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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
Backtoreality1 · 09/08/2021 14:00

I know the feeling. Got fed up of it with a group I went out with, so next time we went out I ordered last and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu (twice what the main dishes were). It was delicious and made my point nicely. After that, we split the cost of meals, and those drinking alcohol split the drinks bill.

SingingInTheShithouse · 09/08/2021 14:01

You did nothing wrong, but I'd lay bets the biggest moaner is the heavy drinker with expensive tastes who expects a subsidy. Always works way & I've been there several times too. Never had anyone pull me up on it afterwards though, how friggin entitled is that 🥴

Saoirse82 · 09/08/2021 14:01

Personally I'd always split regardless of whether I've had alcohol or just a starter etc. However, I don't think it was very nice of them to just expect you to split and then be pissed of that you wouldn't. YANBU

Biker47 · 09/08/2021 14:03

@pinkyredrose

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning.
No you don't, that's weird.
aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2021 14:03

*Because it’s gauche and penny pinching. Fine if you’re genuinely on a budget and didn’t realise the bill would be spilt. Otherwise cringey.

There’s no logic to linking what I said to ordering more than you can afford - total non sequitur. Who does that anyway?*

Penny pinching and "cringey" to not want to spend twice as much as you ordered - a privileged attitude if ever I saw one. No wonder people get into debt with such toxic societal judgments floating around.

The link is that unless it's going to make a difference to what they choose to order, there's absolutely no reason for there to be any perceived difference between telling them at the beginning of the meal, and telling them at the end. What is the actual logic behind that, besides just posh people tradition?

allswellnow · 09/08/2021 14:03

This splitting bill nonsense is a load of bs unless everyone pays the same like a buffet. Yanbu

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 09/08/2021 14:04

@notonyournelleee

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

YANBU at all.

Why should other people expect to have their drinks subsidised?!? I've been out with people who have ordered 3 courses against my 1 course and a coffee and expected me to split the bill because 'it is easier' ?!?

Plumtree391 · 09/08/2021 14:05

@pinkyredrose

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning.
Yes.

One thing that you don't do is talk/quibble about bill at the end of the meal. You arrange that in advance.

There are apps nowadays which organise everyone to pay for their own - I have no apps but have been told about these and they seems sensible.

This was a friend's birthday and nothing should have spoiled that.

Of course you are not unreasonable to not want to pay double what you consumed but payment has to be organised discreetly.

You put down £25 and that seems OK to me, the others should have let it go.

Opaljewel · 09/08/2021 14:06

Cheeky twats! You did nothing wrong.

Anoisagusaris · 09/08/2021 14:07

It’s penny pinching and a pain in the ass if you insist on paying separately when your meal is a quid or 2 cheaper or if someone has a glass of wine vs a soft drink.. But if someone isn’t drinking and the alcohol is a large proportion of the bill, then it’s ridiculous for them to pay twice what they should.

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2021 14:09

In this situation we usually ask for food and alcohol to be billed separately. Then those not drinking don’t pay towards the drinks bill. What it means is everyone else subsidises non drinkers’ soft drinks - strangely nobody ever objects.

MeridianB · 09/08/2021 14:10

YANBU. Your friend sounds immature.

HeadNorth · 09/08/2021 14:10

@TatianaBis

People keep saying things like this, but why is it not great? Your logic implies people SHOULD be able to deliberately order more than they can afford, because they know it will be evened out by the other people there.

Because it’s gauche and penny pinching. Fine if you’re genuinely on a budget and didn’t realise the bill would be spilt. Otherwise cringey.

There’s no logic to linking what I said to ordering more than you can afford - total non sequitur. Who does that anyway?

Surely it is more guache and penny pinching to knock back the expensive food and booze and pretend you don't notice the non-drinking moderate eaters are subbing your gluttony?

You can try to fool yourself that people haven't spotted and judged your greedy ways but I bet they have.

Inthemuckheap · 09/08/2021 14:10

I don't drink. When out with a small group of friends they always bill me a bit less. If out with another couple we split 50:50; if out with a large group of friends especially for a birthday, we split it equally and pay for whoever's birthday it is.

