To ask if it’s normal to never feel proud of yourself or your dc?

[Waltzingkoala]

Most people I know seem to talk a lot about their dc and their own achievements and feel a genuine sense of pride.
It always makes me feel jealous, not because of the achievement but because they can feel that sort of emotion around it.
I feel really meh about anything my dc do, I just think they are normal average dc, doing normal average stuff.
I also feel that I am personally a failure. If I compare myself to most of my university peer group I am a failure, there’s no doubt. My marriage has also recently broken down so I’m a failure personally too.
It makes me feel sad that at approaching 40 I’ve never achieved anything, quite the opposite. I wonder if how I feel about myself sometimes gets projected onto my dc. My own parents were also never proud of me so I guess that might be part of it too.
If I had to do scribe myself in one word I’d say ‘failure’ or maybe ‘loser.’
I don’t think those things about my dc but I do just think 🤷🏼‍♀️ a lot of the time.
It must be nice to feel pleased about something you or your dc have done.

Sorry, but your poor kids! They will 100% pick up on this attitude 😢

I think you’re projecting your dissatisfaction with your life onto your kids. Why can’t people be proud of ‘normal’ things anyway? What sort of achievements would you find worthy of being proud of in them? In yourself?

I’m not sure... I don’t expect them to be applying for Oxbridge or anything.
I’d have liked a proper career and to have been better if financially. I’d have liked to have been more successful in all of the ways really.

Ignore the nasty poster above.

You weren't given praise as a child which is emotional abuse in itself.

Then having a marriage end on top of that as you hit middle age it's no surprise you are feeling down.

Especially in our current culture of social media everyone else's lives look so fab.

But remember they aren't.

Most kids are average and most parents brag.

Encourage them and yourself to put effort into what you do, don't compare to others.

It actually sounds like you have very high expectations of life and yourself, which makes it harder to get excited about the usual range of achievements.

I say that as the parent who was ecstatic (or massively relieved) to get a report saying DS(6) is working at the expected level for reading, writing and maths. Good enough is good enough!

Depends what you consider an achievement.

I get proud of myself over silly little things. For example if I've been having a bad time with no motivation then suddenly am able to clean the whole house. I'm pleased with myself and think I've done a good job.

I'm proud of my 2 year old DD every day. She's always doing and saying things that make me think wow. She's been trying to jump for ages and did a huge one yesterday. I could have burst. I was so happy for her. She was so happy with herself.

She's a new found love for dinos and knows loads of their names even talks about them being herbivores. I think it's great. Do you get moments like that?

I think it's more normal at times in relation to yourself, depending on what's going on in your life but certainly not normal to feel that way about your children. Pride isn't reserved for the big things, like Oxbridge, it can be for overcoming something they've found difficult, doing the right thing etc.

I had a wobble the other day when I (stupidly) looked at what some of my uni cohort were doing and felt a bit of a failure for 10 minutes, before I reminded myself that I'm very happy and don't actually want want those things they've worked hard for, just the perceived glory (momentarily) and the daydream about what that life would be like.

What do you want to achieve that you haven't? Your life isn't over, there's still the opportunity to do things. You sound very unhappy - any other signs of depression? Are you able to feel happiness and joy?

I bet you’ve achieved a lot but just don’t recognise it. And it’s not too late to continue achieving.
You’ve also identified an issue that could be problematic and that takes a lot of insight.
I don’t think you need to have dc that you think are potential oxbridge candidate to show them that you’re proud of them, just celebrate normal things. How are their birthdays celebrated?
What do you do when they achieve an award, get a good report or achieve something?
If they draw a picture, what’s your response?

I disagree about the first poster being nasty. They are right.
Achievements worth celebrating are subjective. Different people feeel different things are an achievement, but there are always some things to praise or be proud of.
And yes, your kids will pick up on this. And the line of meh will continue unless you do something to break it

In short... no I don’t think it’s normal to feel like that. My kids are older but I can still feel immense pride at their acts of kindness, or a good mark or for my child who struggles an improvement on a test. Also when they take pride in their appearance or help me without being asked.
It’s these small things that make them into a well rounded person that also count.

Be proud of the small stuff. That your kid can put in effort and get better at something. Even if they are worse than average, an improvement is really positive. If you train and work at something, you can get better - which is useful in all sorts of ways.

I pretend to be enthused about their stuff but it’s very much an act. I do try. I tell them I’m proud of them - even though I’m not. I’m not ashamed of them or anything either. I just think they’re normal average children who will grow up to be unremarkable adults.
I don’t know what I want to achieve, I just think if I’d not been born would it have mattered to anyone? I am very unhappy and can’t remember the last time I enjoyed or looked forward to anything.

