Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

[notonyournelleee]

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you

Boris, yes some people can’t bear any mention of money or price or paying shares or doing calculations. Quite a few people find any discussion unbearable to the point they’d fork out vast sums to avoid it......but.....
They are usually not those on a really tight budget or those who always don’t drink or eat one cheap course. And I think they have to understand that bill splitting can easily result in one or 2 people paying more than double what they had, and have to cope with their feelings of discomfort to avoid this.

I do agree some people are penny pinchers - totting up their exact pricing plus shares of a pudding or exact glasses of wine from a bottle. Often those people also forget about a tip and will never round up.

I’ve always found when I’m not in the splitting group, like OP I overcompensate with an extra big tip - making the point I’m not trying to be subbed by others.

Personally o think the onus should be on the bigger eaters/drinkers to OFFER to exclude non-drinkers from bill splitting. It’s the polite and socially aware thing to do. Some will do this, but some also essentially hope for a bit of a reduction in their big night out, funded by others.

Yanbu at all! If it is double what you should then no way should you be expected to pay.

I had this exact same situation a few years ago. I was out with only uni friends and wasn't drinking. Not only did they expect me to pay equal, but I was also expected to chip in for the birthday girl's meal too (this hadn't been communicated before the meal).

I absolutely hate attending restaurants in a group for this reason. You did nothing wrong here, tbh the birthday girl was rude to say to you you were in the wrong.

"I didn't split because of a huge difference because of the alcohol"

Sorry, that was the impression I got from this " 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all."

In Canada there's no bill splitting nonsense, everyone gets their own bill as standard. So much easier and fairer. This was a huge shock to me after moving to the UK.

(Btw, I had no problem contributing to the birthday girl's meal. My point was, that I wasn't told before hand and it was landed on me when it was time.to pay). They were also all on wages of 30k or more and I was a student at the time.

I’d reply: ‘wow, they’re openly admitting they’re cross because they didn’t manage to con someone else into paying for their booze?! Surprised they’re not embarrassed to be so cheap! Anyway not to worry as I won’t be coming out with that group again - I’m not really drawn to tight people as friends. Hope you liked your present by the way!’

People like this always try and paint the person who doesn’t want to pay for someone else’s food and drinks as ‘tight’ as a way of trying to shame them, because no one likes being called tight/cheap etc. So turn it around and make it clear that they’re the mean ones. Then avoid this group in future, they sound awful. FWIW I am lucky to be comfortable financially so would never say I wasn’t going to split with friends but that’s ALSO because my friends are nice people not tight fuckers and if anyone didn’t drink or ate much less someone else would always pipe up and point that out so they would never be asked to pay that much.

At least OP it wasn't what happened to me once.

I was a newly promoted but still quite junior in the scheme of things 'senior' manager for a finance business. I was invited out with the rest of the senior team including directors for a dinner to welcome several of us newly promoted people to the team to an expensive restaurant.

I'd had a pay rise, and a good one, but I was desperately saving to clear some debt I had and then a house deposit whilst renting so I really didn't have limitless spare cash. I looked online at the menu, worked out that meal with drinks would probably cost me £120 ish and set £150 aside eager to join in and make a good impression.

Anyway, the night came. Mine worked out (I kept tally in my head roughly) around £100 and I was happy to stick a bit extra in if needed. Bill came (and it was £1200!) and the CEO announced that we were playing credit card roulette. As in, everyone chucked their credit card in the middle and the waiter picked on the charge it to.

Everyone else clearly was used to this and he let that hang for a moment to silence from us newly promoted people before laughing and saying it was directors only and the five of them put their cards in the middle of the table. So they actually paid for the rest of us but my god they must've been on mental salaries for £1200 not to have been an issue.

It was only much later I was told that it was all pointless showing off anyway - my friend in accounts told me the meals were all expenses anyway but no one was supposed to know that we were supposed to think we'd been 'treated' by our generous and glorious leaders But my heart stopped for a moment at the thought of being asked to potentially pay that!!

I'm glad to be out of that industry!

I have had this in the past as I also don't drink alcohol.
The first time was in my first job and I hadn't even had my first paycheck. I wanted to appear sociable, but really had no money, so just had soup and tapwater then a coffee.

I was on a table of 8 and they split the bill - several of them had had starters and main courses and puddings, the men had all had steak, and they had had wine as well as liqueurs. My share was five times what my meal hadc ost and I literally didn't have the money.

