I grew up with parents who never praised my sister or I. And I mean, never.
Not for A grade GCSEs, not top A levels& in my case, getting into Cambridge (although I went to Warwick as it was just more cool lol).
It has left a huge scar in my life. I have had such a variety of careers and jobs because no matter what I’ve done, that lack of parental praise has shattered my faith in my self, making me think that no matter what I do, it’s just not good enough.
Praise for even the smallest achievements helps build self esteem. In my case, my self esteem is through the floor.
I consciously praised my children precisely because I never received praise as a child. It didn’t matter if it was for a drawing or pooing on a loo when toilet training, or in one of my children’s case, being nominated for a child’s acting award in LA (it’s like the children’s Oscars) or his 1st at Uni, or my daughter’s growth into a successful illustrator. They had praise for muffing up their GCSEs (both were very ill during their schooling, one had to be homeschooled due to her health). I’ve always said it didn’t matter what they do, I would always be proud of them.
It wasn’t a case of over praising & putting them on a pedestal due to their achievements, they’re pretty average in the grand scheme of things. It was about helping them embody good self esteem, vital in grounding them & knowing they are loved.
My self esteem is shockingly awful. I’ve had depression for over 30 years, am about to embark on career number god knows, and have only managed to survive in the world by using a degree in drama & acting to pretend that I can do this. I couldn’t, in all good conscience, put my children through that hurt of feeling you’re not good enough, or not being told you’re loved (my mum started saying she loves me - and this is no word of a lie - about 5 years ago. 43 years without hearing my mother say she loves me, imagine how f’ed up that is!).
Sadly, my twin was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and even in her counselling & treatment that low self esteem & poor sense of self due to our parents has been recognised as a pointer toward the ‘nurture’ element in her illness’s progression.
I’ll admit, I learned the full importance of praise when I did my teacher training. About the links between praise & self esteem, how even the smallest praise can motivate a child.
My sister & 1 both had our children at 18 & 19. Looking back, we both feel in part it was that lack of parental praise & love that lead us to seek that love elsewhere & want a child so we could both have, and feel, loved.
It doesn’t matter if your child wins awards or get the A or is top of their class, give praise for the smallest achievement. If they have done something to the best of their ability, praise them. It’s a fundamental part of feeling of being loved & having self worth.
In the grand scheme of things, despite their achievements, my kids are pretty average. I’m proud of them no matter what, and they know that.
Please, please OP contact your GP to signpost you to counselling. My experience may be extreme, but low self esteem & that feeling of never being good enough, unloved, lead me down a dark, dark road. Take my cautionary tale & get help for yourself.
tl;dr Never praised as a child, lack of self esteem, f’ed up as an adult. Praised my kids, told them i loved & are proud of them, self esteem good, handling the adult work like champs.