Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

[notonyournelleee]

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you

@coolgirldancing

I've been more than patient, but this "forum" is pathetic. I'm not reading through pages and pages of you're shit, but none of you was there, none of you knows what actually happened. You all think your so clever but you need to get a life. Get out a bit, stop sitting on your phone's or whatever. I hope your all proud of yourself. Discusting

More than patient? With who?

@LadyWithLapdog

OP, for the sake of a tenner you’ve lost yourself a friend. It may have been cheeky to expect splitting the bill but getting a reputation for being tight isn’t good either. I have been in the situation of having to budget very strictly before, I do get where you’re coming from. But it’s the price of friendship and smooth running of things.

I couldn't disagree more.

Why is it considered "tight" to want to pay for what you ordered plus a tip? Why is it not considered tight to want to pay less than what you ordered?

For the sake of £4 (the extra each the others were due by taking op's share out) the op's so called friends have shown themselves to be less than friendly. Saying their night was ruined by being expected to pay for what they actually consumed. Expecting someone else to actually double what they were due to pay to subsidise the rest. Sending texts telling op she ruined their night simply by paying (more) than what she was due. Lovely people.....

Think op has dodged a bullet here to be honest.

@LadyWithLapdog

OP, for the sake of a tenner you’ve lost yourself a friend. It may have been cheeky to expect splitting the bill but getting a reputation for being tight isn’t good either. I have been in the situation of having to budget very strictly before, I do get where you’re coming from. But it’s the price of friendship and smooth running of things.

You've been in the position of having to budget strictly, but ignoring this to overspend around your friends because you're scared you will lose them otherwise as they would be offended? Yeah, that's called being a mug with bad friends.

A PP poster said that in the majority of cases bill splitters are not CFs who deliberately order the most expensive stuff on the menu and as much booze as possible in order for others to subsidise and I completely agree. I can't imagine why you would be friends with and go out for meals with people who you thought would behave like this.

In my experience people just order what they fancy. If you are going out for a meal (and could afford it) why would not you not order something a little more interesting that the pasta you could make at home?

Sharing platters are also common in my circle and the suggestion these go down to one end of the table is ridiculous. It is just an easy (and usually cheaper) way of sorting starters for everyone - where you get to try a few different things.

Do you honestly think in Italy when they go out with in their multigenerational groups and are sharing delicious food and wines, Nona gets her calculator out at the end to divvy up who ate and drank what? No, because it is about the occasion and the celebration, warmth and generosity . To reduce it down to 'I only had the dry toast and tap water Sheila' is soul destroying.

It looks like some of the birthday girl's friends have decided to post here as well. I wonder if they are so defensive because they have been called out on here?

I’ve never drank alcohol. I have no issue whatsoever splitting the bill if it’s a small group of good friends and they have a glass or two of house wine but multiple cocktails/fancy drinks often cost more than the damn food! Basically for me it would be a ‘up to £10 extra I’d swallow’ but YANBU to not pay an extra £20 and they are all CF’s to expect that!

I’m cringing at the birthday girl having had the audacity to actually message you about it

One observation I have made about not drinking/bill splitting is that when it’s my ‘choice’ people are less understanding and there’s a bit of a ‘well you could have ordered whatever you wanted attitude. In the last 3 years I’ve been pregnant with a breast fed 2 babies and during that time I’ve never once had an expectation to split the bill with people drinking alcohol. I think because they think I’m ‘missing out’ and it’s not a choice they just don’t expect me to also pay for theirs

Had a similar thing with old work colleagues,they had 3 course meals with lot of alohol, one on whisky, THEN one of the group casually mentioned she couldnt afford to come, and we were all expected to pay some towards it. I don't eat 3 course meals, and don't drink and drive. I put my foot down, and we now pay separately. I am now on a small pension, they are all working full time.Different group of friends!

Hey @coolgirldancing seeing as you were there why don't you tell it to us from your perspective? I'll patiently wait....

Do you honestly think in Italy when they go out with in their multigenerational groups and are sharing delicious food and wines, Nona gets her calculator out at the end to divvy up who ate and drank what? No, because it is about the occasion and the celebration, warmth and generosity . To reduce it down to 'I only had the dry toast and tap water Sheila' is soul destroying

No, it's budget destroying for many.

You must live in a universe where everyone has bottomless bank accounts and no money worries. And 'friends' who don't feel entitled to spend other people's money thoughtlessly.

I’m not particularly keen on everyone working out exactly who had what when paying for a meal, but REAL FRIENDS would be aware that the op wasn’t drinking alcohol and would take that into account when splitting the bill.

I think I am just fortunate that this scenario has pretty much never happened with the people I call friends and dine out with. We split the bill - that would be if one person/couple did not insist on paying (and there are regular arguments about who is going to pay - where two people are trying to get to the bill first).

If I was going out with a couple or a friend and I knew they were having difficult times to be honest I would treat them. In a larger group we have done the same and as a group treated someone who has been struggling - whether financially, mentally, physically or in whatever way. 'You have been having a nightmare lately, this one is on us'. All done very discretely.

If someone has clearly had much less than everyone else - e.g. no alcohol then the group would automatically, without fuss take a chunk off their bill to account for it. Or even just cut them out of the bill completely for ease.

The only time I have been in a ' pay for exactly what you have eaten' scenario is with work colleagues which then makes sense.

@coolgirldancing

I've been more than patient, but this "forum" is pathetic. I'm not reading through pages and pages of you're shit, but none of you was there, none of you knows what actually happened. You all think your so clever but you need to get a life. Get out a bit, stop sitting on your phone's or whatever. I hope your all proud of yourself. Discusting

Wow. I think you've dodged a bullet friendship-wise, OP, if this really is BGirl.

