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Original poster

'Friend' made a comment about my hair and I'm so fucking angry with her.

310 replies

LordOfTheThings · 09/08/2021 13:41

I'm a year post chemo. My hair has grown back but it's nowhere near as thick as it was before I lost it but it's ok, I'm still here so I can live with it.

I keep it quite short (long pixie type cut), partly because it's still not grown as much as I would have liked and partly because it starts to look even thinner if I try to grow it longer.

Friend, and I use the term loosely as she's really a friend of a friend said 'I much preferred your hair before, why do you keep it so short now I'm not sure you suit it'. I, being a fucking mug, just kind of mumbled a stupid reply and walked off and I'm so cross with myself. I think I was so taken aback.

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but I'm SO upset. I want to message her and tell her I think she was out of order but not sure if I'm just being super touchy?

OP posts:
echt · 14/10/2021 05:54

MrsHamlet My best friend has cancer. She has no hair at the moment. Given the choice, I'd prefer her to have hair. But I'd rather she be as bald as a coot to try to kill the cancer

Not much of a friend if her hair status even makes your thought process

Talk about missing the point. The poster was being kind. And by the way, do you have complete control over your thoughts? Clue - no, you don't.

echt · 14/10/2021 05:54

Two minds with but a single thought!!!

snapasnap · 14/10/2021 06:22

I'm sure you look beautiful.

People can be very insensitive. You got ill, you survived, and now you have a whole life to live. Go enjoy it, and leave people like her behind. You're worth so much more.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 14/10/2021 06:27

She is an exceedingly rude cunt. You are a brave heroic soul OP and are gorgeous and just perfect whatever your hair style Flowers.

dustofneptune · 14/10/2021 06:34

I just felt her comment was just really fucking mean (which I know sounds childish!).
It WAS really fucking mean. It's NOT childish IN THE SLIGHTEST.
She needs telling!

It bothered me more than it should have done I suppose.
More than it should have done?
No. No no no no!
Of COURSE it bothered you.
It's upsetting enough when someone feels the need to comment on a person's appearance ("Oh, I preferred your hair brown" "What have you done to your hair?" "You're so skinny" "Lockdown gains? lol") - but this situation is something else entirely.

She's gaslighting you, trying to minimise your feelings because she's embarrassed at being called out on what she said. That's all that's happening.

You're a badass, OP. Congratulations on being alive and getting through this!! AND on having the balls to call someone on their shit!

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 14/10/2021 06:43

Her comment was very mean, and her response to your text is also mean and hurtful and insensitive. I would have nothing to do with her ever again.

You are definitely NOT being over sensitive. Flowers

Auroreforet · 14/10/2021 06:48

She is mean because she’s putting the blame on you for being sensitive.

She should have replied
I’m really sorry. What I said was insensitive. I should think more before I open my mouth.

Newforestdonkey · 14/10/2021 06:55

OP, I think that you should give us all her phone number, and when she cries because of the messages you can tell her that she’s a bit too sensitive…

You are a fighter, she clearly has no idea of how strong you are.

Whinginadeville · 14/10/2021 06:56

This is stupidity not bitchiness you are just targeting her with your own frustration and anger at your losses.

MamsellMarie · 14/10/2021 06:59

I would say she was just ignorant. I'm coming up to treatment op etc and I've told people what is happening, about to happen and they are truly clueless. As I was. If I'd been more clued up I would have probably caught the tumour earlier so feel I need to inform people so they are making sure they get their check ups etc.

I think she probably forgot entirely what you've gone through. people gossip about so and so has cancer but then forget about it, particularly if time has passed. She made the comment without remembering why your hair was short.
Now she doesn't want to admit she'd totally forgotten your illness and treatment so blames you for being too sensitive rather than admit it had completely gone from her mind (when obviously it was a huge deal for you).

