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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
fromdownwest · 09/08/2021 12:20

@babybunny123

hi i would have done exactly the same. Why should i pay towards someone else's alcohol consumption especially if i dont know them?. I am not tight in the slightest and always leave a good tip but no way would i split the bill if i was not drinking.
Exactly this.

Bill splitting should be for groups you are acustomed to, trust and all know each other.

Randoom groups, Pay your own way.

All restaurants can no accomodate seperate bills with ease.

Jenasaurus · 09/08/2021 12:21

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think your friend has been very rude in messaging you. It's never unreasonable to meet your own costs and not want to pay the bill for others. They've shown no sensitivity to the fact that not everyone can afford to have expensive meals and so tailor what they order accordingly. And even if you can afford it, you shouldn't be expected to subsidise other people's spending.
I agree with this completely. I have been to several meals that I spent the entire time pancking as I had literally only a small amount of money available for the meal and chose very carefully from the menu, didnt order a desert or alcohol so I could pay and allow for a tip, only to have the person who kept ordering bottle after bottle of wine to suggest sharing the cost. I stood my ground, and the person who I have been invited by is always aware of my financial situation up front but not all at the meal felt the same way.
Pootle40 · 09/08/2021 12:22

@Balgoresboy

Meh I see where you are coming from but it was 40 quid, I would just have split it to avoid tension and because I rarely eat out with friends. Having said that your friend is a bitch for texting you like that and the others need to grow up if that upset them.
What? That's madness.
Eddielzzard · 09/08/2021 12:22

Their behaviour is awful. To not leave a tip and wanting you to subsidise them, and then trying to make you feel bad for standing up to her. Nope. Now you've seen what she's like and it's not pretty.

Thimphu · 09/08/2021 12:23

YANBU at all

That was a significant difference, not just a few pounds. I think it was bad form of the person suggesting the equal split not to notice that you had 'spent' significantly less than the rest. Personally I think they should've suggesting taking yours off and then splitting the rest equally from the start and it is absolutely not up to you are the start of the meal to declare that you won't be subsidising them!

Pretty entitled that they expect you to subsidise them by £21 to get their share £4.20 cheaper and make you feel guilty for not doing that! Then not leave a tip to add to your £6.

Your 'friend' contacting you just to make you feel worse, without word of a thanks, sounds pretty grim. Maybe the birthday girl was miffed that her share wasn't paid by everyone else and is directing that disappointment on to you.

Naunet · 09/08/2021 12:23

@problembottom

To be fair I always split the bill when out with friends and I am definitely not trying to steal their money! It’s just the done thing with people I know. Can’t think of anything worse than six people getting their calculators out. Maybe this group were similar rather than CFs.

Sounds like it got a bit awkward and birthday girl was embarrassed and has lashed out. Not your fault of course, you were entitled to pay for what you had.

A. These people aren’t OPs friends (with the exception of the birthday girl), and B. There is a middle ground between putting pressure on someone to pay far more than they should, and getting out calculators. For example, I used to go out to dinner regularly with 2 other people. Me and one of the people would share a bottle of wine, the third person didn’t drink, so we’d split the bill minus the wine, which the two of us would cover.

It’s really not that difficult.

DishingOutDone · 09/08/2021 12:25

They were the rude grabby fuckers! Non drinkers are usually offered some leeway on splitting it’s a common courtesy!

PheasantsNest · 09/08/2021 12:26

They are massive cheeky fuckers. Why should you subsidise their alcohol. You have done nothing wrong.

Clangerschick1 · 09/08/2021 12:27

This reply has been deleted

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callmeadoctor · 09/08/2021 12:28

Was the meal £19 and then your soft drinks on top? Mmmm you said a few lemonades? (£2.50 each maybe?)Getting on for £26/£27 with a tip. I think that I would have said beforehand, "hey guys Im not drinking alcohol so Ill just pay for my own" would have been fine.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 12:28

@pinkyredrose

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning.

why ?

callmeadoctor · 09/08/2021 12:30

Oops sorry, I see that £19 included drinks (at a couple of pound each for "a few soft drinks", that was quite a cheap meal though?)

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/08/2021 12:31

They are CF's and I'm glad you said no. You still managed to subsidise them £6.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 12:32

You did nothing wrong..