Just eat expensive stuff in the future?

Plumtree391 · 09/08/2021 14:11

@Saoirse82

Personally I'd always split regardless of whether I've had alcohol or just a starter etc. However, I don't think it was very nice of them to just expect you to split and then be pissed of that you wouldn't. YANBU
So would I Saoirsie, it has happened in the past, especially for birthday meals, but as you say, the op was within her rights.

It is a difficult one, probably happens more than people think and a lot depends on what each person can afford. However what must not ever be done is make a scene at the table - I'm not for one minute suggesting the op did that but, really, it need not even be mentioned.

Well op you won't be going out with them again, that's for sure, and in future make your arrangements in advance of a meal, not at the table.

Mix56 · 09/08/2021 14:11

why not respond,,
" I didn't drink alcohol to allow me to budget for presents.
There is no need for me to sub everyone's alcohol. Why should I ?"

Popsicle438 · 09/08/2021 14:11

When I go out with friends, we always get a bill and tot up what each person has ordered. Then we each add about equal amounts for a tip.
It's unfair to expect others to pay for more than they have eaten or drunk.

sleepwouldbenice · 09/08/2021 14:12

Of course you are being reasonable. I wouldn't break the bill down to exact values but you didn't do this either
Have you replied yet?
Just say thanks very much for your message. In case you don't know I paid £25 to cover my £19 share so gave lots to the overall tip instead. Hope you liked your present by the way. See you soon. Then link to this thread and block

UneFoisAuChalet · 09/08/2021 14:13

@DGFB

We always split the bill, I wouldn’t have accepted the invitation if I wasn’t willing to split the bill. We’re in our 40s though, most people I know are the same
This.
Dogvmarmot · 09/08/2021 14:14

always split the bill when we go out as a group. no quibbles. however whenever someone has much less food or no drink we always insist they pay only for what they had, or if someone has significantly more booze they always throw in the extra. Its not so much as 'getting it the exact pence' but ensuring fairness. It very large groups we sometimes buy booze separately so no issues over heavy drinkers vs light drinkers.

AntiFlag · 09/08/2021 14:18

YANBU and anyone who claims you should have paid DOUBLE what you had is ridiculous and likely someone who always orders loads. Ignore it all OP, you weren’t drinking, you shouldn’t have to pay for their extravagant choices. Stick to your guns, you paid your fair share.

DoItAfraid · 09/08/2021 14:18

Why?!

Turnitoffandon · 09/08/2021 14:19

Don't give it another thought, OP. Why on earth one of them didn't say, "Hang on, @notonyournelleee hasn't had drinks - we need to let her pay her own and we'll split the rest between us" is absolutely beyond me. I would hate the thought that someone in my party felt they were having to pay for other people's alcohol. Friendship should have stood up and stopped you from feeling this way, not expected you to be out of pocket. People can be so fucking entitled when it's their "special" day - they need to get over their self-importance and understand that everyone has to count their money-beans at the end of each week each month.

Haywirecity · 09/08/2021 14:20

"One thing that you don't do is talk/quibble about bill at the end of the meal. You arrange that in advance.

There are apps nowadays which organise everyone to pay for their own - I have no apps but have been told about these and they seems sensible.

This was a friend's birthday and nothing should have spoiled that."

If these people were friends, they'd be saying to you, "nelleee, yours is less because you didn't drink." Not be cross because you didn't pre-negotiate!

I only have (tap) water and a couple of soft drinks. 'Friends' who think Im a party pooper because I should willingly cough up for a share of cocktails, aperitifs, wine and port would not be friends I'd be eating out with again. I always contribute towards the birthday girl or boy's bill, though. But just normal meals out, no way. I think they're very cheeky. And I bet your other friends never commented at all!!

Doozy1991 · 09/08/2021 14:20

YANBU!
I remember going to pick up my ex from a meal he had with his family. I ordered a soda water (which was free) and then they tried to split the bill with me 😂
"no I won't be paying for your 3 course meal & champagne"

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