To ask if it’s normal to never feel proud of yourself or your dc?

[Waltzingkoala]

Most people I know seem to talk a lot about their dc and their own achievements and feel a genuine sense of pride.
It always makes me feel jealous, not because of the achievement but because they can feel that sort of emotion around it.
I feel really meh about anything my dc do, I just think they are normal average dc, doing normal average stuff.
I also feel that I am personally a failure. If I compare myself to most of my university peer group I am a failure, there’s no doubt. My marriage has also recently broken down so I’m a failure personally too.
It makes me feel sad that at approaching 40 I’ve never achieved anything, quite the opposite. I wonder if how I feel about myself sometimes gets projected onto my dc. My own parents were also never proud of me so I guess that might be part of it too.
If I had to do scribe myself in one word I’d say ‘failure’ or maybe ‘loser.’
I don’t think those things about my dc but I do just think 🤷🏼‍♀️ a lot of the time.
It must be nice to feel pleased about something you or your dc have done.

That’s so sad, Wonderbox, for her and for you. It sounds like you managed to break the mould though?

I did, @TheSockMonster, as did my two sisters, but I won’t lie, it took a fair bit of work to slough off that kind of childhood script. Which is why I’m so adamant that when you’re a parent, you owe it to your child, if not to yourself, to not model that kind of attitude.

You need to stop wallowing in your own self pity and become a mother to your children. It's very abnormal not to feel pride in what you children achieve, and to praise them for those achievements.

You sound clinically depressed so I suggest you see your GP and get some help.

I think it might be the word "proud" that is throwing some people off. I mean, I think being proud of yourself or your children s normal and healthy. But for posters like @DisorganisedOrganiser I can totally see how just navigating life doesn't feel like something to be proud of. But I'd turn that around. For me, to be proud of something, it's because whatever that thing was took effort and thought etc. If I won the lottery, that wouldn't be something to be proud of, fabulous though it would be. But I'm currently looking at buying my first ever high-end car and I am proud of that. I've been self employed for nearly 10 years during some really tough times and I'm proud that I've built a business that means I feel I can justify a nicer car (albeit, second hand and entry level! )

Ditto, the pride isn't because you have a tidy house, it's because you have a tidy house when it's not so easy to keep it tidy because of everything else that is happening.

It's like bravery - being brave isn't the absence of fear, it's feeling the fear and doing something anyway.

You sound depressed maybe.
I am proud of DD when she learns new things even if it's way behind her peers (she's 2 and has been behind average with walking and talking and isn't potty trained etc...). It's not about being first, it's her journey of growing up and I'm pleased that she makes progress (though she will always be my baby!)

This has been an interesting read. I wonder if some people differentiate more than others at feeling proud of dcs and feeling joy for them.

Yes I definitely feel joy but pride is a different thing. As TiredButDancing says navigating through life is what you do. Unless I did something against the odds or something remarkable I’m not sure why I would be proud of myself. I have high ideals for myself which I know I will never meet. Being successful at sports etc will never happen for me now as I am too old so I can never feel proud of myself in that respect.

Reading this though it seems as if some people are constantly proud of themselves. I’m off today with the kids and have just cleaned the house. I don’t feel proud of myself because that is a basic task that should be accomplished. I also ran out of time to clean the bedrooms thoroughly or change the sheets. I also haven’t got any of the laundry put away and did no decluttering at all. So I would describe that as adequate at best. I certainly don’t feel proud of my kids for cleaning as they did none despite me repeatedly asking them to help me.

How would you describe your feelings about the chores done?
Some of us would feel proud, satisfied, happy or even relieved that it’s done.

It’s really sad to read OP but you have low self esteem. I had a very similar upbringing with emotionally distant parents and siblings and it has definitely shaped who I am as an adult negatively, even now in my 30s. It’s that feeling of growing up, knowing nobody ever had my back, simply put, nobody cared about me, so what is my worth? However after much thought and soul searching over the years, I have decided that I won’t let my childhood define me. I have brought my children up with a lot affection because I don’t want them to feel how I did/do. Having said that, I have found that it is very difficult to change beliefs about myself and to value myself.
I would suggest seeing a counsellor and the GP about depression. Good luck, everyone deserves to feel valued

Beechview, satisfied and relieved I would say.

Most people are average - otherwise it wouldnt be average!
I feel proud of my DC when they do well at school but I also feel proud when they have tried a new food, or thought about someone elses feelings, or organised something for themselves.
I feel proud of myself if I get to the end of my to do list, (rarely!) Or parallel park while another car is waiting, or drive somewhere without satnav, or go for a run when dont want to. None if those things are particularly spectacular, a lot of people wouldnt give them a second thought.

@DisorganisedOrganiser

Beechview, satisfied and relieved I would say.

Those are perfectly fine feelings. I think that your initial post made you seem somewhat negative but feeling satisfied that you’ve achieved something or joy for your dcs when they have is probably not too dissimilar to what others interpret as being proud.

Maybe I just use different words

This is so alien to me as I feel so proud of my daughters. Most of us will not find a cure for cancer, prevent climate change, fly to the moon etc etc. OK, we will be average, but that doesn't mean we can't be amazing in our own ways. I am proud of my girls working hard, finding responsible jobs, contributing to society, forming meaningful relationships - it is all great stuff. Not everyone even copes with the basics in life - if you are supporting yourself and have loving relationships, you are winning, in my book.

This is an opportunity to share a much loved Larkin poem:

Born Yesterday

Tightly-folded bud,
I have wished you something
None of the others would:
Not the usual stuff
About being beautiful,
Or running off a spring
Of innocence and love —
They will all wish you that,
And should it prove possible,
Well, you’re a lucky girl.

