Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

[notonyournelleee]

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you

I think for a normal meal I'd agree with you but I think for a birthday meal commenting on others drinking and fussing over £40 is tacky really.

I over pay at people's birthdays when they order shots/desserts/bottle of something even if I am not partaking I split cost, it's their celebration. I am sure you are going to drip feed she only bought you a potato for your last birthday though.

But no one else was over paying to cover the birthday girls food, why should OP be the only one? If that was the arrangement though then you could still split it in a way where she chipped in for the birthday girls meal and drinks but didn't cover the entire party's alcohol bill

I think very rude of her to text you about this, you paid for your meal and left a generous tip, what's the problem?

I have close friends who don't drink for various reasons including previous issues with alcohol and being a devout Muslim. I would never expect them to subsidise my drinking. I don't think your reasons for not drinking matter, it's not something you do so why should you pay for the others to?

The only thing may be how it was handled, if someone made a big fuss about how they weren't going to pay for others' booze, that might spoil the mood slightly. If it was said with a smile and a quick request for the waiter to work out your contribution then split the rest then she is out of order.

@GoldenBlue

It's always the ones that benefit that suggest splitting the bill isn't it? Those of you that don't mind splitting the bill, is it because it's normally in your favour or no particular difference? Or do you consciously choose to subsidise your friends bills?

Actually, I don't think its to do with trying to make people subsidise them.

I think there's a correlation between being financially comfortable enough to not be too worried about potentially paying a bit more than your exact spend (hence happy to split), and being financially comfortable enough to order whatever you want to eat and drink without paying too much mind to how expensive it is.

So people who are well off are happy to split and happy to order more expensive things if they fancy, because the cost is no biggie to them.

The problem comes when there's a mismatch in finances across the table, and you have someone deliberately choosing cheap food and drink while others are just eating and drinking what they fancy.

Despite what many on here think, I doubt it's deliberate CFery. More just people with money not recognising when others have more limited means.

Most people who are financially comfortable really don't mind paying an extra £10/£20/£30 + on occasion if they are out having a good night.

In my group, we're all financially comfortable, all happy to split, and all order give or take the same value of food/drink. And if there is a difference, it's swings and roundabouts - I might fancy steak one night when Bob has pasta, but equally I might fancy salad one night when Bob has lobster. So it evens out in the end. The only exception is when its an alcohol heavy evening, and there is a non-drinker amongst us, particularly if they regularly don't drink.

YANBU.

I don't drink alcohol because of medication I'm on and it's always those who drink the most alcohol that want to split the bill. I'm fine if it's a few quid over but there's no way I'm paying double my bill because of their drinking

Yanbu, I don't drink and I wouldn't be happy paying for drinks that I hadn't drank myself.

I’ve found this with certain people and I’ve binned people over it.

Went on a ‘date’ last week he suggested splitting the bill it was £37 I gave him £20 and he pocketed it and then I said what about a tip and got out a £10 note and asked him if he had anything smaller. He said no very reluctantly as he had already paid on a card (so no tip left and I had paid over half) and he took the £10 note I had taken out of my bag and pocketed that too I raised my jaw and said no I’m not paying £30 towards a joint £37 meal and held out my hand out - he then muttered about penny pinchers and I binned him on the way out. He’s asked to meet again and I said not a chance in hell.

I binned a friend who always went to the toilet when it came time to pay - always - we asked for the bill she then went to the toilet then 4 th time she did it I waited 20 minutes for her to come back the bill was like £30 and she said she only had £10 I said ok put it on the table. I said going forward that if she wanted to invite me for dinner out she had to pay her own costs - we never went again.

I binned my best friend as she asked me to go on holiday with her. She said the holiday flights were £450 I paid her. Purely by chance I discovered this holiday was actually for her and her ex boyfriend and she implied she had booked it and he had dumped her and left her out of pocket. He paid his half and she had charged me for the holiday and also to cover the cost of changing the names on the flights. So the total cost of the holiday was £800 he paid her £400 and I paid her £450 as it was £50 to change the name. She could not see anything that she did was wrong. Ie he paid and wasn’t going - tough luck and I had a holiday and I should paid. She ended up covering all her costs when I pointed out that she had in effect had a free holiday on me and her ex she said ‘well no’ I asked her how much she had paid herself and she shook with indignation and said ‘I booked it up front and asked you to take his place as he bailed ‘ yes I replied but you led her to believe that he had screwed your over money wise and in fact he hadn’t. She still to this day can’t see the issue.

In this case I would reply - my bill was £19 I paid £25 so my own costs and a good tip - you wanted me to pay double. I think you have been incredibly off to just treat me like that. I wish you the best for your birthday and going forward.

