'Friend' made a comment about my hair and I'm so fucking angry with her.

[LordOfTheThings]

I'm a year post chemo. My hair has grown back but it's nowhere near as thick as it was before I lost it but it's ok, I'm still here so I can live with it.

I keep it quite short (long pixie type cut), partly because it's still not grown as much as I would have liked and partly because it starts to look even thinner if I try to grow it longer.

Friend, and I use the term loosely as she's really a friend of a friend said 'I much preferred your hair before, why do you keep it so short now I'm not sure you suit it'. I, being a fucking mug, just kind of mumbled a stupid reply and walked off and I'm so cross with myself. I think I was so taken aback.

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but I'm SO upset. I want to message her and tell her I think she was out of order but not sure if I'm just being super touchy?

[meercat23]

@LordOfTheThings

She may genuinely have no idea of the reason why you keep it short so I’d try not to take too much offence at her comment

She absolutely did know.

Thanks all. I'm having a bit of a wobble today anyway, maybe on another day I'd have just shrugged it off.

Why should you have to shrug it off. As she knows what you have been through her comment was way beyond insensitive. I don't often get angry about things posted on here but I am angry for you at her5 comment.

[fumfspos]

Fucking hell. She is absolutely awful.
The first comment was bad enough.... and perhaps maybe she might have temporarily forgotten about the reason for your hair being like that but then you pulled her up on it and she then turned it around on you by saying "I didn't realize you were so sensitive about it"
What an absolute bitch.
Any decent person who had perhaps made the first comment a bit thoughtlessly would have written you a profuse apology and would have been mortified.

Ditch her. You do not need people like that in your life.

[IntermittentParps]

She's a twat. You gave her the chance to acknowledge and apologise and she chucked it back in your face.
Fuck her.
If you see her again, let her have it with both barrels.
And, not that this is the point, but I bet your hair looks lovely. (I have short hair too and am a big fan!)

[OnTheNatureOfDaylight]

One of my closest friends had breast cancer in her 30's, has had a double mastectomy and then later a hysterectomy.
Our other friends said to her..... " you're not really a woman anymore are you". This hurt my friend so much.

so thoughtless.

[LittleGwyneth]

I know this is a cliche, but she must be so, so, so deeply unhappy within herself to go around saying things like that to people. If you possibly can, try to find some pity for her. You've been through cancer and you've still got a better attitude and outlook than she has.

[Duchess379]

Omfg, what a dreadful woman! Congratulations on beating the big C. This female is dreadful & should keep her mouth shut. Not all of us have thick lustrous hair (especially after chemo) so we have to style it accordingly. I have very short pixie cut because my hair is 'skinny' & when it gets longer, it just gets ratty & looks unbrushed. Tell her to do one. x

[Viviennemary]

Shd probably doesn't know you have had treatment for cancer. I would give her the benefit of the doubt in case she doesn't know why your hair is now short. If she does know then I wouldn't bother communicating with her ever again.

[user1471538283]

Tell her these exact words! What is wrong with people? Even if we had not been sick it is none of her business!

[ItsNotNormalLove]

🚨 OLD THREAD ALERT 🚨 OP already dealt with this situation in August

[AryaStarkWolf]

oh my god that reply, what an absolute cunt, so sensitive about having fucking cancer? Ugh, i'd be cutting back on that one big time

[AryaStarkWolf]

@ItsNotNormalLove

🚨 OLD THREAD ALERT 🚨 OP already dealt with this situation in August

caught again!! What's with all this bumping lately so annoying

[RB68]

Its a simple response, yes I loved my hair but its not been the same since Chemo. People don't realise everything that is impacted as a result of chemo and radiotherapy. People can end up with severe nerve damage and difficulty walking, or more porous bones etc - although having said that hair is a more obvious one

[billy1966]

Absolutely shocking but her response to your text was even worse.

What a dreadful person.

I think you should tell your mutual friend if you haven'talready.

I would certainly want to know if someone I was friendly with was capable of such nastiness.
Let your friend decide.

I also would tell anyone and everyone what she said as a perfect example of now unkind some people can be.

She is a thundering disgrace.

I know this was 2 months ago, I hope you are feeling stronger.

[RincewindsHat]

I thought you were maybe BU as she may have just been an idiot, but after her response to your message it turns out she's actually a massive bitch with good helpings of insensitivity and stupidity on the side. You do not need that kind of energy in your life, block her and never bother with her again.

