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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 09/08/2021 13:08

@BrilloPaddy

I used to go out in a group, and one would always order 3 courses plus at least 2 sides and some sort of sauce. We'd split the bill but she always paid last so she could use her card, and the CF'er would count what was there and just add her meal onto it. So if 5 of us had left £5 each as a tip, her meal was nearly always free.

So when we went somewhere special for a birthday, when the waitress brought the bill over I asked her for a separate plate to put the tips on. CF'er then had to pay nearly £70 for her own food, and had a face like a smacked arse. She clearly didn't like being called out on her behaviour and never came out with us again.

I'm genuinely shocked by these stories of people who don't pay their own way. I cannot think of a single occasion when this has happened to me, or maybe I've forgotten it. I could not stay friends with someone who tries to rip off their friends. I thought everyone would be aware of what they've ordered and try to do the right thing. But probably best to discuss before too much alcohol is consumed!
thevassal · 09/08/2021 13:11

@DottyHarmer

I’m a bit on the fence as I have known people who “don’t drink” but still have a pricey non-alcoholic drink or two and also a starter and a pudding.

I think it also depends on how much you are being “done” for. Your meal may have come to £19 but what about service charge/tip?

Service charge isn't going to be £21 on a £19 meal!Grin the others were really cheeky, why would you ever expect someone else to subsidise your meal? They'd think it was really weird if you randomly gave each of them a fiver before you ate so why would they expect the same amount by you paying for their drinks?
FredaFox · 09/08/2021 13:11

My friends and I always split the bill however should one not be drinking they pay a lesser amount

Years ago when I was a holiday rep we went for regular team meals, always split the bill and the kids reps would complain saying they had shared a meal between two of them, so yeah fair enough we would re split the bill until we clicked they used to also be the ones drinking more than everyone else, it was always them adding on extra wine and shots!
Cheeky sods 😂

Binnaggy · 09/08/2021 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Mary46 · 09/08/2021 13:13

I do see your point op. Not fair either if a load booze on the bill and you expected to pay it. I noticed my friend just meets me for coffee. They must have got stung in the past at meals/bills. We split but we usually eat drink same value (group girls)

TrojaninTroy · 09/08/2021 13:13

I've avoided the school mums nights out (whole class invited) for this very reason. Not only because I don't drink but because some of the obviously better-off mums (partnership lawyer or similar) order the most expensive thing on the menu. It doesn't seem to cross their minds that when they are consuming so much more than some and at the same time are the most well that they are behaving so ignorantly. But maybe it is up to the person who organises the event to state this clearly, so avoiding embarrassment for those who are clearly disadvantaged by it.

itsgettingwierd · 09/08/2021 13:15

@mam0918

Are people who think paying £40 for a meal is fine or normal and are struggling to imagine you can get a meal and a few lemonades for £19 southerners?

We regularly eat out as a family of 5 and it pretty much never comes to over £40 (granted that is with kids meal prices for the kids but still £40 for one person is ridiculous).

The average cost for a main meal is £8 (cheaper pub meal) - £13 (resteraunts) here, a soft drink is £2 - £3 pretty much across the board so I find it hard to imagine hitting £40 for just 1 person.

I'm a southerner - south coast.

I think £19 for a meal with soft drink is about right per person!

Main £10-12
Dessert £5-7
Soft drink £2-3 (usually refillable where we go too!)

That's for a pub restaurant or chain restaurant (eg zizzi) meal though.

CoronaPeroni · 09/08/2021 13:16

Lol at op being a 'bit miserly'! The other cheeky fuckers were the 'miserly' ones expecting someone else to pay for their meal! I can't believe there are so many defending them.

dottydodah · 09/08/2021 13:16

NixandWotsit Im aware that she has paid her own way .However unless she is in a lesser financial position then its nice to split equally I think. If the others are a bit miffed ,the OP may not get invited out again.Also if she has been out with this group previously ,and split the bill they may have expected the same this time . Its hard to say as we dont know.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 09/08/2021 13:17

YANBU. If people want to split they need to say so at beginning of the meal.

thevassal · 09/08/2021 13:19

You don't even have the "it's easier" excuse anymore now almost everyone pays by card and you can pay off the total individually, so it doesn't involve scrabbing round for change to pay your third of a bottle of wine etc. So it's perfectly easy for everyone to either pay what they owe, or just say right take 19 off for OP, what's left ok split that 5 ways. Couldn't be easier so don't really understand why there's ever any need to split.