Leave it there. Ps I’m in a foul mood today though and it would have ignited my touch paper.

YANBU.

If I'm out in a group and one (or more) isn't drinking but the rest of us are, I'd expect to take off the non-drinkers' food/other drinks and then divide the rest of the bill between the drinkers. Alcohol can be expensive and I don't expect others to subsidise me. Equally, I wouldn't expect to subsidise others unless the difference is relatively small.

It does very much depend on how it was expressed. 'I dont want to pay for everyone's alcohol as I was only on soft drinks' does have a rather puritanical and critical ring to it.

The person suggesting splitting the bill may not have been closely monitoring what everyone else was consuming. Just because someone suggests splitting the bill does not automatically mean they were eating fillet steak and drinking the most expensive cocktails.

£19 for a meal and a 'few' (does that mean 3 or 4?) lemonades seems quite inexpensive for a restaurant meal.

Do you think the group thinks you should have chipped in equally because there isn't much difference between the cost of 1-2 wines versus 3-4 lemonades?

I just find it really odd that your friend would text you after the event to chide you just for requesting that the bill not be split.

I wonder if there is more to it?

YANBU. They're being incredibly cheeky expecting you to pay 21 pounds extra for THEIR drinks, not even yours. Nope. Nope. Nope.

I have a Muslim friend who doesn’t drink so we either pay for our own (most restaurants with contactless make this easy now) or we work out his then divide the rest. I hate subsidising other people’s drinks or having mine subsidised if I’ve chosen cocktails. Why would I pay for someone’s drinks or get them to pay for mine? Just weird.

@ExConstance

My friends are very polite and if someone had not been drinking they would always suggest they pay less. This used to be really common a few years back when there were lots of pregnancies in the group. In this situation I'd have cheerfully paid up with the bill split. It was a birthday meal, OP didn't know the group and the amount was not huge. probably best to say beforehand if you don't want to bill split. I have one friend who has a reputation for being stingy, despite being very well off, she always does things like having 2 starters or saying she is too full for pudding, always asks for tap water. Whilst i like her very much for other reasons I'm afraid I'm always a bit war of eating out with her because her stinginess tends to spoil it for others.

Seriously??

How is her frugality spoiling it for others unless you’re expecting her to subsidise what everyone else is eating or drinking?

Do you police what food and drink the other diners choose or just your ‘friend’.

Maybe you’re the cheeky one?

My DH won’t eat out and on the rare occasion he does, he eats the bare minimum such as a starter, or more likely a dessert. He’ll say he’s full or some other fib, but it’s because he has issues with eating in public. He’s not remotely tight.

It's unfair. I have gone off going out for meals with family because the last couple of times we seem to have split the bill by number of households and as I am single and don't drink alcohol or have more than one course I end up subsidising them. They have multiple courses and alcoholic drinks.

I never understand why someone who wants to pay for their own food is labelled 'tight' whereas someone who wants their food paid for by someone else is a 'fun party-person'. I suspect a significant propaganda campaign on the part of the drunken 'funsters'...

I get the point and agree with op and others saying not to split if you’ve had a lot less

But a lot are quoting £19 as the cost and saying she would have paid double. 19 is only food. She had “a few lemonades” so about 7/8. Then a tip so I make it about 30. The 25 she paid might look under tbh

It’s really unreasonable for your friend to text you after the event. I don’t usually mind paying a bit more if I’m not drinking but only when I’m with good friends I’d happily buy a drink for!

I'd expect the people choosing 2 starters and the tap water are doing so out of necessity. £21 - more than half the bill, is hardly a small difference or being stingy to not want to pay

@BillMasen she said her bill was £19 in total

YANBU but she has reacted in this way because she feels that you embarrassed her. That's her issue, not yours, but it's why she's taking it out on you and it doesn't bode terribly well for the friendship.

@BillMasen

I get the point and agree with op and others saying not to split if you’ve had a lot less

But a lot are quoting £19 as the cost and saying she would have paid double. 19 is only food. She had “a few lemonades” so about 7/8. Then a tip so I make it about 30. The 25 she paid might look under tbh

How do you know the £19 was only food?

@pinkyredrose

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning.

Why?

To give the CFs a chance to dial it down when they know they wouldn't be subsidised?

and she was the only one that left a tip, and one of over 30% at that

YANBU.

I would never text someone to say they should've split. I wouldn't want to pay double if I wasn't drinking.

Well no wonder they were annoyed! They banked on you minimising their outlay and you didnt bow to social pressure. Good for you quite honestly but expect to be given the cold shoulder now on nights out.

There are occasions when it makes sense to split, for example a curry where everyone has had beers and the mains are all shared anyway. But not in restaurants where there is steak as well as pizza or pasta on the menu!