I said, 'Actually, I only had a starter, so if it s okay, I'll just put in £x to include a tip'.

One of them announced 'Sorry folks, Scarby doesn't want to split the bill, so your shares all go up!' BBoth mortifying and infuriating and so unfair.

Well splitting the bill would have cost you twenty quid but refusing to split has cost you a friendship I'd rather not have friends who belittle and judge me for not subsidising their drinking thanks.

rookiemere, that's understood but your BIL's family were not then paying their way, they were under-paying and that's not on.

I'm used to eating out with family (and often just paying the whole bill), or eating out with friends and we split it or take turns the next time - or, eating out with colleagues in which case one of us gets the bill and claims it on expenses (we have an allowance).

I think this thread is full of posters talking at cross purposes with their own situations and circumstances in mind. The ones that I'm disbelieving/raising an eyebrow at are those who keep saying that you either split the bill or shouldn't attend. Absolute knobbish comments that smack of a lack of almost everything that matters and I fully expect them to be the braying, boasting type that doesn't mind if others are forced to pick up some of the bill for them.

If I were eating out and with people I didn't know, friends of friends, I'd want to pay my way. I'd make sure that I didn't miss anything off - and if I wanted to leave a tip, I'd do that separately. I don't agree with the fan-faring of tips, they're not mandatory - settling the bill absolutely is.

It's clear from the thread that many people have been 'burned' by being coerced into paying more (by much better off 'bosses') or by fear of social stigma and it's not on. Nobody should have to sit there with every mouthful turning to stone, wondering how big the bill is going to be. Nobody should be putting up with that - or inflicting that feeling on anybody else.

@BettyBakesBuns

Well splitting the bill would have cost you twenty quid but refusing to split has cost you a friendship I'd rather not have friends who belittle and judge me for not subsidising their drinking thanks.

I saw that comment and wondered at the sort of person who would post it, so confidently asserting that the OP has lost out somehow. I really hope they socialise with people just like themselves, it saves the rest of us getting lumbered with them.

@Anonanon1234

Years ago, me and EXH were always on a budget and there was a particular relative that would order king-prawn dishes "another bottle of red for the table" [we wouldn't be drinking] and then expect to split the bill evenly..it was embarrassing to have to pipe up that ours had only come to £25 rather than the £55 you're suggesting we pay, but we had no choice - it would have left us short on other bills.

We stopped socialising with them because we felt they were inconsiderate!

I always found it easier to speak up when I'm actually skint and don't have the money to pay for other people's meal AND bills etc. You're forced into saying no.

Mind you I'm not badly off now at all and I don't give a fuck anymore so ill boldly say "I'll just pay for what I ate as I'm not drinking"

@dottydodah

itsgettingweird. Obviously a family pub/Restaurant such as Harvester ,will be cheaper than a fairly smart Place in town .Again not really comparable in a North/South divide really .Surely smart places in Manchester as well? (Sorry never been there!) Lots of cheaper pubs and stuff here as well SC

OK based in Newcastle:

Portafino is a nice italian resteraunt (not a chain) as you can see most mains are £10 - portofinonewcastle.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Portofino-compressed.pdf

Sorella Sorella is a highly rated resteraunt with celeb customs (not that they talk about that but there have been famous people there several of the times we have eaten there) and you can see mains mostly range from £9 - £15 - www.sorellasorella.com/our-menus/main-menu/

Black horse is a luxuary boutique place and georgous and demmed 'more expensive' around here, Mains still cost mostly £10 - £15 (unless you order steak) - www.blackhorsebeamish.co.uk/portfolio/images/summerjune2021rev2.pdf

These are just 3 off the top of my head that are NICE resteraunts (not chains like 'harvester') that you can easily spend £12 or less on your main.

There big difference between pubs/chains and nice resteraunts here is that in a pub like spoons you can get a main and drink for like £6.99 in a nice resteraunt starting price is likely £10 and more likely to ending up being £13 not including drink so more like £17 for a main and a drink - still nothing like £40pp.

I'm a drinker but I wouldn't expect someone to pay double what they should have, to cover my wine. However in this instance I think it might have been nice to cover the birthday girl's bill between you all so maybe a tenner extra. They are being CF's.