ChaToilLeam · 14/10/2021 07:10

She’s either stupid, or monumentally insensitive, or an absolute bitch, or all of the above. Either way, sounds like she adds nothing positive to your life. Congratulations on your recovery from cancer. ❤️‍🩹

SunshineCake1 · 14/10/2021 07:21

@echt

MrsHamlet My best friend has cancer. She has no hair at the moment. Given the choice, I'd prefer her to have hair. But I'd rather she be as bald as a coot to try to kill the cancer

Not much of a friend if her hair status even makes your thought process

Talk about missing the point. The poster was being kind. And by the way, do you have complete control over your thoughts? Clue - no, you don't.

And talk about missing my apology when I realised I had misread. But you carry on.
Roselilly36 · 14/10/2021 07:22

I am so sorry OP, what a thoughtless comment that woman made., I am sure you look lovely, you are a survivor, hair is so bloody unimportant with all you must have gone through. I can’t believe that someone would be so callous in the circumstances. But there are some right weirdo’s out there. All the best for the future OP.

TrishM80 · 14/10/2021 07:42

What a thing to say to someone who's come out of chemo. OP, I wouldn't even reply to her, don't waste your energy. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself that there are some monumentally stupid people in the world, and there's no point giving them headspace.

merrymouse · 14/10/2021 07:44

Even if your hair was just short because you like short hair, the comment was rude.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 14/10/2021 07:51

Oh, love. You sound magnificent, dealing with everything you have done. I haven't had cancer, but I've always had a bald spot due to long term health issues. To the (rare) dicks who feel entitled to comment on it, I always respond briskly, "Grass doesn't grow on a busy street!"

Clearly there is little to no electrical activity passing between this woman's ears.

Spend your time with radiators, not drains OP, and if you need to explain why you don't wish to spend time in her company then do so. You owe her nothing.

I wish you all the best. 💐

TreborBore · 14/10/2021 08:01

That’s unspeakably awful of her. Flowers

Timetoretiretospain · 14/10/2021 08:02

@Changechangychange

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either

Text that to her. She is either monumentally stupid, or a malicious bitch, and I wouldn’t want to stay friends with her either way.

I agree
Pottedpalm · 14/10/2021 08:02

She is totally self centred. A non-aplogy and total focus on herself.
I lost a lot of weight during brutal cancer treatment and was floored by someone who commented ‘you needed to lose weight anyway!’. Utterly insensitive.

Esspee · 14/10/2021 08:03

Have none of you ever said something that you later realised was insensitive but you had completely forgotten the other person’s history?

My great news at the moment is that at long last I am going to see my granddaughters.
I was writing to a friend who lives in that country and started with “I am so excited….” Thank goodness I reread my email before posting it. She lost her adult son within the last year. I was just so full of my own news.
The correspondence was hastily rewritten of course but I could have realised once the email had gone.

WinterCarlisle · 14/10/2021 08:08

She is a massive cunty bellend x

Pottedpalm · 14/10/2021 08:09

@Esspee and if you had sent it, and she replied that she was upset, what would your response be?

merrymouse · 14/10/2021 08:13

@Esspee

Have none of you ever said something that you later realised was insensitive but you had completely forgotten the other person’s history?

My great news at the moment is that at long last I am going to see my granddaughters.
I was writing to a friend who lives in that country and started with “I am so excited….” Thank goodness I reread my email before posting it. She lost her adult son within the last year. I was just so full of my own news.
The correspondence was hastily rewritten of course but I could have realised once the email had gone.

When is it sensitive to say "Your haircut doesn't suit you"?
Backtomyoldname · 14/10/2021 08:15

Those who have had cancer will get your situation, thoughts and feelings. They’ve been there/still are there.

Many who haven’t had cancer are empathetic enough to get your situation, thoughts and feelings. They will react with you accordingly.

Some don’t.

Some people are arses.

This person fits into the latter two categories.

Esspee · 14/10/2021 08:23

[quote Pottedpalm]@Esspee and if you had sent it, and she replied that she was upset, what would your response be?[/quote]
Abject apologies.