@NorthernWhiteRhino

A PP poster said that in the majority of cases bill splitters are not CFs who deliberately order the most expensive stuff on the menu and as much booze as possible in order for others to subsidise and I completely agree. I can't imagine why you would be friends with and go out for meals with people who you thought would behave like this.

In my experience people just order what they fancy. If you are going out for a meal (and could afford it) why would not you not order something a little more interesting that the pasta you could make at home?

Sharing platters are also common in my circle and the suggestion these go down to one end of the table is ridiculous. It is just an easy (and usually cheaper) way of sorting starters for everyone - where you get to try a few different things.

Do you honestly think in Italy when they go out with in their multigenerational groups and are sharing delicious food and wines, Nona gets her calculator out at the end to divvy up who ate and drank what? No, because it is about the occasion and the celebration, warmth and generosity . To reduce it down to 'I only had the dry toast and tap water Sheila' is soul destroying.

Do you not see anything inherently unfair in the fact that the OP had £19 worth of food and drink yet was expected to cough up £40 as her share of the bill?

@lastcall

Do you honestly think in Italy when they go out with in their multigenerational groups and are sharing delicious food and wines, Nona gets her calculator out at the end to divvy up who ate and drank what? No, because it is about the occasion and the celebration, warmth and generosity . To reduce it down to 'I only had the dry toast and tap water Sheila' is soul destroying

No, it's budget destroying for many.

You must live in a universe where everyone has bottomless bank accounts and no money worries. And 'friends' who don't feel entitled to spend other people's money thoughtlessly.

The absolute opposite, I live in a world where if one of the group was struggling the rest of the group would pitch in and pay for them.

YANBU
I don't mind splitting if I'm out for lunch and I've had non-alcoholic drinks but DH and a friend have had a pint because I'm not splitting hairs over a couple of quid, but I'd not be splitting an evening meal bill when others have been drinking a lot of alcohol.

People who expect others to subsidise their dining habits are rude in my opinion

@notonyournelleee

Thing is I wouldn't mind if it was £5/10 over my share. But my entire meal came to just under £19

Yanbu at all. They are being massively so. I would never ever eat and drink anything I didnt fully intend on paying for in its entirety if the bill is not split evenly but we each buy our own and if a split were suggested but someone hadn't drank or had eaten significantly less, I would myself suggest they dont pay an even split. I have actually done this.

I don't like working out exactly who had what either, but in my circle if someone had the lobster or steak, while everyone else had something more average priced, or if someone had starter and dessert when everyone else had just a main, or if some people have a lot to drink, those people would speak up while the bill was been split and insist on covering their extravagance.

I'm delighted for you, NorthernWhiterhino. Truly. But OP and many others don't live in that world, as you can see from this thread alone.

@CounsellorTroi I do see how that is unfair - I am baffled by so many descriptions of people going out for meals with such arseholes - who deliberately order the most expensive food so their friends subsidise it. Who order share platters and then don't share. Who drink cocktail after cocktail simply because they know it will be subsidised. I have never experienced this before.

In the OPs scenario, we would have automatically taken off the booze if it was a obvious as she is stating it was.

Sorry replies hadn’t updated when I replied

So yes 19 plus tip more then acceptable

Can’t believe the reply you got from birthday girl

Guess you won’t be going to next years meal

Think of the money you’ve saved

I was once invited to my friends birthday meal at a restaurant. I didn't know anyone else there just her and there was approx 30 at the table. I was pregnant at the time and just had water all night to drink with my meal while everyone else sank cocktail after cocktail followed by shorts. They weren't particularly friendly to me throughout.
At the end of the meal all the worst offenders wanted to split the bill but I didn't see why I should subsidise a load of strangers drinking and I said to the birthday girl I would happily pay for her meal outright and mine but I wasn't paying £40 extra for other people's drinks.
She said to me that I was embarrassing her by doing that and I should just split the bill with the others. She wasn't embarrassed that I would pay for her meal but she was embarrassed by me 'making a show of her' by not paying for endless cocktails and shorts I hadn't ordered.
Pretty much told me what I needed to know about my friend.

@LadyWithLapdog

OP, for the sake of a tenner you’ve lost yourself a friend. It may have been cheeky to expect splitting the bill but getting a reputation for being tight isn’t good either. I have been in the situation of having to budget very strictly before, I do get where you’re coming from. But it’s the price of friendship and smooth running of things.

I think your criticism is better directed at the BG and the other 'friends'. It is them who are being tight by expecting someone else to pay for their drinks. So if anyone has sacrificed the friendship, it is not the OP. This really is not the price of friendship in most friendships.

Just needed to add: my friend knew that money was really tight for me back then and going to the meal in itself was a luxury.
I was also the only one who took a gift for her.

I can't believe this thread made the DM!

The absolute opposite, I live in a world where if one of the group was struggling the rest of the group would pitch in and pay for them

But you don't always know what people's real financial circumstances are. I've been virtually bankrupt and no-one except DP knows this. Not my parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, no-one.

I've certainly been in the position where I've been for a rare meal out and I've had the money for one cheap main, one drink and a tip and not a penny more and if I've been expected to join in with a split bill, that would have a serious knock on effect on my finances, having to be late with essential bills, not having money to put petrol in the car, etc etc.

Now we're in a pretty good financial position - we have an above average income and are in jobs where it's not obvious what we earn and our essential outgoings are very low - our mortgage is tiny, but because we don't have the visible indicators of being well off (we drive old cars, live in a modest and slightly scruffy house that's not in a fashionable area, we spend virtually nothing on clothes, grooming, gadgets etc) then many people won't realise that we are OK financially - like I said, appearances are often not a reliable indicator of whether or not someone can just drop an extra £20 without it having a knock on impact on their finances.