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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 09/08/2021 21:15

OP you just pay for what you ate and drank. That way people have to make sure they can cover it when they order and not expect others to subsidise them. You were perfectly in the right and if other people are upset then that's their problem, not yours :)

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/08/2021 21:18

We’ve always said non drinker pay for own and then split the bill

That’s the fairest way

Tho equally a few lemonades can equal one glass of wine

We’re they driving or seriously drinking

What was your bill instead of 40 so £240

TheRebelle · 09/08/2021 21:19

@notonyournelleee

The birthday girl has replied to say

'I've seen your thread. I can't believe you'd do this! We just wanted a good night. Never mind, enjoy your anonymous cheerleaders!'

I'm so Angry and haven't replied but I'm sure she will see this!!

So she just wanted a good time at your expense, what a cheapskate!
Stormfin · 09/08/2021 21:23

I don't think you've said anything out of order on this thread at all op.

She's probably more pissed off that most people agree that she's in the wrong.

And that people who drink alcohol and order expensive meals, then want someone not drinking to subsidise them, are rude CFs.

I think you've been perfectly reasonable op. If it had been a case of £2 difference I'd think you should just split it, but no way should you pay £40 for a £19 meal.

OP's friend: you're a cheeky cow. Happy birthday.

milveycrohn · 09/08/2021 21:26

@Hyacinth88
I was 'had' like that once at work as well, so I never went out with them again. The men were drinking lots of alcohol, and had drinks before and after, including whisky!. It was decided to just split the bill! For some reason, I was not drinking, and tried to say so, but it got a bit ugly, so I paid my share (which as this was so long ago, I paid in cash as I had allowed what I thought was enough cash, leaving me insufficient funds to get the undergound, and having to walk back to the station).
It was unexpected, because when I go out with friends, we always take into account if someone has not drunk any alcohol, or if someone has had an 'extra' course.
That is, if a group of us, those who have had extra, automatically put in more. If someone has had say 3 courses, to everyone else's 2 courses, that person would automatically put in more to cover their extra cost.
I learned from this and never went out with them again!
(Note, I was not the only female, but the others were drinking and presumably did not mind subsidising the others)

lavieengris · 09/08/2021 21:27

@notacooldad

The OP shouldn't have suggested not splitting the bilk..

...because one of the drinkers should have noticed and suggested it first
Dont be daft. People need to take responsibility for tbemselves. In a group situation once I'm eating and chatting I'm not keeping an eye on what everyone else is drinking.
Theres nothing wrong with saying as you sit down 'ok, I'm looking at paying my own tab tonight, I dont know if anyone wants to do the same?'

I think it's reasonable to go into a dining situation with the intention of splitting the bill if you all end up ordering similar things, but if some members of the group suddenly start ordering rounds of expensive drinks, it's polite for them to be the ones who declare that they should pay more.

Otherwise, if you agreed to split the bill, you could potentially be on the hook for an unknown amount if someone suddenly decided they wanted to eat champagne and lobster.

If you're the one being extravagant, it's good manners to acknowledge that and make clear others aren't going to pay for your decadence.

I have nothing against the OP standing up for themselves, but really, it shouldn't have come to that.

You don't need to be keeping a close eye on what other people are eating and drinking to know if you're the one spending the most.

Stormfin · 09/08/2021 21:27

@tttigress

Unless you have serious financial problems, or the other people were ordering completely ridiculous drinks like extremely aged whiskey, I would say YABU.

Why?

And what constitutes serious financial trouble?

Don't you think it's extremely rude to expect a person who ordered a low cost dinner to pay towards somebody else's experience dinner and drinks?

It's pure CF behaviour.

Pinot4me · 09/08/2021 21:29

I think whatever you personal feelings about this thread, there is no doubt that the majority of the posters believe that the OP is not being unreasonable (myself included).
Maybe when the anger your friend feels about your post dies down she might actually realise that you were right to query the bill.
It’s not like it was a group of life long friends - they were strangers apart from the birthday girl.
Oh well, some things, you just have to chalk up to experience 🤷‍♀️

thevassal · 09/08/2021 21:31

So you not subsidising a proportion of her meal stopped her from having a good night? She can't have been having that much fun then if paying an extra £4 ruined it!

Weird! I consider the marker of a 'good night' to be good company, lots of laughs, fun conversation, nice food, and maybe a few drinks. Not successfully scabbing my friend over to pay for part of my meal.

At least you know what she's like now OP i.e. best avoided!

DeRigueurMortis · 09/08/2021 21:36

👋 Birthday Friend!!!

Glad you're reading this.

Interesting you and your friends wanted a nice night out being subsidised by someone else.

You can't believe she started a thread.

Most people here can't believe you expected her to pay double the amount of money in relation to what she'd consumed.

We're not her cheerleaders, we are calling you out on being a cheeky fucker, a shitty friend and an inconsiderate customer (along with your other friends) who unlike the the OP didn't leave a tip....