Also interesting that non splitters are the ones accused of being cheap when it's usually a splitter who ends up benefitting from being subsidised!

dottydodah · 09/08/2021 13:19

itsgettingweird. Obviously a family pub/Restaurant such as Harvester ,will be cheaper than a fairly smart Place in town .Again not really comparable in a North/South divide really .Surely smart places in Manchester as well? (Sorry never been there!) Lots of cheaper pubs and stuff here as well SC

CounsellorTroi · 09/08/2021 13:19

@Nosilayak

I had a "friend" who, when it was her turn to buy a round, just drank coke like me, but when it was my turn she'd say she suddenly fancied a Baileys etc
Such CFery.
Haywirecity · 09/08/2021 13:21

@pinkyredrose

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning.
Why though? Would that have made others change their drinking behaviour? Made them drink less? Are they expecting someone else to subsidise them?
rookiemere · 09/08/2021 13:22

@TrojaninTroy it seems a bit unfair to put all responsibility for how the bill is split on the person who has already taken it upon themselves to use their spare time to organise it.

FWIW when I'm organising a group meal I will tend to go for a set price buffet or set menu cost, but if there is a WhatsApp or group discussion any person is free to ask or propose how the bill will be split.

I absolutely agree that people shouldn't be paying over the odds, but a wee plea that if you don't want to split it's good to say at the start or at least before the calculators come out or even better ask for a separate bill.

Relying on others to remember you weren't drinking or just had a starter when they may be a bit tipsy just makes things awkward.

glampingcamper · 09/08/2021 13:22

Text her back and say "I don't understand, are you saying your friends were upset because I wouldn't pay £20 extra towards their drinks?"

lljkk · 09/08/2021 13:24

yanbu, however I make a point of consuming as much as others in these situations to avoid bill-splitting-awkwardness at the end.

diddl · 09/08/2021 13:24

" If the others are a bit miffed ,the OP may not get invited out again."

Win win!

cherrypie1821991 · 09/08/2021 13:27

You are 1000% not being unreasonable. I'm sober and fortunately my friends are always really good about me paying separately but I've had other non drinking friends be in this situation and it's just horrible. Why in the world would you pay for their alcohol?! Stand your ground OP and if avoid going out or doing anything with that group of girls again, especially when they had the audacity to not even tip their server, honestly they sound quite petty and mean

LouLou789 · 09/08/2021 13:27

YANBU. We have a friend who doesn’t drink alcohol. When the bill comes it goes without saying that she should contribute less. It’s not like it’s one person having one glass of wine, they were expecting you to subsidise them all

myrtleWilson · 09/08/2021 13:28

@dottydodah we do know that she'd not eaten with these people previously as she has explained in the thread. Many of your points have been answered by the OP already.

woodhill · 09/08/2021 13:28

@TrojaninTroy

I've avoided the school mums nights out (whole class invited) for this very reason. Not only because I don't drink but because some of the obviously better-off mums (partnership lawyer or similar) order the most expensive thing on the menu. It doesn't seem to cross their minds that when they are consuming so much more than some and at the same time are the most well that they are behaving so ignorantly. But maybe it is up to the person who organises the event to state this clearly, so avoiding embarrassment for those who are clearly disadvantaged by it.
I know what you mean, I would bring cash and leave a bit extra for my meal then make an excuse to leave quickly.

We got stung when we went out in a group of couples and some people drank so much, we split the bill but never again

Anonanon1234 · 09/08/2021 13:29

Years ago, me and EXH were always on a budget and there was a particular relative that would order king-prawn dishes "another bottle of red for the table" [we wouldn't be drinking] and then expect to split the bill evenly..it was embarrassing to have to pipe up that ours had only come to £25 rather than the £55 you're suggesting we pay, but we had no choice - it would have left us short on other bills.

We stopped socialising with them because we felt they were inconsiderate!

Chloemol · 09/08/2021 13:29

YANBU and I would be texting back I am really sorry you feel that way, but think it’s unfair for me to pay double what was actually the cost of my meal to subsidise alcohol

blahblahblah321 · 09/08/2021 13:30

@DottyHarmer

I’m a bit on the fence as I have known people who “don’t drink” but still have a pricey non-alcoholic drink or two and also a starter and a pudding.

I think it also depends on how much you are being “done” for. Your meal may have come to £19 but what about service charge/tip?

But surely that doesn't matter as long as they pay for that?