'Friend' made a comment about my hair and I'm so fucking angry with her.

[LordOfTheThings]

I'm a year post chemo. My hair has grown back but it's nowhere near as thick as it was before I lost it but it's ok, I'm still here so I can live with it.

I keep it quite short (long pixie type cut), partly because it's still not grown as much as I would have liked and partly because it starts to look even thinner if I try to grow it longer.

Friend, and I use the term loosely as she's really a friend of a friend said 'I much preferred your hair before, why do you keep it so short now I'm not sure you suit it'. I, being a fucking mug, just kind of mumbled a stupid reply and walked off and I'm so cross with myself. I think I was so taken aback.

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but I'm SO upset. I want to message her and tell her I think she was out of order but not sure if I'm just being super touchy?

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

You're not being oversensitive. I've been through breast cancer & I was so relieved to be just under the threshold for chemo. I know that I couldn't have faced any of it, & I'm in awe of anyone who does it. You're a heroine in my eyes.

[onelittlefrog]

If she knew about the chemo then it's incredibly insensitive and rude.

If she didn't know about it, I still think it's rude. I wouldn't expect to hear that kind of comment from anyone other than a very close friend or family member, and it sounds like she is neither.

[mistermagpie]

I wouldn't even say that to someone who hadn't had cancer, people can do what they like with their hair, 100% of them aren't deciding on a style just for my enjoyment.

But given that you have had cancer she is ridiculously rude. My friend currently has no hair due to breast cancer treatment and I can't imagine saying that to her, it would be so rude and insensitive.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

100% message her. Even if the change hadn’t been as a result of losing your hair through chemo - for you - it’s an incredibly rude thing to say to someone. As it was a result of chemo, it was rude, thoughtless, hurtful and bitchy!

[Fromage]

I'm assuming she knew about the cancer. If the last sentence of your OP was "Anyway, I went over to her house yesterday and punched her in the face, WIBU?" I would still have voted YANBU.

What a stupid woman. What kind of raised-by-vermin dickhead would say anyone looked better with a different hairstyle, or make up, or anything? i mean, under ANY circumstances?

YANBU YANBU YANBU

[MythicalBiologicalFennel]

Well does she know you've had cancer or not?

I made a similar comment once to a relative of a relative that I hadn't seen in about a year. In my case it was more like "you have cut your hair, it looks nice". She promptly and kindly explained it was due to chemo. I had no idea she'd had cancer. She wasn't offended or anything but I wished the earth would open and swallow me and still remember 20 years on.

In either scenario your friend's comment was rude and mean IMO.

[MoonlightWanderer]

My hairdresser said to be, “Oh, I bet you really hate having curly hair”. I don’t actually. It’s hard work but I love my curls. No one should make rude comments about other people’s appearance.

I would text her that you found her comment really rude and insensitive.

[PeachyLife]

All the names the ladies call her here apply so I won't repeat them. BUT I think it's best for you now to always ignore dumb and insensitive comments. Just so not worth your time. You are still here, you deserve to feel only positive things and have peace of mind. It will greatly help in your recovery. Really, just walk away. You owe no one any explanation unless you want to clarify it because that person is important to you. Other than that, no. I wish you speedy recovery and sending you healing thoughts.

[BrutusMcDogface]

@MrsHamlet

My best friend has cancer. She has no hair at the moment.
Given the choice, I'd prefer her to have hair. But I'd rather she be as bald as a coot to try to kill the cancer.

I know this was well intentioned, but YOU’D rather she had hair?! For goodness sake.

OP- she’s a complete bitch because cancer aside, you don’t comment like that on someone’s appearance! Send her the text and never see her again.

[QueenBee52]

This has to be close to the worst Thread I ever read ...

Im so sorry @LordOfTheThings

what a stupid insensitive callous comment..

even if she doesn't know about your treatment .. NOBODY can be this insensitive .. to not question that there might be something else going on that is affecting someones hair and health..

Shocking stupid woman needs a bloody rude awakening 🌸

[Justcallmebebes]

Is there a possibility she doesn't know your history and that you're recovering from cancer? Or she's just one of these people who doesn't think before she speaks?

I'm hoping that what she said was just thoughtless and there was no malice behind it

[Fromage]

I read MrsHamlet's post to mean that she would rather her friend had hair because her friend would want to have hair.

[mam0918]

I would assume she was ignorant rather than deliberately malicous like many seem to assume.

[OaxacaChihuahua]

What an insensitive bitch. I’m so sorry - she should have had some basic fucking sense / empathy.

[MrsHamlet]

@Fromage

I read MrsHamlet's post to mean that she would rather her friend had hair because her friend would want to have hair.

Absolutely that's what I meant.

[Plumtree391]

I am so very sorry.

As she is a friend of a friend, does she know you have had chemo?

[Flossatops]

What an absolute cow! I think we've all come across people who just can't stop spiteful little comments coming out of their big mouths. Deep down they don't like themselves and have to pass it on to others to feel better about themselves.
Do whatever would make you feel better - let her know how you feel, rise above it or let your mutual friend know that she's really p'd you off, but don't give her the time of day again. What you've come through is empowering and you're a much bigger person than she'll ever be.

[TheGlassBlowersDaughter]

I'm usually a big advocate of letting things go but I absolutely think you should message her. Either she doesn't know or she's a bitch but your message applies perfectly in either case.

[DrSbaitso]

Yes, I think you'd be more than reasonable to say something.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

[Killahangilion]

Sounds like you’re doing really well so try not to let a throwaway comment unsettle you so much.

The fact she asked ‘why do you keep it so short now?’ implies that;

1. she either doesn’t know you had Chemo,
   
2. doesn’t realise that hair can grow back differently or
   
3. maybe she’s just forgotten?
   

As you know her, if you think she was being a cunt, then definitely text her back quite curtly.

However, if you think it might have been a simple error of judgement, you could mention that you found her remark quite hurtful and explain why.

I’m definitely guilty of saying the wrong thing on occasion and only realising afterwards. Sometimes the moment has passed to be able to bring it up again and apologise.

[DarlingFell]

@LtDansleg

She may genuinely have no idea of the reason why you keep it short so I’d try not to take too much offence at her comment, even though it’s a stupid and insensitive comment to make either way.

Erm... even if the OP had not had cancer, making such an unbelievably negative and bloody rude comment about someone's appearance is so bloody out of order. What sort of clueless twat makes comments like that?

My sister used to have short hair. I didn't like it much, prefer her with a bob to be honest. Did I tell her this? No, of course not, as I have 'a clue' about how to conduct myself.

[TheMarzipanDildo]

Even if you hadn’t gone through chemo that would be extremely rude (unless you had the type of friendship where insulting each other is par for the course I suppose, but based on your reaction it is definitely not one of those!)

[Kanaloa]

Did she know the situation? If she didn’t know you had cancer then she’s a rude cow. If she did know, she’s utterly malicious and cruel.

I’m so sorry she would say something so rude. I would take some comfort that she’s probably a very bitter and jealous person who picks at others to make herself look better.

I think lots of women look pretty with pixies and short cuts, I bet you look lovely and she’s just rude and nasty.

[stepupandbecounted]

It would be a cold day in hell before I saw her again in your position.

You know more than anyone how precious life is, don't waste another second on her. What an insensitive thing to say, even without the cancer element. You deserve to have decent friends that love you op, she ain't one of them well done to you coming through such a difficult time, I bet your pixie cut looks beautiful.

[blahblahblah321]

She's a bitch