Choccorocco · 09/08/2021 21:37

I’m going to go against the flow here. Either you mention it as you sit down, or you don’t create a fuss, on someone’s birthday, about it being split, when the billi is presented. Where are your manners? Of course it’s going to create an issue if you only mention it at that point!
Of course the birthday girl was embarrassed!
That said, the others should of course have played it differently and smoothed over the problem. U.K. reallyiprised that no one offered to pay for the birthday girl too!
Honestly, mention it at the start of a meal next time if you don’t know the people. I don’t believe they wanted you to subsidise their drinks. I think they just didn’t want the awkwardness of a bill problem.
I hope things work out with your friend. But tragic to lose a friend over £19.

StormyTeacups · 09/08/2021 21:38

Indeed, friend is being very silly here.

Our of interest, why is it important to mention at the beginning? Would others alter their behaviour if so?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 09/08/2021 21:39

Comes to something when the 'anonymous cheerleaders' are better friends to the OP than her actual friend!
I honestly don't see how BG can consider it acceptable for one friend to pay double so the rest can pay less!

Stormfin · 09/08/2021 21:39

@StormyTeacups

Indeed, friend is being very silly here.

Our of interest, why is it important to mention at the beginning? Would others alter their behaviour if so?

It's the CFs saying that, because they would then probably drink less, knowing some other poor sod wasn't going to pay towards it.

notacooldad · 09/08/2021 21:43

You don't need to be keeping a close eye on what other people are eating and drinking to know if you're the one spending the most
I'm not sure. Even thinking back to my last meal out with a group of 6 of us 2 weeks ago I didn't notice who was having what. I mean some people where there first and ordered a drink. I dont know if they put it on the tab or not. Someone ordered a drink and it did go on the tab and someone ordered drink and paid when it arrived but I dont know how many times this was done over 2.5 hrs.

but if some members of the group suddenly start ordering rounds of expensive drinks, it's polite for them to be the ones who declare that they should pay more I agree with you but once people have had a drink, politeness and thought for others often goes out of the window!

stayathomer · 09/08/2021 21:43

How much was your individual bill? I wouldn't have thought that £40 was outrageous for a 'nice meal'.
Whhhhaaaaatttt?!?! Forty pound for a meal is normal?!?!

LanaDelBoy · 09/08/2021 21:43

@StormyTeacups

Indeed, friend is being very silly here.

Our of interest, why is it important to mention at the beginning? Would others alter their behaviour if so?

That's what I asked - no-one replied! Assume they refrain from ordering the truffled lobster...
BorderlineHappy · 09/08/2021 21:43

@notonyournelleee

The birthday girl has replied to say

'I've seen your thread. I can't believe you'd do this! We just wanted a good night. Never mind, enjoy your anonymous cheerleaders!'

I'm so Angry and haven't replied but I'm sure she will see this!!

Now thats tacky. Who expects someone else to fund their night out.

@notonyournelleee df you should be ashamed texting her that.Maybe pay for your own rather than expecting it other people to.

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/08/2021 21:47

Either you mention it as you sit down, or you don’t create a fuss, on someone’s birthday, about it being split, when the billi is presented. Where are your manners? Of course it’s going to create an issue if you only mention it at that point!

Up until then the OP didn't know someone was going to pipe up about splitting the bill. She mentioned it as soon as she knew. Why should it create an issue when it was potentially a cf who suggested it? It looks far more aggressive to sit down and announce 'I'm only paying for what I'm having' before anyone's even looked at a menu.

I think they just didn’t want the awkwardness of a bill problem. Of course it can get a bit more complicated if you get into the realms of 'who had the prawn cocktail' but that didn't happen here.

Porcupineintherough · 09/08/2021 21:51

@pinkyredrose

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning.
Why?
GreenTortoise · 09/08/2021 21:51

Why would anyone announce they are not splitting. You go out for a meal with every intention of paying your own bill..

YANBU and the others are CF's wanting a cheaper night.

This happened to me. I didn't drink but two people got a few double Malibu's and coke and at the end when it came to paying they were adamant they didn't have that many and I owed the extra.. my meal and one drink I had was £20. I ended up putting down the extra £20 and wish I never did.

Rainbowsew · 09/08/2021 21:52

Yanbu

£25 for a £19 meal is quite generous, in terms of tip and birthday girl's meal etc. They can fuck off with their alcohol prices almost doubling the bill!!

flipflop76 · 09/08/2021 21:52

@SunShinesBrightly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

Message back and say that being asked to pay £40 instead of £21 really upset you.

Hear hear
Nohomemadecandles · 09/08/2021 21:53

OP, your mate's a twat. You did nothing wrong.

OP's mate - grow some class

Dreamingofbeergardens · 09/08/2021 21:56

What a cheeky bitch!
Reminds me of my friend who expects everyone to pay for her 'because I earn less'. Maybe don't do things you can't afford!