But if it shouldn’t, then
May you be ordinary;
Have, like other women,
An average of talents:
Not ugly, not good-looking,
Nothing uncustomary
To pull you off your balance,
That, unworkable itself,
Stops all the rest from working.
In fact, may you be dull —
If that is what a skilled,
Vigilant, flexible,
Unemphasised, enthralled
Catching of happiness is called.

@DisorganisedOrganiser

Maybe I just use different words

If you look at definitions of feeling proud then you get all sorts of descriptions like ‘feeling of pleasure or satisfaction’, ‘you feel pleased about something good that you possess or have done’ You do seem to have these feelings but just don’t classify them as being proud.

@Waltzingkoala

Most people I know seem to talk a lot about their dc and their own achievements and feel a genuine sense of pride. It always makes me feel jealous, not because of the achievement but because they can feel that sort of emotion around it. I feel really meh about anything my dc do, I just think they are normal average dc, doing normal average stuff. I also feel that I am personally a failure. If I compare myself to most of my university peer group I am a failure, there’s no doubt. My marriage has also recently broken down so I’m a failure personally too. It makes me feel sad that at approaching 40 I’ve never achieved anything, quite the opposite. I wonder if how I feel about myself sometimes gets projected onto my dc. My own parents were also never proud of me so I guess that might be part of it too. If I had to do scribe myself in one word I’d say ‘failure’ or maybe ‘loser.’ I don’t think those things about my dc but I do just think 🤷🏼‍♀️ a lot of the time. It must be nice to feel pleased about something you or your dc have done.

Oh God that's awful, poor you. It isn't a normal way to feel. I think there might be a good reason to go see your GP and tell him this as you might be depressed. I am proud of my kids, so much, they don't need to have a laundry list of accomplishments, just being themselves, when they are kind, doing a little something that makes them nervous by facing their fear, trying hard regardless of results, etc.

I think it's a lot about being realistic and giving yourself realistic goals. I will never be successful in art world. So what. I can however, be proud of an attempt because it takes an effort.

Being successful at sports etc will never happen for me now as I am too old so I can never feel proud of myself in that respect.
I am fat. I was incredibly proud and considered it a success ehen I didn't die after a HIIT session😂
Realistic expectations 😁

Could it be that your expectations are linked to earnings and how much stuff you own? If so try and look at the things in life that are not related to money, like if you’re a kind person, or can say you would always help
Rather than harm. It’s probably your recents split that’s making you feel bad, but this is a great opportunity to make a change, re-evaluate what YOU value. Maybe you’re judging yourself on what other people your parents value and now need to find your own groove. Good luck

This is a fascinating, if sad thread.

I'm pretty proud of what I've done with my life so far but all of it could be framed in different ways.

I'm proud of my degree, I worked damned hard and battled illness to achieve a 2;1. OR I barely scraped a 2i and did worse than most of my year group, which is hardly worth celebrating.

I bought a house, and it's mine and I've taken a garden full of weeds and transformed it into my little oasis, which took a lot of blood and sweat, but so far no tears. OR I only have a little terraced house, most people but houses so what's to be proud of really? And sure, you've sorted out the garden but you couldn't lay your own patio and it's still full of weeds and you can hardly keep on top of it.

My house stays quite tidy now, and it's clean because I pay a cleaner. I'm proud it's tidy. OR I still struggle to keep my house tidy and I can't even stay on top of my own cleaning, I have to pay someone. How pathetic is that???

I have a job in the NHS which has made a difference to people's lives and I've really done a good job supporting my organisation. And I'm proud of all the work I've done and it's been really really hard. OR I work in the NHS and I'm not even on the frontline. I've just spent a whole year behind a desk and I'm not going to be a household name or win an OBE so what's there to be proud of really?

I have lots of friends who I know can rely on me and me on them. I am close to my parents and am proud of both the friend and daughter that I am. OR I don't have a partner, I'll probably never get married and I can't even attract someone to have as a boyfriend, let alone partner. Nothing to be proud of here.
One is the narrative in my brain on a good to normal day. The other is if my brain is misbehaving. I can be proud of the life I've lived, of the work I do, and the person I am. Nobody's life is worse when I use narrative one instead of two. It's worth trying to change your internal narrative here I think.

That is very well described @Gladioli23!

You raised humans op, never forget this! That is an achievement.
The fact that any of us is here at all is a complete miracle.

I think there is a less intense emotion than pride, which is appreciation - appreciating what you have, not taking your health, your relationships for granted.

I think there is a less intense emotion than pride, which is appreciation - appreciating what you have, not taking your health, your relationships for granted.

To me gratitude for what we have/good fortune is almost the external passive version, whereas pride is relates to our choices or accomplishments. It really is fascinating to read some people have a threshold of being deserving of pride.

Change the way you think. I dropped out of uni the first time, had infertility so couldn’t have as many kids as i wanted. Vs. I got a professional job the kind of which even graduates in my field struggle to get, I have one beautiful dc who I am lucky to have.

You need to view yourself as worth it. If you can’t you will just teach your kids the same old shit.

Having a child with SEN who is finally this year, for the first year, 'meeting expectations' for her year group, is wonderful. I'm proud of her and myself for getting her there.

Average would be amazing.

And I think that's the heart of it. Achievable goals. Not wishing and hoping and judging myself against others. But picking goals I care about and getting there. I can't climb Everest but who cares? My kid can sit nicely at the table in a restaurant and not have electronics. That was a massive goal for me.