'Friend' made a comment about my hair and I'm so fucking angry with her.

[LordOfTheThings]

I'm a year post chemo. My hair has grown back but it's nowhere near as thick as it was before I lost it but it's ok, I'm still here so I can live with it.

I keep it quite short (long pixie type cut), partly because it's still not grown as much as I would have liked and partly because it starts to look even thinner if I try to grow it longer.

Friend, and I use the term loosely as she's really a friend of a friend said 'I much preferred your hair before, why do you keep it so short now I'm not sure you suit it'. I, being a fucking mug, just kind of mumbled a stupid reply and walked off and I'm so cross with myself. I think I was so taken aback.

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but I'm SO upset. I want to message her and tell her I think she was out of order but not sure if I'm just being super touchy?

Does she know about your cancer? Either way it's rude, but gobsmackingly so if she does know.

I'd send a message saying what you did in your OP. Probably wouldn't bother to see them again either as it's just a friend of a friend.

What the fuck? How can someone be so insensitive at best and fucking rude at worst? I lost a lot of hair due to a health condition and had to cut it and my friends were nothing but reassuring. I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience and wish you all the best with your health

You aren’t being sensitive, that was a horrible and thoughtless thing to say. Does she know about your cancer?! Either way, you should tell her, maybe she will think before making stupid comments in future.

You have every reason to be upset at her thoughtless comment but don't let it get to you. If she repeats it then say what you want to say and hopefully she will apologise. Then put it out of your mind. Don't give her any more headspace. And best wishes for your continuing recovery.

Everyone is aware of hair loss, and all other awful things that happen if a person has been through cancer treatment.. This person does not have any notion of all things obviously, and has to be pitied about her lack of knowledge, and rude comments.

what a cow bag. My friend had a double mastectomy and her reconstructive surgery went very well. She looks gorgeous in a bikini but is still traumatised about it all. One person discussed how her husband had been talking about her boobs and kept commenting on them in a negative way. FFS 🤦‍♀️

Does she actually know though?

I mean its an insensitive and silly thing to say even if she doesn't but a massive massive difference. If she knows she's poisonous and you should let her have both barrels. If she doesn't know its a bit different.

Even without the context of chemo, it’s incredibly rude to offer an unsolicited negative comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you’re not close friends.

If she’s aware of the context then she’s both very stupid as well as incredibly rude.

It just mystifies me. Yep, it might be a monumental foot in mouth moment but only if you go around giving your negative opinion on how other people look. I mean why would you say anything about another womens hair other to compliment it?

Ah I'm sorry OP. You'd think in this day and age people would learn not to make unsolicited comments about people's appearances!

I'd text her, both for my own satisfaction and also maybe to make her think before doing something similar in future, the gobshite.

I bet your hair looks ace, and I really hope you stay cancer-free

@BalloonSlayer

It might not have occurred to her. Why not text and say "Dear x, the reason my hair looks different is the effect of the chemotherapy I had for my cancer. LordoftheThings" (no kisses)

I think this is perfect

@ChequerBoard

So sorry the 'friend' was such an insensitive clod. It's a shit thing to say to someone regardless of the circumstances. It's purely a comment designed to make you feel crap.

I would text something like:
"I'm not sure if you know but the reason my hair is short now and is thinner than it used to be is because I've been through breast cancer and chemo. People don't always make big changes like this through choice and your words really hurt. Perhaps you could think a bit before making comments about people's personal appearance in future."

This. People need to be aware of the consequences of flippant and thoughtless remarks.

Hope you’re ok OP

If she had a lot more thought and compassion she’d be a bloody narcissist.

It's possible she might have completely forgotten? I appreciate that's still bloody rude but perhaps she's completely self absorbed.

Send an email back to remind her you had cancer and chemo and are still recovering and hopefully she'll be completely mortified.

God why can't people just keep their stupid comments to themselves! Id say if you haven't got anything nice to say then just shut up.

@ChequerBoard

So sorry the 'friend' was such an insensitive clod. It's a shit thing to say to someone regardless of the circumstances. It's purely a comment designed to make you feel crap.

I would text something like:
"I'm not sure if you know but the reason my hair is short now and is thinner than it used to be is because I've been through breast cancer and chemo. People don't always make big changes like this through choice and your words really hurt. Perhaps you could think a bit before making comments about people's personal appearance in future."

This.

Plus sending a huge virtual hug. The impact of the legacy of cancer and the cruelty of the treatment cannot be underestimated. You’re living with that everyday.

Oh god, tell her. There are some things that need to be said, and this is not a Take the High Road situation.

I’ve been thinking about your comment about preferring my hair before and how it being short doesn’t suit me. Did you forget I’ve had chemo to treat cancer? Do you think it might be possible I’d prefer my hair a different way, or any number of things I can no longer have? You may have spoken without thinking, but it upset me. If we’re in the business of offering unsolicited opinions, I’d let you know that if you can’t say anything nice say nothing at all might be a phrase you could think about.

As I get older I get less intolerant. I would be messaging her, telling her how upset she has made me feel with her inconsiderate comment, that you would love longer hair, two breasts and no cancer worried, but that’s not the case. I would finish I am telling you this and asking you to be more considerate when talking to anyone as you don’t know their circumstances and I would,don’t want them to feel as shit as I do because of something you said

Yes, do tell her

My mums on her 6th bout of chemo in 5 years.

She's rarely had 3 months where her hair had grown back and yes it was thinner.

Now it's just a grey whispy covering and remains that way mostly!

Of course she'd prefer to have her hair. Even tried a wig for a bit but hated it. Also bandanas etc.

But like you she's come to accept that it's a pay off for being here (her cancer is terminal).

That woman is a complete cow. It's never ok to assume anyone is choosing the way they look and if they have made to choice to openly judge them on it.

The only time you comment is (for example) if someone cuts their hair short and asks if you prefer it that way or how it was before.

Wishing you positive thoughts for clear scans going forward.

Op can you look at the positive, clearly she doesn’t recognise your hair is thinner, so she’s thinking it’s just a style choice.

On the flip side, yes of course what a stupid insensitive thing to say to someone.

I’m so sorry about your cancer and hope you stay healthy for a great many years. 💐

Maybe she genuinely thinks you have a choice of growing it back to how it was before the cancer? In which case you could explain why you have it they length you do.

I had similar - a ‘friend’ in my kitchen asked me what made me decide to grow my hair curly!?!

Effing cancer - that’s what! Have not seen her since. How can you even grow your hair curly?

I said it was the chemo curl, but didn’t say anything else! Just never saw her again.

I’m so sorry you had to encounter such a thoughtless and nasty situation after everything you’ve been through OP

Of course she was out of order and you have every right to be upset. You are not being touchy at all.

Blessings to you and I hope you stay cancer free