[derxa]

@LordOfTheThings

The thing is, I wasn't particularly 'sensitive' about it at the time. With everything else that was going on, it didn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it would. I thought it would devastate me and although I didn't exactly love it, my priority was kind of just not dying, so once I got over the shock, it was just one of those things that happens when you have some cancer treatments.

I just felt her comment was just really fucking mean (which I know sounds childish!). It bothered me more than it should have done I suppose.

OP it was fucking mean. I've had BC twice and the last time I elected not to have chemo because I just couldn't face it so you are much braver than me.
She may be one of these people who can't face up to illness and death. She may be trying to pretend that you haven't been ill. I wouldn't give her any more headroom. She's a drain on your energy.

[fitsandgiggles]

Send the message! She's hurt your feelings and if I was you I'd also be pissed off. People need to think before they speak, in the grand scheme of things who cares about your hair what she should be saying is your an amazingly strong woman who has beat cancer. Ps- I'm sure the pixie cut looks fab x

[Flowiththego]

It was an ignorant and insensitive comment and her reply doesn't help. The fact that she didn't immediately apologise and she put it on you (you're too sensitive!) shows how thick she is. Shrug it off and don't give her headspace

[KidneyNewName]

@ItsNotNormalLove

🚨 OLD THREAD ALERT 🚨 OP already dealt with this situation in August

Just to keep this top of the posts.

Was resolved in August (in the friend is clearly a dick so OP is swerving her in future)

[chaosmaker]

I would try not to waste any more of your time mulling over what this woman said to you. The only thing we can control is how we react to idiots others in life.

Congrats on your recovery :)

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@LordOfTheThings

Well I thought I'd update all you lovely lot.

I did message her last night and just said that I'd been a bit taken aback by her comment as I'd found it insensitive and hurtful, particularly as she knew my situation.

She read it last night but didn't respond til this afternoon with 'I'm sorry you felt that way, I didn't realise you were so sensitive about it'. I'm not responding because, quite frankly, I just can't.

I didn't tell our mutual friend because she's quite lovely and it's not her problem, I don't want her to feel in the middle of it. I just won't spend any more time in the other woman's company and if the reason why comes up, I'll tell her then I suppose.

I think I would text back - "I think what you MEANT to say was I'm sorry I was so insensitive and thoughtless - only a stone bitch would double down and suggest the fault lies with me for how I reacted and being 'too sensitive'. Still - I know how much you value me and our friendship now."

[Pottedpalm]

@Viviennemary

Shd probably doesn't know you have had treatment for cancer. I would give her the benefit of the doubt in case she doesn't know why your hair is now short. If she does know then I wouldn't bother communicating with her ever again.

Maybe read all the OP’s posts

[celan]

@Esspee

Have none of you ever said something that you later realised was insensitive but you had completely forgotten the other person’s history?

My great news at the moment is that at long last I am going to see my granddaughters.
I was writing to a friend who lives in that country and started with “I am so excited….” Thank goodness I reread my email before posting it. She lost her adult son within the last year. I was just so full of my own news.
The correspondence was hastily rewritten of course but I could have realised once the email had gone.

And what if you'd written and posted that letter and your friend had then written back to say she found it painful as - as you might remember - she recently lost her adult son?

Would you then say "sorry if you were upset, I didn't realise you'd be sensitive about it?"

Or would you apologise profusely?

(aka RTFT).

[KT727]

@Killahangilion

Sounds like you’re doing really well so try not to let a throwaway comment unsettle you so much.

The fact she asked ‘why do you keep it so short now?’ implies that;

1. she either doesn’t know you had Chemo,
2. doesn’t realise that hair can grow back differently or
3. maybe she’s just forgotten?

As you know her, if you think she was being a cunt, then definitely text her back quite curtly.

However, if you think it might have been a simple error of judgement, you could mention that you found her remark quite hurtful and explain why.

I’m definitely guilty of saying the wrong thing on occasion and only realising afterwards. Sometimes the moment has passed to be able to bring it up again and apologise.

I wondered if it might an accident? She didn't realise it affected hair in that way? It's rude anyway but that's what I'd think if giving her the benefit of the doubt.

[KT727]

WOW just read the update- totally unacceptable!!

[LaetitiaASD]

@Changechangychange

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either

Text that to her. She is either monumentally stupid, or a malicious bitch, and I wouldn’t want to stay friends with her either way.

"I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. I also preferred YOU in those lovely times before you because a thoughtless old cow."