This really annoys me too, splitting the bill never works out for everyone. However, I was out with people I didn't know as a group for my friend's birthday, and the woman I sat across from refused to split the bill at the end of the night, as she hadn't drank booze. But - she had three courses and coffee, including an expensive main course, while I had one glass of wine and a cheap pizza. Someone tried to have a quiet word with her but she refused to pay her fair share. So I paid for her meal. Fuming.

I also find it interesting how many say they wont split alcohol bills as a non drinker but would expect meals to be split evenly, it's all money, paying an extra $20 to cover the cost of someone else's expensive meal is no different to spending an extra $20 to cover someone else's alcohol.

Yes I don't understand paying for your own drinks but splitting the food bill! Aside from the fact that surely if you're getting your calculator out you may as well calculate it all...if someone has 2 courses more than you that can easily be £20

@Auntienumber8

My parents always demand to pay, or rather mum tells dad he's paying. I try and fight it because we earn far more (they are retired) and drink (they don't)

@feemcgee

This really annoys me too, splitting the bill never works out for everyone. However, I was out with people I didn't know as a group for my friend's birthday, and the woman I sat across from refused to split the bill at the end of the night, as she hadn't drank booze. But - she had three courses and coffee, including an expensive main course, while I had one glass of wine and a cheap pizza. Someone tried to have a quiet word with her but she refused to pay her fair share. So I paid for her meal. Fuming.

That was so rude of her. Wouldn't it then have been a question of, "You don't want to split? That's fine - the waiting staff will calculate your share and you can pay for your own direct".

It's an odd thing for anybody to do though - the default is split or pay your own, there's not really a third option unless somebody else is footing the whole bill.

Again, @rookiemere no one is expecting you to remember exactly what others had to eat and drink which is precisely why you say “I didn’t eat / drink as much as everyone else, splitting the bill doubles my share so I’ll be paying for my own”. I’m not so sure why you’re so insistent that people are expecting you to keep a tally on everyone else. However if this group of “adults” are so offended by OP simply stating they drank more than her, can you imagine how “you lot are too pissed to work out the bill fairly let me do it!” would go down? I’d also be fairly pissed off if I didn’t drink and had to do the grunt work of sorting the bill out every time I went out with people because they got so shitfaced they couldn’t work out a simple bill split. I’d be pretty embarrassed tbh. No one is presuming the heavy drinkers grabbed the bill either, but it is the heavy drinkers who are upset OP only wanted to cover what she actually consumed.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe oh miaow certainly live up to your username don’t you with what witchy bitchy comment!

Thanks for the personal attack however don’t understand what your issue is? The text from the friend isn’t very positive is it, it’s likely that the friendship is ruined, don’t see how pointing that out makes a me an awful person undeserving of socialising with, think that comment says more about you than me

I was going to say that I'd have just paid, OP. But then I remember once being out with a crowd of very much richer women. They said we'd split bill, fine, but then started ordering £100 a bottle champagne. I was aghast. Unable to chip in equally, just gave them everything I had. And was fucking skint for the rest of the month.

So it maybe is on a scale.

@TatianaBis

It’s fine if you say upfront at the start of a meal - “I’m on a budget would you mind if I just pay for myself”.

Pulling it out at the end of the meal isn’t great. Particularly as it’s a birthday celebration. That just looks churlish and mingey.

I’d just have stumped up the money without complaint unless you’re genuinely broke.

How humiliating to have to do that.

How about other people just don't order loads and expect others to subsidise it? Not to us far more churlish

OP did nothing wrong. I hate this kind of etiquette. The amount of invites I turned down in my younger/poorer years because I knew I would only be able to afford my frugal meal and not split a more expensive one. As a student I went out, carefully made sure my meal only came to £15 as it was all I had, and then everyone else obviously ate double what I did. I have never felt worse than saying I could only afford my meal.

It's really shitty for people to expect people to split a meal or make an issue out of it.

Winemewhynot where have I attacked you? My comment is general to the posters who have tried to make the OP feel bad for doing something eminently reasonable. Were you one of those?

If you feel pricked by what I said well, good. Perhaps stop doing that then?

@TatianaBis

People keep saying things like this, but why is it not great? Your logic implies people SHOULD be able to deliberately order more than they can afford, because they know it will be evened out by the other people there.

Because it’s gauche and penny pinching. Fine if you’re genuinely on a budget and didn’t realise the bill would be spilt. Otherwise cringey.

There’s no logic to linking what I said to ordering more than you can afford - total non sequitur. Who does that anyway?

It's penny pinching to pay for the right amount for what you've consumed @TatianaBis HOW