'Friend' made a comment about my hair and I'm so fucking angry with her.

[LordOfTheThings]

I'm a year post chemo. My hair has grown back but it's nowhere near as thick as it was before I lost it but it's ok, I'm still here so I can live with it.

I keep it quite short (long pixie type cut), partly because it's still not grown as much as I would have liked and partly because it starts to look even thinner if I try to grow it longer.

Friend, and I use the term loosely as she's really a friend of a friend said 'I much preferred your hair before, why do you keep it so short now I'm not sure you suit it'. I, being a fucking mug, just kind of mumbled a stupid reply and walked off and I'm so cross with myself. I think I was so taken aback.

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but I'm SO upset. I want to message her and tell her I think she was out of order but not sure if I'm just being super touchy?

Ah, I just want to send you healing love; there's no dealing with wilfully ignorant.
Write your piece, maybe for your own sense of venting, and feel the solidarity on here, let us hold you up when others try to knock you down.
Hopes for continued recovery 💜

It's a terrible thing to say to anyone. You are not being over sensitive. Normally I wouldn't make a fuss, but I really think she needs it pointing out to her how hurtful she has been, if you feel strong enough.

@Changechangychange

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either

Text that to her. She is either monumentally stupid, or a malicious bitch, and I wouldn’t want to stay friends with her either way.

Exactly this ^

@whatsthataboutthen that's awful. What's wrong with some people.

You are completely justified and I'm shocked and outraged too.

@whatsthataboutthen

I have been in exactly the same position as you OP, also after chemo for breast cancer. People say the most ridiculous things.

You are correct in that it comes back differently, the shape of the hair follicle changes during chemo but it should change back and then it'll grow back.

In my case it grew back quite grey due to the shock of chemo drugs etc.

I'll never forget bravely posting my image when I was almost finished treatment, after 15 long months and during which i had lost all my hair including eyebrows and eyelashes. My head hair was starting to come back, and it was grey. Posted on FB with an image of me hooked up to my last chemo to say "nearly there, I am nearly there, not looking my best but I'm alive."

So called "friend" posted in reply on FB: "looking quite grey there, getting old now?"

I was 39.

And so bloody pissed off with her.

A year later the cancer came back and I was in intensive care for six weeks. Left hospital middle of December.

The same "friend" complained that I hadn't printed out any photos of my children to include in her Christmas card that year .."where are my photos of the children? Not sending their Christmas presents til I get them."

Never spoke to her again.

That is genuinely shocking. I don't understand how someone can be this selfish and oblivious. What a self absorbed twat.

What a cow
If I were you I'd want to message her and tell her what you said to us.....

Assuming she knew you'd had cancer ???

YANBU

At best it was thoughtless. At worst it was cruel. Either way, it was a shitty thing to say.

I remember my friend going through chemo and she lost her poker straight, almost black, elbow length hair. It grew back grey and curly. I remember the first time I saw her after her recovery and I just cried because she looked so utterly beautiful and well after seeing her so ill. I'm teary just writing this as I cannot imagine what kind of sick bitch could think, let alone say, something like this to a cancer survivor. She doesn't deserve your kindness or time. Text her and tell her what you wrote here and then ignore her existence. Return flowers if she sends some (doesn't sound like she's the type, but you never know), blank her if you see her in the village. Ignore/block calls ant messages. You do not need poison like this in your life, you've literally had a titful. Wishing you all the very best in your recovery, lovely

@whatsthataboutthen

I have been in exactly the same position as you OP, also after chemo for breast cancer. People say the most ridiculous things.

You are correct in that it comes back differently, the shape of the hair follicle changes during chemo but it should change back and then it'll grow back.

In my case it grew back quite grey due to the shock of chemo drugs etc.

I'll never forget bravely posting my image when I was almost finished treatment, after 15 long months and during which i had lost all my hair including eyebrows and eyelashes. My head hair was starting to come back, and it was grey. Posted on FB with an image of me hooked up to my last chemo to say "nearly there, I am nearly there, not looking my best but I'm alive."