These friends however are happy to guzzle alcoholic drinks and expect you to help pay for them.. Nah that's shabby ...

I'd text your 'friend' back and tell her she's bang out of order and Block the cheeky cow. 🌸

callmeadoctor · 09/08/2021 12:34

Am trying to think where would I get a meal plus drinks for £19? Suppose a pizza for £9 or £10 then 3 drinks at £3. I definitely would have said beforehand re the no drinking. Indeed I might have just asked for tap water to make it even more obvious.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 09/08/2021 12:35

When people think you're going to be bill splitting it brings out the greedy people who think "Well theres X number of people in the group. I only need to eat/drink more than half of them and I've had some of mine free!". When people are that greedy it's more fun to not tell them you won't be splitting. Because then you can sit smiling as they crack open the champagne and oysters and then see the look on their face when a few people in the group look at them like they're mad and say "Oh, we don't bill split! Why would you think that?". It might teach them some manners and not to assume everyone is someone who is so generous they'll buy for people they don't know.

Terhou · 09/08/2021 12:36

Ask your friend why she thinks you should have subsidised everyone else.

youdoyoutoday · 09/08/2021 12:37

I would not expect someone who hasn't been drinking to pay for alcohol so I think you're in the right here.

mam0918 · 09/08/2021 12:39

@pinkyredrose

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning.
Why?

unless checky fuckers are planning on abusing the system then regardless of mentioning it or not it doesnt matter.

If the average main is say £12 and an average alcoholic drink is say £4 and every one staying in that area plus or minus a quid or so then every still pays approx. £16 at the end so it doesnt matter.

The only reason to be upset is if you planned on spending under £20 but then decided to order the £22 stake and a £8 cocktail but expected everyone else who ate a standard main and drink to subsidise you.

Sometime you have several people like that who still expect the few who budgeted and had less to subsidise their expensive choices like in this instance.

The only person with a right to be upset is the people who are expected to pay a fair chunk more of the bill than their share because someone is a CF mooch and its perfectly fine to call that out.

dreamingbohemian · 09/08/2021 12:40

I also wondered if what she objected to was the way you expressed yourself, because of course it's not unreasonable to want to just pay what you owe

I can well believe the person wasn't paying attention to what everyone had and was just being clueless instead of cheeky

If your response really was 'Sorry no, you've all been drinking a lot and I haven't', well that is a bit of a buzzkill, especially at a birthday party

And your reply to her text was very abrupt as well, even if you didn't do anything wrong you could try to smooth things over instead of doubling down

PrincessNutella · 09/08/2021 12:42

Were they covering the cost of the birthday girl, then you sould add more, otherwise, good for you.

Hathertonhariden · 09/08/2021 12:43

As you were new to the group your friend should have told you beforehand that they just split bills so that you had the option to either be prepared or turn down the invitation. She should also have been the first to point out that you hadn't anything like the amount the others had. Any embarrassment is down to her failings not yours.

In future if I was going out with a new group I would always have a quiet word with the wait staff when I ordered to say I was paying separately. You can say that on a first time out with new friends you don't want to take advantage of them when it comes to the bill so you always pay your own way initially. Then you can observe how they go about splitting the bill and make a decision on any future meals based on that knowledge.

Kiduknot · 09/08/2021 12:45

Nah, she’s not a true friend if she would see you pay double.

If we split the bill we automatically make people who are not drinking pay less, unless it’s only a slight difference.

saleorbouy · 09/08/2021 12:46

No you're unreasonable. They should have realised that you had not drunk alcohol and made adjustments to their portions of the bill accordingly before perhaps splitting the food equally amongst you.

Niconacotaco · 09/08/2021 12:47

Years ago I was out for dinner with a big group of friends. Friend A noticed that B had ordered something from the set menu with a supplement, about £4 extra. So she said B should pay his own and we would split the rest. B hadn’t been drinking so this brought the cost for everyone up by about £1 each. A said this wasn’t fair so she would pay for her own. A had been drinking wine so this brought the cost down for everyone else by about £1 while she had to pay extra.
I wasn’t involved in the discussions but could see A getting more and more angry at how unfair it was that she had to pay more.
Anyway, totally missing the point but I love telling that story.
OP you are not BU.