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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 09/08/2021 14:22

Yanbu I don't think non drinkers should subsidise drinkers! Some people get funny about this sort of thing though.

ExConstance · 09/08/2021 14:23

@Killahangilion
if I was eating out with my frugal friend of course we would each pay for our own, including if we were part of a larger group. When we meet as part of a larger group of old friends (and she is certainly the wealthiest out of a comfortably well off group - 2 houses and at least £1.5 million in the bank ) she will actually say "Why pay for a main course when you can have two starters?" She drinks at home but never buys a drink out, even if there is a really good wine or cocktails list, which means she isn't really sharing the experience.
I know I'm not wrong about her stinginess as on the odd occasion she has cooked for me she has boasted about leaving out lots of ingredients because they are expensive and you wouldn't know they were missing - on one occasion the fish in a fish dish! After over 50 years of friendship i don't think she is going to change.

MaggieFS · 09/08/2021 14:25

I think it's fine and if that was me, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. I've also never heard of anyone calling out beforehand that they aren't splitting. What I do make sure I do is that if I have a particularly expensive main, I call that out and pay a bit extra.

Splitting only works if everyone is ball park the same. It's also how CF have a field day!

diddl · 09/08/2021 14:25

I'm not on a tight budget but like fuck am I going sub others if I don't want to.

Perhaps Op you could have just said that you preferred to pay your own rather than mention their alcohol consumption.

dontyouworrychild · 09/08/2021 14:25

With my friends (long time friends) we do one of two things.

If we've all had similar ie two courses each and shared a couple of bottles of wine between us we spilt and no one quibbles over a couple of pounds where someone might have had a main that was £5 more than everyone else's or someone else had one extra drink on top etc.

If we've got someone not drinking, or someone had one course and someone else has three, we divvy up the bill and split the tip equally.

But, we're old, close friends who'd have no worries about saying 'actually it's a bit of a tight month so I'm not drinking today' etc. It's not awkward at all, when the bill comes one of us will pipe up 'are we paying for ourselves or splitting?' And if anyone wants to pay for themselves then that's what we do.

I don't mind splitting as long as it's roughly equal. I hate piddling about working out the bill. But equally I wouldn't pay for loads of booze if I'd not had any or expect anyone else to, it's really not fair.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2021 14:27

However if I've had a few drinks then it's not really up to me to remember who had what, far better if the sober person handles the bill as they're better equipped to work it out.

I don't understand this. How complicated is it - even if you've been drinking - to work out what 2-4 items from the menu costs? If you can't, the waiting staff from your table can.

It's hardly a thankless task either - make everybody responsible for paying for what they ate/drank. Really, really not complicated.

Either that, or I'm doing it wrong?

NailsNeedDoing · 09/08/2021 14:34

You shouldn’t have waited until your fiend has done the calculation to split it between all of you. It’s fine if you want to pay your own share only, but you say it as soon as the bill arrives. Waiting until everyone has been told how much they need to pay and then refusing to pay that amount is what made it awkward.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 09/08/2021 14:41

I think it's often the non-drinkers who end up 'subbing' others on meals out. I guess if it's a one-off that you're not drinking you may wish to take it on the chin for the team but otherwise why should you have to pay almost double for the privilege of others drinking at your expense?

It's not fair but it's often the ones who benefit who just can't understand what the issue is.

hellcatspangle · 09/08/2021 14:41

You're absolutely right not to split, and quite honestly I can't believe the cheek of them all expecting you to. If I go out and drink alcohol with people who aren't, I'm always very aware that I need to pay more.

WombatChocolate · 09/08/2021 14:43

Perhaps reply saying you don’t understand why they were cross esp as you paid £6 for a tip and no one else did.
OR
‘Oh sorry - did they expect me to pay an extra £20 towards their alcohol? Even after I added £6 for a tip but no-one else did? Bit confused about what they weren’t happy about really’
OR
‘Oh, is that why no-one else contributed towards a tip except me? I suppose if you pay the full cost of your meal and drink when you’ve had a lot, it does add up and perhaps they hadn’t realised that before the bill came’
OR
‘Why? I paid for my meal and added £6 for a tip but no-one else contributed to a tip.’
OR
‘How odd. My friends would never expect someone to pay double what their meal cost to subsidise others’ booze. My friends wouldn’t wait for the non-drinker to ask to pay their share but would always spot someone who has eaten or drunk less and tell them to just pay their way. Just guess your friends are different’

rookiemere · 09/08/2021 14:44

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe it depends how many people are at the table and that everyone remembers exactly what they had, otherwise there will be a shortage and much awkwardness.

I have been shafted this way by controlling BIL who insists everyone pays for exactly their share, which would be fine except their side of the family did that then left the restaurant leaving us to pick up the tab for additional soft drinks and add Ons to orders plus the whole tip.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/08/2021 14:45

@PaddleBoardingMomma

As someone who doesn't drink alcohol I would have said exactly the same. Cocktails and doubles with mixers can be £6-10 each and my sparkling water is £2 🤣

The only thing I would have done is chip in for the birthday girl so she didn't pay for her share? So say my cut was £20 and hers was £40, I'd maybe have thrown in a tenner or something towards hers.

