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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
Winemewhynot · 09/08/2021 16:10

@GoldenBlue

Actually quite the opposite we usually split, however last time we went in a larger group than normal, everyone claimed to put in for what they had, some left, but still there was an amount outstanding that the remaining party had to cover!

So splitting isn’t always a bad idea as it catches out the underpayers!

Winemewhynot · 09/08/2021 16:11

*usually don’t split that should say

LovePoppy · 09/08/2021 16:11

Even apps or a bottle of wine can be split between bills.

momtoboys · 09/08/2021 16:12

Sorry if this has been asked before but were you all chipping in to buy the birthday persons meal? If so, I think I would have gone with the total and not given it a second thought.

GoldenBlue · 09/08/2021 16:20

[quote Winemewhynot]@GoldenBlue

Actually quite the opposite we usually split, however last time we went in a larger group than normal, everyone claimed to put in for what they had, some left, but still there was an amount outstanding that the remaining party had to cover!

So splitting isn’t always a bad idea as it catches out the underpayers![/quote]
I've been bitten by the very uneven sharing before and I think it's essential we remove the stigma of calling out the people who state the bill should be split who significantly benefit from it.

If a 'friend' is offended by some one not subbing her and her other friends that the OP doesn't know then they are not a good friend.

It is very unkind to expect to split bills when someone is significantly detrimental. We shouldn't condone the 'friends' unkind and entitled behaviour.

Winemewhynot · 09/08/2021 16:22

@GoldenBlue there’s positives and negatives to both, made more complex in this situation by it’s being a birthday party with strangers!

Coffeepot72 · 09/08/2021 16:23

We have a non-drinker in my friendship group, we wouldn’t dream of expecting her to contribute to 15 porn star cocktails (or whatever) it would be really unfair

cherrybonbons · 09/08/2021 16:25

I just find it hard to believe people would be that upset over a non split bill and actually text you about it.
Especially as you had a valid reason (no alcohol).
Why are people upset that you didn't subsidise your meal?!

LimpLettice · 09/08/2021 16:26

Yeah, move on, OP. I like a drink but would never let a friend who didn't drink split the bill.

AngryWhompingWillow · 09/08/2021 16:27

@notonyournelleee YANBU at all! And you need to get some new friends! The ones you went out with are awful. I mean, she hasn't even thanked you for the birthday cards and gifts. What a cow!

EstuaryBird · 09/08/2021 16:28

I 100% agree with what you did OP. You paid your share and you put in a tip. No way would I have subsidised other people’s drinks bill.

I’ve been stung a few times by ‘splitters’ and by ‘underpayers’ so now I always make it quite clear that I am paying for my own because it will be lower than everyone else’s if I’m driving and possibly more than everyone else’s if I’m not 😊. Not if I’m with just a couple of close friends but always if I’m with a group.

Never had anyone get shirty but if I did I’d happily talk them through my reasoning 😇

Horehound · 09/08/2021 16:33

O hate it when people don't split IF we've all also been drinking.
It's totally fair if you were just drinking non alcoholic drinks.
It's not rude, it's rude of your "friend" to message you after. I'd just ask her why it's ok to basically double your meal cost?

chaosrabbitland · 09/08/2021 16:40

not being unreasonable , if your meal came to 19 quid , why should you have to pay 40 just to subsidise all their booze they had because thats what it amounts to at the end of the day . the birthday girl would have been getting a tart message reply back from me along those lines im afraid . for all she knows you could have money stuggles and thats why you choose to keep your bill lower , its inconsiderate of her to expect you to split it

abstractprojection · 09/08/2021 16:44

I forgot how much I hated ye paying part of large group meals in the UK

Splitting - a couple order three courses and two bottles of wine and suggest splitting with people who had a single plate and glass

Individual - people pay only the menu price of their meal and forget about tax, service, water, bread etc. So it comes up short

When I live now it’s standard that you're brought individual bills with shared items split, tax and service - BLISS

DottyHarmer · 09/08/2021 16:45

Perhaps there should be an acceptable percentage of difference from the divided bill above which it is ok to say that you don’t want to split. Because if it is a matter of, say, £4 then it would look a little petty to say you had consumed less. Of course if it is a big differential it is galling to have to suck it up, and with a £20 hit it is worth speaking up.

