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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

417 replies

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 13:50

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb Sad

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

OP posts:
NanaPorsche · 10/08/2021 15:29

@HermioneKipper

Oh and another one - no one will want to look after 3! I think grandparents may have been more willing to take 2 of them for a night. No hope in hell for 3
I'm looking after three GC at this very moment. 5yrs, 19 months, 9 months.

4 days a week.

Love it 😊

cheeseismydownfall · 10/08/2021 15:31

And we took the decision to have three over a decade ago. I know that the environmental writing was probably on the wall at the time, but I think the grim reality of the situation has become much clearer and I would absolutely consider it as a factor now.

(in all honesty I wouldn't have children at all, for this reason)

Jerseygirl12 · 10/08/2021 15:31

I have 3 and love it, I wouldn’t want 3 in a 3 bedroom house. I moved from a 4 bedroom
house to a 5 bedroom one when my youngest was one.
Regarding hotel rooms I found having 3 DC an advantage as I wouldn’t have wanted all of us in one room.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 10/08/2021 15:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

3womeninaboat · 10/08/2021 15:32

I was one of three and had two because with three the sibling alliances are constantly being redrawn and one is often left out. My pair have a much more stable relationship that I think does them much more good. I also wouldn’t risk it given that twins are more common the older you get. I also feel like I got lucky to have two kids in perfect health so why roll the dice again.

Fernando072020 · 10/08/2021 15:32

I have 1. We recently visited friends who just added a third to their family. My goodness... the noise. It was SO loud. At one point, my friend (who btw is a fantastic mum...just very sleep deprived I think!), stood there yelling as her two boys fought horribly over a toy with the 4 week old screaming in the background with the oven timer going off. (Of course we then proceeded to help!)
I got back in the car to drive to our airbnb with my little boy just babbling quietly in the car seat next to me and I decided then I would likely not even think about number 2! :)

Handsoffstrikesagain · 10/08/2021 15:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/08/2021 15:34

The one thing i would say is that when you are booking a hotel abroad you frequently end up paying for accommodation for 6, even though there’s only 5 of you.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 10/08/2021 15:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BogRollBOGOF · 10/08/2021 15:37

I was open to the idea of a 3rd, but by the time I'd got over two rounds of SPD and two difficult births, DS2 was 3, DS1 was at school and life was begining to get simpler. Two different childcare settings was a slog and we have no family back-up.

I'm glad we stuck at 2, DS1 has ASD diagnosed when he was 9 which explains the tough toddler years. Another child in the mix would have been hard for all of us (except possibly DS2?) We had physical space for another, but the emotional energy would have been stretched a lot further.

MackieMayor · 10/08/2021 15:41

The cost.

Often these threads are answered by people who say it doesn't cost much more but they often have very young children.

The cost of the late teenage years in terms of driving lessons and practice, university fees and food/clothing, school trips because they are doing an A-Level in something, sports clubs for GCSE PE etc. is huge.

We have to find thousands and thousands of pounds each year for our university contributions and that just has to be found out of 'unused' income.

So think forward twenty years and consider if you still want to be working full pelt to fund this.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 15:45

Can someone send me a link to info about the university fees so I can look at what that is in realistic terms... I see its come up alot!

OP posts:
LadyRoughDiamond · 10/08/2021 15:46

Just a though OP, but how old are you? I have a fiend who decided to go for no. 3 in her early 40s. Ended up being twins - good old hormone rush!

Hillarious · 10/08/2021 15:48

University fees aren't an issue, as these can be covered by loans. The maintenance loan where not means-tested is about £5,000 short of what they need for the year.

LadyRoughDiamond · 10/08/2021 15:49

Argh - please excuse typos: *thought. And I have a friend not a fiend.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 15:52

I'm mid 30s

OP posts:
winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 15:52

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah when you found out that you was pregnant in feb was you happy? Only you know, people have 4 children and absolutely love it. You won't get this chance again, and when your baby is here you will absolutely love to have them here. Xx

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/08/2021 15:55

@Fernando072020

I have 1. We recently visited friends who just added a third to their family. My goodness... the noise. It was SO loud. At one point, my friend (who btw is a fantastic mum...just very sleep deprived I think!), stood there yelling as her two boys fought horribly over a toy with the 4 week old screaming in the background with the oven timer going off. (Of course we then proceeded to help!) I got back in the car to drive to our airbnb with my little boy just babbling quietly in the car seat next to me and I decided then I would likely not even think about number 2! :)
I have hyperacusis (oversensitive hearing) and I have never thought of not having a second or more because of noise.

you sound a bit precious & naive with that PFB attitude. and frankly quite judgemental of your friend.
your LO might be a sweet babbling treasure right now but that doesn't guarantee you won't be shouting at him when he's older and he refuses to do whatever.

MackieMayor · 10/08/2021 15:55

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

Can someone send me a link to info about the university fees so I can look at what that is in realistic terms... I see its come up alot!

As the previous poster says it's not the fees it's the living costs. Approximately £5k per child per year for us at the moment.

Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 15:57

Yes I was happy when I was pregnant this year. I was full of fear because I didn't know I was preg and was drinking rather alot as I'd stopped bfeeding shortly before (!!) but otherwise we were happy, talked about logistics like changing the car, the boys sharing etc but it obviously didn't work out. I wonder if I'm hanging on to that thought now.
Just seems so sad the decision will likely come down to money.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 15:58

I am the youngest of 4 so have no issues with the number but obviously want to be able to support them as best I can. Times are very different compared to my childhood.

OP posts:
felulageller · 10/08/2021 15:58

Factor in that now you are both older there is more chance of a 3rd DC being disabled.

Then there's the impact on your body- being older you won't recover as well or as quickly.

Only do it if you absolutely can't not do it.

Evenstar · 10/08/2021 15:59

I planned a third child, he was and is much loved, but there are many reasons to stop at two and I wouldn’t do it again and certainly not now when we have no excuse to be unaware of the cost to the planet of extra children, particularly in developed countries. My youngest is 24 so there certainly wasn’t the same concern about the environment then.

I spent a period during my children’s teenage years parenting alone due to being widowed and it was so hard especially as my youngest had ASD which was only diagnosed at 15. I think financially and emotionally that time would not have been as bad with two children, and you can become a single parent at any time for different reasons.

The teenage years are hard and hugely expensive, it is easy to overlook at the small child stage how much the costs rise, but adult size clothes and shoes for teens are a lot more expensive and they eat a lot, before you even consider university etc.

I really wouldn’t do it, I think my DD will probably only have one child and I wouldn’t discourage her as realistically she will only be able to take maternity leave and then will have to work and pay childcare. We managed for me to be a SAHM when they were little which is now almost impossible for most families.

SuseB · 10/08/2021 16:01

I have 3, planned, smallish gaps between them - 21mths between DC1 and DC2, 2.5yrs between DC2 and DC3. Middle is a boy. It has been great and have no regrets, would make the same choice again. Lots of hand me downs and we said yes to everything going from friends/family. Three under 5 was tough for a short while but before we knew it they were at school/pre-school etc. I have always been part-time/WFH so childcare costs were ok. We have a bigger car but it was not expensive (second-hand Kia Carens). They are older now (2 teen/1 pre-teen) and currently two are staying with grandparents and one with a friend! Grandparents were fine having them all occasionally. A slightly chaotic life suits us though - we manage to spend a lot of time with the DC and do lots of activities etc, but not necessarily expensive - lots of walks/adventures/picnics. I am very relaxed about having their friends round etc. We travel extensively in the UK and have taken them to France on ferry once, normally self-catering cottages. I love the different personalities and dynamics between everyone in the household.

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