Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

[notonyournelleee]

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you

I have been in this situation and voted with my feet and simply stopped going out for meals with a group of art group friends.
I was a single mum and struggling financially so used to choose the cheapest thing on the menu. Two of the group would order bottles of wine, starters and pudding then expect the bill to be shared equally. I could ill afford this but no one else seemed to object so I went along with it the once.
I think some people are just thoughtless, selfish and entitled, I would never expect anyone who has been drinking mineral water and driving to split the alcohol bill equally.

@MrsFlinch

I hate that whole splitting the bill bollocks, someone always ends up out of pocket. Happened to us several times over the years, one memorable time sticks in my head.

3 couples, out for a meal and drinks. 1 proceeded to order 2 bottles of wine “for everyone to share”, problem was, only 2 people actually drank wine, so 1 bottle each. 4 had starters And 3 had deserts
Dh had his main, No starter, no desert and 2 separate (soft) drinks, I had 2 alcoholic drinks no food!
Bill comes, and we are told “we’ll just split the bill!”……£55 each couple.
I tried to point out that this was massively unfair. But Dh told me not to make a fuss and paid it.
Ours came to about £25 for what we had between us. So cost us an extra £30!

Dh and I don’t drink alcohol now and I physically cannot manage to eat 3 courses on a meal out so for that reason refuse point blank to ‘split the bill’ with others as we always end up with the short straw!

Why are the splitters always so greedy

I tend to have a main and 1 drink (possibly wine) then perhaps a desert

YANBU

It's rude imho to assume the bill should be split and as pp's have already pointed out, the suggestion always comes from someone who will benefit from it.

I do split the bill with close friends quite often, but that's because we usually tally up roughly the same spend.

In the case where one of us hasn't been drinking for example, the assumption is that they will cover themselves only and the remainder of the group spilt the rest.

Regardless if someone only wanted to pay for what they spent that's fine.

You should have stated it at the beginning of the evening.

Bill splitting isn't really justified now bills are itemized and everyone has a calculator on their smartphone (if you're too drunk to use a calculator that's just wrong).

Bill splitting allows more varied groups of people to go out together - I have been in a group where one person earns 20+ times what another does, where some love their upmarket steak and fish dishes and fine wines, and others are TT and/or vegetarian and will be perfectly happy with the cheapest thing on the menu. Why make it harder for them to eat together?

@HealthKick2021

You should have stated it at the beginning of the evening.

I don't understand this. Is the expectation that people would order differently if they knew the bill wasn't being split?

YANBU your friend is however.

@feemcgee

This really annoys me too, splitting the bill never works out for everyone. However, I was out with people I didn't know as a group for my friend's birthday, and the woman I sat across from refused to split the bill at the end of the night, as she hadn't drank booze. But - she had three courses and coffee, including an expensive main course, while I had one glass of wine and a cheap pizza. Someone tried to have a quiet word with her but she refused to pay her fair share. So I paid for her meal. Fuming.

eh... why did you pay for her?

its refusing to SPLIT not refusing to pay.

No one gets to decide not to pay, if she doesnt split then she pays for the entirity that she ordered so no one pays for her except her and your split should be cheeper without her.

YANBU

I work in retail so have to work weekends. There have often been times I've gone out with friends on a Friday for dinner and not had an alcoholic drink because I know I won't cope working a 10hr Saturday shift being hungover, whereas everyone else is a M-F 9-5 worker so they're all letting their hair down and starting their weekend. At most I will have one glass of wine to their bottles/multiple cocktails.

I have no issue sharing the food bill when everyone has had roughly the same but I do not want to subsidise everyone else drinking or if someone has had a significantly more expensive item. If people want to split the bill I have no problem with saying "Since I wasn't drinking I'm happy to split the food bill six ways but you need to work out the alcohol bill between the five of you who were drinking and I'll round up my food contribution to cover my soft drinks. Thanks"

@dottydodah

itsgettingweird. Obviously a family pub/Restaurant such as Harvester ,will be cheaper than a fairly smart Place in town .Again not really comparable in a North/South divide really .Surely smart places in Manchester as well? (Sorry never been there!) Lots of cheaper pubs and stuff here as well SC

I know!

That why I said it was as possible in the south to get a cheap meal (after someone said they assume those thinking £40 for a meal was normal must be southerners) as the chain places and pubs are pretty much same price.

@HealthKick2021

You should have stated it at the beginning of the evening.

Why?

Can it be so surprising that some people want to pay only for what they consumed?

Take that part off & resplit the bill.

It's hardly difficult.

The only awkward moment is the embarrassment of suggesting to split without taking into consideration that not everyone was drinking. I would be mortified if I had expected someone to subsidise my alcohol.
It literally takes 30 seconds to sort out. Hardly matters in the grand scheme of the evening. Surprised at the mixed views tbh

I think if it were me l would have paid up. It was a birthday party after all and it must have spoiled the atmosphere , also that some of the others probably didn't spend a lot on their meal . Swings and roundabouts .

OP you are definitely not unreasonable.