Also agree that the “I only had a pizza” crowd are liable in my experience to confidently put down £8.95 and totally forget about tip or service charge, or indeed that their two fresh orange juices cost more than one small glass of wine.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 16:46

Its not complicated ...

they ate and drank more..

so Im paying my own share .. the end

Lweji · 09/08/2021 16:49

They are cheeky fuckers and stingy too.

It's people like these that argue for the birthday person paying for everyone. I bet the whole meal would be much cheaper per person. Wink

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/08/2021 16:50

Yanbu.

I always tell the person serving us at the start of the meal that we will be paying separately, easier for them, and it saves that awkward working out at the end for everyone too.

Lweji · 09/08/2021 16:52

Well splitting the bill would have cost you twenty quid but refusing to split has cost you a friendship.

Not sure that's a bad thing, if the friendship is so fragile or the friend so bad that it falls off over the OP not having to pay for other people to drink as much alcohol as they wanted.

TeaDrinker98 · 09/08/2021 16:54

I can't believe your friend wrote to you about it in that way, who even does that? For all your friends know you're not in a good position financially, her message was completely uncalled for and extremely entitled.

No, you done nothing wrong. I hate splitting the bill, it's unfair on those who don't want to overspend.

Sparklybanana · 09/08/2021 16:57

Yanbu. If someone can say at the end of meal 'let's split it' - why can't you say 'no' at the end too? It makes absolutely no difference to the rest of them if they ordered that much if you took your share out - only that they would pay a more realistic share as opposed to having a cheap meal on you. When dh and I were dirt poor students, we went out for a celebratory meal with others as we couldn't really say no, but we purposely chose the cheapest options on the menu and our bill should have been really cheap - pasta and water. The others, with their jobs and bursaries, chose starters, steak and alcohol and then suggested splitting. I had to say no even though I felt bad but I couldn't justify paying 3 times the cost of our cheap meal. If everyone is having similar meals or you've invited everyone else then it's not unreasonable to split, but if the meal imbalance is high then you're being a cheap cf to suggest splitting. People who suggest splitting always have expensive tastes!

Turnitoffandon · 09/08/2021 16:57

@Saddlesore

It depends so much on your attitude to an evening out with friends. Those who see it simply as a plate of sustenance are likely to feel that they should only pay for what they eat (or drink). Those, like me, who see it as an evening’s “entertainment”, surrounded by people, chat, jokes, gossip, oh and some food and drink, are likely to see it as a bill to be split equally - ie, it’s simply the price you pay for an evening out.
Genuinely interested - does this apply to other situations? Like, if you were having a spa day and one person wanted a 55 minute full body massage and everyone else was planning to have just a 25 minute one, would you be ok with upping the split price for Miss 55 minutes?
grapewine · 09/08/2021 16:58

@BettyBakesBuns

Well splitting the bill would have cost you twenty quid but refusing to split has cost you a friendship I'd rather not have friends who belittle and judge me for not subsidising their drinking thanks.
Agree. And they didn't even tip. Tight cheeky fuckers. No great loss.

Birthday girl was beyond rude with that text. How embarrassing for her.

omgthepain · 09/08/2021 17:02

@notonyournelleee
They're being arseholes good on you for standing your ground

I wouldn't be going out with them again either

memberofthewedding · 09/08/2021 17:02

In these circumstances I would probably have stated at the onset that "Im not drinking tonight so I will just be getting my own" and just throw in a bit extra for a tip.

I have had a similar reaction when at the pub with a mixed gang (mostly couples) and Ive announced that Ill be getting my own drinks. People looked a bit askance at my not "buying a round" or contributing to a "kitty".

The fact is that a single person - especially if sticking to soft drinks or not drinking much - can find themselves subsidising others. If Im drinking coke then Im not paying for pints for others. Also with couples it is often the case that when you buy a round you treat both members, but not all individuals in a couple pay for a round themselves.