Same

I don’t drink alcohol and seeing as it’s outrageously expensive. I wouldn’t of split the bill either!

I couldn’t care less who got upset. It wasn’t even just a little over. It was £20 more

They’re upset because you wouldn’t subsidise their drinking. That’s all.

And fair enough!

MaMelon · 09/08/2021 14:50

[quote rookiemere]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe it depends how many people are at the table and that everyone remembers exactly what they had, otherwise there will be a shortage and much awkwardness.

I have been shafted this way by controlling BIL who insists everyone pays for exactly their share, which would be fine except their side of the family did that then left the restaurant leaving us to pick up the tab for additional soft drinks and add Ons to orders plus the whole tip.[/quote]
Crikey - how much are you having?! 3 courses tops, plus a few drinks (3 or 4, or less probably) - it’s not that hard. I wonder if it only becomes hard if you (as in, the generic you as opposed to you personally) eat and drink so much that you conveniently can’t remember when it comes to splitting the bill?

Winemewhynot · 09/08/2021 14:51

Well splitting the bill would have cost you twenty quid but refusing to split has cost you a friendship.

Sometimes you just have to look at the bigger picture, sounds like you embarrassed the birthday girl infront of her friends. Don’t think I’d have behaved like you at a birthday party with people I didn’t know for the sake of twenty quid.

topwings · 09/08/2021 14:51

You were perfectly reasonable OP.

Those type of bill splitters somehow see no irony in claiming it's tight when people won't pay for food/drink they didn't have but it's not at all tight to expect somebody else to subsidise their meal.

It's funny how other posters are adding drinks, salads, breads, birthday contribution to your bill when none of those things apply - it seems there are quite a few bill splitters on this thread Grin

Original poster
notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 14:51

@diddl

I'm not on a tight budget but like fuck am I going sub others if I don't want to.

Perhaps Op you could have just said that you preferred to pay your own rather than mention their alcohol consumption.

Well no because I'd have happily split it if they weren't drinking or I was drinking too

I didn't split because of a huge difference because of the alcohol

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 09/08/2021 14:56

‘Are they upset I didn’t subsidise their alcohol? How odd, when it was only me who paid above what I’d had for the tip.’
OR
‘Oh, is this a group who expect a non-drinker to pay double their bill and would never think to remove them from a bill split? Didn’t realise they still existed. Please do remind them that only I contributed to a tip, but perhaps they are a group who want to split the bill but never tip the staff’

Pipsquiggle · 09/08/2021 14:56

YANBU. We (several different groups of friends) frequently split bills so that the ones not drinking alcohol don't penalised.

The person who picked up the bill probably couldn't do hard maths in her head and/or didn't like to be challenged. You did the right thing both on the night and not backing down to your friend the next day.

The only thing I would say, just to play devil's advocate, is how did you say you weren't going to pay for their alcohol? Was it in a normal way or in a defensive way or moody way or blunt way............?

It's just a bit weird how your mate felt the need to send you a message the next day on how you were a bit of a mood hoover - just maybe reflect on how the said it and how you came across. If it's all on them, just forget about it, they were being CFs

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 09/08/2021 14:59

No should not have to sub other peoples drinks at all, really unfair and YNBU.

My Dp really cringes though when he see's someone from out table dissecting the bill for ages, discussing who had what etc he's been known to just go up and pay the whole damn thing.

WombatChocolate · 09/08/2021 14:59

‘I’d have happily split the bill if there were just a few pounds difference in our spends....but did they honestly expect me to pay double...seems excessive!’

Nocutenamesleft · 09/08/2021 15:00

Ha!

It only made their food an extra £5. So why they’re all upset is beyond me!

Frodogo · 09/08/2021 15:04

I'd find new friends. The "birthday friend" shouldn't have said a thing, other than to thank you again for your gift. To accept a gift from you one day and then lecture you on etiquette the next, that's astoundingly rude!

I simply don't understand the weird attitude some have that if you're dining with a group, you must split the bill. Why should you pay for something you didn't drink or eat, unless you've offered to take everyone out and foot the bill? It's quite rude to create an atmosphere because one of the group doesn't want to subsidise the others' more expensive drinking or eating habits.

480Widdio · 09/08/2021 15:05

They are in the wrong.I used to have this problem every year at a Nurses reunion.What I did after the first time,is drink a lot of soft drinks,the most expensive ones! Then pick the most expensive dishes on the menu and have three courses.Evened the Bill out nicely for me.

billy1966 · 09/08/2021 15:07

Your so called friend is extremely rude.

Your reply was spot on.

They sound like awful people.

A table of 6 and they never left a tip?
How mean of them.

Don't feel bad OP, you have done nothing wrong.

When it comes to being out of order, trying to rip you off and not leaving a tip IS out of order.

Pass next time!

Frodogo · 09/08/2021 15:07

If people are that sensitive about their drinking that they can't handle a friend referring to the cost of alcohol as the reason she doesn't want to split the bill... Well, I'd say that perhaps it's a sore spot for a reason and they may need to re-examine how much they drink!