You shouldn’t have to subsidise their alcohol.

I remember one occasion out with work colleagues and I was the one who proclaimed we should just split the bill. Everyone did but then one of the admin team point out the next day that they’d had a starter and a coke - so like you had paid pretty much double.

It still makes me go hot and cold how embarrassed I felt that I’d basically ripped her off.

I now keep a loose eye on who’s had what and tend to pipe up if it looks like someone’s going to end up paying more - generally suggesting splitting the food amongst all, the drinks amongst the drinkers and asking the non drinkers to pay the tip goes down quite well.

@Mrsmadevans

I think if it were me l would have paid up. It was a birthday party after all and it must have spoiled the atmosphere , also that some of the others probably didn't spend a lot on their meal . Swings and roundabouts .

Unless you're getting something specifically expensive like a steak, meals generally only vary in price by £5-10ish. Meanwhile, a single cocktail can cost that, and people will have had multiple. The difference is not really comparable.

But @Carthief why didn't the admin person point it out at the time ?

However lesson learnt from me as I said up thread for work groups I only ever book fixed price places and for other groups I simply refuse to be the one organising the bill ( unless small group of friends) and will order in line with others and leave the car at home and then pay whatever I'm asked to.

Also people saying OP should have paid part of the brithday girls meal, that should never be assumed but rather discussed and agreed on as a group beforehand + OP took a gift and in ettiquette buying food/drink is in lieu of a gift not on top of.

they could have taken your £19 out and spirit the bill - don't see what the problem was

text the birthday girl and say there was nothing to stop you deducting the £19 and then splitting the bill just as you wanted to do but `I didn't want to pay double for my meal as that is unfair

I now keep a loose eye on who’s had what and tend to pipe up if it looks like someone’s going to end up paying more - generally suggesting splitting the food amongst all, the drinks amongst the drinkers and asking the non drinkers to pay the tip goes down quite well.

That can get really awkward too, when Charlie says he only had one glass of red wine and a coffee, whereas Denise finished most of one of the bottles of white on her own, but Rob points out that it was really cheap white wine, the red cost more, and also his two beers were non-alcoholic, so he should be in with the non-drinkers. And then when everyone privately tots up what they owe and a load of notes and coins get piled on a plate you find you're £14 below the total. People think they know who has underpaid, but they're not sure. Sarah and Ash are pissed off because they definitely put in £5 more than they owed to allow for a tip, but that's all been absorbed by the secret underpayers. Then there's a bad-tempered whip round for coins to make up the £14 shortfall. The waiter is also pissed off because there's certainly nothing in there for a tip. And generally the evening ends on a shit note

We always split bills but take a chunk off for anyone who hasn’t drunk alcohol. Sometimes someone who hasn’t drink alcohol will insist on a split as they for example had a dessert and coffee which others didn’t but in general the accepted principle is to split but adjust for non drinkers.

It was perfectly reasonable for you to say what you did, they were unread especially your friend you txted you. She doesn’t sound like a friend and to not thank you for your present is shockingly bad manners.

I would txt your friend and tell her she’s really out of order expecting you to sub their alcohol bill and for not thanking you for your present. End of friendship thou probably.

@MurielSpriggs ha ha! I have been there so many times, this is just so true. I hate it when people tot up their meals but think it’s fair to split the food and drinks bill separately.

Well splitting the bill would have cost you twenty quid but refusing to split has cost you a friendship.

I'd be pretty happy at the lost friendship tbh. I'm careful with who I consider a friend - people who try to shame or bully me into subsidising their pissed mates I don't know come under the 'thought they were a friend but turned out to be a wanker' category. Can't speak for the OP, but that's a pretty shit friend to my mind.

Equally, if they thought that asking to only pay for what I consumed was embarrassing and tight and thus no longer wanted me as a friend, I'd consider it a culture clash, too middle class for me and not be upset about it... Probably laugh about it with actual friends who understood me better.

@Herja

Well splitting the bill would have cost you twenty quid but refusing to split has cost you a friendship.

I'd be pretty happy at the lost friendship tbh. I'm careful with who I consider a friend - people who try to shame or bully me into subsidising their pissed mates I don't know come under the 'thought they were a friend but turned out to be a wanker' category. Can't speak for the OP, but that's a pretty shit friend to my mind.

Equally, if they thought that asking to only pay for what I consumed was embarrassing and tight and thus no longer wanted me as a friend, I'd consider it a culture clash, too middle class for me and not be upset about it... Probably laugh about it with actual friends who understood me better.

This!

Who wants a friend like the woman in the OP

@HealthKick2021

You should have stated it at the beginning of the evening.

Why - what difference does it make? They wouldn't have as much to eat/drink if they'd known the OP wasn't going to subsidise them? Anyone who wants to split a bill when they've had a lot more than others is an entitled CF.

Out of everyone there, the only person OP knew was the birthday girl. The others seem to be a different friendship group. Based on her reaction I suspect BG thought that OP 'showed her up' in front of her other friends.

OP you were fine, and your friend isn't your friend if that's her reaction.