So called "friend" posted in reply on FB: "looking quite grey there, getting old now?"

I was 39.

And so bloody pissed off with her.

A year later the cancer came back and I was in intensive care for six weeks. Left hospital middle of December.

The same "friend" complained that I hadn't printed out any photos of my children to include in her Christmas card that year .."where are my photos of the children? Not sending their Christmas presents til I get them."

Never spoke to her again.

Fucking hell. Words fail me

I am so sorry you were subjected to her ignorance. She is an absolutely vile person. Please don't let it upset you and overthink it. l know how much it must hurt.

Clearly nowhere near the level of inappropriateness given your particular circumstances, but I find having short hair seems to invite unnecessary feedback. I've had short hair since I was 30 and a number of friends still feel the need to comment on it, particularly male friends who tell me they preferred me with long hair. I feel a little like saying, guess what, I preferred you without wrinkles, a receding hairline and a male paunch. But I wouldn't as there is no need to make negative comments on others' appearance.

I'm pretty relaxed about most things but I don't understand why being female and having short hair results in receiving unsolicited feedback. It's bizarre.

And yes, massively insensitive of your friend.

@dft6432

Clearly nowhere near the level of inappropriateness given your particular circumstances, but I find having short hair seems to invite unnecessary feedback. I've had short hair since I was 30 and a number of friends still feel the need to comment on it, particularly male friends who tell me they preferred me with long hair. I feel a little like saying, guess what, I preferred you without wrinkles, a receding hairline and a male paunch. But I wouldn't as there is no need to make negative comments on others' appearance.

I'm pretty relaxed about most things but I don't understand why being female and having short hair results in receiving unsolicited feedback. It's bizarre.

And yes, massively insensitive of your friend.

particularly male friends who tell me they preferred me with long hair.

Ugh why do they think we care what they think. Some random comment man said to me recently that ‘men prefer women who are a bit tanned’ like I care about what Derek from accounts thinks of my natural skin colour

I feel a little like saying, guess what, I preferred you without wrinkles, a receding hairline and a male paunch.

This is brilliant, stealing this.

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda I'm so sorry you went through that. All of it.

I do have to say that I can't think of anyone else throughout the whole cancer shit show who wasn't just wonderful. She's just really hurt my feelings.

I'm going to message her, I'm just trying to think what to say.

I personally wouldnt message her. Why bother your energy. She isnt a close friend, and seems to have foot in mouth syndrome.
You wont make her feel bad, if she had an ounce of compassion shed have said nothing at all.
Not a true friend, dont waste your time and gather your real friends around.

[quote LordOfTheThings]@BalladOfBarryAndFreda I'm so sorry you went through that. All of it.

I do have to say that I can't think of anyone else throughout the whole cancer shit show who wasn't just wonderful. She's just really hurt my feelings.

I'm going to message her, I'm just trying to think what to say.[/quote]
Oh, it wasn’t me, @LordOfTheThings, I quoted @whatsthataboutthen’s experience

So sorry that the cancer happened to you and this was a horrible reminder of what has changed in your life.
It really is okay to message her, not least because if you don’t next time you see her you’ll want to ignore her or punch her and she needs to know why. Even if a friend had changed their hair normally not through cancer, you don’t tell someone that!

@LordOfTheThings I think you have been fortunate in ONLY having one friend who has pissed you off during your treatment to be honest! Most people it's not intentional, they struggle what to say and so blurt something out not realising how hurtful it is.

Eg when my hair was just coming back, and I was fed up of wearing wigs and hats and hair scarves, I had an appt at the cancer hospital. Big cancer specialist hospital in London. I thought to myself "they won't stare or even bat an eyelid at my very very short re-growing hair because they will be used to breast cancer patients and other chemo patients like myself coming in bald or with short regrow that". So I took a deep breath, and got out of the car and went into the hospital without a wig on. First time being "out" in public as an obvious cancer patient.