OP, please, please, please read this article both for your own sake and for the sake of your children.

You need to speak to someone professional before you kmprint this on your kids

I can see how you might feel the way you do given how your parents were with you, but I think it's not great for your children that you're essentially now doing what your parents did to you. You sound like you have pretty low self esteem and that could be something you pass onto your kids if you don't make the effort to at least fake being proud of them. I feel proud of my children not necessarily just for 'big' things but also when I can see they've tried hard or pushed themselves to try something or shown kindness etc... I tell them too and explain why I'm proud and it's lovely to see how good that makes them feel about themselves and it encourages them to do it again or keep trying. I really think you need to make the effort to break this pattern with your children to avoid them viewing themselves the way you view yourself now.

No, I don't think that's normal. I think you're feeling disappointed with life which is maybe understandable but you need to reframe your expectations.
See the effort not just the achievement with your kids. Even if you don't feel it, praise them. Otherwise you will be raising kids who will feel that they haven't done enough and lack self esteem.
Most people statistically are pretty average but everyone is unique and extraordinary in their own way. Even you OP

I thought this thread was going to be about bragging parents always going on social media to tell everyone how gifted their children are.

I think yabu. You can feel proud of yourself and your dc for small, regular achievements.

I have felt proud of my dc recently for small things such as attending a holiday club, especially my youngest for joining in not knowing anyone, he was very brave. I felt proud of my eldest for going into the supermarket solo and buying ingredients, then cooking a simple meal for the family.

Imo it doesn't always have to be about winning or being the best, personal achievements are something to be proud of. Most of us are just average.

It almost sounds a bit like you feel you can't be proud of them if they're 'only' average? Do you feel as though your parents may have shown pride if you'd been outstandingly good at something? That doesn't need to be the case, it's normal for parents to feel proud of every day, average achievements. Simple things like a baby taking their first steps- nothing particularly remarkable about it, just a normal stage in development, but still something to feel proud of!

My 12 year old has additional needs, last night I felt proud of him when he brushed his teeth without me asking.

Decide what achievement would make you feel proud of yourself this time next year.

Achieve it.

Feel proud of yourself

90% of people are average imo. Would be a sad existence if none of us would be proud of anything.

It does sound like a different issue though especially with the sadness generally so gp should be your first port of call

I hear what you are saying. I tell my Son that I'm proud of him and I obviously love him, but I have a faith in human development and the things he is doing are because he is a human being and it was inevitable he would get to that stage, he's had no disabilities or hardship to overcome to be doing average DC things.
I think it's absolutely possible to love and cherish your DC whilst also recognising they are average in the wider world.
I too have nothing to shout from the rooftops about myself.

But I am happy, my child is happy. The only social media I have is MN so that may be a part of me not thinking there is anything wrong with being humble if you are happy.

I feel exactly like this. On one hand, it's just realistic, I am a bit of a failure and they are totally normal.

On the other hand, my mum was also like this and really prided herself on not being like "those other silly women" who in her view were stupid for boasting about their very average dc. At the time I thought it made sense, but now I see it's a bit of a negative attitude. OK boasting is a bit much, but what's wrong with being proud of yourself or someone else, or giving a compliment.

Sort of like the "cool girl/cool wife" phenomenon.

So now I try to have a middle ground. Maybe I'm not proud of my dc but I act like I am (when appropriate) and give them compliments, because why not.

Sorry I scrolled past your last post for some reason, I didn't realise you were unhappy. Ignore my post it's not the same.

You sound very very depressed.

Please book an app with your doctor, and get some help. You sound down about everything, not just your children, and this will impact them in a million ways and I can imagine it must be very hard for them to live with this.

Your children are special in their own way, you just need to see it. Maybe it is making sky high towers of lego blocks, or a creative child that can draw eyes brilliantly, but unless you are open to looking for magic and joy then you just won't see it. It is not your fault. You are not a failure, because you are alive and well, parenting and posting! That is automatically a win in my book.

Please get some help.

This is really sad. Pride and delight in our children shouldn't be reserved for big, outstanding things. I'm proud of my kids all the time - for being kind, for trying hard at something, for doing something new even though it scares them. They are average and normal and they're also wonderful.
I also feel proud of myself, for things like being motivated to get on with stuff, for being thoughtful towards others, for doing little things that bring joy into our lives. It's all in the small things, and it sounds like you've never learnt to see them. Honestly, my life is completely average and unremarkable but I'm proud and happy most days because of these little details.