after my second was born. You simply cannot rely on GPs helping out, no matter how much they’d love to.

@twinningatlife

I have 3 (well nrs 2 & 3 are twins) I love it and would have more - yes the cost of childcare is horrendous and life is busy and doesn't stop but I wouldn't have it any other way. We are in a 3rd bed but if we have another child we ll definitely have to move but can't until we are clear of childcare costs

No one says that you have to pay for university - I'll be encouraging mine to look at apprenticeships and sponsored through university or same goes for a house deposit money 🤷‍♀️

@twinningatlife mine tried for sponsorships and apprenticeships but didn't get them.

They still wanted to go to university.

What should we have done at this point? If we don't contribute they wouldn't be able to do it and they did have part time jobs.

what if I don't have the money?

well, you have 2 kids already so what if you won't have the money for them to go on holidays, attend clubs, go to Uni because of whatever reason?

what if anything????

Personally I wouldn't. I have 3 but had twins second time so not much choice. I've been thinking about this a lot recently with family dynamics. I think 3 has a lot of issues. There are always gangs going on, or the perception of that. I think there's much more demands on attention so the feeling that you don't love me as much as the other two etc. It's just an odd number basically. I think 2 or 4 if I had my time again, and advising my own children, I would say that too. A lot of my friends have 2 and their kids seem to be closer and happier. Don't know if that's coincidence. I know someone with 4 and the relationships between kids not that great. I think some people can handle 4 and that's great but not many people. As I said 3 is just much, much harder.

I have 3, and I love it! It's hard work as they are all young. But they entertain each other and have lots of fun. Yes you'll need a large car and perhaps more bedrooms but for me, it's worth it.

@MerryMarigold

I totally get what you are saying.

I never liked the idea of having less than 4 because of many family dynamics I have observed.
(we ended up with 7)

Ps. Mine are 12,12 and 15. Actually the early years were the best, but it's got harder and harder in terms of relationships and dynamics. Cost... Not sure much in it.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba I totally get what you are saying. I guess I'm suprised how many people have implied I will have to scrimp

[quote ItsAllBlahBlahBlah]@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba I totally get what you are saying. I guess I'm suprised how many people have implied I will have to scrimp[/quote]
Yes there are what ifs with two but more with three. But it really isn’t just the financial hit, the amount of time you have for each is cut.

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

I know people have hinted here but what's the reality of living costs with three (minus university and holidays)

Mine are still young (under 10) but I’m flabbergasted by the amount of money I spend on food, easily £200 a week. I used to spend £80 with two.

Car and house I already had so I don’t count those. Holidays I don’t notice too much either yet but we’ve always had self catering villas and holiday cottages so there’s never been an element of extra rooms needed.

School shoes and clothes bankrupt me, I hate uniform with a passion purely because I have to spend hundreds of pounds on shit quality nasty fabrics that are entirely unnecessary.

Clubs and activities add up.

But honestly it’s not that drastically different financially in my opinion.

It’s the mess and stuff that breaks me tbh!