I go to reception. Receptionist at this big cancer hospital looks up at me and says.....

"Yes, how can I help you Sir?"

O.M.G

I thought to myself, "don't cry" and said with steel in my voice "I have an appointment and its not Sir, it's Madam...."

To be fair she was utterly embarrassed, I like to think she went home horrified that night and learnt her lesson!

Worse are the people who "don't know what to say" ....so don't say anything at all. I remember the years before my diagnosis I had offered my home to a friend and her husband and two year old child who had very full on SEN....didn't sleep, cried a lot, needed a lot on input. They were having building work done and my friend said she was allergic to dust so I offered to host them for the two weeks they needed. They then stayed four weeks. We moved on from that. The next year I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer.....mastectomy,,,,nasty chemo...radiotherapy....cellulitis....sepsis....nearly died.

I emailed her straight away. She replied "oh no"....and then I didn't hear from her AT ALL for the whole 15 months of treatment. When it was all over she bumped into me in the pub and pretended to be my friend again.

There were others like that. Fair weather friends. I learnt that it was more to do with them (eg I reminded them of a hurtful loss of someone from cancer) than to do with me,

But for the love of god, if anyone is reading this and has a friend going through cancer treatment, pick up the phone or text them once in a while; it is a long lonely road.

Having said that I also had people who were previously Only acquaintances who really stepped up, and lots of friends who were, and remain, absolutely terrific.

But some people are just really poor at considering other people's feelings.

I hope you find the right words to text her. My mum would have been mortified if someone had said that to her as she hated her hair short and (as you know) it never was the same again.

She definitely isn't a friend

OP that is shocking. So glad you're going to message her. What an awful person

@LordOfTheThings

I'm a year post chemo. My hair has grown back but it's nowhere near as thick as it was before I lost it but it's ok, I'm still here so I can live with it.

I keep it quite short (long pixie type cut), partly because it's still not grown as much as I would have liked and partly because it starts to look even thinner if I try to grow it longer.

Friend, and I use the term loosely as she's really a friend of a friend said 'I much preferred your hair before, why do you keep it so short now I'm not sure you suit it'. I, being a fucking mug, just kind of mumbled a stupid reply and walked off and I'm so cross with myself. I think I was so taken aback.

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but I'm SO upset. I want to message her and tell her I think she was out of order but not sure if I'm just being super touchy?

Jesus OP, first how amazing that you've gone through treatment successfully. After everything you've been through, that woman says what she says? You should send her a reply with the blunt honest truth about what a nasty peace of work she is, then block her.

That’s hugely insensitive! I can’t believe she didn’t realise how below the belt that comment was. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life . Forget her nasty woman. X

WTAF?

I have had cancer and a few people made very innocent comments that could be construed as offensive by some - I always let it go because I knew they didn't mean any harm, plus they were the sort of dickhead things I might have said if the tables had been turned

But to say something like that? I would be really upset and to be honest I think I would have to tell her as well. What a bitch, why say something like that?

I couldn't read and run on this thread. I'd drop the "friend", your mental and physical health are more important than this woman and her daft "opinion". Take care of yourself xxx

She sounds a bit thick.
Or rather very thick.

I would text her levelling and calmly “just to reply to your comments earlier about my hair: you are right, I did prefer it before, but thinner hair that grows more slowly is the price of the chemotherapy I endured. I feel extremely sensitive about it, but then my hair is not my biggest concern in the face of cancer” and if she has a shred of decency and sensitivity she will be mortified, apologise and bring flowers.

If she doesn’t, you know she is both thick and nasty.

I would mention it to the friend you have in common, too.

I am sorry you are dealing with this OP, sorry you are having a raw day, and very sorry that you have idiots like this making arses of themselves in your life.