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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
Jmaho · 09/08/2021 11:20

No you're in the right and I wish I had the confidence to speak up about it like you did as it happens all the time to me
My very wealthy friend always orders the most expensive items on the menu (to show off) additional sides. Drinks bottles of wine, cocktails etc. Our last meal I drove and there were 4 of us in total. I had a main course and dessert about £20 in total and 2 diet Cokes. Ended up paying £55 as the bill was split

EveningOverRooftops · 09/08/2021 11:22

The only person I ‘split the bill’ with is one friend of mine. Between us we have 4 kids and more often than not it’s cheaper for us both if I pretend 2 kids are mine to get into attractions or for bus tickets/travel or we pretend we’re a family of 6 for the same reasons.

We don’t split food bills though as my teen eats like a swarm of locusts.

EveningOverRooftops · 09/08/2021 11:22

You’re correct though. To not split it.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 09/08/2021 11:22

This pisses me off so much....im on a budget and choose my food and drink according to what i want and what i'm prepared to spend....no way on gods earth would i subsidise greedy cf's who think everyone else at the table should subsidise their meal and drinks.

DifferentHair · 09/08/2021 11:23

@2021V2 what a cheap bastard! I'm guessing he has a lot of first dates and can't understand why no one has snapped him up Hmm

godmum56 · 09/08/2021 11:23

YANBU and I like a drink when I go out. I'd be mortified to have someone subsidise me.

Pogostemon · 09/08/2021 11:24

I’ve been this situation and I think it is generally expected, in a group of peers, that the bill will be split.

However, my closest friends know I don’t drink and always deduct the alcohol. In your example, I would have split the bill (as the polite thing to do) and secretly felt a bit cross.

I am also shocked at the rudeness of the follow up text.

Wroxie · 09/08/2021 11:24

I would always happily split the bill regardless of how much or little I had- and if I had invited people out I would always offer to pay the whole bill (and happily do it if they accepted)- it's a cultural thing.

However - if the group consensus was to split, but someone else said they preferred not to because they had less food or drink - I would agree without a moment's thought because I have no idea what their financial situation is. It could be that they specifically ordered the cheapest thing on the menu and tap water because that's literally all they could afford and still pay their bills that month. Only a very shitty and self-absorbed friend would think that the conviviality of an equally split bill is more important than the stress and anxiety their friend might experience because they'd suddenly spent £20 more than they expected for the week.

Actually, having said that, in these exact situations - I notice when someone eats and drinks less or has the least expensive things and make a point to be the one who suggests we pay for what we had so they don't have to be embarrassed by being the one who asks. Anyone who wouldn't do this or who would be put out by it is selfish and grabby. I think I've experienced this exactly once and it was a friend of a friend who never showed up in the friend group again.

knittingaddict · 09/08/2021 11:26

@pinkyredrose

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning.
Why?
UmamiMammy · 09/08/2021 11:28

Yanbu. I was once out with a group of girls from work. Some people ordered three courses and wine while one girl who was not well off just had a simple main and soft drinks as she was driving. When the bill came those who ate and drank the most suggested splitting the bill equally..... I pointed out this was very unfair and everyone covered their own. Splitting the bill is unfair if one person ends up paying double what their bill would be!!!

UneFoisAuChalet · 09/08/2021 11:28

In my group of friends we always split the bill regardless. I may have had wine but no dessert whereas friend x ordered the opposite, friend y had the steak and friend z just had a large salad etc…it would just be so tacky to go through the bill and assign costs.

Original poster
notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 11:29

But a lot are quoting £19 as the cost and saying she would have paid double. 19 is only food. She had “a few lemonades” so about 7/8. Then a tip so I make it about 30. The 25 she paid might look under tbh

No. The £19 included all my soft drinks. I put down £25 to provide a tip.

But as I said, nobody else bothered tipping!

OP posts:
FunnyWonder · 09/08/2021 11:29

I'm pleasantly surprised at the number of people agreeing that you did nothing wrong. Usually these threads are full of words like miserly, skinflint, cheap skate etc as posters clamour to say that you should ALWAYS split the bill.

As someone who doesn't eat a starter or drink alcohol (I'm always driving as DP doesn't drive) and rarely bothers with dessert, I get fed up subsidising other people's restaurant blow outs. I'll pay towards the birthday person's meal and contribute to the tip but that's it. I sucked it up and handed over my 'share' for years, but not any more. I don't have anyone in my life whose sparkling repartee is worth the extra cash!

TheUndoingProject · 09/08/2021 11:30

Are you sure there wasn’t an implication that you would all cover the birthday girl’s meal and your refusal to split seemed as though you were declining to do so?

MaMelon · 09/08/2021 11:30

@UneFoisAuChalet

In my group of friends we always split the bill regardless. I may have had wine but no dessert whereas friend x ordered the opposite, friend y had the steak and friend z just had a large salad etc…it would just be so tacky to go through the bill and assign costs.
If that’s what you’ve always done and everyone is happy with that arrangement then fair enough - but that’s not the situation here. It’s really not tacky to pay for your own food and drink.
liveforsummer · 09/08/2021 11:31

If someone who had a main meal and wine and another only had a salad, I wouldn't think it was the salad eater not wanting split the bill equally that was the tacky one ....

diddl · 09/08/2021 11:31

"it would just be so tacky to go through the bill and assign costs."

GrinGrinGrin

Original poster
notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 11:31

@TheUndoingProject

Are you sure there wasn’t an implication that you would all cover the birthday girl’s meal and your refusal to split seemed as though you were declining to do so?

No. Nobody covered the birthday girl's meal at all. That was never even hinted or suggested. They all wanted to pay their portion

OP posts:
TheTallOakTrees · 09/08/2021 11:32

@notonyournelleee

Thing is I wouldn't mind if it was £5/10 over my share. But my entire meal came to just under £19
So you were expected to pay double. Wow that's not right. Paying the for them to drink all night! YANBU
DifferentHair · 09/08/2021 11:32

It's a bit harder in the situation OP is describing as well, because she didn't know most of the group.

When we dine out with a group of friends, we probably have a sense of their financial situation, or at least think we do. We're also less likely to care about paying £10 over or under our bill because in the course of a long friendship it's not a big deal and will probably come out in the wash.

I would be less happy about subsidising a bunch of strangers. Id probably still do it TBH, but I'm in a financial position that allows me to without any stress.

annacondom · 09/08/2021 11:32

Really, tacky? Nope. Each person adds up their costs and adds on a couple of quid for a tip if they want. No embarrassment.

user1471538283 · 09/08/2021 11:32

I've had this so many times over the years. You just end up subsidising people. It is always so easy to spend other people's money.

I would text her back to say that you cannot afford to subsidise other people and you were not drinking. Tell her you put in more than your share anyway to cover the tip. Then I would have nothing more to do with any of them.

diddl · 09/08/2021 11:34

I mean really it's up to people how they spend their own money isn't it?

Split if you want to, don't if you don't!

knittingaddict · 09/08/2021 11:34

@KatherineJaneway

Really? Didn't know that was the form, to say 'I'm not splitting the bill today'

Always best to say at the start of the meal if you only want to pay for what you have. It shouldn't have to be that way but I find it stops any Hmm faces at the end of the meal if you are upfront.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand this at all.

As someone else said, the only possible reason to do this is because you would change what you order depending on whether a bill is split or not. That's hardly fair is it and makes it sound like you want to use others kindness for your advantage. Not reasonable at all.

RoseGoldEagle · 09/08/2021 11:36

You are one hundred per cent not unreasonable for ‘only’ paying for what you personally ate and drank. Your friends are rude to have made a thing of this.