Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

AIBU?

'Friend' made a comment about my hair and I'm so fucking angry with her.

310 replies

LordOfTheThings · 09/08/2021 13:41

I'm a year post chemo. My hair has grown back but it's nowhere near as thick as it was before I lost it but it's ok, I'm still here so I can live with it.

I keep it quite short (long pixie type cut), partly because it's still not grown as much as I would have liked and partly because it starts to look even thinner if I try to grow it longer.

Friend, and I use the term loosely as she's really a friend of a friend said 'I much preferred your hair before, why do you keep it so short now I'm not sure you suit it'. I, being a fucking mug, just kind of mumbled a stupid reply and walked off and I'm so cross with myself. I think I was so taken aback.

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but I'm SO upset. I want to message her and tell her I think she was out of order but not sure if I'm just being super touchy?

OP posts:

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

2435 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

4%

You are NOT being unreasonable

96%

Comedycook · 09/08/2021 15:11

Does she know you had cancer?

If she didn't then it's a bit rude and clumsy.

If she did know, then she's an absolute bitch

Plumtree391 · 09/08/2021 15:18

@TheMarzipanDildo

Even if you hadn’t gone through chemo that would be extremely rude (unless you had the type of friendship where insulting each other is par for the course I suppose, but based on your reaction it is definitely not one of those!)

Yes, it is a personal remark whatever the circumstances. You just don't make personal comments to people, especially not those you don't know well.

diddl · 09/08/2021 15:19

Even if she didn't know about your treatment-so fucking what if she preferred your hair before & doesn't think that it suits you?

I'm coming from the assuption that you didn't ask her opinion.

It must be tempting to message her but I think I'd be inclined to try & give it no more headspace.

You don't have to explain anything to her.

user1471538283 · 09/08/2021 15:21

This is one of the worst things I have ever heard anyone say.

Even if she didn't know that you are a survivor it is none of her business how you wear your hair.

I would tell her why.

LordOfTheThings · 09/08/2021 15:25

She may genuinely have no idea of the reason why you keep it short so I’d try not to take too much offence at her comment

She absolutely did know.

Thanks all. I'm having a bit of a wobble today anyway, maybe on another day I'd have just shrugged it off.

OP posts:

diddl · 09/08/2021 15:26

So she knows why you keep it short but asked anyway?

Sounds horrible!

DowntonCrabby · 09/08/2021 15:28

She’s a thoughtless dick. I’m glad she’s just a loose friend OP and am sure you have some lovely, genuine, supportive people in your life.

Haywirecity · 09/08/2021 15:30

Does she know why you lost your hair? If not, then it's just helpful advice. I don't think there's anything wrong in saying you preferred a previous hairstyle - although I would never say someone didn't suit the present style. If she does know, then that's just thoughtless and very upsetting. I don't think you're a mug at all not to say anything. I'm not sure if you'd have been happy with anything you'd said in the heat of the moment, and you'd probably have ended up fretting over how you could have said it better afterwards.

I don't know if I'd bother addressing it, I'd probably just ease her out of my life. But if I did want to say something, I wouldn't be clever or rude or sarcastic. I would just say the honest truth of what I felt. That having struggled with cancer, and it's reoccurrence being constantly on my mind, her words had really upset me and knocked my self confidence. If she is a decent person, your words would have much more impact if she felt she had devastated you than if you were rude and sarcastic. Of course, if she's not a decent person, nothing you say will have an impact but then why bother having her in your life anyway. All the best for your ongoing recovery. x

3luckystars · 09/08/2021 15:32

I would not let her away with that.

Hope you are alright.

Mindyourbusiness22 · 09/08/2021 15:32

Get her told and bin her!

couchparsnip · 09/08/2021 15:34

@ChequerBoard

So sorry the 'friend' was such an insensitive clod. It's a shit thing to say to someone regardless of the circumstances. It's purely a comment designed to make you feel crap.

I would text something like:
"I'm not sure if you know but the reason my hair is short now and is thinner than it used to be is because I've been through breast cancer and chemo. People don't always make big changes like this through choice and your words really hurt. Perhaps you could think a bit before making comments about people's personal appearance in future."

This is perfect. I would say this.
She's maybe not aware that she caused hurt.

Haywirecity · 09/08/2021 15:34

Sorry, crossposted with your response that she did know. No one is ever going to think that she is anything other than rude, then. I still would be honest with why she had hurt me than be rude, though. In my experience that does have much more and a longer-lasting effect. (But if you gave her a punch on the nose - no one would blame you!)

meercat23 · 09/08/2021 15:35

I am so sorry that you have had to put up with this. How totally insensitive and nasty. To reassure you, your hair will in time come back to what it was. It took about 18 months before mine was remotely as it was before treatment but it did recover in the end.

HoppingPavlova · 09/08/2021 15:44

Some people never cease to amaze. This is no friend, do not waste the energy on this, cast her from your mind and works and move on. Sorry this happened to you.

ScribblingPixie · 09/08/2021 15:45

Even aside from the gross insensitivity of her ignoring your cancer treatment, that kind of rude remark about a haircut would upset almost any woman. Most of us don't have the hair we'd ideally like, especially as we get older. Just a bitchy thing to say full stop.

user16395699 · 09/08/2021 15:45

You shouldn't have to shrug off something like that.

xprincessxjanetx · 09/08/2021 15:50

I am astounded that someone could make such a thoughtless comment. Don't be cross with yourself for not standing up to her, I would have been taken aback as well and thought afterwards of all the things I wished i'd said. She definitely is no friend, I would avoid from now on.

JanetheObscure · 09/08/2021 15:53

Oh, OP, how awful. Hair can make people feel sensitive at the best of times (mine is a dreadful combination of fine and flat), let alone following chemo.

That was a truly, truly terrible remark from your "friend". There are no mitigating circumstances as, in the highly unlikely event that she briefly forgot that you've had chemo, it was still unforgivably rude of her.

Franklyfrost · 09/08/2021 15:53

It sounds like she doesn’t know why you keep your hair short and thinks that now your hair is back it’s back as thick as it was before. It was a thoughtless but innocent comment.

Lovemusic33 · 09/08/2021 15:56

She doesn’t sound like a good friend or she would know why your hair is short and she would have been more understanding.

You could message her and tell her you were a bit taken aback by what she said?

BTW, I have my hair very short due to being unwell (not cancer), my hair went really thin and I couldn’t grow it without it snapping off, I’m loving my pixie cut but also miss my long hair too. Last week the hairdresser cut it too short and I’m still a bit upset about it as it takes so long to grow but I’m getting used to it.

HaveringWavering · 09/08/2021 15:58

Unless you are specifically asked for an opinion, saying that you’re not sure someone’s hair suits them is bloody rude in any situation, even if they have not had cancer! Saying it knowing what she knew is unforgivably cruel. What does your mutual friend think?

LolaSmiles · 09/08/2021 16:01

What a horrible person she is.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

RedMarauder · 09/08/2021 16:01

Whether she knew you had cancer or not text her this -

"I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either"

She will then never unless she is completely an obtuse bitch ever make a personal comment about anybodies appearance again.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 09/08/2021 16:05

Honestly it never fails to shock me how utterly thoughtless and downright entitled some people are. I am so sorry this idiot upset you OP. xxx

LordOfTheThings · 09/08/2021 16:05

It sounds like she doesn’t know why you keep your hair short and thinks that now your hair is back it’s back as thick as it was before. It was a thoughtless but innocent comment.

@Franklyfrost she does know. She lives in the same village as I do and we've spoken in the past about my treatment.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.